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Monday, 27 December 2010

NO MORE CRAP

OK, this could be offensive to a few people, but basically, GET OVER IT.

In the past two years I have received regular emails warning me that the Muslims are taking over the world
They have ranged from warnings that "they are breeding more children" to "it is the fastest growing religion in the world" and "they are taking over countries by stealth"

If you can read this, you have access to the Internet, so go and read some truths and get over this scare mongering shit that all seems to be emanating from one country.

From the wording of most of these uninformed warnings, it is obvious that a lot of people read some fairly scandalous articles, totally lacking in credible fact, published in the Readers Digest----ooops, should I say that---oh well.

OK, all of the reports and warnings used to say Muslim Fundamentalists but now it suddenly becomes the Muslim religion.
Fundamentalists----what the hell are Muslim fundamentalists-----well fundamentally they are Muslims.
That's like saying Catholics, Seven Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Orthodox Churches are fundamentally Christians----but so are half of the murders and rapists in gaol throughout the world.
So these terrorists happen to be Muslims---it is an enormous leap to say that every Muslim is a terrorist.

But all of these emails and reports seem to want to make us suspicious of everyone who happens to belong to this faith.
And if they don't want to mention the Muslim religion, they say "men of an Arabic appearance"---- Great disguise guys, but you really need to know that a lot of people of Arabic appearance are Christians.

OK, here are some facts for you----look them up----some of these emails have used these facts but they leave little bits out.

There HAS bean an increase of 235% in the number of Muslims in the world---that's a fact---the bit they miss out is that this has been in the past 50 years---and that is directly linked to the birth rate in 3rd world countries where Islam is the dominant faith---they are not going for the 1.5 children per family and also don't have 25 digital channels on their TV.

Islam is the fastest growing faith in France. Yes, that right, but mainly because of immigration---but also the truth is that only 5% of the entire population of Europe are Muslim.

Islam is in 204 of the worlds 238 countries but Christianity is in all 238

In the United States and Australia, the fastest growing religion is Buddhism---so we had better watch out for those guys in robes sounding those noisy gongs---they could bring our countries down.

In the entire world the fastest growing religions are Baha'i with a 2.28% growth and the Zoroastrians with a 2.65% growth---and no, Zoroastrians don't ride black horses and wear masks.

If the people in the USA really think that they are taking over, look in your own back yards---in your population you have 2% Jews but only 1.4% Muslims----I would be more frightened of the power of the Scientologists or those freaky people in Utah who are still waiting for the second coming 50 years after their prophet said he was coming to Salt Lake City.

That Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world is pure myth at best and at worst a deliberate deception of solid statistical facts.

Stop fueling these myths and forwarding on these emails---reply and tell the senders to check their facts---well, go on--Google it

Maybe you will be a little more tolerant and a little less scared

Saturday, 25 December 2010

I DON'T CARE

I don't care if you are Christian or follow any other faith.
I don't care if you don't have a faith to follow.

I don't care what colour your skin is
I don't care if you are young or old, tall or short, male or female.

So I guess that is you---and I have a message for you

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May we all have peace and joy.

Oh, and if you tell me when your special day is, I can celebrate that with you.

Oh, and I love you

Saturday, 18 December 2010

NAUGHTY & NICE

Every year I do my naughty and nice lists just like Santa.
But I work it the other way around--geez, maybe I could do a deal with Santa on the lists.
So anyone who has been real naughty, I send a Christmas card and an invitation---and those that have been nice all of the year, well, they get a quick email.
I really do like the naughty girls
Well, at least those who might want to be naughty.

Now where was I going with this---bloody wine---oh, yes, I've got it now
I knew that I had something to say.

So every year, I am the first person to send out the Christmas cards and every year I get the same number back
So I thought---are these people just being kind and sending back card for card.
Are these people really friends---do they actually think about me.

I don't have any immediate family and really only keep in touch with one cousin and one second cousin---the rest of the list are "friends"---some of whom, I only hear from once or twice a year.

So this year I am that guy---only sending back cards as I receive them---and then, knowing when the last deliveries will be, sending out cards to all of those on my list to say at least I thought of you.

It is a great time of the year to remember all of your family---even like me---all of those who are no longer with us.
Remember that you will regret---I'll guarantee this---you will regret not being there for any of your family when you no longer can be.
So be there for them now.
Forgive them for any indiscretions
Send them love and joy
It will cost you little but you will gain plenty.

I am lucky this year because my best mate is here from interstate and I will have lunch with him and his family----but the afternoon I will spend on the beach with my dog and remember my family.

Much love to you all

Saturday, 11 December 2010

NEVER TOO OLD ?



It is funny that when you are 16 / 17 / 18 / (insert other here )and you have become sexually active (your having it), you think that sex is the domain of the young and you are going to get what you can.

(Sorry, I forgot the Catholics----when you are 32 and have left your mothers house)

Well, young guys are trying to get all that they can and tell all of their mates how well they are doing (liars)--and young girls, petrified by the first experience, are trying to fight off the young blokes and telling their friends that they haven't done it yet.

The one thing that you never want to think about is your parents having sex---no no no, not never no.
But if you look at it, your parents were mid 30s to 40s when you joined this sexual revolution, so there is little doubt that they were comfortably shagging at home in bed when your spotty arse was bobbing up and down in the back of a car.

And worse than that, your grandparents were in their 50s to 60s and they were probably plonking their teeth in a glass alongside the bed and fumbling around under the sheets---granny may have even been giving grandpa a gummy, oh no, not oh shit, that is sick.

But the older you get, you realise that life didn't stop in your teens, twenties or thirties.

An article published this week in the local statewide paper, said that research has shown that one third of Australian men aged between 75 and 95 are still active between the sheets.
Now I'm only guess that they had a partner, because it didn't make that clear, but 95---oooohhhheeee, there is plenty to look forward to.
A further survey of 3274 men found that the frequency might not be there in the 70s, 80s and 90s but there was activity---about half of those sexually active were satisfied with the frequency---so I'm guessing the other half were getting a knock back here and there.

I showed the article to a friend of mine who is the nursing director of a local nursing home. She laughed and said that I would not believe the sexual activity that goes on in nursing homes.
And the best news that she gave me was that the women out number the men by three to one in most nursing homes.

So if you think that your age group is doing better than any other, then maybe you should think again
And if you are thinking that your sex life is coming to an end, maybe think again---well, unless you are 104

And if you are a teenager, yes, your parents are, your grandparents probably are and great grandad is a stud down at the nusing home.

Of course, if you are Catholic--it started at 32 and its all over by 42, so you'll just have to do for yourself and go to confession

Saturday, 4 December 2010

WARNING

WARNING---NAKED PHOTOS MAY OFFEND

It has been the coldest, wettest and windiest spring that I can remember.

Usually by November we are looking at mild sunny days with the occasional day of rain and wind----but this year it has been the other way around.
Eastern Australia is still having storms and floods.

But suddenly it's December and in Central Australia Summer has just appeared---and with summer the warnings have started.
Wear a hat
Wear sunglasses
Wear lightweight clothes with long sleeves.
Wear sunscreen
And make sure with children and those adults who cannot apply it to themselves, that you assist in the application of sunscreen



Now that is all good and well but there are times when you really don't want to assist people to apply sunscreen.

Of course there are those sun worshipers who just cant help themselves---and as soon as the sun is out, they want to lay out in the sun to get a tan.

Some people are lucky to have a pigmented skin and don't tan or burn as quickly as those with a pale skin---but they do burn.
A friend of mine has red hair and very fair skin and seems to break out in freckles before she starts to tan.
Personally, I am not going to lay out in the sun to bake and change my skin tone.

And of course the skin cancer warnings are out there again.
Check your spots, check your moles and if anything has a drastic change of colour or size, go and get it checked.

But I have one more warning for all of the guys.

If you are at the beach or near a pool or anywhere where there is a "young lady" sun baking---and you don't know her----and she asks you if you would mind rubbing some sunscreen into her exposed body parts----THINK----use your big brain, not that little one hidden away in your board shorts---THINK---
Do I know this girl ?
Would my partner like me doing this ?
Why would this girl want my hands on her body?

THINK----BE WARNED

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

WEDDING NIGHT



We all dream that our wedding night will be something special.

OK, I suppose it is that little more special for those who have chosen to save themselves for the big night---well, I'm not so sure.
A lot of people don't perform too well under the stress of great expectation and to tell the truth, most guys are bloody hopeless without a road map or an operation manual.
Now I've turned a girl or two over in my life and I have yet to find operating instructions tattooed on their arse.

Now ladies, you can stop that chuckling and stone throwing and think back to your first time---come on, who took charge.
I have to tell you that it is painful when you try to drive that thing like a stick shift and doing the five finger shuffle with a hand full of nuts can bring the evening to a painful screaming halt.

So if it's gonna be your first time, take your time to explore the terrain, ask questions and answer them honestly, nothing is out of bounds if you both agree and no, you can't use Vick's Vaporub (mentholated heated chest rub) as a lubricant.

OK, well my bride and I decided on a fairly cheap wedding and spend the money on a honeymoon and a home deposit.
It was a great decision, especially when I found out that her debts were bigger than my savings---
Anyway, we got married in the front garden of her parents house and had the reception in the back garden---the weather gods were kind and, OK, I even cried--well, what do you expect from a guy when he standing there talking to his mates and he turns around to see the most beautiful vision in white walking towards him---I don't know about the rest of you at your wedding or another, but it was breath taking and she was there for me.

The day was fantastic---well there was one hiccup but really didn't take much gloss off the day.
There was plenty of food, plenty of booze and a great casual atmosphere.
I behaved very well and had little to drink and just enough to eat---I knew that we were heading for the honeymoon suite and that it should be a special night.

I thought that we would be the first to leave but it turned out that we were among the last
We arrived at the motel---the place was rocking---every car in the park had "Just Married" on one window or another---you could smell it in the air---hormones were running amok and we were about to join the action.
OK, I have to be honest here---this was not going to be our first time---although we hadn't lived together, we didn't miss too many nights---and of course, you cant drive home in that condition.
But we were now married---this was our wedding night----SPECIAL

My beautiful bride wanted the bathroom to herself and I heard a few stumbles in there but out she came---well, I nearly cried again--it was like Christmas---my best ever present was there in the best wrapping I had ever seen and I was going to enjoy unwrapping that very slowly.
I started to undress when my beautiful bride said to me---"Honey, I'm hungry, I want a yiros"----she grabbed me and held me tight and said ---"I'm sorry--I didn't eat much but I drank a lot and I really need something to eat"
What is a guy to do---his pants are around his ankles, he is as horny as you can get, but his loving bride is hungry.
I could have gone for a quickie to take the edge off, but this was our wedding night, so up with the pants, kiss the bride, find the car keys and head off to get her food.
I was only gone for 20 minutes---that motel was still rocking---there was a low sound of the moaning of satisfaction---so I dashed up to our room.
And there she was---my beautiful bride, passed out on the bed snoring her head off.

Normally, I wouldn't have tried to wake her but this was our wedding night and she was so hungry---
Well, the result was
Me sitting out on the balcony eating a yiros listening to the sounds of sex from every direction except from my room---it was snoring like a buzz saw.

OK, there was very good morning sex but the wedding night had gone and nothing was said---
There was some good times but overall they are right.
It starts heading down hill after the wedding night----well, it did for me
But I still like a good yiros

(Yiros---Greek marinated lamb with salad and garlic sauce in a wrap)

Sunday, 21 November 2010

DESTINY 2

OK, let's finish this---I have no idea why I stated---blame the booze.

So I've quit from my first full time job and I'd better get hunting for a new one--I still had in my mind that I wanted something in the Maritime industry and someone suggested the State Government---the Harbours Board---they ran the Ports, the wharfs and jetties throughout the State---so I had to make an application to sit a Public Service entrance examination---I did and it was simple.

I was out with a few friends and we may have got involved in a little underage drinking---we got cornered by a group of fairly large young blokes who were hell bent on fighting us over an altercation the previous night----problem was that it was not me or any of my friends involved, but they didn't want to believe us---
I soon worked out that they were Police Cadets from the local academy and basically told them if they took matter into their own hands, that I would front up at the academy the next day and none of them would have a job----with much grumbling, they backed down.

About a week later I got a message that I had my Public Service job and should report to the Courthouse to start work---Courthouse ?, there is something wrong here so I phoned the writer and was told that you just took a job in the Public Service and looked at the internal notice of vacancies every week til you found the job that you wanted----sounded fair to me so I reported for work at the Courthouse.
Nothing came up in the notice of vacancies in the first year and I had developed an interest in the law.
I had learnt respect for the hard job that the Police did and had found out that the large majority of them were great people----but I had also found out that there was a very small minority who were egotistical and would take short cuts in everything that they did
I had a couple of run ins with a young Police Officer stationed next to the Courthouse--I couldn't work out why until another young officer told me that he was a member of the academy group that I had backed down over 12 months before.

I was just getting out of my car in the courthouse car park when the academy boy yelled out to me--I've got you this time---I just followed and timed you for 2/10ths of a mile in St V street and you were speeding and you are booked---I said, "You have got to be joking--there is no way that I was speeding and there was no Police car following me"---He said "I got you in my own car and you're gone"----I gave him all of my details and went back to work----I wrote everything down from times and places to conversations had.
Two weeks later I got a summons to appear in my own Courthouse to answer the dastardly charges----I could plead guilty in writing and not appear, appear and plead guilty or appear and plead not guilty.

My big day came around and I sat in the Courtroom til my name was called---the Magistrate looked up and before the charge was read he said to me "Clyde, you know that you could have pleaded guilty in writing--if you think that appearing in person in front of me will get you any discount, you are wrong---now read the charge to him". The clerk read the charge and I think everyone in the court was taken back by my not guilty plea.
The Magistrate said "Well, that's a surprise but because we work in the same Courthouse and have had some contact, I cannot hear your trial--but one of the Country Circuit Magistrates will be here tomorrow and I will set it down before him--you will have to take the day off from work and attend here with your solicitor---will your solicitor be able to attend tomorrow ?"----the frown on his face only got worse when I said that I intended to conduct my own trial and would not have a solicitor to represent me.

I had a bit of a chuckle when my trial was called on the next day and half of the court staff and the resident Magistrate were sitting in the back of the court.
I had never met the Circuit Magistrate but he gave me the same speech about no favours just because I worked there then asked the Prosecutor to call his first witness----of course there was only one---Mr narky academy boy Policeman.

Through prompting from the prosecutor, he told the court that he was an experienced patrol officer and had experience in following and timing vehicles and apprehending offenders. He told the court how he had followed and timed me from one point in St V street till I turned off at Com Rd----the Magistrate thanked him and asked if I had any questions of the officer.----of course I did.

"Now officer, you have told the court that you followed and timed me from the N street intersection along St V street til I turned off at Com Rd--is that correct?"----Yes"----" Right, now could you tell the court if you can, did I come from further back on St V street or did I turn onto St V street from N street ?"---Yes, you turned onto St V street from N street"----"Thank you, now could you tell the court what sort of Police car you were driving at the time and if you have certification of the accuracy of the car's speedometer ?"----He glared at me and said "You know that I wasn't driving a Police car--it was my own car and the speedometer is accurate"---The Magistrate looked up but before he could speak, I asked the officer "So officer, do you have a certification of the accuracy of your speedometer?"

The Magistrate stopped me there "Clyde, you know that the officer does not have a certificate of accuracy, but if he is confident of the accuracy, we may have to adjust the speed down a little for penalty---now do you have anything else for this officer ?"
The poor bloody cop had a grin on his face from ear to ear almost laughing at me when I asked him " Well officer, have you ever read the Road Traffic Act?"---He smiled and it was almost a grunt as he said "Yes"----"Well officer under section 49 of the Act, you are required to follow me at a constant speed for 2/10ths of a mile--is that correct?"--"Yes, I know what it says"----"OK, thank you officer so do you know what Section 108 says?"
The Magistrate snapped "Yes Clyde, we all know what it says"---"Well sir, in that case, we all know that you have no discretion in allowing a meter that is not certified to be used in a prosecution".
There was a hush--I could see the Magistrates blood pressure rising---some bloody teenage kid had just questioned him on his decision on the law. I could feel myself starting to sweat but I kept my eyes fixed on him--it was like a little light switched on in his head---his fiery eyes glared at me and he said "Well Clyde, I suppose you know what section 55 of the Criminal Law Consolidation Act says?'---"I think so sir, I think it gives the presiding officer the power of general discretions, but it would not apply here"-----"Oh, you are so wrong Clyde, I can apply it where I think fit----so if you have nothing more for this officer, I think we should move on to any summations"
"Sir, I am reluctant to disagree with you but I do have one more thing of this officer"-----"Officer, you followed and timed me at a constant speed from no further back than N street, because we agree that I turned onto St V street from N street--so in turning I could not have been at the speed you suggest and would have to accelerate to that speed and you timed me from there at a constant speed---is that right ?"---"yes, I have already said that"-----"And officer, you would have to agree that I would have had to slow down to turn off into C road"----"Yes, that's right"
"So officer, how far is it from the N street intersection to the C road turnoff?"---The officer looked at the Magistrate who said "Humour him"---the officer looked back and said "I couldn't be sure"---
I couldn't help but smile when I said to him "Would it surprise you to know that it is less than 2/10ths of a mile from one intersection to the next--so if I was accelerating from one and slowing down at the other and the total distance is not 2/10ths of a mile, how did you follow and time me as you have said---oh, and be aware that I have Local Council measurements in my hand and I have one of your fellow officers outside who has measured it for me---so could you have been mistaken?"
The Magistrate called for my measurements to be handed up---stood the officer down from the witness box and called the other officer from outside---he testified to a measurement very close to the Councils certification---both of which were short of 2/10th of a mile.
The Magistrate dismissed the case but couldn't help but tell be that he could have held me for contempt----"Now Clyde, is there anything else"---"Well yes sir, I had to take a day off to appear here on instructions from one of your brother Magistrates so I would like costs in the amount of my days wage"---before the Magistrate could respond, the Prosecutor agreed to the cost so there was no way that the Magistrate could order otherwise.

I was in the office before going home to celebrate my day off and my victory when I got called into the resident Magistrates chambers----the Circuit Magistrate was there and said to me "Son, you need to show a little more respect to the Court"--I couldn't help myself and said "Sir, I have the utmost respect for the Court and for the Law but I have difficulty in respecting those who place their own interpretations on the law pander to their own ego"
Before the resident Magistrate could come to my defence, the circuit Magistrate laughed and said "Son, you have guts, you have a good knowledge of the law and you will go far if you decide to stay on the right side of the law."

So I never applied for that job in the maritime industry---but I did complete all University Certificate Course in the Administration of Justice
And I still like to go into Court and have a little joust with the lawyers and Magistrates---but only when I know the law and know that I am right
I will treat everyone with the respect that their office deserves as long as they extend me the same courtesy.

And no matter what that Police Officer did, I still believe that the overwhelming majority of Officer do a great job and are fair and honest----I wouldn't want their job.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

DESTINY 1

I was 17 years old and had flown through my final year of high school---I didn't have to wait for my results, I knew that I had passed every subject and passed them well.
My parents were pointing me towards a University education but I wanted to earn money--I didn't want another 4 or 5 years of a decent degree---I wanted to be out in the world and raking in the big money ---ha, smart kid.
It wasn't that I didn't know where I wanted to work but as to what I wanted to do, that was another thing.
My maternal grandfather was an engineer in the ship building industry in Scotland, my paternal great grandfather was a master mariner---owning and mastering ships that traded along the coast of Australia and my paternal grandfather was a wharf and jetty builder for all of the Ports of this state.
I was born and lived all of my life on a peninsular with magnificent beaches but great views of our deep water port on one side and an ocean fed river and inner port on the other side.
I was always on boats---I just loved shipping--it was a passion---and I was going to work in some sort of marine industry---which one, I had no idea---but one of them.

My parents insisted that if I wasn't going to University to study, that I should be working as soon as possible---and they instilled into me that if I could.t find the job that I really wanted, I should take a job to earn my way and get some experience---seemed fair to me so I applied for seven jobs--none of them in my chosen field but all not far from home.
I got seven call backs / interviews---good deal, it was easy. Six of them were an absolute coast and I was happy that I had done well but the seventh one was strange---they had aptitude tests, psychological tests and mathematical tests--well, it was in an accounting area.
I turned up for my testing thinking that it would be one on one with an interviewer but there I was in a classroom situation with eleven other people---test booklets were handed out, the clock ticked over and we had a maximum of three hours to complete all testing. About an hour in I had finished and sat there staring into oblivion--the testing officer came to me and asked what was wrong---I told him that I was finished---he looked at me and said "I doubt that---very few people can finish these tests in the three hours allowed, so you have done something drastically wrong--maybe you should take the time to look through them again"
Now that panicked me and I started all over again going through one test after another --it took as long as doing the tests but not long after the two hour point I was sitting there looking at the interviewer---he came to me and I told him I had checked everything and was happy with my work---he took my tests and escorted me from the room and told me that I had done something drastically wrong and that I really shouldn't expect to hear from them again----and I didn't think I would.

I decided which of the jobs I wanted---it was with a nation wide airline and could hold my interest for a while.
I got replies from the original six interviews, five of them offering me a job and of course, the airline said I'd finished second so they couldn't offer me a job right then.
The next day I heard from the the seventh--they wanted me to come in and talk about my testing.
I was sure that I stuffed up---well, the interviewer told me---but I thought that I might as well find out where I went wrong.
I turned up for an interview with the managing director of this major electronics company, expecting to be told that I was stupid----he started of by saying that he couldn't offer me the accounting job--even though I had aced the mathematical testing, the aptitude testing said that my abilities should be used elsewhere---I stood up, shook his hand and thanked him but he stopped me---no Clyde, we wont give you this job but what we want to offer you is a cadetship in Electrical Engineering--we will pay you to go to University and you will work with our engineers here and interstate---you will be fast tracked and from what your testing reveals, you should have a 5 year degree in 3 years.
Now that stopped me in my tracks---I had refused my parents pleas to go to University because I wanted money and here I was being offered the only cadetship in Australia and being paid a full wage to go to University.
It was a lot to think about and I asked for a few days to make a decision.

Two days later I had made up my mind.
I had methodically gone through the pros and cons of every job on offer to me and I had made my decision for the best of reasons.

Ten days later I started work with a British based insurance company.
Why ?
Well the receptionist had a great pair of tits.
Hey, I was 17 years old---and what do 17 year old boys think about.

Turned out that she was 26 and hated younger guys

A week after I started, the Airline contacted me and offered me the job---but I chose to stay---
I only lasted 3 months---it was not challenging in the least and those tits just weren't worth it---I quit and went in search of a job in shipping.

Next time

Thursday, 11 November 2010

ELEMENTS

I married into a family who all seemed to suffer from the same flaw---basic stupidity.
But that is in my past and I am well out of it.
Well, I have been divorced for some years but I still get phone calls from various members of the family looking for some sort of assistance with their problems.
It was egotistical of me to think that I am smarter or more logical than them but they keep feeding my ego by phoning me.

My ex sister in law phoned me to see if I could do anything to help her husband (my ex wife's brother). He had been arrested and charged with larceny (stealing) and with a previous indiscretion, had been told by his lawyer that he would probably go to gaol.
OK, I do not have a law degree but have worked in the law all of my life---I do know a fair bit about the laws of my state.
I really didn't want to get involved but I always liked my ex sister in law and they do have a young family----so I told her to get my ex brother in law to phone me.

Of course, straight away, he thought I could use some sort of favour or leverage to get him out of his predicament----told you that they weren't too bright.
His story was that he had taken two shock absorbers from a car on the side of the road and had been caught by a police patrol staking out the car.
OK, that's all pretty simple---he did it---he's guilty---and that's what he thought and that's what his lawyer thought----simple, she is a public defender--free lawyer--and she will help him explain his circumstances to the court and try for the best sentence.
So G, tell me about this car---was this the first time you had seen it---did you have tools with you or did you break the pieces off it ?
"No Clyde, the car was almost a shell---been dumped on it's roof on the side of the road---I had ridden past it for four days going to and from work and only stopped to look on the fourth day---went home, got tools, went back and got the shockers---the cops came from nowhere and grabbed me."
OK, so what did the cops tell you---"They told me it was a stolen car and that I was stealing from it and I was going to be charged---and I wasn't the first one that they had caught."
So G, you saw the car there for four days, who did you think had dumped it there--
"Clyde, I thought the owner had stripped it and dumped it---all of the ID plates were gone so no one could trace the owner"
OK, so when are you due in court---"Tomorrow"
Alright, I will see you there.

I met G at the court and wanted to see his lawyer----she was in the courtroom representing another six people ---she would see him just before his case was called on----G, this is the first time you have been to court on this---"No, I've been twice before, pleaded guilty and I am getting sentenced today"---Shit G, you could have told me that before--I can see this all going wrong but wait here, I'll be back and don't go into court without me.
Knowing a few people in the court office, I got access to a computer, looked up a form, filled it in and printed it off, went back to G and got him to sign it---typical, he signed it and then asked what it was for.
Well G, you are going to sack your lawyer and you are going to seek the leave of the court to have me as a McKenzie Friend---an unqualified friend to speak on your behalf----G is dumb and very trusting, so he decided to go with the flow but sacked why sack the lawyer----well mate, I can't trust her to do what I need her to do--and by the way, you are not guilty of any offence in this case.
The lawyer, being very busy in court or not really caring, did not come outside to speak to G before his matter was called on for hearing----I had to urge him to talk to the Magistrate and to hand up his signed McKenzie Friend notice----the Magistrate was not impressed, asked G if he understood what he was doing and released to lawyer from the case.

The Magistrate was less impressed when I made an application to withdraw the guilty plea and plead not guilty----he insisted that any change of circumstances and admissible facts be presented to the Court before he would even think about allowing a change of plea.

Well your honor, the elements of the offence of larceny include that the offender knew that he had no right to take the goods, that he took the goods without permission of the owner, that he meant to permanently deprive the owner of the goods, and that the offender knew that the goods were owned by another person-----the problem with this case is that the car was dumped on the side of the road, had been there for four days and that my friend thought that the owner had dumped it there and relinquished all rights to it---he thought that the goods had no owner---so you cannot knowingly steal something which you believe does not have an owner or that the owner has relinquished all rights of ownership..

The magistrate allowed the change of plea and set the matter down for a trial.

Two weeks later my G received a letter from the prosecutions branch that the matter had been withdrawn and that the matter would be dismissed in court on the trial date.
Just to make sure that there were no loose ends, we had the matter called on in court later that week and it was dismissed.

I knew what my result would be---within a week, my ex in laws didn't want to know me again----but of course, they will call when they need me---and I can decide if I should help----I'm getting less inclined.
The one thing I didn't tell G or any of his family was that we could have applied for costs against the prosecution and got his four days of lost wages paid---but just for completeness, I did tell the prosecutor -----he roared with laughter and he did tell the public defender lawyer, who actually learned a lesson on the law.

Monday, 25 October 2010

LADY BY PROFESSION

A few years ago I went to Malaysia to visit a friend of mine who was based there in the Australian Air force.
His Asian wife told him that he should take me on a tour of the "bars".
Now, I'm not naive but this is my mates wife sending us out, so I'm thinking we are out for a night of drinking----but we are in Asia, so yes you are right.

No sooner had we sat down than two girls are sitting at our table and asking us to buy them drinks. I'll buy any lady a drink so of course I bought drinks ----the conversation soon turned to sex and we are being offered everything with a very reasonable (cheap) price tag----we had a good few drinks and I realised that I was alone with this girl---my mate had disappeared with the other girl---married men.
Now I have nothing against the very honourable profession but I will never pay for sex---just something in my head----but I paid my companion, bought her another drink or two and sat there talking to her.
She told me that she got paid a very small amount for each drink that I bought and that she got half of the money that she was paid for sex (so I gave her a few dollars more for herself)----she was from a very poor family and this was the best way that she could make money for her family----her mother had been in the business before her. She introduced me to a very beautiful girl who sat down with us to talk---business was slow----but then she told me that this beauty was her brother.
Brother---no no, sister---no sir he is my brother--"show him"----and he did---he had quite substantial wedding tackle------he told me the same sort of story----that this was the best way he had to support his family----and with a very tidy body, hormone enhanced breasts--he showed me---he was earning a good living giving and taking what he could----and he told me that us Anglo Saxon people enjoy playing with lady boys.---NOT ME BUDDY, but thanks for the show.

My mate convinced his wife that he should take me down to Singapore for a week---and she agreed-----he actually needed to get away for a week because he had an STD from our visit the bars.
On our second night he took me to the Offshore Club---at least he told me that we were going to a place full of lady boys-----I admit that it was a great night and neither of us disappeared to a dark place to be tugged or swallowed by the stars of the show----but I spotted who I thought was my neighbours daughter---I walked over, tapped her on the shoulder and said "Elizabeth, what are you doing here"----the answer was in a very deep voice and after explaining myself, I had a friend for the night-----we left at 5 in the morning and my "Elizabeth" jumped in the cab with us and directed us to the best place for breakfast----her/his name was Marina---we had breakfast with the other lady boys and grabbed a cab back to the hotel---Marina came with us because she lived that way--so I paid the cabby to take her home.
Around midday, we were having breakfast/lunch and Marina turned up---this beautiful woman/man showed us around town--places my mate had never seen and the cheapest shopping ever---I tried to buy her dinner at one of the better hotels but she wouldn't come in because her sister worked there----her story was the same as those in Malaysia---this was the best way he/she could earn money to support his/her family---but he made sure that his sister followed another life. We wanted to eat there so without embarrassment to my new friend, I paid him/her for a great time, with no sex---wished her/him good luck and it was over.
Marina did tell me that they were called Shims and there was a yearly competition to find the Queen of the Shims---the winner received the option of an all expenses paid sex change operation in Denmark----ooh, what a prize---you have just won having your dick chopped off---be still my heart.

Well here I am in Asia, so my mate drove me up and across the Thailand border----no sooner are we in our hotel and the lift/elevator driver is offering us everything from his 16 year old sister to his 12 year old brother.
OK, I'm an Australian and pretty broadminded, but offering your whole family up between the ground floor and the tenth floor seemed pretty sad to me----I spoke to the lift driver later and basically, this was the only way that his family survived and they were lucky because he had his contacts in the hotel and they all got plenty of work.
I was not surprised to go to the bars and find the lady boys in action---and god some of these guys/girls are bloody stunning----and what is it about me that I end up talking to them----and would you guess---yep, same story---poor family and the best way of earning a dollar.

OK, I've finished my tour but then on line I see this thing about Futanari Dolls in Japan-----it's the same thing all over again but nothing is said about being from poor families---more it is an honourable profession---OK, I'll believe that---the families must be so proud---my son is pretty and has breasts and does things with men---oh, and with unsuspecting women.---Japanese

So this week I hear from an old work mate I haven't heard from in years---he has been running a bar in the Philippines for the past five years----his girls earn an average wage of $4 a day but get paid extra per drink bought by their customer and they pay a premium on anything that they earn by taking a customer off site---hmm, must be tour guides----he told me that his biggest earners were lady boys--and told me the same story about them---
But what he did say, that totally astounded me, was that as the girls get older, they want to get pregnant---because their children are their superanuation---those kids will play the same game and support their parents as they get older.

Lets just finish this off----I saw this documentary about six months ago about the big earners in the sex industry in India were lady boys----I think they were called Hindras----and the most beautiful could win competitions and end up with a full sex change operations----and guess what---they were from poor families and it was the best way of earning money.

I want to go to Vietnam in the near future and I have seen some of the locals portrayed as cheap sex workers---it is not my intention to look for sex workers but am I going to find lady boys working their hearts out for poorer families
I love Asia---it is great to be and see somewhere that has a completely different lifestyle to my own. Most Asians are very gentle people and very proud of their countries and way of life.
Is it sad that they find a way of life offering sexual services to Anglo tourists---is it sad that young boys become women by profession---but what would their life be if they didn't make this choice

Oh, and I have payed plenty of sex workers in Asia money but none for sex---but I have learnt a lot.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

CONSENTING

A good friend phoned me last week in a real panic.
His young son had just been arrested and charged with having sex with his under age girlfriend-----as young couples are inclined to do.

Now my friend called me because I have worked in the law all of my life. He wanted to know what he should do---which lawyer he should go to----would his son go to gaol---would a conviction be on his record for the rest of his life.

I laughed at him, told him to keep his head, not to get angry with his son and that I would be at his home in an hour.
My first question to his son was "How did the Police get involved--who told them ?."
It was the girls Father who had caught them in the act---embarrassing to have a parent wander in while you are nuts deep in their daughter----ah, but I didn't say that.
Second question was "How old is your girlfriend ?"-----Just turned 16----And "How old are you ?"----come on Uncle Clyde, you know I'm 16, you were at my birthday party.
Now for the big question---"Did you force her or did she want to do it ?"----It was her idea--she wanted to try it and so did I.

Now the age of consent in my State is 17-----very confusing country---the laws are mainly State Laws---other States have an age of consent of 16---one State has 16 but you have to be 18 to try anal sex---now that's confusing----and there is one State that we all joke about saying it's OK at any age as long as it's your sister and you have tried it with a sheep first----
OK, back to the serious story.

So with all of the information that I needed, I phoned the arresting officer---I know him---He said "Clyde, you know I cant talk to you about this.---the father has complained to us, we have a statement from the girl, your mate's son has admitted it, so we had to charge him"-----Yep, that's fine--you have a statement from the girl, you have a statement from the boy, so have you arrested and charged the girl?.

There was a strange silence on the phone then a "What do you mean--the girl---why"
Well, the boy is under the age of consent, you have these statements, so she is as guilty as he is, you have the same evidence against her, why isn't she arrested and charged ?
He laughed--but realised that I was right---"What are we going to do with this Clyde--what do you suggest ?".
Well I would suggest that you go and tell her father what you have now discovered and that the boys father is happy that no charges be laid against his daughter if he reconsiders the charges against his son.

It was all a done deal within an hour and all charges were dropped---but my mates son is not allowed to see his girlfriend anymore---well not officially.

But it got me thinking---what is an appropriate age of consent---is it 16 or 17 or maybe some other age.

OK, so I checked on the Web----just to see what was the go in other countries.
Scandinavian countries are quite famously liberal in their views yet they varied from 15 to 18.
American States are as bad as Australia---a variety of ages
Yet sneak across the boarder to Mexico and its 14
India intrigued me---it's 14 if your married and it can be lowered, but 16 if you are not married----married at 14 or younger---come on.

It was an interesting list---there was even provisions in some countries that are the targets of sex tourists that the age alters if there is money involved or there is coercion by a much older adult.

BUT here it is---yes it was on the list---look it up if you like---
Through all of Europe, the youngest age of consent was 15 except for--
Oh, I don't believe it
No wonder we have trouble all around the world from people associated with this State

The lowest age of consent in the world is 12---yes, 12 years old and it is The VATICAN STATE----yes, look it up
No wonder the Pope doesn't want to get involved with Priests having sex with children---it's OK in the VATICAN

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

CRIMES & STARS



Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone----well, it went something like that---and hey, you, stop chucking those rocks---we know what you've done.

I worked with a man a good few years ago who gave me a good piece of advice---
"Clyde, there's two types of people in this world---those that are in gaol and those that could have been"
I laughed at the time but realised that he was telling me to take everyone on face value and to let them prove me wrong.

But literally, maybe he was right.

We have all ----well, at least me---done something in our lives that could have landed us on the wrong side of the law.

OK, I'm going to admit to having a sexual relationship with an under age girl---and that could have put me in gaol
The fact was that she was a little more under age than I was, but the guys always get it in the neck and if we had been found out, I probably would have ended up in court and maybe gaol.
I did do a little drunken driving in my early days and of more recent times, I may have threatened an obnoxious neighbour with some rather unusual bodily bodily harm.

Probably the worst thing I have ever done in my life was to throw someone in front of a train---OK, well I was 11 years old, he was the school bully and he was picking on my brother who had polio-----no police, no gaol time and we have been friends for life.

OK, that's the crime bit----

I was reading the free little local paper and came to that page--you know--connections---the dating column.
I love to read them and admit to answering a couple of adds a few years back--
They are sad, pathetic, funny and mostly unrealistic.
54 year old woman wants man, must be tall, slim, non smoker, non drinker aged 30 to 35.-----come on mum, put the children down
Now I really don't care if you call yourself young at heart because your bust line is now where your waist used to be-----I don't care if you call yourself buxom because you talking bathroom scales yell for one at a time---
Oh, does easy going mean that you put out and does nice gentleman mean, but not with me ?

But, I'm looking for a nice Taurus or Libran guy---or want a loving Pisces girl.
Come on---since when did your star sign maketh the man.
I know of 5 people born on my birth day and a few born under the same star sign and I don't really relate to any of them.
I share a birth date with Shakespeare---enough said---me, a poet, playwright--insecure---never
Adolph Hitler shares my star sign---now I may be guilty of a conquest or two, but never a country and I'm not racist.

So what the fuck---oh, there's that word again---descriptive----so what the fuck does your star sign have to do with who or what you are.

A great little skit from Billy Connolly---young man dancing with a strange girl at a local dance and she asked him what his star sign was---"Ah, Sagittarius, half man, half horse, licenced to shit in the street"

And that's about what I think of star signs---oh, hang on, it says I'm going to come into some money----yeh,right, like I'm gonna wank in my wallet.

Oh well, you know more about me---scary

Sunday, 12 September 2010

QUESTIONS

Over a year or two of blogging and emailing, friends have sent me questionnaires on all sorts of subjects and I have ducked them with a passion.
But the Irish Connection, Mapstew, just completed one on his blog and shouted out for me to do the same----and being the very polite young man that he is, he added--only if you want to.

OK, it's taken me a while but I thought, just this once, I would complete one. Just the 8 questions.

1. WHY DID YOU START BLOGGING.

OK, a friend of mine started to write a blog and gave me the link. I commented on her posts anonymously. When I tried to comment on Steph Shaws blog, I couldn't without a Blog Account--so Clyde was born. It was the lovely Ms Shaw who encouraged me to post my own stories after seeing something in my comments--she thought I had something to say. Thank you Steph and hurry back.

2. I YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WITH NO RESTRICTION ON COST, WHERE WOULD IT BE AND WHY ?

My mother was born in Scotland and I love all things Scottish, so I would be off to Scotland tomorrow. But of course, while I am in that part of the world, I have to go to Ireland to see a beautiful country and to meet up with Stew for a pint or two--and he's going to get me a Corr.-----I'm almost duty bound to go to Britain & Ireland.
But---I do love all things Asian. I've been to Malaysia and Singapore and want to go back but I really want to see Vietnam, China, Korea and Japan---I guess it's lifestyles completely different to mine.

3. DID YOU HAVE A TEACHER AT SCHOOL WHO HAD A GREAT INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE ? IF SO, WHAT ?

Oh yes. Her name was Colleen Davis. She was my history teacher in my first year of high school--aged 13---she was also the sports mistress--and quite often she would come to teach our class in a very short little tartan skirt---she had a habit of sitting on the front of her desk while she lectured.
I failed history but learned every way to be in the right position to see up her skirt and had more erections in that hour lesson than any other week in my life---I think I learned a lot about raging teen hormones.

4. IF YOU COULD SPEND THE DAY WITH A FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

Should I say Pamela Anderson because I want to look at her tits--but they're plastic and will melt one day----or George W Bush to just ask him why---or Monica Lewinsky to ask if she really thought it was a good idea----but no---I would love to spent a day talking to Billy Connolly. Billy has an opinion on everything in life and can see the fun in the world---amazing for a man who had a very sad upbringing

5. TOILET PAPER. UNDER OR OVER ?

Thank you Ponita for telling me what this meant.
Well I never really cared and it always used to be under so that you pulled it away from the wall---but then the best paper---you know --the one that your fingers never go through--nasty---but the best started to put a printed pattern on it so you should mount it over---it looks better
Things were so simple when it was just white or a pastel peach colour.

6. NAME ONE THING IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WOULD DO OVER IF POSSIBLE ?

I have often thought about this and it is always the same.
I had been going out with this beautiful girl for about four weeks when my best mate came home from an Air force posting---he wanted to go to an Air force party and needed me to drive. Instead of telling my girl the truth, I told her a lie and went to the party. Rosalind Fox, I'm sorry--it was the dumbest thing that I have ever done--I should not have lied
Note: he is still my best friend but I will always wonder what could have been.

7. TELL US ABOUT YOUR PETS, IF ANY

I'm a dog person---always have been. I have a beautiful golden Labrador girl who walks the beach with me every day---she runs my life.I have a budgie--little Australian parrot---I hate birds in cages---they should be free---but I am looking after him for 6 weeks---well I was---he has been here for three years--his owner is in a nursing home---I cant let him free--born in captivity and he would die.
And of course a horse---she now lives at a breeding farm and has a foal due in about 4 weeks.

8. DO YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN OR A LARGE TOWN ?

I live in the seaside suburbs of the capital city of my State--I'm close to the sea, not far --30 mins---from the city and less than 30 minutes from the edge of suburbia.

OK Stew, Ive done it---so the deal now is that I should nominate other people to do the same things so that I know more about you---but I don't like doing these things, so I'm not going to start naming people to do the same.

But if you don't the bluebird of happiness will fly up and shit all over your shoulders-----and you are probably not that interesting in any case

Sunday, 5 September 2010

CELEBRATING SORROW

Today is Fathers Day in Australia

A day when so many people celebrate having or being a father.
A day of respect for fatherhood.
A day when families get together. A family day.

There are a few family days during the year and hopefully some of them are the reasons for families forgetting about anger and fear and getting together and remembering that they are a family.

The weather has not been kind over the past week but this morning the sun shone and I walked the beach with my dog.
I spoke to my father and told him that I loved him.
And as a tear rolled down my cheek, I told him that I missed him.

My father died some years ago and I spread his ashes on the beach he loved to walk.

I have no family, so these family days are not so happy but they are a good reminder of the wonderful people who have passed through your life.

It's my Mum's birthday soon.
I'll talk to her and tell her that I love her.

She is on the beach with Dad---

Sometimes I want to stay with them

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

COY ABOUT CONQUESTS

We all know that guy
You know the one---the guy who brags about his conquests with the girls. You know---the one who has a new conquest every week yet he has never had a relationship.
You know---that guy who says "why buy a book when you can join a library"

Personally, I think that most of them have joined a library and are home every night reading a book----but they call them studs.

And we all know that girl
You know the one---the girl that all of the guys talk about and they have all been "with". You know---the one who has a great personality an talks to everyone but they never seem to be in a long term relationship.

Personally, I think that they are usually great people and can be friends with both guys and girls and don't need to be in love or in a relationship----but they call them sluts.

How judgemental are we ?
Guys get a medal that most of them don't deserve.
Girls get a label that none of them deserve.

But then you get into a relationship---a relationship that you want to be in with a partner you would really love to spend a long time with---maybe a life time, and then you become very coy about previous conquests.

It's one of those tricky quandaries. If you admit to too many previous partners then you might appear more than a a little promiscuous.
Your reputation as a stud wont impress your prospective partner and of course, that double standard labelling you as a slut, definitely wont impress any one.

But then if the number that you admit to is too small, then you might be perceived as an inexperienced prude or inadequate lover.

Some recently released research--(geez, who does this research--I've never been asked) shows that there is a split between the genders when it comes to answering that embarrassing question.
Of course most men lie---but most of them increase the number.
But only about a third of women lie but the greatest majority of those reduce the number.

The average number of sexual partners, according to this survey was seven for women and thirteen for men.
The one thing that they didn't make clear was were these figures for a lifetime of for the past year.
Now world population figures say that there is 52% females and 48% males, so you have to say that some of these "studs" are yet to pop the wax in their ears and there could be a "slut" or two who has been around the clock a few times.

But who really wants to ask these questions---who cares---who really wants to know.
Doesn't a partners sexual life begin from the day that you met them--?----after all, aren't you the best root ever ?

I've gotta stop reading the papers

Thursday, 5 August 2010

HORSE OF ANOTHER COLOUR

There is an old English saying--"That's a horse of another colour"---basically meaning that it is a whole new story---or it is something else completely-----but this is the literal meaning

OK, if you have read here for a while, you would know that I have been tied up with racing horses from one code or another for far too many years.
My first foray into harness racing / trotting involved becoming a client of an 84 year old female trainer.

Now this lady had come to Australia from England with her husband and family, bringing an English thoroughbred stallion to our shores.
She was a brilliant horsewoman who had a great love of horses.
She had been involved with show riding all of her life and working thoroughbred gallopers for so many years----she was from an era where harness horses were not just for racing but were an accepted way of transport.

OK, so I had been with her for a few years and had been well educated by her and her 65 year old stable foreman, in racing harness horses and the respect for and caring for horses----they were people who had a great respect for the animals in their care and I had almost become part of their stable team.

Now here's the story----
I had my own horse transporting float
Now we had three horses racing at one of our country track in a midweek races---
So, Clyde, can you take a day off work and transport one of the horses for us ?---of course, I'm going to do it.
Now I get to the stables ready to go and my lovely old trainer tells me to take the horse that is in the first race---he is not a good traveller and that I should head off as soon as I can to give him time to settle in on the race course---
It was a nice warm day and I had brushed this magnificent looking grey horse out and had him ready to go----but as I loaded him, my old trainer yelled out that I should travel him in a woolen rug---get one out of the trunk in the harness room---a good one, a clean one-----so of course I did----this beautiful red English rug with contrast trimmings.

OK, so they told me that he travelled badly but it was a horror trip to the racecourse---this horse kicked out and moved around the float every mile of the trip.
I got to the course and unloaded the horse----I noticed that the bottom of the float was wet, not only from his urine but from sweat---I took the horse to his tie up stall and took off the red rug----there it was----oh shit.
The dye had run from the red rug and I had a pink horse on my hands.
It was before mobile phones, so I was alone with this pink horse, due to race in about 90 minutes.

I went to the chief racing steward and asked for a veterinary inspection and a stewards inspection on the horse----
All they could do was laugh but there was nothing wrong with him and he was cleared to race.
I was harnessing him up when the chief steward came down to see him----sorry Clyde, I had to come down when they told me he was pink----and walked off laughing.
I couldn't help but think of what my dear old lady trainer was going to say when she saw him but that turned out to be the least of my worries----
The other car and float carrying my trainer, her daughter and the stable foreman had broken down, so I was left to get this pink horse into the parade ring and onto the race track.
His race driver came to take him from me in the parade ring and all he could say was---fuck Clyde, he's pink, he is actually fucking pink----
Great observations, but I gave him his instructions and let him head off to the track---my instructions could have been to hide the big pink bastard in the field but he had not won in 14 starts, so it was all about confidence.
I saw my trainers car arrive as I left the parade ring and went to help them unload the other two horses---they were more worried about how I had got on with the big grey---I said nothing other than he was on the track and ready to go.

Now luckily my trainer had this superstition thing about not watching her horses race, so it was only the stable foreman and I who walked up to the mound to watch the race.
The first thing he said was, fuck, that horse looks pink, now where is Pookie----I've gotta tell you something Jim----and I told him the whole story
Now Threyshun, stable name Pookie, had never won a race and we weren't too confident after his trip and change of colour, but of course he just had to stand out to the crowd and jump to the front.
The course commentator had to make comment on his colour which confused my poor old trainer who was listening in----
I think it was the only time on a racetrack that I was almost hoping for the horse to drop out and finish in the middle of the field and old Pookie had never won a race, but of course he lead from start to finish.

My dear old trainer was extatic until she saw Pookie heading back to the stall---and when the chief steward turned up, she thought we were going to be swabbed for drugs and tried to explain the colour-----but the chief steward laughed and congratulated her on the first pink horse to race and indeed win a race.

She would never again let me leave home with a horse until she had inspected it and its rugs.
Threyshun's owners lived interstate and commented when they got his racing photo that he looked a little pink----my trainer said it must be some tint in the photo.

Never before and never again has a pink horse raced on any track in Australia---maybe I hold a world record that will never be broken.

Oh, Threyshun---he never won another race

Monday, 26 July 2010

NOW I'VE HEARD IT ALL

How many times have your heard that---I've heard it all.
And a lot of times that you will say that in your life will be after hearing some new rule in relation to schools and / or children.

I will never agree with child abuse or with parents badly beating their children but I am afraid that I will always agree with some sort of corporal punishment administered by a fair minded parent or teacher.

The Government Child Services Departments of the world seem intent on empowering children to become self regulating and with more rights than any adult.

It is now not acceptable for parents or teachers to speak harshly to or embarrass children in front of anyone.

But what will happen when these kids grow up and get a job ?
Will they be allowed to act as they like in the work place ?

Well, they probably will because if admonished in any way, it will be against Equal Opportunity Regulations, or Workplace Relations Rules.

Don't laugh, I can see it coming---these regulations for kids are going to carry forward to adulthood.


OK, so here it is----carry this one forward



You are not going to believe it, but yes, I read it in an interstate paper.

Child psychologists and school counsellors have suggested that it is OK and indeed healthy, for year 1 and year 2 children to masturbate in class.
What the fuck ?
We are talking about 5 to 7 year old children.

Now I don't know about you, but I didn't get into tampering with myself until I was much older----at least 12 or 13..
And basically the story around at the time was that if you did it, you would go blind and end up with hair on the palms of your hands---I now wear glasses but the hands are smooth.
We were discouraged from hiding in our bedrooms or behind the shed and tampering with ourselves, now they want 5 to 7 year olds to beat one off in class and teach everyone else how it's done.
Maybe in the end they will get graded on their performance and the teachers will hand out tissues.-----hmm, maybe they will supply a little towel with their uniforms

The worrying thing is that some professional has suggested this-----
Then you have to worry that it's gonna happen----then that those 5 to 7 year olds will want to carry it on into teenage years
I can just see that----a 16 year old boy beating one off in class next to a 16 year old girl----or over a 25 year old teacher----

And then carry it forward----those 5 year olds are going to be adults working in an office---well, they let me do it at school, why cant I do it in the office---I have rights.

NEXT

Friday, 16 July 2010

BOYS CLUB

I cannot believe that any respected organisation in the western world is allowed to discriminate against women.
But here it is-----this week, July 2010, it was announced by one of the biggest employers in the world, that the board of directors and the chief executive officer (pictured below) have met and decided that they will not allow any woman to hold an executive position within the organisation



Indeed, the announcement from the Vatican this week is that they have decided to declare it as a SIN to ordain any woman within the Roman Catholic church.

OK, if you are at all genteel in your outlook, this is the stage you should stop reading and leave this site.

Right, now they've gone I have to say

How fucking dare they
Who the fuck do they think they are

They keep on proving to the world that they are living in the past and they are quite content to do so.
This mob, as an organisation, raises more money in charitable donations than any other charity in the world.
And compared to any other religion in the world, spend more money on their own infrastructure, executive officers and stored riches.
Admittedly, they spend plenty on charitable deeds, but when you have a look at the people on the front line performing valuable services, the majority are women.

But it doesn't matter how much work these women do under sometimes atrocious conditions, they cannot work their way up through the organisation---well maybe they can to a certain degree but now that it has been declared a sin to ordain women, they can never work their way into the inner sanctum of the executive officers.

With this edict being an unashamed public announcement from the chief executive officer, maybe it is about time that someone took this organisation to courts of equal opportunity in any western county, or maybe in every country and tested the legality of their rulings.

How can these men think that this is fair---and more than that, how the fuck can they make it a sin.
What do they think will happen if woman become priests?
Do they think that woman will not be able to resist their sexual urges and end up sinning with the choir boys ? ----oh no, we cant have any of that going on---not sex between males an females ---oh no no no, heaven forbid.

We have been breaking down the boys clubs in every industry in the world---but I'm betting that this one will never be broken

Thursday, 8 July 2010

WORLD CUP / WORLD SERIES

You would have to be hiding in the wilds of Outer Mongolia not to know that the World Cup of Football / Soccer is being played in South Africa

A magnificent meeting of the countries of the world on the sporting fields of South Africa.
Of course I supported the Australian team---hey, I'm an Aussie and it was a team representing my country.
But they weren't there for too long---the world football game or soccer as we call it in Australia, is not our number one football game.----but we are improving and in 4 years time, we could be more competitive.
Once Australia was out, my allegiances changed to The Netherlands and I'm hoping they can go all the way---all the way in the World Cup to become champions of the world.



But who ever wins, they will truly be the World football Champions.

Now to all of my friends from the USA.
Your team has just competed in this world championship and have done extremely well and you should be justly proud of your players.
Hopefully, like Australia, your country will be more competitive in four years time and one day, even be world champions.

But I will never understand the mentality of a sporting nation that runs an internal competition, not playing against any other country and lays claim to it being a world series championship.
I have little doubt that if there was a true world series of baseball, open to all nations, that the USA would win more games than they would lose and that they would probably be world champions more often than not----but until you are playing against the rest of the world, how can you have a world series.


Saturday, 3 July 2010

WITHOUT A TRACE



I am the end of the line

My father was an only child but produced two sons
My brother died young without having married or produced children and you know my story---no kids, so I am the end of the line.

My father told me that he did not want to be buried when he died---he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered on our local beach.
My brother asked me to have him cremated and his ashes scattered at the State Athletics track----he was a coach, a national coach who had devoted his life to his sport---he had been appointed to the Olympic coaching panel about a month before his cancer was diagnosed and died before he could live his dream.
My mother decided that she wanted her ashes spread on our beach with the ashes of my old Labrador but with a smirk on her face, asked that I move them down the beach a little from where my fathers were spread.

As part of my inheritance, I gained control of my father's family burial plot at the local cemetery and thus the fate of the remains of my paternal great grandfather and all of those who followed---a total of nine.

So of course, the year after I take control, the 99 year lease on the plot expires and I am asked to renew the lease or the plot will be resumed by the cemetery trust.

Resumed, what does that mean---well they will take it back and any remains buried there will be buried deeper and the plot used by someone else.
OK, that's easy, I'll lease the plot again for another 99 year---but no----leases are now for a maximum of 25 years.
So I have this responsibility to my family and I haven't visited the grave for 10 years, so I go to see what I should do.
The headstones that were there were faded and unless you knew the history, they were unreadable-----those of a great uncle and three children were missing.

Well, my parents aren't there and my brother has his place and I can only get a 25 year lease and then what----so I decided to exhume all of the remains, have them cremated and spread them on the beach----great plan Clyde til I am told that it will cost $1500 per person to dig them up---that's nine times $1500---then each must be removed by a funeral director individually and they must be cremated individually ---got a bulk deal there---$5,000 for the lot----and I have to get a health inspector there for the day and pay his wages, get Court Orders supported by the Attorney General---do it yourself, around $2,000---
So it's going to cost me $20,000 plus and I only met two of these people and don't even remember them------that plan was dismissed, as was a new 25 year lease because there was no one to continue with it after me.

My friends / executors know that there should be a gathering at the local pub for all of those who would like a last drink and that my ashes should be on the beach with the rest of the clan---that's fine and I am content with that.
But with no monument stones at the cemetery and the rest of us being on the beach, who will ever know that we have been here---a whole family gone without a trace.
A man from Denmark took a chance on life and came to Australia alone and started his own new world legacy and no one will remember.---I can't let that happen

So that $20,000 that I can't spend now can come out of my estate and I have done a deal with the local council that they will erect two beach front seats, overlooking my beach, with all of my family's names on little brass plaques on the back of the top rail.
Maybe no one will read them but maybe someone will and remember that we were here

Friday, 25 June 2010

BESTIALITY OR NECROPHILIA




I had to wonder about the state of mind of a young lady who reviewed the world Twilight phenomena as a "Girls battle to chose between bestiality and necrophilia".

At first I couldn't believe what I was reading, then I laughed but then I could see what she meant.

Twilight's reoccurring story line is the battle that the leading lady has, torn between two lovers.
One lover--a Vampire---the living dead.
The other a Werewolf---the beast.

That should have been the end of the story but it's me---my mind---I couldn't help but think---why do I know the meaning of these words---and more than that---why are there names for these sort of activities.
Are they that popular that they have to get their own special name.

Having spent a lot of my recreational life at a horse property which had the diversity of a breeding stud, race training facility, riding school and rented out stables and paddocks for recreational horses, I have witnessed minor bestiality.
Minor to the extent of teenage girls taking more than a healthy interest in the genitalia of the stud stallions---more than a healthy interest---touch.

Now I'm a guy--yep, and guys will on the odd occasion take an interest in porn----ah, come on---you can't throw stones,---I know you have run into those sites by mistake when you googled toys for cats----yep, OK----but my point is, I have run into sites dedicated to activities with dogs and horses.
So, maybe not a mainstream activity for the family to get involved in on the weekend, but it has a name and it does exist----sorry, don't invite me, I'm sure I'm painting my nails that weekend.

Necrophilia---no, sorry, I know nothing and I can't see it being a popular pastime in any circles and I'm not about to canvas the local undertaker to see if the party in the cool room.
.
Well, I'm off
I've got a letter to write to a little bloke in Rome. He thinks he is in charge of the worlds most popular book and I think it needs a rewrite.---you know the bit.
"Thou shalt not covet thine neighbours wife or Labrador, or German Shepherd, or Beagle or Corgi"

Thursday, 17 June 2010

GROWING FASHION


Every season, yep I mean season---so that's four times a year, there are releases of new fashions for the stylish to empty their wallets and fill their wardrobes.
It seems like a girl into fashion has to have at least one new item every season and that's not counting the shoes or the underwear.
Underwear has become a fashion of its own and even though most of it will never be displayed to anyone who will appreciate it, it just makes a girl feel good.

Of course, if you are a hoarder / collector, you will notice that fashion that is old will make a comeback and you are back in fashion again with that stuff you have stored in the spare room.

OK, I know that guys are fashion dags---we will wear everything til it wears out and even then, keep on wearing it with a rip or tear because there is some fashion to the ripped or torn.

But it is not just clothes that maketh the man or the woman.
Just have a look at your family photos----it's the hair styles or lack there of.

For years the ladies have been heading for the hair stylists and reinventing their look on a regular basis but most guys have stayed with the regular neat and trimmed hair.
But now it seems that the guys are joining in on the hair fashions---but the fashion seems to be minimal.
No longer are there the comb overs or the heads of thinning hair around town.
Now it's the shaved heads or or very close cuts taking over----and the clean shaved is giving way to the three day growth of facial hair-----all of a sudden, I am fashionable.

But now it's going all the way.
It used to be just the ladies waxing legs, armpits and any other region that may be exposed by the latest fashion in swim wear--or shaping it up as a fashion statement, or removing it all.
Now it's the guys---
I can understand that the guys who look like they're wearing a King Kong T-shirts would want to get the mower out on their back and chest hair----who wants to look like a primate---but going all the way with a back, crack and sack seems to be going overboard to the name of fashion----or is it fashion.

OK, I don't mind neat and tidy and I am not that hairy that I need the chest or back wax but I have no intention of letting someone loose with wax around my dangly bits.
And I really don't have any fixed views on how far anyone else should go in the name of fashion or comfort.
Ladies, all I know is that defoliated legs and armpits do look better---what you do with the rest is fine and fashionable with me.
Guys, well if you are closely related to king kong, I would think about either keeping your shirt on---but that foliage over the top of your collar does not look good----or maybe keep up with the latest in fashions and get the grass mowed.

Oh, head hair for the ladies----long, short, shaven, blonde, brunette or redhead, whatever is fine with me
Fashion--well, I have always measured a lady by the way she can wear a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt---simple

Friday, 11 June 2010

EPIDEMICS



There is two epidemics sweeping the world and although no one else has said so, I think that they are related.

But then again, maybe they are not sweeping the world but more so what they like the call the "western world"

Obesity seems to be taking over our communities.

On a daily basis people send me emails of "the people of Wallmart"---and every one of them has photos of these extra large economy size people who don't seem to realise that they are obese. They have bits hanging out of their clothes, front, back and side and it is not a sexy or titillating look.
There are G-strings/ thongs on both males and females, with the T-bar clearly shown and you just have to wonder, between fits of vomiting, where the hell that string is and will it hold.
You only have to walk the streets to see these people in tracksuit bottoms / sweat pants and tights / leggings, to get this view of something that looks like two rather large animals fighting in a sack----of course, the shirt has to be long enough to prevent the protrusion of excess stomach that dangles over the top of the waist band of the pants.

The saddest thing is that we see their children hiding under a pile of fries and burgers, trying to avoid the sports coaches who might press gang them into some healthy sporting pastime.
Just imagine the finished product at 25 with a start like that

Geez, China has this one child per family ruling----The "Western World" could to do something similar but limit it by a maximum of kilograms or pounds of offspring.

OK, so I said there was a second epidemic and that it could be related---well, you've got the remote control, start channel surfing.

Where the fuck did all of these cooking shows and Chef competitions come from on free to air television.
Is this it's own subliminal epidemic luring the sedentary food voyeurs---lip lickers--midnight grazers.
We used to have the occasional mother of four, showing her skills at cooking breakfast lunch and dinner to satisfy her family and backing a few biscuits of cakes for special treats---but now.
Now they are "celebrities".
We have an arrogant Scotsman who has a limited command of the English language and substitutes the word fuck for all and sundry meanings. I doubt that Scotland claims him being that he was raised in England from the age of five, but he has won so many awards.-----but I have never been fascinated by his cooking and none of it seems to be overly healthy.
The Naked Chef has been applauded for trying to get health menus into British schools but every time I see him cooking up a storm it seems to consist of loads of meat cooked under gallons of animal fat products with three varieties of potatoes and a few wilted greens
Then we have the competitions---amateur chefs competing against each other under the watchful eyes of abusive overweight professionals, producing menus of calorie exploding, sugar coated, chocolate filled goodies for the chunky judges to taste.

Wouldn't it be nice if they could produce something that didn't include a Mars Bar salad with chocolate fudge topping.

Even the food we cook at home is fast food---ah, the microwave oven---the destroyed of anything green or orange. When did vegetables have the consistency of mush and all have that same taste of paper glue.

OK, I'm not the thinnest guy in the world and I do love a feed of that tasty fast food, but I limit it to a weekly treat---and I walk the beach every day ---and I take notice of how my waistline feels in my jeans.
Sport was something that was not only on offer to me at school but one full lesson a week was compulsory
Although not great sporting people, my parents made sure that fresh air and exercise were part of my daily menu.

I am horrified to think that we have come this way, but more I can see it getting worse.

I can see it being the end of the human race. Unless the future brings proportionately larger dangley bits, I can't see the sexes being able to get together to breed another generation.

OK, I'm off for a chocolate wagon wheel and a thick shake---or maybe that delightful Dutch girl will come visiting with some donuts

Thursday, 3 June 2010

NOTHING



OK, that's what I've been doing.
Geez, you're off line for a few weeks and people start reading the obituaries and start lining up for their share of your porn collection.

Well, sorry kids but I'm still here
I haven't got anything to say other than you should never buy an Acer computer.

Less than 12 months old and after cleaning it's own litter box of all records it shut itself down without even a fuck you Clyde----
And the Guarantee service agents in each State of Australia have been amalgamated to one centralised agent in another state.

So after that first phone call with that automated answering service---you are number 47 in the cue---which lasted 84 minutes, they offer to email me a shipping slip so that I can send this heap of shit back to them.
Now, can you see what's wrong with that---no, well they couldn't---email me a slip--hey, my computer is stuffed so I don't have email access

"Ok sir, we will Fax it to you"----ha, I don't have access to a fax---"oh, I guess we could post it to you"----yep, that will work---but before you run away, I have to ask about the battery in this thing---it wont hold a charge for any longer that 3 minutes, which isn't quite long enough when I want to watch porn in bed---"OK sir, send the battery with the computer and we will replace it."

I doubt that the had used the postage system before cos it took 5 days for the shipping slip to get here.

Ok, the rest of the story is as bad and boring as the first bit but suffice it to say, all up, I was off line for four weeks and I missed you all.
Oh, I still cant watch porn in bed because they forgot to send the battery back---ha, and when they did, it was my old battery.

Yes, get yourself an Acer

I need another drink

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

FOREVER

When I fell in love, I thought it would be forever--I think it is because I remember every girl I ever fell in love with and they all have a place in my heart.

I'm a giver, a provider, lover
I want to give the girl I love everything that I can.
I want to provide everything to make her feel as special on day one thousand as she is on day one.
I want her to know that she is loved forever.

I have not succeeded in love---I'm probably not good enough---I'm probably doing it all wrong---but I want to keep on trying---I want to get it right.

I met an old man while I was working for a bookmaker on the racecourses on the weekends to earn enough money to buy a house for my love.
He used to bet with us on every race---he was there every Saturday.
He seemed so miserable and I could never engage him in any conversation---he seemed so lonely.

I lost my father nearly 12 months before he died---his mind went before his time and my mother could not care for him----I had to find him full time nursing care in an old age facility.
It was hard--I visited every day on my way home from work---he would know me one day and not the next---we would talk for hours one night and the next he would turn away from me.
I never knew if it was anger or his mind but I just had to love him and be there for him.
I would take my mother to visit on weekends---he would not talk to her---she visited with a friend during the week but he never spoke---but she kept on going because this was the man she loved.

Dogs were allowed to visit the facility, so on the second weekend I took my Labrador to see her dad---he used to care for her while I was at work---they walked my beach every day.
My dad was in the day room lounge and that beautiful dog was glad to see him but he pushed her away---he had forgotten her. While we talked my dog wandered across to people who called her and then across the lounge to the far corner and sat in front of a woman in in a reclining bed/chair---she had a man with her---he was dealing cards--two hands and playing both because she couldn't move he hands---there was no verbal communication, just eyes but her eyes were on my dog.
I called for her to come back but she just sat---so close to this lovely lady---it was almost hypnotic between them.
I went to get her and the old man looked up and said, "It's OK, my wife loves dogs and she loves that one"---it was the miserable old man from the racecourse---he looked at me and said "Please don't tell anyone"----I thought I knew what he meant----that he didn't want me to tell anyone about his wife.

The nursing staff told me later that his wife had been there for seven years and that he visited her for four hours every day except Saturdays---they wondered what he did on Saturdays----I knew then what he meant---he felt bad taking one day for himself and not visiting his wife.
We spoke a little more at the racecourse---he would smile occasionally, not often.
He would nod in acknowledgement when he saw me at the facility, but no more.
My dog would go and sit with them when she visited

He loved his wife and it was a love that lasted forever

How privileged are we to find someone to love and that someone who loves us.
How wonderful it must be when it lasts forever

Sunday, 25 April 2010

TOO YOUNG

The drinking age in Australia was 21

He was too young to drink, too young to live the life of a man, yet he was old enough to enlist in the Army.
It was not a chosen career, it was not something he wanted to do but he thought that he should.
There was a war in Europe and we were part of the Commonwealth.
Our soldiers were going and they needed more.
There was no conscription, it was voluntary and he volunteered

He was a boy----not tall or robust. He had never seen a gun or owned knife. He hadn't finished his trade apprenticeship but he signed up---he thought it was right--he thought that he should.

He had never been lucky, things never seemed to go his way yet he was prepared to gamble with his life.

Basic training was over and he was heading for the war---the last day in Australia, and it could be the last day he ever saw his country.
His luck did not improve when he and a mate were placed in charge of loading luggage onto the troop ship---the rest were allowed to have time with family and friends and even drink---yes, they were now soldiers and the age law did not apply to them.
A little luck turned into the luckiest day of his life.
They had finished loading the luggage and supplies, so his mate convinced him that they should have a drink for a good job done ---why not---there was two hours til departure time and they were legal---the wharf workers directed them to a local hotel and away they went.
They weren't gone that long but it was too long---departure time was an hour before what they had thought and back at the wharf they saw their ship sailing away---they were quickly reassigned and and sailed three days later.
What they didn't know til after the war was that their original ship sailed into Singapore Harbour not knowing that Singapore had fallen to the Japanese---the troops were prisoners without firing a shot in anger.

He saw action in North Africa and the Middle East and survived to be sent back home to Australia but his war was not over.
He didn't get back to his State or his family before his battalion was posted to New Guinea.
He never told me but I know he walked and crawled the Kokoda Trail, I know that he suffered badly and that he came home with mental images and memories that no one should ever have.
He never spoke of the war in terms of battle
He found no glory in anything that had happened.
He would talk of the wonderful people in Palestine and how beautiful he found the country to be---how wonderful the jungles of New Guinea smelled and how friendly the natives were, but no more.
He had no hate in him for the men he fought---they were doing no more of a job than he was.

Today is Anzac Day in Australia---a day we remember all of those who have fought to protect the liberties of this country and it's allies.

But I remember him every day---he is my hero.

I miss you dad, I love you