WHO IS CLYDE

Ok guys, this is like when the tampon adverts come on TV---time to get a beer and take a slash cos this is a bit girlified.
A friend, a talented blog mistress who shall remain annonymous (Uber, you witch) has said that I should write about the life of Clyde---nothing like the life of Brian.
Not too many bloggers let you in to their lives but what the fuck, I'll let you in---I have nothing to hide.

Oh, you can ask questions

Why Clyde---easy question----I have this fascination with Scotland---my mother was born there--on the banks of the river Clyde---I'm going there sometime soon.

By the sea----again easy----I live 100 yards from a beautiful southern Australian beach----how peaceful is it walking on a beach every day----come and try it.

So you are really a guy then Clyde----hey, I was born with the right bits and you put pussy in front of me and I'll be up and around.

So your not gay then Clyde----shit man, I'm not homophobic but I'm not Catholic (the priest and little boy thing)---so like I said---show me the pussy.

So how old are you Clyde-----as old as your fantasy wants me to be but lets say 30 was a few years back-----vanity-----oh shit yes---some of these young readers like Keshi Fanny and Anne might not read here again.

So are you married Clyde----Not any more----I did try it once---I've told you a few things about her----like she stayed on the pill while sending me off for fertility tests----dont tell her, but I enjoyed the wank-----she was alcoholic and violent---unfaithful and abusive---jealous and obsessive-----she took everything that I had and lost me most of my friends.

So you hate her then Clyde----never----how can you hate what you once loved---I hate what she did to me but how could I hate her----I pitty her for the way she deals with life-----she now no longer drinks and still phones me for help----and I do what I can.

So are you in love now Clyde-----yep, I love life----not sure that mine is the life that I want to live but I keep trying.

So you're not getting laid then Clyde-----well actually yes---I have two great friends (fuck buddies---great description) but I have to admit that I would rather be in a one on one relationship.

Ok, so do you have kids then Clyde------unfortunately not----my ex wife had a daughter from a previous marriage and didnt want any more----forgot to tell me that bit-----did I tell you that I was victim 3-----she had been married twice before---na--she forgot to tell me that bit til after we got married.

So family Clyde-----sorry, I have none----my only brother never married and died early----another one of those stupid males who wouldnt have a regular check up and his cancer was too far advanced-----parents both gone, so thats it.

So lonely then Clyde------guess you have never had a labrador dog

So you have the regular health checks then-----yep, around my birthday each year and thats today------especilly for colon cancer----thats what got my brother and my father had it twice----big chance for me.

Affraid your going to die Clyde-----shit no---everyone is gonna do that----wouldnt mind some advance notice-----but I'm ready

So who gets the loot--not the ex wife------oh shit no----I have three lifelong friends in the world-------one is like a daughter to me---no I have never and yes I love her dearly---cant believe I'm a male equivalent of a brides maid for her wedding----another my pub friend---she is a great mate and her husband doesnt give a stuff about their relationship-----and one a mate since we were 7 years old.----but its for his kids who I love.-----they call me uncle---but I'm the cool uncle.

So job Clyde----yep, I've got one----I work in the legal area and I love it----criminal law

So are you in love with any bloggers-------shit man, this is a fantasy world---off course I'm in love with them, but haven't you noticed that they are from all over the world----but aren't all of these ladies beautiful

So Clyde, are you going to answer their questions-----of course---what do I have to hide-----but I doubt any one wants to know

So did I make any spelling mistakes-----shit yes, but they wont care--oh, except Fanny ----shes a word Nazi and Uber----did you spell her name right
So you're not going to check this then----shit man, the bottle is empty---bloody champagne-----Clyde, are you a poofter with this champagne shit---no way--pussy is the go----ok-----bloody Uber

Oh, is that you on your beach Clyde-----be fucking real----I'm not gonna wear a tie on the beach and he doesnt have a dog----man, he doesnt even have a champagne glass