CHAMPAGNE AND YOUR GOD

Ok, I'm gonna finish this story---or at least try to clarify it.

Alright, I told you that I did have a read of the worlds best selling book---No not Harry Fucking Potter, the Bible you fucking heathens.
Now it was fucking confusing---book after book--(it is divided into fucking books you ignorant arseholes)---so where was I---Yep, ok---book after book seemed to be at odds with another book
Now this didn't happen with J K Rowling ---her books just flowed---so do my stick books.
So lets have a little look at it
So the son of GOD was born to some chick who was married to a carpenter but she was a virgin----geez, he must have been busy---not even time to knock up the missus on the wedding night-----yep, we are gonna believe that.
Oh, historians have found that Joseph, who didnt get a root in this case, had been married before and had a few kids---and him and Mary had a few more kids, before and after---so dont pity this dude---he got his end in eventually.
Geez, what a great little puller at the local---my Mum is the mother of the son of God---I'm a half prick relation to the son of God----now theres a winner with the girls----I reckon I could even get a root with that story.

Ok lets get into the the big gathering feeding----normally the big BBQ---but this Jebus bloke fed the multitude (thats lots of people) with a few loaves and fishes---shit, they must have all been on the Jenny Craig and eating fuck all.
Now here's one for Wolf Blass-(bloody top Australian wine maker you ignorant bastards)---this Jebus bloke turned the water into wine at some dinner-----geez Wolf, that will save you growing grapes---just get this bloke to turn the tap on.
Ok, now we have this bloke Moses
So he wanders up onto a mountain in bushfire season, past a burning bush and then wanders on down and tells everyone that they SHALT NOT----and it was that they shalt not enjoy everything that they had been doing-----
Me thinks that Moses wasnt getting a root off the neighbours wife so he was gonna get it banned in the name of God----go big Mo---we will believe----personally Mo, she is 84 and I dont really want to try her on.
So Mo, we really want to know about this parting the of sea bit----there's a few escapees who would like to learn this trick and a few ferry operators hope you dont come back with JC

Alright, we are gonna talk about the come back kid.
There are so many "Christian Religions" who each have their own interpretations on the BOOK but they all have this commonality of the great great JC is gonna make a comeback
Ok, the biggest premature ejaculators are the "Black Suits"----yes the Mormons--yes it is basically a Christian religion with a big interpretation by one Joseph Smith of some "Golden Plates"(similar to Mo's tablets) in the 1820s-----
Now these dudes made a declaration of a return date in the 1950/60s and said he was coming to Salt Lake City.
So all of these poor bastards, all over the world, sold up and moved to said city and built a big landing area AND----the cunt did not turn up----guess they were wrong but they will keep on trying and are selling lots of Amway
The rest of them havent been game to name a date---smart people---you dont want to be as big a dick as the Mormons but lets be prepareded and do the right things.
They all want to be the chosen ones.
Ok, Catholics---well actually Roman Catholics---church of Rome---priests never been married but give great experienced advice on marriage and sex--(must be with choir boys)
Now you Anglicans, your religion is Catholisism---but an English interpretation because the church of Rome didnt want Henry VIII killing off all of those wives.
The Methodist Church was surely only formed to allow for the non drinking Catholics.
The Lutherans after some German interpretation of Christianity obviously designed to take over the world---because the Germans try
Presbyterians, now thats the church of Scotland, so I'm guessing that was formed to allow sex with small woolly animals.
Jehovas Witnesses---mostly disenchanted Roman Catholics who wanted to use a condom.
Chritadelphians--strange little masturbators who will find you a wife if you join the club.
Now they all believe that they are the chose ones and that they will be there at the second coming.
I dont want to be around if the Chritadelphians are right----they believe that they will spring from their graves----there is gonna be some aweful ugly sights---

OK---I'm all finished---as one very talented Irish comedian said---MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU

Oh---the champagne---well I drank it to write this shite

Hope you are right

Amen