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Thursday, 3 April 2008

CHAMPAGNE AND YOUR GOD

Ok, I'm gonna finish this story---or at least try to clarify it.

Alright, I told you that I did have a read of the worlds best selling book---No not Harry Fucking Potter, the Bible you fucking heathens.
Now it was fucking confusing---book after book--(it is divided into fucking books you ignorant arseholes)---so where was I---Yep, ok---book after book seemed to be at odds with another book
Now this didn't happen with J K Rowling ---her books just flowed---so do my stick books.
So lets have a little look at it
So the son of GOD was born to some chick who was married to a carpenter but she was a virgin----geez, he must have been busy---not even time to knock up the missus on the wedding night-----yep, we are gonna believe that.
Oh, historians have found that Joseph, who didnt get a root in this case, had been married before and had a few kids---and him and Mary had a few more kids, before and after---so dont pity this dude---he got his end in eventually.
Geez, what a great little puller at the local---my Mum is the mother of the son of God---I'm a half prick relation to the son of God----now theres a winner with the girls----I reckon I could even get a root with that story.

Ok lets get into the the big gathering feeding----normally the big BBQ---but this Jebus bloke fed the multitude (thats lots of people) with a few loaves and fishes---shit, they must have all been on the Jenny Craig and eating fuck all.
Now here's one for Wolf Blass-(bloody top Australian wine maker you ignorant bastards)---this Jebus bloke turned the water into wine at some dinner-----geez Wolf, that will save you growing grapes---just get this bloke to turn the tap on.
Ok, now we have this bloke Moses
So he wanders up onto a mountain in bushfire season, past a burning bush and then wanders on down and tells everyone that they SHALT NOT----and it was that they shalt not enjoy everything that they had been doing-----
Me thinks that Moses wasnt getting a root off the neighbours wife so he was gonna get it banned in the name of God----go big Mo---we will believe----personally Mo, she is 84 and I dont really want to try her on.
So Mo, we really want to know about this parting the of sea bit----there's a few escapees who would like to learn this trick and a few ferry operators hope you dont come back with JC

Alright, we are gonna talk about the come back kid.
There are so many "Christian Religions" who each have their own interpretations on the BOOK but they all have this commonality of the great great JC is gonna make a comeback
Ok, the biggest premature ejaculators are the "Black Suits"----yes the Mormons--yes it is basically a Christian religion with a big interpretation by one Joseph Smith of some "Golden Plates"(similar to Mo's tablets) in the 1820s-----
Now these dudes made a declaration of a return date in the 1950/60s and said he was coming to Salt Lake City.
So all of these poor bastards, all over the world, sold up and moved to said city and built a big landing area AND----the cunt did not turn up----guess they were wrong but they will keep on trying and are selling lots of Amway
The rest of them havent been game to name a date---smart people---you dont want to be as big a dick as the Mormons but lets be prepareded and do the right things.
They all want to be the chosen ones.
Ok, Catholics---well actually Roman Catholics---church of Rome---priests never been married but give great experienced advice on marriage and sex--(must be with choir boys)
Now you Anglicans, your religion is Catholisism---but an English interpretation because the church of Rome didnt want Henry VIII killing off all of those wives.
The Methodist Church was surely only formed to allow for the non drinking Catholics.
The Lutherans after some German interpretation of Christianity obviously designed to take over the world---because the Germans try
Presbyterians, now thats the church of Scotland, so I'm guessing that was formed to allow sex with small woolly animals.
Jehovas Witnesses---mostly disenchanted Roman Catholics who wanted to use a condom.
Chritadelphians--strange little masturbators who will find you a wife if you join the club.
Now they all believe that they are the chose ones and that they will be there at the second coming.
I dont want to be around if the Chritadelphians are right----they believe that they will spring from their graves----there is gonna be some aweful ugly sights---

OK---I'm all finished---as one very talented Irish comedian said---MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU

Oh---the champagne---well I drank it to write this shite

Hope you are right

Amen

16 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

I have always wondered about that- if Jesus is the son of God how can he also be the son of Mary and Joseph?
or was Joseph duped ?
Great bible study- but I suspect you are going to get your head blown off by some overzealous bible basher.

Clyde said...

Uber
You dont think I've offended anyone, do you.
If Joseph believed that virgin birth bit, no wonder he ended up in a stable with a bare Ass

Bag said...

I'm sure that you have offended about 99% of the planet with this but look on the bright side most over 98.99% will not do much more than think about it and whine. The remainder will consider sending an EMail but will be unable to work out how to do it. Very few will actually comment as they wont want to deal with infidels and out of the rest Uber won't say anything too bad coz she seems to like you.

Look on the plus side. If things do go pear shaped you can expect police protection for the rest of your life whilst you right your book on the right to defend your religion. You will be quids in.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

*Ahem*

Yeah...about your post..ooo...how do I put this delicately?


Well, guess there's not easy way to say this.

I am totally and COMPLETELY offended.

Why?

You didn't offer me any damn champagne.

;)

Clyde said...

Bag
Me thinks that you exaggerate sir.
If you take into account Buddhists, Atheists, Agnostics and a multitude of American goat fucking cults, I doubt that I have offended more than 50% of the world. Add in the Calvinists who dont have access to the net, Wiccans, and Hindus and I'm in a large majority.
As long as I keep, my cow and a goat in the back yard, I dont think I need police protection.

Stacy
There is always champagne in the fridge and the door is always open.
I have the good cheeses, so just bring the strawberries

Steph said...

Pssht! Religion. Just give me the champers.

Clyde said...

Steph
Just the champers?
No cheese, no strawberries and no sinning

UBERMOUTH said...

Well sinnce you asked..if you ARE NOT OFFENDING THE MASSES, YOU AREN'T BLOGGING PROPERLY!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

clyde...What the hell! I come back from vacay and read your ideas on religion and then you tell me you drank up all the fucking champagne! excuse me for surrendering to profanity, but you are so going to go to hell for that. Share babes.

Dude...I thought it was Larry...MO and Curley that came down the mountainwith a screen play.

I loved your post...it rocks.

ciao babes.

Clyde said...

Spiky Z
I think it could be a religious experience drinking champagne with you. After we had got throgh you confessions we could see how many of the BIG 10 we could break
Like I said to Stacy, there is always champagne in the fridge--right next to the Sav Blanc and the beer and the door is always open

Deborah said...

I love love LOVE the way you write. I didn't feel like much of a loser when I read this 'cause I understood the stuff you were talking about ie. the Bible being comprised of a bunch of books and Wolf Blass.
I'm trying to read the Bible, but I still have much more to read and I gotta say-there's some pretty freaky shizz in there.
I would write more, but my internets a bitch and likes to disappear on me.
WRITE ON!

Clyde said...

Deborah
Hi, I've been over to your place a read and commented.---thanks for the visit.
Hey, it's a very popular book---worlds best seller.
But it is a hard read and and it is harder to read it as non fiction when one book after another gives a different interpretation on similar suposed facts.
And then "Christian" religion after "Christian" religion gives a different interpretation to suit their own agendas.
People in the US are much more the believers with a modernisation of the "facts" and a greater variety of interpretations giving rise to a number of hybrid "Christian" religions.
But when these sects involve followers giving up their free will, giving up their participation in the 21st century, living in communes, worshipping some leader, or having sex with children or a multitude of parners, all in the name of religion, then there is something drastically wrong.
Now not that I am against having sex with multiple partners. Do with your body what you wish, but dont do it for the sake of an interpretation on a religion---do it because you want to and you enjoy it.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

clyde...bring out the Sav Blanc as well. I'll party with you. I am a light weight though. So fill my glass every 15 minutes till I pass out...then every half hour after that. hehehe.

Clyde said...

Spiky Z
Done deal
I'll even get the cheese varieties out

Fanny F said...

Not the cheese! Since Steph's post about dick cheese I haven't been able to even look at a block of cheese.

Champers and a copy of "God is not Great" for me.

Clyde said...

Fanny
From a little read at your place, I think its champers and a rabbit