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Friday, 26 December 2008

MAYBE

Over three months ago I wrote a post about "how long is long enough"

Through the passing of far too many years----through a marriage each----through deaths in our families, I have waited to be with someone I believe to be my love, my soul mate, my for ever after.

I keep thinking that I have waited too long but keep finding a thread to make me wait a little longer.
A little----I have wanted to be with her for more than half of my life.

How wonderful is this electronic world of ours

Christmas day I received a text message to tell me that she still loved me.
To tell me that she was almost free
To tell me that she wanted to be with me
To tell me to wait a little longer if I could.

My reply was "I'm here----I'm on our beach-----I'll be here---XO"

Was it the best Christmas present that I have ever had ?
Or did it just tear another string?

It is a big year for me----I have time on my side
I'm here on the beach

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

JOY TO YOUR WORLD

May this season bring you joy

May you feel the warmth of family and friends

May this season bring you love

May you have peace and contentment

May you see the innocence in the faces of children

May you extend a hand to those in need

May the next year bring you all that you may wish for

Stay safe
Have a great Xmas

Saturday, 20 December 2008

MERRY




IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN…

Who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red
flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and
laughing away,
While flying around in a
miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer to pull
him along,

Then let's face it...
Your Pissed or you've been smoking some serious stuff!




Tuesday, 16 December 2008

PUBLIC HEALTH



Once you really look at it, we have a pretty good public health system in Australia.

A free Medicare card issued to residents, allows you treatment at a local doctor for $10 or $20 or even in some cases, no cost at all.
The same card gives you most procedures in a public hospital at no cost to you---but there is a waiting list.
The governments Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme allows you to purchase prescribed listed medications for a minimal fee------if your Doctor believes that you really need something that is not on the "allowed" list, they can make an application for a Commonwealth exemption for you and you can get that medication at the same minimal fee.
Pensioners receive all medications at a vastly reduced rate.
Wheelchairs, walking frames and other aids to assist in daily living can be supplied free under a Commonwealth scheme.

Private health insurance is not very expensive ----within the reach of the average family.

That all seemed pretty reasonable to me.

But then I read this article from the US
Wow, what progressive thinking

US gun company will market a pistol to elderly Americans that will be subsidised by the government in the same way as a wheelchair or walking frame. The company, Constitution Arms, claims its gun, called a Palm Pistol, has won approval as a medical device for people with arthritis or other disabling conditions who have trouble squeezing the trigger on a normal firearm. Under the deal, seniors who buy the $US300 9mm handgun will be reimbursed by the federal government. Matthew Carmel, president of Constitution Arms in Maplewood, New Jersey, said the gun was "something that they need to assist them in daily living". -- AAP

What next ?
Something for the front yard ?



Tuesday, 9 December 2008

BURNT

How many of us can say that they haven't been burnt in a relationship or two during their life.

Geez, I've lost a house, block of land, a car, money, furniture and worst of all, a dog.
But hey, what the hell, you keep on trying
I've got all of those things again.------but don't try to take my dog.

But what I have lost in my life is nothing compared to a news story breaking in my city-----it gives a totally new meaning to being burt.

Now let me say first up----I have never---yep, never cheated on anyone in a relationship
Relationships deserve to fail if there is not at least honesty holding them together.

So here is the story
A woman was arrested after a fire nearly totally destroyed a house that she was living in with her husband and two teenage children.
Her husband suffered burns to 80% of his body----------the two teenagers were not seriously hurt.

Of course it is natural to jump to conclusions-----god, she was trying to kill her husband in a house fire-----geez, was she trying to kill the kids too.

But today the rest of the story surfaced
She found out that he was cheating on her.
Her revenge was to pour methylated spirits on his testicles (nuts, balls) and set fire to them while he slept.
Of course he woke up----having your nuts on fire will do that----he jumped up and knocked over the container of metho and was enveloped in the resulting flames which spread through the house.

Now I doubt that I will every cheat in my life-----I have this streak in me called honesty and conscience.
But just in case, I'm moving all flammable liquids out of the house and sleeping with a fire extinguisher under my bed

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

PIRATES

History is littered with stories of buccaneers sailing the seven seas plundering and pillaging from unsuspecting ships and even land settlements.

There is a romance to the stories----no, not the raping bit----geez, that's not romance----

There is almost a standard to be kept
Sailing Ships
Flying the Jolly Roger
Wearing an Eye Patch
A Parrot on the shoulder
One hand replaced by a Hook
Yohoho and a bottle of rum

And of course, the Pirates Treasure----the Booty

It's always a chest full of gold and jewels and it's always buried on some treasure island
And there is always people searching for these buried treasures.

So forward to the 21st century

It is becoming a regular story in the newspapers of the world----Somalian Pirates
They attack all sorts of ships and end up with all sorts of booty.-----even a tanker full of oil to ransom back to its owners----

Now no one has mention pirates in this story but I just had to think----maybe

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia. Men's magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue. The cargo is worth about $200,000. A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don't turn up in the next 48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said.-- AAP

Geez, what would you do with them.

Wednesday, 26 November 2008

THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON

Throughout history, members of the human race have waged wars on other members.

It has always been about control
Who can control more than someone else

And throughout history, man has developed weapons in an attempt to get the upper hand on the foe.
We have gone from rocks to spears to guns to bombs to nerve agents to chemicals.
We have gone from face to face on the great battlefields to traps places in jungles to missiles sent from afar.

Everything that has been invented has been designed to bring our enemies to their knees.

But think about it
It has been there all along
The most powerful weapon in the world and throughout history, it has brought the strongest most courageous warriors to their knees.
But like all weapons of mass destruction, it can be unpredictable, volatile and uncontrollable.
It's a chameleon-----forever changing

All we have to do is learn to harness it
If we can do that, it could lead to world peace.

AND it is----OK, you should have worked it out by now
Those who have it control those who don't

It's PUSSY

Come on----look at the controlling possibilities
Look at how it controls you now


Saturday, 8 November 2008

CLITORIS


There, that got your attention.

I keep reading posts and comments about guys not being able to find a clitoris.

So what the fuck is a clitoris----well clinically, it is the erectile organ of the vulva-----Yep, that's right-----erectile organ----it is the female equivalent of a penis. It is the GO button.

So, with guys, the erectile organ is out there for all to see----no one needs any guidance to find a dick----here, its the stiff thing under your nose----OK, you cant miss it.
And it is not too hard to work out how it operates.
You can give it a little hand crank, take it in your mouth and bob up and down or stick it in your vagina and ride it like a rodeo champion.
Persistence in any of or all of these activities will result in an eruption of smegma from the penis and a broad smile on the owners face.
And guys are quite happy to give directions

OK, now the clitoris

It is not out there for all to see-----pants down and it is not a dangly bit so obvious that you naturally gravitate to it.
Get your lady excited and it's not pointing out there for you to grab, devour or ride.
So where is it-----well take your time and search around and if you are not sure, fucking ask
Geez, no wonder girls like playing with other girls

And ladies, if it is so fucking important----draw a map----- get a tattoo with an arrow pointing to it-----get it colour coded
And show him how to operate it

No, you are not going to do that.
Well OK, that's fine----but dont't complain when he spray paints your womb, smokes a cigarette and wipes his dick on your curtains as he leaves.
You have to remember----we don't have one, we dont know how it works, we are not good at asking directions and once we have got our jollies, we are satisfied.

God, at least you get an owners manual with a car.

And yes---I do know----and I know because a lovely young lady gave me directions

Saturday, 1 November 2008

CHASTITY

The medieval practise of using chastity belts to protect the purity of your wife and female offspring is making a 21st century comeback----well, so they say.

Now it used to be that you would get your most trusted blacksmith to make up some sort of locking belt with a groin piece to cover and prevent access to the genital area of you wife and precious female offspring-----thus ensuring that no one was touching up the Mrs while you were off battling the heathen hoards and protecting the virginity of your daughter to increase her appeal to wealthy suitors.

There was the story of the nobleman who had his wife's belt made up with a hole in it allowing access for his cheating compatriots, but it had a little guillotine to chop off or at least take a chunk out of the offending tackle.

So now this idea has come into the 21st century----well at least that is what they are touting it as.

The 21st century idea is knickers with a GPS device sewn in.

So now you can sit at home and know where your under age daughter is---
Well you may think so

Come on----how the fuck is this gonna work-----all you know is where the knickers are.
So you know that your daughters knicker are at the ice skating rink
But does it tell you that they are around her ankles and some local stud is up to his nuts in her not so virginal pussy.
And of course when your GPS receiver says that she is at the local dance, it is not until she walks through the door that you realise that those traceable knickers are in her boyfriends glove box.

Some how I don't think there is going to be a big sale for this new invention.
And how the hell can they say it is a chastity belt.

If you really want to know where your daughter is, ask her-----and show some trust.
Do you really want to know that she swallowing knobs behind the sports shed or taking it from behind over the bonnet of her boyfriend's car.

If you really have to know, you are going to have to find yourself a blacksmith so there is no access-----of course she will hate you.
Or when she gets home from a night out, throw her knickers against the wall.--------if they stick, you have your answer.

GPS knickers-----you have to be joking

Saturday, 25 October 2008

FUCK YOU AND YOUR RELIGION

Most of the laws of the western world seem to be some adaptation of the Big Ten.
You know---up the mountain and bring back the tablets----and Thou Shalt Not.

The Christian religions still teach and adhere to the Big Ten and teach condemnation of those who dare to live a life outside of the teachings.

But you only have to look at the variances of "The Word" taught by a plethora of "Christian" sects to see what a divergence of beliefs there can be in one community.

How hypocritical can some of these religions be.
And how hypocritical can members of our society be.

The Catholic Church teaches condemnation of same sex relationship, yet defends, protects and hides members of their hood who are bum fucking choir boys, orphans and students placed in their care.
Members of their congregations alienate members of their own families because they dare to love yet defend their offending teachers.
They even have an old guy in Rome who sets rules on contraception and abortion---it amazes me that they don't publish a book on acceptable positions and limit activity to the bedroom and only on Sundays after attending Church.

Don't get me wrong here----I'm not just picking on the Catholic Church---although they are an easy target----but other "christian" churches are guilty of the same sins.
Hey, a friend of mine was the Monsignor in charge of marriage guidance in this state-----I couldn't help but say to him---"Hey Mons, what would you know about it. You've never been married and never had sex". He said "But I've read all of the books"
Geez, I didn't know that relationships came with an owners manual.

Guys in our communities regularly bitch to their mates because their partners wont participate in anal sex but are totally abhorred by the two guys next door who regularly engage in self same act

Guys love a girl who will spend time licking and sucking their dick but don't want to spent equal time returning the favour.-----but then they are abhorred by by two girls spending the required time with each other.

My State made a big statement by legalising homosexuality.-----my thought at that stage was "I hope they don't make it compulsory".

Some places in this sad world of ours still make sexual activity between two consenting adults of the same sex, illegal.

How sad is this world, and our christian religions, when they cant recognise love.

Hey---am I gay---
Nup, sorry, I really like girls too much
So why write this---
I read probably the saddest post from a lovely young lady who outed herself to her religious parents who's reaction was abominable.
I defend the right of anyone to be in love and I feel sorry for anyone in this world who cant recognise it.

A very wise man----John Lennon----once said----"Give love a chance"

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

SMARTER BY OPPRESSION

On average, past generations left school with a greater over all knowledge than school leavers of today.
They were far better prepared to face the world and had a far greater diversity of career opportunities open to them.
They came out of classes that averaged 35 to 40 students and got very little individual attention from their teachers.
They left school with an ability to count and spell, could find France on a map, make rotten egg gas and create a lever and fulcrum to shift a heavy load.
They had a healthy respect for, or a fear of their teachers.
They called their headmaster sir and had seen or heard of the punishments that he could hand out.

But then we got rights.
Parents were not allowed to punish for fear of legal ramifications.
Teachers were not allowed to raise their voice because the student counsellor said that they were intimidating
Class sizes were capped at 25 to allow for individual attention.
The ability to spell gave way to a phonetic understanding
Counting gave way to ability to use a calculator
No one cared where France was
And we will get some one else to shift that heavy load.

The Police cant kick you in the arse and send you home for causing a public nuisance for fear of losing their jobs and the Courts will ask you to apologise to the owners of the 7 houses you have broken into.

Past generations probably learnt by fear of failure or the fear ramifications for not learning-----but they did learn

But we did learn something very important for success--respect--respect for ourselves, respect for others and respect for society

A little oppression didn't hurt

Monday, 13 October 2008

EQUALITY

Local news stories have two flashers running around town at the moment
Well, maybe not running
One is dropping his dick out the bottom of his shorts to show the young ladies at a popular boat ramp.
The other is hiding in bushes near a bus stop and waving his wand at female commuters waiting for their buses.

Now I cant work out how you get your rocks off by showing your dick to a few strangers and running off
And I don't condone anyone doing it
The ladies have complained and the Police are out looking for the flashers----of course the ladies cant give much of a description of the perpetrators faces but have given detailed descriptions of the dicks.

OK, the equality bit.

So these two blokes are in trouble with the law-----indecency laws
A guy gets his dick out in a night club and he is frogmarched out and gets the shit kicked out of him in the gutter.
A guy waves his wand a little early on a date and he gets spat on and called rude names.

But----and here it is-----

A girl gets her pink bits out and shows then to the world.
No report to the Police and gets followed home by bus commuters and fishermen from the boat ramp
The door Nazis at the club buy her drinks and all the guys cheer.
Her date gives thanks to his God and they have a big night.
And the upskirt photos appear in four magazines

So where is the equality there.

Not that I want to get my dick out and wave it around but there should be equality in the results of publicly displaying of genitalia.

EQUALITY---EQUALITY----EQUALITY

Should I have a poll here----how distasteful would that be on a class publication like this--

OK---tell me----have you got your bits out in public---just for an airing

Thursday, 9 October 2008

DING DONG THE WITCH IS RED

Geez, I thought that when you held a farewell party on your blog, someone withdrew the oxygen and the flicked the switch to that low beeping sound, a few nice things were said about you and you were off----never to be seen again.

Guess I was wrong

I suppose technically the blonde bombshell from Sydney hasn't really made a comeback by guest posting to add some class to the elegant and often wasted one---
But now there has been some red smoke from the chimney and a full resurrection has occurred.

Just when one long term blogger thought that it was safe to start regurgitating scurrilous accusations and throwing them around the sphere to boost their own ego, the phoenix has risen.

She has followed the yellow brick road and found her fighting voice again.

The redheaded witch is back

Welcome home Uber

blogspot.ubermouth.com ---yes, it is the right way around

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

SUMMER SWIM FASHION

Hey guys, it's nearly summer down here, so you will have to get out there and buy some new fashion swimmers.

Yeh, right
Last years boardies arent totally faded yet and there is only one small reef tear in one leg, so why the hell would I waste good cash on new ones.

So guys, you are ready---you just have to find the boardies in the bottom drawer---but what about the ladies

Well you know that they cant wear last years gear so out they go on the hunt.

Not a big deal you say----hmmm-----well read this and you will realise what terror the change of season can strike in the hearts of the ladies.

Of course I didn't write it----I'm too busy sewing up the crotch on my 5 year old boardies.


"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation
known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the
bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with
a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as
engineered. It was built to hold back and uplift and it did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can
either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's
Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of
fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of
horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason
for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh
rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The "mature
woman" is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.
I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view
assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously
from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had
come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtains. "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I
replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.


I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard
skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane
pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright
pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows
to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted ... a two piece affair with shorts
style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and
bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful
outcome!

When I got home, I found a label that said,

"Material will become transparent in water."

Ha----enjoy the search ladies---we will be watching

Thursday, 2 October 2008

THREESOME

Bloody perverts
You thought this was a story about me and two ladies---well its not
It's three ladies

Well, OK, three females

So I get rid of the boarder on the Saturday night. I write my little story on Sunday and settle down to a little cheese and champagne. My house, my dog and I am happy.

Well that bloody phone rings-----well I think, OK, that will be her phoning to say I'm sorry and tell me the $160.00 is on the way -----but no----it's the ex wife.
Oh, fuck, she only rings when there is a problem and I always help-----I'm really out of help----I've given it all away in the past few weeks.

So here she is, in her car, in the driveway of her house, frightened to go inside to her daughter who has beaten her up after a mother/daughter verbal
And I'm supposed to cure this.
OK---the daughter is not my child---I just paid out to raise her because her deadbeat father was raising another child from his second wife
So a few phone calls and at least my ex was in her bedroom and there was some talking going on.
Fuck---I'm out of that one

Tuesday night and the ex boarder phones
OK, I'm ready for the sorry bit and the promise of return of some money---ha
"So Clyde, have you found a pair of high heeled shoes ?"
"Well no, but I'll have a look"------"Oh, yes, they are there"
"So could you send them on to me"
What am I supposed to say-----no, I'm masturbating over them----I'm gonna sell them to recover some of the losses----they will be here when you come back and that will be never.
No, I said that I'll pack them up and send them off by post pack on the weekend.

Oh fuck----leave me alone---

But the phone rings tonight
It's her
How long do I have to wait----yeah, you know the one
So she is working away from town----working in a country location that she knows I visit for work.
She wants to know when I'm gonna be there----
She is there for 4 weeks and back in the city for two weeks then back there again for 4 weeks
Yes, I'm going there-----but I'm going in the two weeks she is back in the city.
But then she tells me that she has been offered 12 months there----if she goes she is going to sell the house that the control guy lives in and she will be free of him
Could it happen
Could she really be with me in 12 months-----she is worth waiting for
There is a chance

Hey, my dog is female and she gives me no grief----my dog loves Ms I can wait----Ms I can wait loves my dog---loves my beach---loves my lifestyle

I'm betting on all of this fucking up-----but if I dont take that chance, I know that I'll regret it

Sunday, 28 September 2008

GIVE & TAKE

OK, I'm a guy, so I'm stupid
We are born this way---we have that other brain---you know---led by the dick
Well I'm starting to think that way

The longer I live, the more I get confirmation of it. There is no such thing as give and take

THE MORE THAT YOU ARE PREPARED TO GIVE, THE MORE SOMEONE WILL TAKE

I am gonna learn one day

So the latest episode

I met her at work---she was temping for us for a couple of months
I could see that she had problems---she was quite private about most of her life--she was really struggling with her finances---she had the education (three degrees) and background to be anything she wanted to be and she was chasing it.
I thought that if she wasn't paying rent, she would have more freedom to have a life and fulfill her dreams.
OK, so I offer her free rent in my house---her own bedroom, bathroom and toilet and no strings attached.
She left our office but two weeks later came in to see if the offer was still there---she just needed it for two weeks.----of course I said yes

She left last night after being here for 11 weeks.

For that 11 weeks, she had no job, paid no rent, bought no food, cooked for me once, smoked 4 packets of my cigarettes per week, borrowed my car for an average 150 ks per week, did no housework and ignored my dog.
She didn't want to talk so she would head for her bedroom after I had fed her unless she had commandeered my pay TV for the night.
She would let me know when her toilet was out of paper and she had run out of toothpaste or soap. She wouldn't answer the phone yet I had to keep asking for the cordless handset from her bedroom.
She wouldn't use the clothes line and her washing was hung in my games room on airers or she used the dryer
It wasn't the warmest of weather so she would run the gas heater all day and eat the nuts and cheese I bought from the market---I guess I didn't need any.

Funny, she had no money but she drank health food power powdered drinks every morning and the rubbish she left behind included containers for another three powdered supplements--over $30.00 each and fat burner tablets (she was built like a greyhound)and three other tablets from health food shops----
Geez, she must have had some money for her own cigarettes

The grand finale came last night when I took her to the airport for her to head home to her parents---she found money for an airfare----but her luggage was 20 kilos over weight----she stood there---she looked at me----she said I guess you'll just have to take it home and freight it up to me-----so OK, I paid the $160.00 excess baggage.

So there we were----11 weeks of paying out for someone to have free rent in my house and I've just paid out $160.00 to get her belongings home with her and she turns to me and says----------

"I should never have come to this State----there is nothing here for me---I'm never coming back to this town"
And she turned and walked off.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

MISUNDERSTOOD

Men are so misunderstood

You call us names----like pervert and sleaze but you just don't understand

Really, we are just so caring, we cant help ourselves




You should appreciate our efforts

Thursday, 11 September 2008

BIG BROTHER IS READING

Ya just never know who is reading the shit that you publish

You get a comment or two or three from a familiar name and every now and then a troll squirts a load of shit across your publication.

But how many people just read and never comment-----and who the hell are they.

So I get this email on the Clyde contact----well, who the hell is this----and there it is ----a proposition

How real it is, I don't know, but I will let you know

The deal is that they want to send me some product, get me to test it out and write up a review for yous mob to read

So, only in the interest of keeping you all informed, I'm gonna give it a go.

What product you say ?-----well from the web address, I'm guessing that it is pheromones-----

If I end up looking like Shrek, smelling like Donkey and getting pissed on by passing dogs, I'm not gonna be too impressed------but if the girlies start smiling at me or sniffing my nuts and I end up getting a root or two, I'm gonna praise this shit forever and get myself a life time supply.

I'll let you know
Bring it on

Friday, 5 September 2008

HOW LONG IS LONG ENOUGH

So how long have you been in love with someone?

So she was 17 and I was 24 but she was everything that I ever wanted in my life.
She came to work in my office and she lived in my area
I gave her a ride to work nearly every day----she was refreshingly honest
Seven years wasn't a great gap but she called me old man
We had everything in common----food, music, love of animals, music, love of the beach, support of a football team
We could say anything to each other----she had braces and hated them---I teased her and called her lead mouth.
Her parents liked me----even her little sister
But---she had a boyfriend

Her parents didn't like him
I'm sure it pushed them closer together
She left our office----she wanted to nurse----she still played netball for the works netball team
Of course I was at every game---we would talk for hours unless her boyfriend was there----and of course she couldn't acknowledge me

I went to a country branch for a month and house sat the boss's house
Her Mother paid an airfare for her and her sister to come and stay with me----her boyfriend thought she was interstate on holiday
I wrote her poetry----I told her that I loved her
Her holiday was over ----two weeks later I got home----she was engaged---I was shattered

She invited me to her engagement party and set me up with her girlfriend----she knew we wouldn't hit it off
A wedding, and I was invited-----I couldn't see it happen----I waited outside the church---he was inside-----she arrived----her Mother wouldn't go---her father was on her arm----she steered him over to me-----I wished her all of the luck in the world and left.

I married----I divorced

I didn't see her for years----my brother was dying----she was in charge of a wonderful little local hospital----she held a sea view room for him----he was only there for four days-----she phoned me and cried with me-----I didn't know that her Father had died the same day.------I went to his funeral----I stood back from the gathering----she was the only one to see me there

She was gone----out of my life----she and her husband sold up and went sailing around the coast.
Her Mother died----she didn't see me at that funeral----I didn't want her to

The phone call came----he had left her----she was 2000 miles away----he had tied up her bank account and was about to take the lot-----she knew I could do it.
The account was dry before he could touch it---she had the best of lawyers before he could breath-----he got his share but not a penny more---I had found every hidden asset and his superannuation account---I found his renamed boat----my god, he squealed.

She came home to her Mothers old house-----her sister had arranged a house sitter---he had nowhere else to go-----he took over her life----
She stayed with me for days----we talked all night but she went back to her house.

She talks to me when she can----my number is in her phone under another name
I cant get her out of there

Will this go on for the rest of my life-----
Her sister phoned last night-----apparently he makes threats against me to her-----she wont come to me and she wont let me come to her

I guess I'll wait some more-------- I should go back to the beach but I'll still wait

Stupid ?----Na, She is the one. I may never be with her but I have to hope

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

ARE WE RACIST

The shame of Australia in earlier years was the "White Australia Policy"
Yes, we would only accept migrants who were white

The majority of our migrants came from Britain, Italy and Greece
But even then, things weren't equal.
While all of the others were paying full fares and arranging their own passages, our wonderful government were sponsoring the British migrants who were affectionately known as 10 pound Pomes
Now, come on I do know how to spell it-----one explanation for the name was "Prisoners of mother England"----so yes, there is a fucking E in it.

Of course, it didn't take long to drop the 10 pound bit and call them the "Whinging Pomes"----basically because they did fucking whinge a lot and tell everyone how much better off they where in England------
So fucking go back was the cry----but the poor fuckers had to pay full fares to go back.------so in the end, we called them 10 pound tourists

Now all of these "Pomes" seem to want to stick together and establish "English" clubs and all live next door to each other------partially our fault cos the public housing was basically whole fucking suburbs and they really didn't want to mix with people calling them whinging Pome pricks---there was another word but this is a classy blog so I aint saying cunts.
Geez in SA, we even built them a suburb and named it after their fucking Queen---oh, she is ours too----oh, ok, but she lives over there.

So all of this time that we are dealing with the whingers, the Greeks and Italians, not so affectionately known as "Wogs"----"Workers of the Government"----are out there taking every job that a non English speaking person can get or, if they had a quid (money, morons)--they were buying up land and establishing farms and market gardens and generally working their guts out to get on in this new country.
But, they like the Pomes, stuck together----so we had the Greek clubs, Italian clubs and they established their own enclaves, living together in big groups

So you get the picture now----we have these Pome bastards----hey, we had changed their name by then----and these wogs and spics all living as groups and not assimilating with us Aussies----well, they didn't want to or we didn't want them to---hmmm, great question.

Now post WW11, we did get an influx of Yanks, but nobody liked them cos they had been here on R&R during the war and were fucking our sheilas----bastards

Now we got to the 60s & 70s and we were taking a lot of Vietnamese migrants who were escaping the oppression of the Communist North after the conflict that those stupid fucking Yanks got us involved in----look, I'm sorry here to any American readers, but your mob seem to want to go into other countries to be heroes to the underdog and drag the rest of the Allies with you----fucking weapons of mass destruction---yeh, come on George, you cant even fucking say it

Oh, ok---so we get all of these Vietnamese here and they want to live in their own little enclaves and don't want to socialise with the rest of us---oh, unless you want to buy drugs, have a need for the sex industry or need a stand over merchant who uses a machete.

Ok, time to finish this and answer the question

We now have big Lebanese, Indian, Sri Lankan, Russian, Serb, Afghan communities along with many others----they are all welcome----it is a great country----but if you want to tell us how much better off you were in your homeland and you want to live in enclaves and not assimilate with the rest of us, then yes, we are racist----racist, because we are proud of our race proud of our own country
Live with us, not next door to us
And don't try to jam your religion up our noses.
Have your beliefs, but don't tell me that they are better than mine
Be my brother and don't get shitty when I want to go out with your sister
Don't be part of a minority group----be part of the whole group----

Yes, I'm racist because you as a race dont appreciate our country and dont like me.

Amen

Somebody get me a Curry Kebab with lemongrass and tabbouleh----oh, and a Scotch or Bourbon

Thursday, 7 August 2008

SAY IT WITH FLOWERS

Fashion changes over the years
Some things just seem to go out of fashion or different generations don't see any value in carrying on things done by the generations gone before.

From talking to friends of varying generations and from a few posts that I have read, it seems as though flowers have hit the fashion dust bin.

Ok, guys will think about flowers on Valentines Day and maybe a birthday or two, but what ever happened to sending flowers as a message.

You don't have to send a card with them because they can speak for themselves.

"Hey, Mum, you deserve these just because its today and you are my Mum"

"You're my wife and you put up with all of my shit."

"I know that you are having a bad day so just smile."

"I love you and I want everyone to know it"

There are all sorts of messages and all sorts of reasons, so why wait til the commercially expected days----just send them.

I remember riding 15 miles on a train, a little worse for wear, swinging onto two bunches of gladiolas, just because I saw them at the station and thought that my wife deserved them for me coming home pissed.
How right I was
I was two hours late for a dinner for her family but she took the flowers in the intended spirit and wrapped them round my bloody head-----oh well, I tried and we laughed about it later----well, she did.

I had sent her flowers many times before we were married but the first bunch that I sent after the nuptials resulted in some suspicion-----"what have you done now"
But in the end, she just loved to get them for no reason.

I still send flowers to a long term friend in another State, just because she is alone and working a long way from family and friends. It makes her smile and realise that someone is at least thinking of her

So guys, just do it
I don't know a lady who doesn't like to get flowers occasionally-----and if you don't send a message, they will work it out.

There are all sorts of messages

Sunday, 27 July 2008

PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT

Guys are very bad at taking care of their own health.

Those lucky enough to have a partner are usually healthier because they get nagged into having check-ups.

One of the biggies is having a prostate check.

You can actually have a blood test without getting the doctors finger in the arse----and guys really do have a fear of the doctor digitalizing the fluffer valve.

Well guys, here it is----how to make sure that it doesn't happen to you.
Ladies, be kind and pass it on---very valuable information.


Tuesday, 15 July 2008

GOOD FOR YOU

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
¶=
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love ---that's bonk for you cretins--- they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth----so stop lying Kylie, we can see it in your hair.
¶=
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.------ah ha---no pimples, you are bonking your heart out
¶=
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.----so you might as well say yes or ya gonna end up fat
¶=
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers----unless you are into that kinky stuff
¶=
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being----so when you talk about fucking depression, it is actually a lack of fucking, depression
¶=
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy-----but I'm guessing that if you ain't getting any, everyone knows and thinks that you are a dud root
¶=
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM------it sure calms me down and I sleep like a baby----hey, just refreshing myself for morning sex
¶=
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up------so get rid of the tooth brush, gargle and snog someone on the train to work
¶=
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain------so no more of that bullshit of not tonight, I've got a headache
¶=
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever------geez, they've taken all of the good cold and flu drugs off the shelf---who knew you could do the same with a little help from a friend

So if you want to look good and feel good, there is one thing that you can do to help your self-----get out there and root like rabbits.

If anyone (girls only) needs any assistance, as a public service to mankind, I can make myself available

Ha

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

USE BY DATE

Geez, what a shock.

So I wake up this morning---no no, that's not the shock------so as per usual, I listen to the news before I spring out of bed---oh, ok, it was a crawl.

Anyways, I'm listening to the news and there it is----men have a biological clock.

Well, who knew

So what they are saying is that around 35 years old, men are at an age when things start going stale.

Now I wanna know how this works.
So are they doing sperm counts----hey, and they intrigue me.
How do they do them ?
Yeh, I know, you have to wank in a cup and hand it to the nurse. But what happens then.
Is it like counting the sheep flock---do they get a little dog to chase them through a gate and a little bloke is there counting them----yep, that's gotta be it.

But some blokes start of with a very big sperm count and others very low----so how are they working out that the counts are falling at an age.
Do we have to wank in the cup once a year for 20 years for comparison sake or is there a changing percentage of the little swimmers doing backstroke.

Any how, they are saying things start to happen at an age.

And then they went on to say that in some countries, the sperm banks wont accept donations from guys over 45. Geez, there is gonna be an excess of stale old jism looking for a place to go-----oh, hang on, it's still mainly Lecithin---
Leciwhat--ok, it helps with arthritis, fat metabolism, improved memory and---ok---see my Owner Operator post.

So, back to it.
Looks like guys have a use by date

Ok, I know that you are gonna say that there are all these old guys in Hollywood pumping out kids from their 24th wife.
But that is now fraught with its own dangers
They are saying that old sperm is responsible for miscarriages and birth defects

Now, they didn't say anything about frozen sperm----so I'm guessing that's ok.
And frozen eggs are ok
And there have been frozen embryos

So, if you are thinking about breeding a little later in life, you had better make room along side the steaks in the freezer.

Not sure I want to hear tomorrows news

Thursday, 3 July 2008

WHAT YOU SEE

There is a saying of "What you see is what you get"

But what about what you dont see

Did you ever wonder -- what was her secret?





Victoria's Secret



Now that could frighten you on a dark night

Saturday, 28 June 2008

PARTY GIRLS

A friend of mine sent me this and I thought it was a bit of fun.

But then I realised after reading blog posts from all over the world, it wasn't just fun----it was true

So from a party girl friend of mine to you-----

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO
IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATS US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE
VODKA.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT
THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.


So come on---tell me it's not true----
Ha

Oh, and while I'm here, can anyone tell me where this train station is, cos I so want to go there and stand at the platform edge

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

THOUGHTS

INTIMIDATION

Its everywhere



PROCRASTINATION

Monday, 23 June 2008

SHE IS BACK

I have nothing else to say except

SHE IS BACK

For those who dont know, she took a holiday to play with a local TV show

Who is she

Only the Queen of BLOGGYWOOD AUSTRALIA

The one, the only Steph
muchadoaboutsumthin.blogspot.com

She is the only reason I established an account and between her and Uber, the only reason I attempted to blog

Go there
Go there now

Friday, 20 June 2008

WHO IS IN CHARGE

We all like to think that in any relationship, we are equal partners

But in reality, men in a relationship think with their "little" brain and although they like to think they are equal or even in charge the reality is


Monday, 16 June 2008

WHAT WOMEN WANT

What do women want ?

The age old question that has had men on the back foot for years has finally been answered by a British survey.

These same surveys have said that men think about sex every 52 seconds.

Now they have revealed that that three out of four young women think about clothes or shoe shopping every 60 seconds.

The survey interviewed 778 women aged 19 to 45.
Almost half of them said that they kept their partners in the dark about the level of their spending.
Nearly half of them said that they did not wear everything in their wardrobe, while 10 per cent became bored with new clothes within a fortnight.

Does that make women shallow ?

Personally I don't become bored with a new sexual partner within a fortnight---and I'm quite happy to keep that model til it wears out.
I don't think that they actually go out of fashion.

Does that make men more practical ?

Saturday, 7 June 2008

DREAM JOB

As kids we all dream about these wonderful jobs that we are going to have when we grow up.
The boys are going to be Fighter or Airline Pilots or Professional Sportsmen--- Ah the start of that testosterone thing----and the girls are going to be Super Models or Pop Stars.
We get a little older and the boys couldn't care less about careers because there are all those girls to conquer---there's that testosterone thing again----and the girls start to get serious about being a Nurse, Teacher or Pop Star---yep, they never grow out of wanting to be Britney--even Britney cant grow out of it.

Late in a secondary school education, we really start to look at what we can be because our education has to head that way. The Lawyers, Doctors and Engineers start to emerge and take a different direction from the Plumbers, Carpenters and Hairdressers.

If we end up in a job that we are educated into we tend to make that our career and we are in that field for our working life.

And so we start to dream again.
The guys want to own a pub and the girls want to be travel consultants and travel the world.
And then there are those franchise opportunities
You can get out in the open air mowing lawns or washing dogs.
You can buy into a Subway or Harvey Norman franchise

You can totally change your life

Have you ever thought about doing it ?
It's never too late.
Well, I've found my new career.
Wish me luck

Friday, 30 May 2008

MARKETING

Several women I know have asked for me an explanation of Marketing.
Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
-- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and
reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and
then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated toward the centre and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam.

So that's that explained

Sunday, 25 May 2008

HAVE WE COME TOO FAR

I live on the same block of land that I was born on.
I knocked my parents house down a few years back and built a new house.
Sure, it's newer, sure it's bigger and it now has three toilets and two bathrooms but the biggest difference between the two houses is that I have roller shutters protecting the front windows, security doors and dead locks protecting the entrance doors, padlocks on the side gates and keyed window locks on all of the windows.

How sad is it that my parents wouldn't even lock the back door of their house and the side gate was only closed to keep the dog in and they were never burgled in the 45 years that they were here----yet I've already, with all of that security, been broken into once.
There is no longer any respect by people for another persons property.

God, my parents used to leave money out with the milk bottles and have milk delivered every morning---do that now and your money has gone, the bottles have been smashed in your driveway and your garden gnomes (ok, I haven't got any ) have been kidnapped.
A friend of mine paid over $4000.00 to have his front yard landscaped---six months later, he woke up one morning to find 6 pencil pine trees had been stolen---two months later, he returned from holidays to find three half ton moss rocks had been taken.

As teenagers, my friends and I had great respect for the local community police officer---he would give you a kick in the arse and tell you to go home----
You wouldn't tell you parents because you would get another kick in the arse at home and grounded for a month for coming to the attention of the police.
If a police officer did that today, a parent would have him before the courts or a disciplinary tribunal and he would be on the unemployment line quicker than he could draw his truncheon.

As a child, I knew better than to throw a tantrum in a shop, because I would get the whack on the arse that I deserved and every adult in the shop would applaud-----do that today and the parent is charged with assault and the child put in the care of some strange family who will no doubt sexually assault them.

And for God sake, don't show too much public affection towards your child because you will offend someone and they will report you to some Families Department and you will be forever labeled as a sexual predator.

Now, when your house gets broken into or someone steals your car and it is a juvenile apprehended for the crime, don't expect to see them serving time in a Juvenile Facility-----no, no, expect to receive a Court ordered letter of apology from the offender written just before he breaks into your neighbours house----and when he gets caught for that one, you and your neighbour can compare letters
Gone are the days when that same Juvenile will serve time in a Facility because we shouldn't do that to children because it is not their fault----its likely to be their parents fault because they cant keep them home at night----and they cant keep them home at night because if they try, then the child will report them to some Families Department and the parents will be prosecuted and the children installed in some foster facility that will let them go out at night to break into houses----or the children will hit the streets and the Government will give them money to live away from home.

Of course these kids will grow up and finish up in the adult courts and eventually be sent to gaol----a little too late----
Now we cant sentence prisoners to hard labour any more, so while they are in gaol, we cant make them do anything towards their own rehabilitation-----so they just associate with hardened older offenders and learn all of the tricks of the trade for re offending upon release----or if they are a little on the weak side, they can become a cell bitch for some big guy who isn't getting out for some time.

Ok, we have come a long way in other areas.
You live next door to me and you worship what you like with whoever you like whenever you like with the freedoms you should never have had to wait for.
Your daughter will take my managerial job one day and I will be as proud of her as you are.
My pale colour and round eyes are no longer an issue to you

Thank your God that we have come a long way----but are you sure that we should have come this way ?

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

THE RULES

Sorry, I've got lazy this week so I've just grabbed this from a few things stored on my drives.
The contents are not necessarily the views of this guy






BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE

Blow job Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".



------------------------------------------------------------------------



A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Monday, 19 May 2008

FANTASY

Come on, you are reading blog posts---you have to believe in fantasy
Although I must admit to sticking to the facts recently and I'm going to again.
This is almost a Ha, got ya Clyde.

So guys, come on, admit it---you all have these sexual fantasies
They might involve female bloggers---and hello to Kylie, Fanny, Keshi, Uber, Steph, Stacy, Ann, Deborah, Pri, Eve, Kali-----come on---no stones here----I'll admit to being a tart.
But back to it----the fantasies

Now guys, you might like a little dressing up, or a little pain, or little outdoor activity but in the end it comes back to the big two----no, not a nice pair of mammary glands----although, if you are Japanese, you want to add in Bukake--look it up folks.
So the big two are a threesome or a Mother and Daughter duo.

Now I have to admit about fantasising about both of the big two but I have to admit that I have been given the oportunity of the threesome and bailed out.
It's a great dream but who wants to share with another guy and who needs two lovely ladies giving you a critique on your performance----hey and most guys I know are the same.
Besides all of that, I would rather concentrate on one special lady.

Ok, here it comes.

So last year and early this year, I had a relationship with a wonderful young lady a fair bit my junior----hey come on---she picked me up---no stones to be thrown here.
It lasted just on four months and ended on very friedly terms------hey, it was never gonna last but was fun for both of us.

Last week she phoned me-----first contact for four months----we had this great conversation til she said to me "Do you know CB"-----
I though and said that I didnt remember the name---she said "What about CT"----I still didnt remember or couldnt relate til she said "Check you school year book for this year".
Well then it came back-----of course I remember----yes we went out a few times (I wasnt going to mention the very enjoyable under aged sex) in high school.
OK---punch line folks.
She said, "Glad you remember her, she's my Mum"

Fark, I wish people would label their fucking children.
Of course I didn't tell her that mummy and I had played under aged tonsil hockey and hide the sausage
And of course I didn't tell her that she was better that her mother----
So it was an "Ah, yes, we were in the same class"----which was followed by her giggle and a request not to tell her mother that we had been playing hide the sausage for a few months.

Hey, I dont want to tell her mother-----who wants to get involved with those old folks.

OOOHEEEEEE-----Mummy and daughter------shit, Mummy was younger than the daughter when we played------but the fantasy fulfilled---

OK, it was unintentional---so no burn in hell for me

Sunday, 18 May 2008

ALL WASHED UP


My father used to walk our dogs on the beach as often as he could.
He was a quiet little man of very simple pleasures and always came home with shells and pebbles----in the end he had beds of pebbles throughout his gardens

The first storm of autumn hit our beach this week bringing all new treasures of the sea up onto the sand. The pooch and I seem to have the beach to ourselves on days like this.-----A bit of wind and rain and most people look for a warm dry place to hibernate.

I have walked that beach thousands of times and have found plenty of bottles ----some of them left there and others washed up in the storms----but until two years ago I had never found that mystical message in a bottle.

There it was, bobbing in the shallows---a Jamacian rum bottle with paper rolled up inside---there was a little water which I emptied straight out but the damp paper was stuck to the sides.
The thoughts that went though my mind as pooch and I walked home with our bottle---someone is stuck on an island and I'm going to get them off---it will be a message from some spunk on the other side of the world, looking for love---someone from a cruise ship wants to know where this has ended up.

I dried the note in the bottle in the oven and pulled it out with a wire hook----it was so sad.

I dont think the bottle had floated too far.
It was a letter from a young girl who had written it on the beach while drinking half of that rum.
It was a letter declaring her undying love to another girl.
She was declaring her love and outing herself as gay.
They had been best friends through school but she had never been game to tell her friend how she felt.
They had virtually lived for each other through school and now three years on but then her girl had found a boyfriend.
This girl was being gradually squeezed out of her girlfriends life and was alone.
She had never told her friend that she loved her as more than a friend and now her chance was gone.
She wrote about wanting to die---about not wanting to go on without her friend.

It was her love letter and this was the only address she could send it to.

I hope the sea took her sadness----I hope it took her anger---I hope it gave her peace

Sunday, 11 May 2008

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

I hope all of you who are mothers had a great day and that you at least heard from your family today.
And all of you who have mothers, I hope that you remembered to at least call your mother and tell her how much that you love her.

I didn't forget my mother and when the pooch and I set off for an early morning walk on the beach, I had a very special cargo in my backpack.

When my last dog died, I had her cremated. Kate was her name and she had spent a lot of her early life with Mum, Dad and my Brother.
Mum asked if I would keep her ashes til she died and spread them on our beach with hers.

I'd kept mum's ashes for two years and Kate's for six years but it was time and there could not be a better day.

So as their remains combined and mixed with the sands of the beach that they both loved so much I said goodbye----goodbye, happy mothers day and I love you both.

And you wonder why I walk that beach in the rain.

Saturday, 3 May 2008

HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY THAT I LOVE YOU

Yes it is a song-----but you will get the point.


I was 16 years old when I was woken by my Grandmother yelling at the back gate---I brought her into the house before running up to her home to find my Grandfather dead on the floor. My Grandmother died two years later.
They were both in their eighties and not in good health ----- I dont ever remember telling them that I loved them even though I had spent all of my life seeing them on a daily basis.
I didnt cry at their funerals and I really havent ever missed them----I guess I thought their time was up----my paternal Grandparent died before I was 2 so I remember nothing of them.

My only brother and I were great mates til girls came on the scene---then he didnt want his little brother hanging around. But he supported me in everything I ever did.
When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the arse fell out of my world.
He was at home til three days before he died and we would talk the night away.
He was on morphine for the pain, so I would dose him up in the mornings before I went to work so that he was comfortable and slept most of the day in the care of my parents but only enough to take the edge off at night because he wanted to talk. The things we told each other fade as time goes by but I will forever remember the tears in his morphine clouded eyes when I told him that I loved him---I told him that he was my hero and that I would miss him til the day I died---and I still miss him and I still get very misty thinking about our night time talks.
I was with him when he slipped ito a coma but I still talked to him and kept telling him that I loved him------I was with him in the hospital 10 minutes before he slipped away and I told him again and told him it was OK if he needed to go now.

My heart sank when the phone rang---I had just got through the door, but I knew---
And then I had to hold my Mum and tell her that the son who had lived with her for 44years had just died.
That is he first time that I can remember telling my parents that I loved them----how must they have felt----your children are not supposed to die before you do.
My Dad was just stunned---he had blamed himself because the cancer was hereditary---he had survived two cancer operations in ten years.

From then on, I told my parents that I loved them as often as I thought I should---I think it almost made my Dad uncomfortable because he wasnt a touchy feely bloke--I dont think that there was much love in his family.

I lost my Dad before he died---dementia took him away----I visited him every day in a nursing home----he was happy but I was sad that it was no longer my dad---I got no reaction but I still told him that I loved him.
I'm sad to say that it was almost a blessing when he died----I was with him and said goodbye and told him that I loved him.

Mum and I were great friends and her health was reasonable til she slipped into a coma after a short illness----she came back(apparantley due to being off her regular medications and now on morphine) for about 30 minutes---I'm lucky, I was there with her.
She asked if she was dying and who was I to lie to my mother---she checked that I had everything ready and that I would be alright----told me that she loved me and slipped back to her sleep----
I held her hand and talked to her in many visits over the next three days and always left her teling her that I loved her------
I knew that she wouldnt last that night and that phone call came.

I dont think that I could have got past losing any of them without knowing that they loved me and without me telling them that I loved them.

You never know when you are going to lose someone, so dont have that regret that you never got to tell them

Do it now---do it when you leave for work in the morning----do it before you go to sleep at night-----end your phone calls with it

TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM

"Hey, are blokes supposed to cry"
"Yes Clyde, if they have feelings"
"So I'm just showing my feelings then"
"Yes Clyde, and you are not frightened to show them"
"No, I dont mind people knowing how I feel"
"Good, now pour me another Bourbon"

Thank you Rod Stewart

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

WHO IS CLYDE

Ok guys, this is like when the tampon adverts come on TV---time to get a beer and take a slash cos this is a bit girlified.
A friend, a talented blog mistress who shall remain annonymous (Uber, you witch) has said that I should write about the life of Clyde---nothing like the life of Brian.
Not too many bloggers let you in to their lives but what the fuck, I'll let you in---I have nothing to hide.

Oh, you can ask questions

Why Clyde---easy question----I have this fascination with Scotland---my mother was born there--on the banks of the river Clyde---I'm going there sometime soon.

By the sea----again easy----I live 100 yards from a beautiful southern Australian beach----how peaceful is it walking on a beach every day----come and try it.

So you are really a guy then Clyde----hey, I was born with the right bits and you put pussy in front of me and I'll be up and around.

So your not gay then Clyde----shit man, I'm not homophobic but I'm not Catholic (the priest and little boy thing)---so like I said---show me the pussy.

So how old are you Clyde-----as old as your fantasy wants me to be but lets say 30 was a few years back-----vanity-----oh shit yes---some of these young readers like Keshi Fanny and Anne might not read here again.

So are you married Clyde----Not any more----I did try it once---I've told you a few things about her----like she stayed on the pill while sending me off for fertility tests----dont tell her, but I enjoyed the wank-----she was alcoholic and violent---unfaithful and abusive---jealous and obsessive-----she took everything that I had and lost me most of my friends.

So you hate her then Clyde----never----how can you hate what you once loved---I hate what she did to me but how could I hate her----I pitty her for the way she deals with life-----she now no longer drinks and still phones me for help----and I do what I can.

So are you in love now Clyde-----yep, I love life----not sure that mine is the life that I want to live but I keep trying.

So you're not getting laid then Clyde-----well actually yes---I have two great friends (fuck buddies---great description) but I have to admit that I would rather be in a one on one relationship.

Ok, so do you have kids then Clyde------unfortunately not----my ex wife had a daughter from a previous marriage and didnt want any more----forgot to tell me that bit-----did I tell you that I was victim 3-----she had been married twice before---na--she forgot to tell me that bit til after we got married.

So family Clyde-----sorry, I have none----my only brother never married and died early----another one of those stupid males who wouldnt have a regular check up and his cancer was too far advanced-----parents both gone, so thats it.

So lonely then Clyde------guess you have never had a labrador dog

So you have the regular health checks then-----yep, around my birthday each year and thats today------especilly for colon cancer----thats what got my brother and my father had it twice----big chance for me.

Affraid your going to die Clyde-----shit no---everyone is gonna do that----wouldnt mind some advance notice-----but I'm ready

So who gets the loot--not the ex wife------oh shit no----I have three lifelong friends in the world-------one is like a daughter to me---no I have never and yes I love her dearly---cant believe I'm a male equivalent of a brides maid for her wedding----another my pub friend---she is a great mate and her husband doesnt give a stuff about their relationship-----and one a mate since we were 7 years old.----but its for his kids who I love.-----they call me uncle---but I'm the cool uncle.

So job Clyde----yep, I've got one----I work in the legal area and I love it----criminal law

So are you in love with any bloggers-------shit man, this is a fantasy world---off course I'm in love with them, but haven't you noticed that they are from all over the world----but aren't all of these ladies beautiful

So Clyde, are you going to answer their questions-----of course---what do I have to hide-----but I doubt any one wants to know

So did I make any spelling mistakes-----shit yes, but they wont care--oh, except Fanny ----shes a word Nazi and Uber----did you spell her name right
So you're not going to check this then----shit man, the bottle is empty---bloody champagne-----Clyde, are you a poofter with this champagne shit---no way--pussy is the go----ok-----bloody Uber

Oh, is that you on your beach Clyde-----be fucking real----I'm not gonna wear a tie on the beach and he doesnt have a dog----man, he doesnt even have a champagne glass

Friday, 18 April 2008

WANKERS WANTED

Jebus, I said I wouldn't post very often but now two in two days.---Prolific, that's the word.
But when the local newspaper gives you blog fodder, you just have to share.

There it is in the paper---there is a shortage of sperm donors for local fertility clinics. This has occured since it became standard practice to identify the donors---yep, who wants to be indentified as a wanker.

You have to love this bit---The clinical director said that they now only had a "handful" of donors.-----yes Mr / Ms Director, that's how they do it.
Now they are forced to tell women to bring their own----what next--a BYO sperm bank.

Here is the big worry---"The director is concerned that women who cannot find a donor, could source sperm in other ways and inseminate themselves"----heaven forbid, they are gonna go out and get a root-----geez, is that radical.

Now come on folks, this isn't funny
There are single women out there who dont want to part the knees to allow access to a spitting meat sausage but would love to be inseminated via a turkey baster.---hey, its their choice. And who can blame them when you know that once that snake is out from behind the zipper, it wants a dip in every orifice of the female form.
And there are married couples out there and the guy's taddies are doing backstroke so they need a bit of a hand----there it is---hand again.

So here's the deal.
All of you blokes who like to give the snake a bit of a vigorous shake and are siphoning your taddies down the dunny drain or wiping them off on your mother's curtains, why dont you go down to the wanking room of the local fertility clinic and deposit a little donation in the provided cup.
Now I dont have any experience here but I'm sure that they provide you with a selection of appropriate magazines or maybe a film or two (No, not Lassie comes home, you pervert).
I don't think that the nurse will give you a hand, but you can always ask---if you get a yes to that, please let me know.

So get out there and wank for the good of the world. Your Mother will be proud.

Oh, you dont try to hit the cup on the table---hold it close and drain the last drop.

I think they actually pay you to wank.
If you really think that it's a sin, put the fee in the plate on Sunday---dont get it confused---wank in the cup, money in the plate

Girls---if you dont want to swallow, maybe you could dash down to the bank and spit in the cup.

PS:--Just a thought---maybe when you give blood, they can have a little milking machine thingy and take a little milky donation----geez, that could raise your blood pressure

Thursday, 17 April 2008

USE IT OR LOSE IT

Ok, so I've told you about the medicinal values of semen and now there seems to be a bit of a run on it at the tap.
Once informed, every female health freak wants to drink from the fountain of youth or bathe in the milk of the asp--(geez, do I really have to explain--ok---asp---small snake as in one eyed trouser snake---remember Cleopatra)

Now the guys are starting to complain because they have to keep up the supplies and performance is being demanded on an unprecedented level.

Guys, there is some very good news for you in this deal.

The male hormone that keeps all of your tackle in good working order and gives you a good lift is called Testosterone. Now that's no news to anyone and they are always talking about testosterone levels in teenagers and athletes.
Here is the good bit. If you keep on pumping----that's having a root or wanking or that lovely lady of yours sips from the straw, you will keep your testosterone level up to a reasonable degree.

Big fucking deal you say---well you should say that too.
Because an elevated testosterone level ensures that you dont suffer from brittle bones in later life and that your memory level is enhanced.
Bullshit you say---well sorry, it has been proven---so keep on rooting and not only will you be able to remember when you had your last root, you wont break your leg in the dismount.

Now I am not sure if there is actually any testosterone in semen but I would assume so. So guys, just to be the genltlemen that we know you are, make sure at some stage you deposit a full blast or at least some residue on your lady's breasticles.
Why.
Ok, you can read up on this bit---testosterone or a man made derivitive of testosterone is commonly used in the treatment of breast cancer.
See---you only did it for her own good

God, I feel like Dr Phil

Friday, 11 April 2008

OWNER OPERATOR

My parents were very big on sex education
About the time that I started to sprout a few pubes, my father walked into my bedroom, threw this little book on my bed and said "here, you had better read this".

Now I know what you're thinking---cool father, giving his son his first taste of porn or at least a titty book----well, sorry--but it was a little book on the human body. Ok, it did have drawings of some girlie bits but nothing I hadn't seen before playing pants down doctors and nurses with the girl next door.
No girls in my family, so was I surprised when she dropped her pants and there was no dick and she assured me that she could pee though that thing even without a straw.
And bugger me if she doesnt get to the age of sprouting a pube or two and having a bit of swelling in the chest area and she doesnt want to play pants down any more.
Now this is where girls confused me---four years later she wanted to show me her tits and take her own pants down---you never know what they want.

Anyway, I got off the track
So I've read the little book and dear old Dad asks if I have any questions---obviously it was a rhetorical question because he was out of there before I could speak.
Now next comes this family health book the size of the Australian Constitution with an instruction of "you can look through this"
Well, there it was--MASTURBATION

You may well think that this was an instruction manual on how to do it but no, no, no. There it was, chapter and verse on the evils of self operating your own organ.
If I do this I'm going to hell. I'm gonna grow hair on the palms of my hands. Every one will know because of the big black circles under my eyes and I'm gonna go blind.

Well that put me off for a few months but there was some sort of comfort in playing with it when it reared up for no known reason----and there was this talk at school about ear popping experiences and how good it made them feel.
So being a fairly rational sort of kid, I worked out that I could probably do it a little bit and no one will notice the hairs on my palms and I could wear glasses like other kids at school.
Now some of the lads had said something about rubbing it raw---that worried me---but a couple of the smarter masturbators had been lubricating with vaseline or some skin cream and that seemed like the go.
Well, my father used to do some leather work so he had some vaseline down in the shed. Dad was out walking the dog and Mum was cooking dinner so into the shed I went to give this thing a go.
I dont know what I was expecting but about 20 strokes into it, I started to wonder what all the fuss was all about---maybe I wasnt doing it fast enough or maybe it was pull only and you had to let go between strokes----all of these thought were racing though my mind when, fuck me, it went off in my hand.
Jebus, I'll swear that my ears popped and I went weak at the knees and this stuff just spurted out and then kept on oozing
It was exciting yet frightenning but I had joined the successful masturbators club.

So when they say that you will continue to revisit your youth, I have to agree.
But dont call me a wanker, I'm just an owner operator

Now a bit of information for the ladies.
Google Lecithin
You will find claims that it assists in the ---
Relief of Arthritis
Fat Metabolism
Fat Transportation in the body
Improvement of memory
And maintaining the health of hair and skin.

What you need to know now is that semen is more than 80% Lecethin

Spit ?

Thursday, 3 April 2008

CHAMPAGNE AND YOUR GOD

Ok, I'm gonna finish this story---or at least try to clarify it.

Alright, I told you that I did have a read of the worlds best selling book---No not Harry Fucking Potter, the Bible you fucking heathens.
Now it was fucking confusing---book after book--(it is divided into fucking books you ignorant arseholes)---so where was I---Yep, ok---book after book seemed to be at odds with another book
Now this didn't happen with J K Rowling ---her books just flowed---so do my stick books.
So lets have a little look at it
So the son of GOD was born to some chick who was married to a carpenter but she was a virgin----geez, he must have been busy---not even time to knock up the missus on the wedding night-----yep, we are gonna believe that.
Oh, historians have found that Joseph, who didnt get a root in this case, had been married before and had a few kids---and him and Mary had a few more kids, before and after---so dont pity this dude---he got his end in eventually.
Geez, what a great little puller at the local---my Mum is the mother of the son of God---I'm a half prick relation to the son of God----now theres a winner with the girls----I reckon I could even get a root with that story.

Ok lets get into the the big gathering feeding----normally the big BBQ---but this Jebus bloke fed the multitude (thats lots of people) with a few loaves and fishes---shit, they must have all been on the Jenny Craig and eating fuck all.
Now here's one for Wolf Blass-(bloody top Australian wine maker you ignorant bastards)---this Jebus bloke turned the water into wine at some dinner-----geez Wolf, that will save you growing grapes---just get this bloke to turn the tap on.
Ok, now we have this bloke Moses
So he wanders up onto a mountain in bushfire season, past a burning bush and then wanders on down and tells everyone that they SHALT NOT----and it was that they shalt not enjoy everything that they had been doing-----
Me thinks that Moses wasnt getting a root off the neighbours wife so he was gonna get it banned in the name of God----go big Mo---we will believe----personally Mo, she is 84 and I dont really want to try her on.
So Mo, we really want to know about this parting the of sea bit----there's a few escapees who would like to learn this trick and a few ferry operators hope you dont come back with JC

Alright, we are gonna talk about the come back kid.
There are so many "Christian Religions" who each have their own interpretations on the BOOK but they all have this commonality of the great great JC is gonna make a comeback
Ok, the biggest premature ejaculators are the "Black Suits"----yes the Mormons--yes it is basically a Christian religion with a big interpretation by one Joseph Smith of some "Golden Plates"(similar to Mo's tablets) in the 1820s-----
Now these dudes made a declaration of a return date in the 1950/60s and said he was coming to Salt Lake City.
So all of these poor bastards, all over the world, sold up and moved to said city and built a big landing area AND----the cunt did not turn up----guess they were wrong but they will keep on trying and are selling lots of Amway
The rest of them havent been game to name a date---smart people---you dont want to be as big a dick as the Mormons but lets be prepareded and do the right things.
They all want to be the chosen ones.
Ok, Catholics---well actually Roman Catholics---church of Rome---priests never been married but give great experienced advice on marriage and sex--(must be with choir boys)
Now you Anglicans, your religion is Catholisism---but an English interpretation because the church of Rome didnt want Henry VIII killing off all of those wives.
The Methodist Church was surely only formed to allow for the non drinking Catholics.
The Lutherans after some German interpretation of Christianity obviously designed to take over the world---because the Germans try
Presbyterians, now thats the church of Scotland, so I'm guessing that was formed to allow sex with small woolly animals.
Jehovas Witnesses---mostly disenchanted Roman Catholics who wanted to use a condom.
Chritadelphians--strange little masturbators who will find you a wife if you join the club.
Now they all believe that they are the chose ones and that they will be there at the second coming.
I dont want to be around if the Chritadelphians are right----they believe that they will spring from their graves----there is gonna be some aweful ugly sights---

OK---I'm all finished---as one very talented Irish comedian said---MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU

Oh---the champagne---well I drank it to write this shite

Hope you are right

Amen

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Free BBQ Days

Most of you have just had a 4 day weekend because of a Christian celebration but you didn't have to get a note from the local Godbotherers to show that you weren't just sacrificing a lamb on the BBQ and drinking more piss than a Priest after communion.

Now I was raised in a Christian religion---well so I thought til I read that us Presbyterians were Johnny come latelies and were origonally listed as heathens----thus the sacrifice on my hot plate.
Most of you have the same book in your house that you have never read from cover to cover and have no intention to ever do so. Ok, no stone throwing here, but I'm going to admit to actually reading it once and never having been so confused in my life--oh, except my wedding day----hmm, something else that changed my life.
Now I have no idea what to believe----not my ex wife, that's for sure

So we had last friday off because some Romans (hey, aren't they Catholic) nailed a bloke up on a cross because he was going around preaching about his belief ( note to Jehovas Witnesses )
Now this bloke supposedly forgave the Romans gathered under the cross (right, like I'm gonna do that--you drove nails through my hands you arseholes )
This poor bloke dies up on this cross so they take him down and stick him in a cave---he's dead, they dont bury him, or plug up any of the holes like they really do or embalm him----shit, they just stuck him in a cave.
So two days later, for some reason, someone goes to check on him, presumably to see if he has turned a shade of green, and the fucker has gone.
Now here is the big trick. Apparently he is out wandering around and gone to see his mates-----geez, that would frighten the shit out of you----man, lay down, your dead.
So thats why you got Monday off.

Lucky I'm here to explain this to you

Now, being a bit of an inquisitive bastart and liking things medieval and Celtic I went along to listen to a well respected authority on Celts---and here's the big story.
In Celtic mythology, they say that the bloke didn't die up on that cross and that his mates actually smuggled him and his girlfiend out of the country and eventually to Scotland. No, not the end of the story---supposedly from there, they shot through to France and their lineage (yes, he and MM were doing it)are the French royal family.
Just to add a little credence to this story, the holy grail is supposed to be buried under an extremely thick stone floor of a Scottish abbey----the Scots wont let anyone dig it up but some US scientists with Xray equipment say that something is there.

So no more holidays for you unless you confess your sins---and you might need a few days off for that

And 2008 years later, they reckon he's gonna make a comeback---shit, I reckon the whole world will take a holiday for that---another lamb on the BBQ