Monday, 28 September 2009


OK, look it up----if you don't know the language-----HAIRY

I don't think that I have any less hair than I had 20 years ago but it has shifted a bit.
I have no idea how much hair I had when I was born.
Geez I have seen some nude nut babies who seem to sprout hair very quickly, some that sprout hair fairly slowly and some that wouldn't be out of place in a litter of Cocker Spaniels but lose the hair and grow it again.
What ever colour it is, the hair is on the top of your head and that is it---and it is straight, curly, wavy or frizzy naturally.----luck of the draw

But then you get to be "that" age and hair starts to grow in other regions----
Now if you are female it is only three areas (hopefully) but with guys it can be anywhere---well OK, "those three girly areas plus your face, chest and some even on the back.

It really doesn't matter if your head hair is straight or curly, the hair in your nether regions is curly-----why ?----I have no fucking idea---work it out for yourself.

OK, a few years into this more hirsute life, some people start to trim, shave or wax this hair-----guys shave their faces, girls have a go at the armpits and legs and then start to have a little trim of the bush----some keep on trimming, some shape, some shave completely some wax----all a personal choice----OK, and there are those who have to chop a gap in the mono brow and give the top lip a little grooming.

Of course there are those guys who who look like they are wearing King Kong's T shirt who decide to get the chest and back defoliated-----give them a few years and it becomes the back, crack and sack

Now here is my point------and mainly for guys-----you get to about half way through your life span and that hair on the top of your head starts to thin out----why---geez, I don't know---but it does-----and people start to say "Hey are you losing your hair"
Well I have to tell you----it ain't happening---you're losing nothing---it's just relocating--cos all of that hair that isn't growing on your head is finding other ways out----it's coming down your nose, out of your ears, its on your knuckles and I reckon there is a bit more around your but.
All of a sudden you are plucking and trimming more than your lady

Now one thing here guys-----I have never seen a good comb over---it might look OK to you and you might think that you are fooling everyone but you are not.
I have never seen a good rug yet.
If it gets to a stage where a regular hair cut just doesn't do it, have a number one all over or shave it.
And those eyebrows----if you can comb them, trim them---get your barber to do it

Ladies---just keep on doing what you are doing----you are beautiful---

Monday, 21 September 2009


How confusing is this English language

Now this is my native tongue although you may not think so at times.
If it confuses me at times, how confused are the poor people who migrate to English speaking countries and start learning the language for the first time.

OK, so it's called ENGLISH---so I'm guessing that it originated from England and quite well bastardised in England before being well and truly fucked up in the colonies.
So the language in England is different from the American English and again another language to the Australian version-----oh, and the New Zealanders just changed all of the vowels around to confuse the shit out of everyone.

Well if you are going to learn a language, you can get these little conversion books which will help you with phrases and hopefully phonetic pronunciations----and then you can go onto dictionaries-----now your gonna get confused----one word, three different spellings and twelve different meanings---and then the multiples and the tenses and Jebus, how does anyone learn it.
And then you go from one English speaking country to another and the meaning changes.

But really it is easy
A little Pig is a Piglet---right, you've got that---OK
So a little Ass is -----come on, its easy----Asset-----well, maybe not that easy
Lets try Dog---a little dog---well actually its Doggie but don't ask the girl at the pet shop for one and dogging it in Australia means that you aren't trying but in America it means that you are performing sexual act with strangers in public.

OK, lets try Cat----well a cat is a feline, a pussy, oh hang on, well a pussy is a cat but then again it can be female anatomy----oh, and a cat can be short for Catamite---and that's a guy who plays with his own gender but he doesn't pitch or catch----no, not baseball----oh, lets leave it there.

Oh, Fanny----OK, that's a girls name---well colloquially in Australia it's a vagina, but watch out in America because its a booty-----no, nothing to do with little boots---ah, shit this is confusing.
What ?, you've torn your dictionary now----OK, no worries, I've got some Durex---oh, you had better watch that one ----in Australia Durex is sticky tape--oh, the Americans call that cello tape---but in England, Durex is a French letter----ah shit, lets just try sign language or I'll convert to yours.

Look, if you really want to get a good grip on this language, you should try to do the crosswords in the daily paper-----OK
What---10 down---mild ejaculation----well, an ejaculation is---well look it up in your dictionary---(geez, whats a mild one---you don't pop the wax out of your ears---you don't need too many tissues for the clean up )-----oh, it means that too---OK, so work out mild from there

Oh, and next time I'm in Singapore, for the sake of $6.25, I'm gonna order one of those, just to see what I get.

Wednesday, 9 September 2009


Today's daily paper Crossword
28 Across

Sexual acts between people too closely related-----
Six letters and the third letter is "C"

Exciting---no, one too many letters
Taboo----of course not, there is no C
Uncle---no, only five letters and a silly answer
Dirty---no C again and only five letters
Threesome---well, they didn't mention how many

Well OK, what is too closely related ?
Now there is no Mother, Father, Son, Daughter----that is nasty----I don't care if you say that the family that plays together stays together---that is not on---no, no, not never, no.
And get past the grandfather stuff---too old, too nasty

But from there, where is your relationship
Your Aunt is only your Aunt because she married your Mothers brother----so there is no blood for you----but you could piss your uncle off
Your cousins----well they do share the half blood of you so it's probably not a great idea (and all of my good looking female cousins were a fair bit older)

OK, so we are at second cousins---geez, where is the relationship---how are they blood related to you-----do you know them----could you meet them on a night out and not know til they mention Great Aunt Mary.

What is closely related ?

Hey, not that I want to go there but it was a question in my crossword---
And there is the British Royals----a bit of cross pollination going on there---look at those ears.
Italians are still into marrying cousins (Geez, Church of Rome)
Small remote tribes---well you have to bonk someone.
We have a saying in Australia----pointed at one little island State----"Well, if he's not good enough for his own family, he's not good enough for ours"

Ah, your sister's best friend is fair game

What a stupid clue
Now 11 Across-----Skin irritation

Thursday, 3 September 2009


You may have realised before that I am not a great fan of the Catholic Church interfering with marriages and giving advice on the hows, whys, whens and wheres of sex.
Their greatest weapon over the centuries has been guilt and the number of unwanted children brought into this world because of their edicts on contraception and abortion, could populate a small country.

But NOW---now they are trying a new one.
Now I reckon this one is trying to get you to think of GOD more often (more often than never in my case)
I haven't heard of it before or anywhere else before, so it might not be a new ruling of the Papal Father----ooh, I know the jargon---not bad for a lapsed Presbyterian.

The Catholic Church in Britain has said that good Catholics should pray before sex---OK, well I'm used to begging, but praying ----and why the Brits
Do they figure that the Brits are having more sex than saying prayers---geez, I don't know what the deal is.
And what would the prayer be----what are you going to say ?
I'm thinking that it could be something like saying grace---"May we be thankful for what we are about to receive"

OK, it's got me beaten as to what the church could be thinking about but I for one congratulate the Catholics and would like to see this edict come to my country.
Why ?
Hey, anything that can get a good Catholic girl down on her knees has to be a good thing.

Oh, and thank you Michelle---I think I stole the photo from you