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Wednesday, 23 April 2008

WHO IS CLYDE

Ok guys, this is like when the tampon adverts come on TV---time to get a beer and take a slash cos this is a bit girlified.
A friend, a talented blog mistress who shall remain annonymous (Uber, you witch) has said that I should write about the life of Clyde---nothing like the life of Brian.
Not too many bloggers let you in to their lives but what the fuck, I'll let you in---I have nothing to hide.

Oh, you can ask questions

Why Clyde---easy question----I have this fascination with Scotland---my mother was born there--on the banks of the river Clyde---I'm going there sometime soon.

By the sea----again easy----I live 100 yards from a beautiful southern Australian beach----how peaceful is it walking on a beach every day----come and try it.

So you are really a guy then Clyde----hey, I was born with the right bits and you put pussy in front of me and I'll be up and around.

So your not gay then Clyde----shit man, I'm not homophobic but I'm not Catholic (the priest and little boy thing)---so like I said---show me the pussy.

So how old are you Clyde-----as old as your fantasy wants me to be but lets say 30 was a few years back-----vanity-----oh shit yes---some of these young readers like Keshi Fanny and Anne might not read here again.

So are you married Clyde----Not any more----I did try it once---I've told you a few things about her----like she stayed on the pill while sending me off for fertility tests----dont tell her, but I enjoyed the wank-----she was alcoholic and violent---unfaithful and abusive---jealous and obsessive-----she took everything that I had and lost me most of my friends.

So you hate her then Clyde----never----how can you hate what you once loved---I hate what she did to me but how could I hate her----I pitty her for the way she deals with life-----she now no longer drinks and still phones me for help----and I do what I can.

So are you in love now Clyde-----yep, I love life----not sure that mine is the life that I want to live but I keep trying.

So you're not getting laid then Clyde-----well actually yes---I have two great friends (fuck buddies---great description) but I have to admit that I would rather be in a one on one relationship.

Ok, so do you have kids then Clyde------unfortunately not----my ex wife had a daughter from a previous marriage and didnt want any more----forgot to tell me that bit-----did I tell you that I was victim 3-----she had been married twice before---na--she forgot to tell me that bit til after we got married.

So family Clyde-----sorry, I have none----my only brother never married and died early----another one of those stupid males who wouldnt have a regular check up and his cancer was too far advanced-----parents both gone, so thats it.

So lonely then Clyde------guess you have never had a labrador dog

So you have the regular health checks then-----yep, around my birthday each year and thats today------especilly for colon cancer----thats what got my brother and my father had it twice----big chance for me.

Affraid your going to die Clyde-----shit no---everyone is gonna do that----wouldnt mind some advance notice-----but I'm ready

So who gets the loot--not the ex wife------oh shit no----I have three lifelong friends in the world-------one is like a daughter to me---no I have never and yes I love her dearly---cant believe I'm a male equivalent of a brides maid for her wedding----another my pub friend---she is a great mate and her husband doesnt give a stuff about their relationship-----and one a mate since we were 7 years old.----but its for his kids who I love.-----they call me uncle---but I'm the cool uncle.

So job Clyde----yep, I've got one----I work in the legal area and I love it----criminal law

So are you in love with any bloggers-------shit man, this is a fantasy world---off course I'm in love with them, but haven't you noticed that they are from all over the world----but aren't all of these ladies beautiful

So Clyde, are you going to answer their questions-----of course---what do I have to hide-----but I doubt any one wants to know

So did I make any spelling mistakes-----shit yes, but they wont care--oh, except Fanny ----shes a word Nazi and Uber----did you spell her name right
So you're not going to check this then----shit man, the bottle is empty---bloody champagne-----Clyde, are you a poofter with this champagne shit---no way--pussy is the go----ok-----bloody Uber

Oh, is that you on your beach Clyde-----be fucking real----I'm not gonna wear a tie on the beach and he doesnt have a dog----man, he doesnt even have a champagne glass

42 comments:

ann said...

I believe your life is what you make of it. I always smile everyday and try to have a positive attitude. I have also been through alot of shit and do not take any shit either. You seem like a great guy and I am so glad you chose to show us a little bit about you!!

Clyde said...

Ann
I just have to be honest in my life.
If people dont like me, that is not my problem
I think I like me now
Oh, and I like you in your thong or commando and your approach to life
Enjoy being you

ann said...

You are a sweet guy!!! My questions for you:Do you have any pets? What is your shoe size?? Are you bald? Do you watch chick flicks? Boxers or briefs? How many fingers am I holding up? Have a fabulous day Clyde!

Clyde said...

Ann
I have a beautiful Labrador girl who walks my beach with me----3 towells when we get home. A horse--harness racing horse--Robbie who keeps me broke.
Bald,---no but very close cropped thining hair
Chick ficks---shit yes---of course.
Shoe size----naughty girl---big feet big dick---big enough for you.----10 Australian size
Briefs for work, boxers to sleep in---you have to support the boys.
Fingers---that was two----and you had been using them--good girl
Sweet dreams

Coconut said...

Haha, I was going to write "Thanks for sharing!" but then I thought that sounded too much like a supposrt group...well, I guess blogging is somewhat like a supposrt group.

Bag said...

Happy Birthday Clyde. You sound like a good guy. If I ever visit Oz I'll visit and have a walk on the beach. If you have the time when you visit the UK get in touch and we can have some drinkies. Although we can't compete on drinking as being from Oz you have a genetic advantage.

Good luck in finding love. It's never too late.

Fanny F said...

Happy Birthday Clyde! Mwwwaahhh!! long one ... ooh just a bit longer.

You are quite a SNAG.. people who are comfortable with themselves, like you, are much more attractive I think!

I am even more intrigued about you now, but I get to ask questions ..goody:

Do you like to cook?Do you like to dance?What's on your bedside table? Do you mind if I fantasise about you?

Yes I'm a spelling Nazi, thanks for noticing, and am the wrong side of 35, but feel like I'm 20, and glad I am not.

Clyde said...

Coco
Thanks for the supposrt, what ever it is (twice )----
I think blog world is a little like family----some nice people but there are some strange ones---especially Uncle Fester sitting in the corner playing with himself.

Bag
Come on down---the beach is great and there is room for all---and the house is big enough for visitors.
Now I think you are a little misinformed about Aussie drinkers--we might like a stubbie or two or three, but sitting in a UK pub supping (is that the word) pints, seems to be a national passtime
Geez, watch out---I might take you up on that visit when I come to the UK

Fanny
How did I know that you would ask a question or two.
Yes, I cook---Roasts, stirfry, home made soup, pasta, love my crockpot (slow cooker), like a lot of vegetables and of course the BBQ is always set up on the big back verandah.
Dance---not well but I like to slow dance, in the house on the beach--cos you are allowed to hold on
On the bedside table--boring--tissues, a lamp, a small bear given to me by a special lady, remote control for TV and video.
In the top drawer---three varieties of condoms, cool, warming and strawberry lubricants.
Fantasise---please do, I already do about you
Now tell me, whick is the wrong side of 35 ?

Keshi said...

Clyde mate d u know I got all teary reading this? I swear. Fuck u made me cry!

*HUGZ*

U r a beautiful person, u just hv no idea!



**as old as your fantasy wants me to be but lets say 30 was a few years back

Well ur not too old for me then hehehe ;-). Nah I'll never stop visiting ya unless ofcourse u ask me to.


Im sorry to hear abt ur bro and both ur parents. It must be tough. I can only imagine.


and hey HAPPY BIRTHDAY MWAH!


U've got a friend here..so u never alone ok. U seem to be such a great guy to hang out with.


TC and happy Anzac weekend!

Keshi.

Clyde said...

Keshi
You are a sweetheart but I'm just living a lfe depending on circumstances----just like you.
I would never ask anyone not to read or visit---I publish so its out there.
The hardest thing about my brother was that both my parents were alive and I had to be strong for them---at least I dont have to arrange another funeral--I've done mine.
Hope you have a great weekend

And all I have to say now is---
I got kisses from Keshi, I got kisses from Keshi

Keshi said...

Clyde ur so like me..the way u look at Life.I think we've both has similar n harsh experiences.


**at least I dont have to arrange another funeral--I've done mine.

*HUGZ* u'll live longer than u think u'll do.

TC man and yes all I can say rite now is 'Clyde liked my kisses Clyde liked my kisses Clyde liked my kisses!'

:)

Keshi.

Keshi said...

**both HAD similar..

Keshi.

Clyde said...

Keshi
I'm no word Nazi----I read it as how you thought you wrote it.

I think there is a cold beer waiting for me at a bar overlooking a marina
Enjoy your night

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"she took everything that I had and lost me most of my friends"

She sounds JUST like The PK's ex. I am So glad The PK's daughter is now of age so we don't have to deal with the ex anymore. The stories I could tell about that two-faced...well, nevermind.

And I'm right there with you about the dog thing....no matter where I go or how I end up, as long as I can have my dog(s) with me, I will never be alone and lonely. :)

As far as age goes, it's just a number....and I have ALWAYS found that I'd rather have an older man with some experience "under his belt" (pun intended) who can please me once the way I want to be pleased instead of a young buck who can do it all night long but not do it RIGHT for me, you get me? ;)

Damn...I talk too much. ;)

Anyway, I'm on the VERY backside of thirty...so I may even be older than you. Late thirties isn't so bad though...I like myself better now than I did in my twenties anyway.

Now for my questions...

1. Name your favorite book.

2. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

3. Do you ever walk around on the beach nekkid?

;)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

clude...your shoe size is 10? Oh hey...I onced went out with a guy who said he had a 12 incher. Wha-hey, the guy had to fuck me twice to give me twelve inches. I can't believe I fell for that line.

I loved your post babes. It rocked. I like you Clyde. You are so cool.

Clyde is it your birthday? I didn't get you anything, um...you did say you loved pussy right and your shoes size is 10...right? :D

ciao babes

Clyde said...

Stacy
My ex didnt like dogs but bought me a pup for my birthday---one of the nice things she did----but then hid the dog from me and kept her in the break up.
Of course he later played the love card and had me paying vet bills.

Ok, Fav book of recent times is Billy by Pamela Stephenson---the real life story of comedian Billy Connolly.
From a kid and even now my ambition has been to be liked by other people and help people
Naked on the beach---it is a suburban beach so no I havent wandered around but yes, of course I have been skinny dipping many times.
I have on occasions been naked or semi naked with a young lady or two for outdoor activities

Clyde said...

Spiky Z
OOOHEEE, I almost felt the loving there.
Ok, so if I tell you that my shoe size is size 5, then I get it twice ?-----
Ah, I'll have to stick with the ten and keep turning you over

Kali said...

Ha ha I love this! I like criminal law, you make me laugh and I have a labrador too... I think we're gonna get along just fine!
:)

Clyde said...

Kali
Well bring your labby down and they can play together on the beach.
There is a local chippy kiosk just off the beach and my big girl like a treat of a crab stick

Spiky Zora Jones said...

clyde...you better stick to the 10...and turning over is fine...as long as I am purring afterwards. hehehe

Have a fab weekend babes.

UBERMOUTH said...

First of all LMAO@ Spikey's 'Clude' hahaha
I am so glad that you did this piece , but was saddened to hear that:
1/ Your wife duped such a loving and soulful man as yourself

and
2/
NO mention of either being in love with ME or ME in your will.

I know most people would not say such a hting but I am forthright and honest.
Now my question......
What's your dogs name ?
:)

Clyde said...

Uber
I've left you out of the will for now until we get it together---then I'll get mine mixed up with yours and I'm not sure who will come out in front.
The big snoring pooch is called Clyde's Dog---ha
No, her name is Jess
And yes, I will probably take her to the vet before I take you to the doctor

UBERMOUTH said...

My Mother would so LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you!

Clyde said...

Uber
Mothers usually do
It's the daughters I have to work on
And I do so like my work

-eve- said...

I do feel that our experiences make us what we are... I'm glad to have read this post; gives a different impression of you (for one, your age! You have nothing to worry about; you don't sound old at all, and anyway, like Stacy said, for guys, it only gets better as you get older - assuming you get wise and better at everything you do, that is ;-))

UBERMOUTH said...

I just noticed bag's comments and invite to the UK and yours to him. I love all this homo erotica.
Happy birthday CLYDE!!!!! I didn't realize it was! Are you an Aries? I love Aries men!

Fanny F said...

I should have said the more experienced side of 35 I guess.

And I forgot to ask: do you have warm hands?

Clyde said...

Eve
You are going to learn that age has nothing to do with maturity or with being old.
You are only old if you want to be and you are only mature if you learn by your life experiences.
Oh, and I'm still getting better at a lot of things I do

Uber
I'm glad that you love Aries men--pity that I'm a Tauras
Yep, nothing like a bit of homo erotica---and I am homo sapien--and boys will be boys and get together and have a drink and talk about you girls.

Fanny
Yep, I'm well and truly on that more experienced side.
And yes, I always have warm hands.
All the better to fondle a warm body

Keshi said...

Hope ur enjoying ur wknd Clyde!

Keshi.

Clyde said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Clyde said...

Keshi
Of course I'm enjoying my weekend.
After all, I have seen some new photos of a lovely young lady

Pri said...

belated birthday wishes!! :)

interesting self introduction i muss say...
it reflects a positive attitude inspite of all the odds in life...

keep up the spirit!!
take care

Keshi said...

aww tnxx! :)

Keshi.

Clyde said...

Pri
Hi---most bloggers are real mysteries---people started to ask questions so I thought I would fix them all at once.
Life is just something you are living---get on with it and do the best you can
Have no regrets

ann said...

Happy belated Birthday. I think I love Aries men too.

Clyde said...

Ann
Lucky Aries men---everyone loves them.
Pity I'm a Tauras

ann said...

oops, I meant Taurus.....

Catherine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Catherine said...

Happy Birthday Clyde - It is so rare to get a look at the real people behind the blogs - Nicely done - I think I want a lab - My bullies died last year - perhpas a new breed of dog is in the picture - The beach sounds so wonderful - the ex sounds like my husband, that bit is scary. Cat

Clyde said...

Catherine
I certainly hope my ex wasnt your ex husband or one of us needs an anatomy lesson.
Labbies are beautifuldogs but they dont grow up til they are about 2yo and you will get a lot of dropped hair around your house.
On the east coast of Australia, they are crossing them with spaniels----a smaller dog, a bit more colour and less hair dropping.

UBERMOUTH said...

And now on to the next burning question...'WHERE' is Clyde???

Clyde said...

God Uber, have you lost me again.
You never take care of any of your toys.
I'm on the beach