Ok guys, this is like when the tampon adverts come on TV---time to get a beer and take a slash cos this is a bit girlified.
A friend, a talented blog mistress who shall remain annonymous (Uber, you witch) has said that I should write about the life of Clyde---nothing like the life of Brian.
Not too many bloggers let you in to their lives but what the fuck, I'll let you in---I have nothing to hide.
Oh, you can ask questions
Why Clyde---easy question----I have this fascination with Scotland---my mother was born there--on the banks of the river Clyde---I'm going there sometime soon.
By the sea----again easy----I live 100 yards from a beautiful southern Australian beach----how peaceful is it walking on a beach every day----come and try it.
So you are really a guy then Clyde----hey, I was born with the right bits and you put pussy in front of me and I'll be up and around.
So your not gay then Clyde----shit man, I'm not homophobic but I'm not Catholic (the priest and little boy thing)---so like I said---show me the pussy.
So how old are you Clyde-----as old as your fantasy wants me to be but lets say 30 was a few years back-----vanity-----oh shit yes---some of these young readers like Keshi Fanny and Anne might not read here again.
So are you married Clyde----Not any more----I did try it once---I've told you a few things about her----like she stayed on the pill while sending me off for fertility tests----dont tell her, but I enjoyed the wank-----she was alcoholic and violent---unfaithful and abusive---jealous and obsessive-----she took everything that I had and lost me most of my friends.
So you hate her then Clyde----never----how can you hate what you once loved---I hate what she did to me but how could I hate her----I pitty her for the way she deals with life-----she now no longer drinks and still phones me for help----and I do what I can.
So are you in love now Clyde-----yep, I love life----not sure that mine is the life that I want to live but I keep trying.
So you're not getting laid then Clyde-----well actually yes---I have two great friends (fuck buddies---great description) but I have to admit that I would rather be in a one on one relationship.
Ok, so do you have kids then Clyde------unfortunately not----my ex wife had a daughter from a previous marriage and didnt want any more----forgot to tell me that bit-----did I tell you that I was victim 3-----she had been married twice before---na--she forgot to tell me that bit til after we got married.
So family Clyde-----sorry, I have none----my only brother never married and died early----another one of those stupid males who wouldnt have a regular check up and his cancer was too far advanced-----parents both gone, so thats it.
So lonely then Clyde------guess you have never had a labrador dog
So you have the regular health checks then-----yep, around my birthday each year and thats today------especilly for colon cancer----thats what got my brother and my father had it twice----big chance for me.
Affraid your going to die Clyde-----shit no---everyone is gonna do that----wouldnt mind some advance notice-----but I'm ready
So who gets the loot--not the ex wife------oh shit no----I have three lifelong friends in the world-------one is like a daughter to me---no I have never and yes I love her dearly---cant believe I'm a male equivalent of a brides maid for her wedding----another my pub friend---she is a great mate and her husband doesnt give a stuff about their relationship-----and one a mate since we were 7 years old.----but its for his kids who I love.-----they call me uncle---but I'm the cool uncle.
So job Clyde----yep, I've got one----I work in the legal area and I love it----criminal law
So are you in love with any bloggers-------shit man, this is a fantasy world---off course I'm in love with them, but haven't you noticed that they are from all over the world----but aren't all of these ladies beautiful
So Clyde, are you going to answer their questions-----of course---what do I have to hide-----but I doubt any one wants to know
So did I make any spelling mistakes-----shit yes, but they wont care--oh, except Fanny ----shes a word Nazi and Uber----did you spell her name right
So you're not going to check this then----shit man, the bottle is empty---bloody champagne-----Clyde, are you a poofter with this champagne shit---no way--pussy is the go----ok-----bloody Uber
Oh, is that you on your beach Clyde-----be fucking real----I'm not gonna wear a tie on the beach and he doesnt have a dog----man, he doesnt even have a champagne glass
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Ok guys, this is like when the tampon adverts come on TV---time to get a beer and take a slash cos this is a bit girlified.
Posted by Clyde at 8:47 pm
Friday, 18 April 2008
Jebus, I said I wouldn't post very often but now two in two days.---Prolific, that's the word.
But when the local newspaper gives you blog fodder, you just have to share.
There it is in the paper---there is a shortage of sperm donors for local fertility clinics. This has occured since it became standard practice to identify the donors---yep, who wants to be indentified as a wanker.
You have to love this bit---The clinical director said that they now only had a "handful" of donors.-----yes Mr / Ms Director, that's how they do it.
Now they are forced to tell women to bring their own----what next--a BYO sperm bank.
Here is the big worry---"The director is concerned that women who cannot find a donor, could source sperm in other ways and inseminate themselves"----heaven forbid, they are gonna go out and get a root-----geez, is that radical.
Now come on folks, this isn't funny
There are single women out there who dont want to part the knees to allow access to a spitting meat sausage but would love to be inseminated via a turkey baster.---hey, its their choice. And who can blame them when you know that once that snake is out from behind the zipper, it wants a dip in every orifice of the female form.
And there are married couples out there and the guy's taddies are doing backstroke so they need a bit of a hand----there it is---hand again.
So here's the deal.
All of you blokes who like to give the snake a bit of a vigorous shake and are siphoning your taddies down the dunny drain or wiping them off on your mother's curtains, why dont you go down to the wanking room of the local fertility clinic and deposit a little donation in the provided cup.
Now I dont have any experience here but I'm sure that they provide you with a selection of appropriate magazines or maybe a film or two (No, not Lassie comes home, you pervert).
I don't think that the nurse will give you a hand, but you can always ask---if you get a yes to that, please let me know.
So get out there and wank for the good of the world. Your Mother will be proud.
Oh, you dont try to hit the cup on the table---hold it close and drain the last drop.
I think they actually pay you to wank.
If you really think that it's a sin, put the fee in the plate on Sunday---dont get it confused---wank in the cup, money in the plate
Girls---if you dont want to swallow, maybe you could dash down to the bank and spit in the cup.
PS:--Just a thought---maybe when you give blood, they can have a little milking machine thingy and take a little milky donation----geez, that could raise your blood pressure
Posted by Clyde at 2:36 pm
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Ok, so I've told you about the medicinal values of semen and now there seems to be a bit of a run on it at the tap.
Once informed, every female health freak wants to drink from the fountain of youth or bathe in the milk of the asp--(geez, do I really have to explain--ok---asp---small snake as in one eyed trouser snake---remember Cleopatra)
Now the guys are starting to complain because they have to keep up the supplies and performance is being demanded on an unprecedented level.
Guys, there is some very good news for you in this deal.
The male hormone that keeps all of your tackle in good working order and gives you a good lift is called Testosterone. Now that's no news to anyone and they are always talking about testosterone levels in teenagers and athletes.
Here is the good bit. If you keep on pumping----that's having a root or wanking or that lovely lady of yours sips from the straw, you will keep your testosterone level up to a reasonable degree.
Big fucking deal you say---well you should say that too.
Because an elevated testosterone level ensures that you dont suffer from brittle bones in later life and that your memory level is enhanced.
Bullshit you say---well sorry, it has been proven---so keep on rooting and not only will you be able to remember when you had your last root, you wont break your leg in the dismount.
Now I am not sure if there is actually any testosterone in semen but I would assume so. So guys, just to be the genltlemen that we know you are, make sure at some stage you deposit a full blast or at least some residue on your lady's breasticles.
Ok, you can read up on this bit---testosterone or a man made derivitive of testosterone is commonly used in the treatment of breast cancer.
See---you only did it for her own good
God, I feel like Dr Phil
Posted by Clyde at 9:20 pm
Friday, 11 April 2008
My parents were very big on sex education
About the time that I started to sprout a few pubes, my father walked into my bedroom, threw this little book on my bed and said "here, you had better read this".
Now I know what you're thinking---cool father, giving his son his first taste of porn or at least a titty book----well, sorry--but it was a little book on the human body. Ok, it did have drawings of some girlie bits but nothing I hadn't seen before playing pants down doctors and nurses with the girl next door.
No girls in my family, so was I surprised when she dropped her pants and there was no dick and she assured me that she could pee though that thing even without a straw.
And bugger me if she doesnt get to the age of sprouting a pube or two and having a bit of swelling in the chest area and she doesnt want to play pants down any more.
Now this is where girls confused me---four years later she wanted to show me her tits and take her own pants down---you never know what they want.
Anyway, I got off the track
So I've read the little book and dear old Dad asks if I have any questions---obviously it was a rhetorical question because he was out of there before I could speak.
Now next comes this family health book the size of the Australian Constitution with an instruction of "you can look through this"
Well, there it was--MASTURBATION
You may well think that this was an instruction manual on how to do it but no, no, no. There it was, chapter and verse on the evils of self operating your own organ.
If I do this I'm going to hell. I'm gonna grow hair on the palms of my hands. Every one will know because of the big black circles under my eyes and I'm gonna go blind.
Well that put me off for a few months but there was some sort of comfort in playing with it when it reared up for no known reason----and there was this talk at school about ear popping experiences and how good it made them feel.
So being a fairly rational sort of kid, I worked out that I could probably do it a little bit and no one will notice the hairs on my palms and I could wear glasses like other kids at school.
Now some of the lads had said something about rubbing it raw---that worried me---but a couple of the smarter masturbators had been lubricating with vaseline or some skin cream and that seemed like the go.
Well, my father used to do some leather work so he had some vaseline down in the shed. Dad was out walking the dog and Mum was cooking dinner so into the shed I went to give this thing a go.
I dont know what I was expecting but about 20 strokes into it, I started to wonder what all the fuss was all about---maybe I wasnt doing it fast enough or maybe it was pull only and you had to let go between strokes----all of these thought were racing though my mind when, fuck me, it went off in my hand.
Jebus, I'll swear that my ears popped and I went weak at the knees and this stuff just spurted out and then kept on oozing
It was exciting yet frightenning but I had joined the successful masturbators club.
So when they say that you will continue to revisit your youth, I have to agree.
But dont call me a wanker, I'm just an owner operator
Now a bit of information for the ladies.
You will find claims that it assists in the ---
Relief of Arthritis
Fat Transportation in the body
Improvement of memory
And maintaining the health of hair and skin.
What you need to know now is that semen is more than 80% Lecethin
Posted by Clyde at 9:34 pm
Thursday, 3 April 2008
Ok, I'm gonna finish this story---or at least try to clarify it.
Alright, I told you that I did have a read of the worlds best selling book---No not Harry Fucking Potter, the Bible you fucking heathens.
Now it was fucking confusing---book after book--(it is divided into fucking books you ignorant arseholes)---so where was I---Yep, ok---book after book seemed to be at odds with another book
Now this didn't happen with J K Rowling ---her books just flowed---so do my stick books.
So lets have a little look at it
So the son of GOD was born to some chick who was married to a carpenter but she was a virgin----geez, he must have been busy---not even time to knock up the missus on the wedding night-----yep, we are gonna believe that.
Oh, historians have found that Joseph, who didnt get a root in this case, had been married before and had a few kids---and him and Mary had a few more kids, before and after---so dont pity this dude---he got his end in eventually.
Geez, what a great little puller at the local---my Mum is the mother of the son of God---I'm a half prick relation to the son of God----now theres a winner with the girls----I reckon I could even get a root with that story.
Ok lets get into the the big gathering feeding----normally the big BBQ---but this Jebus bloke fed the multitude (thats lots of people) with a few loaves and fishes---shit, they must have all been on the Jenny Craig and eating fuck all.
Now here's one for Wolf Blass-(bloody top Australian wine maker you ignorant bastards)---this Jebus bloke turned the water into wine at some dinner-----geez Wolf, that will save you growing grapes---just get this bloke to turn the tap on.
Ok, now we have this bloke Moses
So he wanders up onto a mountain in bushfire season, past a burning bush and then wanders on down and tells everyone that they SHALT NOT----and it was that they shalt not enjoy everything that they had been doing-----
Me thinks that Moses wasnt getting a root off the neighbours wife so he was gonna get it banned in the name of God----go big Mo---we will believe----personally Mo, she is 84 and I dont really want to try her on.
So Mo, we really want to know about this parting the of sea bit----there's a few escapees who would like to learn this trick and a few ferry operators hope you dont come back with JC
Alright, we are gonna talk about the come back kid.
There are so many "Christian Religions" who each have their own interpretations on the BOOK but they all have this commonality of the great great JC is gonna make a comeback
Ok, the biggest premature ejaculators are the "Black Suits"----yes the Mormons--yes it is basically a Christian religion with a big interpretation by one Joseph Smith of some "Golden Plates"(similar to Mo's tablets) in the 1820s-----
Now these dudes made a declaration of a return date in the 1950/60s and said he was coming to Salt Lake City.
So all of these poor bastards, all over the world, sold up and moved to said city and built a big landing area AND----the cunt did not turn up----guess they were wrong but they will keep on trying and are selling lots of Amway
The rest of them havent been game to name a date---smart people---you dont want to be as big a dick as the Mormons but lets be prepareded and do the right things.
They all want to be the chosen ones.
Ok, Catholics---well actually Roman Catholics---church of Rome---priests never been married but give great experienced advice on marriage and sex--(must be with choir boys)
Now you Anglicans, your religion is Catholisism---but an English interpretation because the church of Rome didnt want Henry VIII killing off all of those wives.
The Methodist Church was surely only formed to allow for the non drinking Catholics.
The Lutherans after some German interpretation of Christianity obviously designed to take over the world---because the Germans try
Presbyterians, now thats the church of Scotland, so I'm guessing that was formed to allow sex with small woolly animals.
Jehovas Witnesses---mostly disenchanted Roman Catholics who wanted to use a condom.
Chritadelphians--strange little masturbators who will find you a wife if you join the club.
Now they all believe that they are the chose ones and that they will be there at the second coming.
I dont want to be around if the Chritadelphians are right----they believe that they will spring from their graves----there is gonna be some aweful ugly sights---
OK---I'm all finished---as one very talented Irish comedian said---MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU
Oh---the champagne---well I drank it to write this shite
Hope you are right
Posted by Clyde at 9:33 pm