Tuesday, 30 November 2010


We all dream that our wedding night will be something special.

OK, I suppose it is that little more special for those who have chosen to save themselves for the big night---well, I'm not so sure.
A lot of people don't perform too well under the stress of great expectation and to tell the truth, most guys are bloody hopeless without a road map or an operation manual.
Now I've turned a girl or two over in my life and I have yet to find operating instructions tattooed on their arse.

Now ladies, you can stop that chuckling and stone throwing and think back to your first time---come on, who took charge.
I have to tell you that it is painful when you try to drive that thing like a stick shift and doing the five finger shuffle with a hand full of nuts can bring the evening to a painful screaming halt.

So if it's gonna be your first time, take your time to explore the terrain, ask questions and answer them honestly, nothing is out of bounds if you both agree and no, you can't use Vick's Vaporub (mentholated heated chest rub) as a lubricant.

OK, well my bride and I decided on a fairly cheap wedding and spend the money on a honeymoon and a home deposit.
It was a great decision, especially when I found out that her debts were bigger than my savings---
Anyway, we got married in the front garden of her parents house and had the reception in the back garden---the weather gods were kind and, OK, I even cried--well, what do you expect from a guy when he standing there talking to his mates and he turns around to see the most beautiful vision in white walking towards him---I don't know about the rest of you at your wedding or another, but it was breath taking and she was there for me.

The day was fantastic---well there was one hiccup but really didn't take much gloss off the day.
There was plenty of food, plenty of booze and a great casual atmosphere.
I behaved very well and had little to drink and just enough to eat---I knew that we were heading for the honeymoon suite and that it should be a special night.

I thought that we would be the first to leave but it turned out that we were among the last
We arrived at the motel---the place was rocking---every car in the park had "Just Married" on one window or another---you could smell it in the air---hormones were running amok and we were about to join the action.
OK, I have to be honest here---this was not going to be our first time---although we hadn't lived together, we didn't miss too many nights---and of course, you cant drive home in that condition.
But we were now married---this was our wedding night----SPECIAL

My beautiful bride wanted the bathroom to herself and I heard a few stumbles in there but out she came---well, I nearly cried again--it was like Christmas---my best ever present was there in the best wrapping I had ever seen and I was going to enjoy unwrapping that very slowly.
I started to undress when my beautiful bride said to me---"Honey, I'm hungry, I want a yiros"----she grabbed me and held me tight and said ---"I'm sorry--I didn't eat much but I drank a lot and I really need something to eat"
What is a guy to do---his pants are around his ankles, he is as horny as you can get, but his loving bride is hungry.
I could have gone for a quickie to take the edge off, but this was our wedding night, so up with the pants, kiss the bride, find the car keys and head off to get her food.
I was only gone for 20 minutes---that motel was still rocking---there was a low sound of the moaning of satisfaction---so I dashed up to our room.
And there she was---my beautiful bride, passed out on the bed snoring her head off.

Normally, I wouldn't have tried to wake her but this was our wedding night and she was so hungry---
Well, the result was
Me sitting out on the balcony eating a yiros listening to the sounds of sex from every direction except from my room---it was snoring like a buzz saw.

OK, there was very good morning sex but the wedding night had gone and nothing was said---
There was some good times but overall they are right.
It starts heading down hill after the wedding night----well, it did for me
But I still like a good yiros

(Yiros---Greek marinated lamb with salad and garlic sauce in a wrap)

Sunday, 21 November 2010


OK, let's finish this---I have no idea why I stated---blame the booze.

So I've quit from my first full time job and I'd better get hunting for a new one--I still had in my mind that I wanted something in the Maritime industry and someone suggested the State Government---the Harbours Board---they ran the Ports, the wharfs and jetties throughout the State---so I had to make an application to sit a Public Service entrance examination---I did and it was simple.

I was out with a few friends and we may have got involved in a little underage drinking---we got cornered by a group of fairly large young blokes who were hell bent on fighting us over an altercation the previous night----problem was that it was not me or any of my friends involved, but they didn't want to believe us---
I soon worked out that they were Police Cadets from the local academy and basically told them if they took matter into their own hands, that I would front up at the academy the next day and none of them would have a job----with much grumbling, they backed down.

About a week later I got a message that I had my Public Service job and should report to the Courthouse to start work---Courthouse ?, there is something wrong here so I phoned the writer and was told that you just took a job in the Public Service and looked at the internal notice of vacancies every week til you found the job that you wanted----sounded fair to me so I reported for work at the Courthouse.
Nothing came up in the notice of vacancies in the first year and I had developed an interest in the law.
I had learnt respect for the hard job that the Police did and had found out that the large majority of them were great people----but I had also found out that there was a very small minority who were egotistical and would take short cuts in everything that they did
I had a couple of run ins with a young Police Officer stationed next to the Courthouse--I couldn't work out why until another young officer told me that he was a member of the academy group that I had backed down over 12 months before.

I was just getting out of my car in the courthouse car park when the academy boy yelled out to me--I've got you this time---I just followed and timed you for 2/10ths of a mile in St V street and you were speeding and you are booked---I said, "You have got to be joking--there is no way that I was speeding and there was no Police car following me"---He said "I got you in my own car and you're gone"----I gave him all of my details and went back to work----I wrote everything down from times and places to conversations had.
Two weeks later I got a summons to appear in my own Courthouse to answer the dastardly charges----I could plead guilty in writing and not appear, appear and plead guilty or appear and plead not guilty.

My big day came around and I sat in the Courtroom til my name was called---the Magistrate looked up and before the charge was read he said to me "Clyde, you know that you could have pleaded guilty in writing--if you think that appearing in person in front of me will get you any discount, you are wrong---now read the charge to him". The clerk read the charge and I think everyone in the court was taken back by my not guilty plea.
The Magistrate said "Well, that's a surprise but because we work in the same Courthouse and have had some contact, I cannot hear your trial--but one of the Country Circuit Magistrates will be here tomorrow and I will set it down before him--you will have to take the day off from work and attend here with your solicitor---will your solicitor be able to attend tomorrow ?"----the frown on his face only got worse when I said that I intended to conduct my own trial and would not have a solicitor to represent me.

I had a bit of a chuckle when my trial was called on the next day and half of the court staff and the resident Magistrate were sitting in the back of the court.
I had never met the Circuit Magistrate but he gave me the same speech about no favours just because I worked there then asked the Prosecutor to call his first witness----of course there was only one---Mr narky academy boy Policeman.

Through prompting from the prosecutor, he told the court that he was an experienced patrol officer and had experience in following and timing vehicles and apprehending offenders. He told the court how he had followed and timed me from one point in St V street till I turned off at Com Rd----the Magistrate thanked him and asked if I had any questions of the officer.----of course I did.

"Now officer, you have told the court that you followed and timed me from the N street intersection along St V street til I turned off at Com Rd--is that correct?"----Yes"----" Right, now could you tell the court if you can, did I come from further back on St V street or did I turn onto St V street from N street ?"---Yes, you turned onto St V street from N street"----"Thank you, now could you tell the court what sort of Police car you were driving at the time and if you have certification of the accuracy of the car's speedometer ?"----He glared at me and said "You know that I wasn't driving a Police car--it was my own car and the speedometer is accurate"---The Magistrate looked up but before he could speak, I asked the officer "So officer, do you have a certification of the accuracy of your speedometer?"

The Magistrate stopped me there "Clyde, you know that the officer does not have a certificate of accuracy, but if he is confident of the accuracy, we may have to adjust the speed down a little for penalty---now do you have anything else for this officer ?"
The poor bloody cop had a grin on his face from ear to ear almost laughing at me when I asked him " Well officer, have you ever read the Road Traffic Act?"---He smiled and it was almost a grunt as he said "Yes"----"Well officer under section 49 of the Act, you are required to follow me at a constant speed for 2/10ths of a mile--is that correct?"--"Yes, I know what it says"----"OK, thank you officer so do you know what Section 108 says?"
The Magistrate snapped "Yes Clyde, we all know what it says"---"Well sir, in that case, we all know that you have no discretion in allowing a meter that is not certified to be used in a prosecution".
There was a hush--I could see the Magistrates blood pressure rising---some bloody teenage kid had just questioned him on his decision on the law. I could feel myself starting to sweat but I kept my eyes fixed on him--it was like a little light switched on in his head---his fiery eyes glared at me and he said "Well Clyde, I suppose you know what section 55 of the Criminal Law Consolidation Act says?'---"I think so sir, I think it gives the presiding officer the power of general discretions, but it would not apply here"-----"Oh, you are so wrong Clyde, I can apply it where I think fit----so if you have nothing more for this officer, I think we should move on to any summations"
"Sir, I am reluctant to disagree with you but I do have one more thing of this officer"-----"Officer, you followed and timed me at a constant speed from no further back than N street, because we agree that I turned onto St V street from N street--so in turning I could not have been at the speed you suggest and would have to accelerate to that speed and you timed me from there at a constant speed---is that right ?"---"yes, I have already said that"-----"And officer, you would have to agree that I would have had to slow down to turn off into C road"----"Yes, that's right"
"So officer, how far is it from the N street intersection to the C road turnoff?"---The officer looked at the Magistrate who said "Humour him"---the officer looked back and said "I couldn't be sure"---
I couldn't help but smile when I said to him "Would it surprise you to know that it is less than 2/10ths of a mile from one intersection to the next--so if I was accelerating from one and slowing down at the other and the total distance is not 2/10ths of a mile, how did you follow and time me as you have said---oh, and be aware that I have Local Council measurements in my hand and I have one of your fellow officers outside who has measured it for me---so could you have been mistaken?"
The Magistrate called for my measurements to be handed up---stood the officer down from the witness box and called the other officer from outside---he testified to a measurement very close to the Councils certification---both of which were short of 2/10th of a mile.
The Magistrate dismissed the case but couldn't help but tell be that he could have held me for contempt----"Now Clyde, is there anything else"---"Well yes sir, I had to take a day off to appear here on instructions from one of your brother Magistrates so I would like costs in the amount of my days wage"---before the Magistrate could respond, the Prosecutor agreed to the cost so there was no way that the Magistrate could order otherwise.

I was in the office before going home to celebrate my day off and my victory when I got called into the resident Magistrates chambers----the Circuit Magistrate was there and said to me "Son, you need to show a little more respect to the Court"--I couldn't help myself and said "Sir, I have the utmost respect for the Court and for the Law but I have difficulty in respecting those who place their own interpretations on the law pander to their own ego"
Before the resident Magistrate could come to my defence, the circuit Magistrate laughed and said "Son, you have guts, you have a good knowledge of the law and you will go far if you decide to stay on the right side of the law."

So I never applied for that job in the maritime industry---but I did complete all University Certificate Course in the Administration of Justice
And I still like to go into Court and have a little joust with the lawyers and Magistrates---but only when I know the law and know that I am right
I will treat everyone with the respect that their office deserves as long as they extend me the same courtesy.

And no matter what that Police Officer did, I still believe that the overwhelming majority of Officer do a great job and are fair and honest----I wouldn't want their job.

Saturday, 20 November 2010


I was 17 years old and had flown through my final year of high school---I didn't have to wait for my results, I knew that I had passed every subject and passed them well.
My parents were pointing me towards a University education but I wanted to earn money--I didn't want another 4 or 5 years of a decent degree---I wanted to be out in the world and raking in the big money ---ha, smart kid.
It wasn't that I didn't know where I wanted to work but as to what I wanted to do, that was another thing.
My maternal grandfather was an engineer in the ship building industry in Scotland, my paternal great grandfather was a master mariner---owning and mastering ships that traded along the coast of Australia and my paternal grandfather was a wharf and jetty builder for all of the Ports of this state.
I was born and lived all of my life on a peninsular with magnificent beaches but great views of our deep water port on one side and an ocean fed river and inner port on the other side.
I was always on boats---I just loved shipping--it was a passion---and I was going to work in some sort of marine industry---which one, I had no idea---but one of them.

My parents insisted that if I wasn't going to University to study, that I should be working as soon as possible---and they instilled into me that if I could.t find the job that I really wanted, I should take a job to earn my way and get some experience---seemed fair to me so I applied for seven jobs--none of them in my chosen field but all not far from home.
I got seven call backs / interviews---good deal, it was easy. Six of them were an absolute coast and I was happy that I had done well but the seventh one was strange---they had aptitude tests, psychological tests and mathematical tests--well, it was in an accounting area.
I turned up for my testing thinking that it would be one on one with an interviewer but there I was in a classroom situation with eleven other people---test booklets were handed out, the clock ticked over and we had a maximum of three hours to complete all testing. About an hour in I had finished and sat there staring into oblivion--the testing officer came to me and asked what was wrong---I told him that I was finished---he looked at me and said "I doubt that---very few people can finish these tests in the three hours allowed, so you have done something drastically wrong--maybe you should take the time to look through them again"
Now that panicked me and I started all over again going through one test after another --it took as long as doing the tests but not long after the two hour point I was sitting there looking at the interviewer---he came to me and I told him I had checked everything and was happy with my work---he took my tests and escorted me from the room and told me that I had done something drastically wrong and that I really shouldn't expect to hear from them again----and I didn't think I would.

I decided which of the jobs I wanted---it was with a nation wide airline and could hold my interest for a while.
I got replies from the original six interviews, five of them offering me a job and of course, the airline said I'd finished second so they couldn't offer me a job right then.
The next day I heard from the the seventh--they wanted me to come in and talk about my testing.
I was sure that I stuffed up---well, the interviewer told me---but I thought that I might as well find out where I went wrong.
I turned up for an interview with the managing director of this major electronics company, expecting to be told that I was stupid----he started of by saying that he couldn't offer me the accounting job--even though I had aced the mathematical testing, the aptitude testing said that my abilities should be used elsewhere---I stood up, shook his hand and thanked him but he stopped me---no Clyde, we wont give you this job but what we want to offer you is a cadetship in Electrical Engineering--we will pay you to go to University and you will work with our engineers here and interstate---you will be fast tracked and from what your testing reveals, you should have a 5 year degree in 3 years.
Now that stopped me in my tracks---I had refused my parents pleas to go to University because I wanted money and here I was being offered the only cadetship in Australia and being paid a full wage to go to University.
It was a lot to think about and I asked for a few days to make a decision.

Two days later I had made up my mind.
I had methodically gone through the pros and cons of every job on offer to me and I had made my decision for the best of reasons.

Ten days later I started work with a British based insurance company.
Why ?
Well the receptionist had a great pair of tits.
Hey, I was 17 years old---and what do 17 year old boys think about.

Turned out that she was 26 and hated younger guys

A week after I started, the Airline contacted me and offered me the job---but I chose to stay---
I only lasted 3 months---it was not challenging in the least and those tits just weren't worth it---I quit and went in search of a job in shipping.

Next time

Thursday, 11 November 2010


I married into a family who all seemed to suffer from the same flaw---basic stupidity.
But that is in my past and I am well out of it.
Well, I have been divorced for some years but I still get phone calls from various members of the family looking for some sort of assistance with their problems.
It was egotistical of me to think that I am smarter or more logical than them but they keep feeding my ego by phoning me.

My ex sister in law phoned me to see if I could do anything to help her husband (my ex wife's brother). He had been arrested and charged with larceny (stealing) and with a previous indiscretion, had been told by his lawyer that he would probably go to gaol.
OK, I do not have a law degree but have worked in the law all of my life---I do know a fair bit about the laws of my state.
I really didn't want to get involved but I always liked my ex sister in law and they do have a young family----so I told her to get my ex brother in law to phone me.

Of course, straight away, he thought I could use some sort of favour or leverage to get him out of his predicament----told you that they weren't too bright.
His story was that he had taken two shock absorbers from a car on the side of the road and had been caught by a police patrol staking out the car.
OK, that's all pretty simple---he did it---he's guilty---and that's what he thought and that's what his lawyer thought----simple, she is a public defender--free lawyer--and she will help him explain his circumstances to the court and try for the best sentence.
So G, tell me about this car---was this the first time you had seen it---did you have tools with you or did you break the pieces off it ?
"No Clyde, the car was almost a shell---been dumped on it's roof on the side of the road---I had ridden past it for four days going to and from work and only stopped to look on the fourth day---went home, got tools, went back and got the shockers---the cops came from nowhere and grabbed me."
OK, so what did the cops tell you---"They told me it was a stolen car and that I was stealing from it and I was going to be charged---and I wasn't the first one that they had caught."
So G, you saw the car there for four days, who did you think had dumped it there--
"Clyde, I thought the owner had stripped it and dumped it---all of the ID plates were gone so no one could trace the owner"
OK, so when are you due in court---"Tomorrow"
Alright, I will see you there.

I met G at the court and wanted to see his lawyer----she was in the courtroom representing another six people ---she would see him just before his case was called on----G, this is the first time you have been to court on this---"No, I've been twice before, pleaded guilty and I am getting sentenced today"---Shit G, you could have told me that before--I can see this all going wrong but wait here, I'll be back and don't go into court without me.
Knowing a few people in the court office, I got access to a computer, looked up a form, filled it in and printed it off, went back to G and got him to sign it---typical, he signed it and then asked what it was for.
Well G, you are going to sack your lawyer and you are going to seek the leave of the court to have me as a McKenzie Friend---an unqualified friend to speak on your behalf----G is dumb and very trusting, so he decided to go with the flow but sacked why sack the lawyer----well mate, I can't trust her to do what I need her to do--and by the way, you are not guilty of any offence in this case.
The lawyer, being very busy in court or not really caring, did not come outside to speak to G before his matter was called on for hearing----I had to urge him to talk to the Magistrate and to hand up his signed McKenzie Friend notice----the Magistrate was not impressed, asked G if he understood what he was doing and released to lawyer from the case.

The Magistrate was less impressed when I made an application to withdraw the guilty plea and plead not guilty----he insisted that any change of circumstances and admissible facts be presented to the Court before he would even think about allowing a change of plea.

Well your honor, the elements of the offence of larceny include that the offender knew that he had no right to take the goods, that he took the goods without permission of the owner, that he meant to permanently deprive the owner of the goods, and that the offender knew that the goods were owned by another person-----the problem with this case is that the car was dumped on the side of the road, had been there for four days and that my friend thought that the owner had dumped it there and relinquished all rights to it---he thought that the goods had no owner---so you cannot knowingly steal something which you believe does not have an owner or that the owner has relinquished all rights of ownership..

The magistrate allowed the change of plea and set the matter down for a trial.

Two weeks later my G received a letter from the prosecutions branch that the matter had been withdrawn and that the matter would be dismissed in court on the trial date.
Just to make sure that there were no loose ends, we had the matter called on in court later that week and it was dismissed.

I knew what my result would be---within a week, my ex in laws didn't want to know me again----but of course, they will call when they need me---and I can decide if I should help----I'm getting less inclined.
The one thing I didn't tell G or any of his family was that we could have applied for costs against the prosecution and got his four days of lost wages paid---but just for completeness, I did tell the prosecutor -----he roared with laughter and he did tell the public defender lawyer, who actually learned a lesson on the law.