Monday, 31 August 2009


I own quite a large house near the sea valued valued well into the hundreds of thousands of dollars------------but I'm never going to sell it.
So it's actual value to me is as a roof over my head, a home for my dog and that it is very close to that beach I love to walk.

I have just bought a new car but its value to me is no more than that of my old car because it will get me to the same places and I'm not about to sell it.

I have heritage jewellery handed down for hundreds of years through my parents families but the value to me is only sentimental----my insurance company would beg to differ.

I have a small collection of Australia's most famous red wine but it's value is not what it would realise at auction but only that it belonged to my only brother who died 17 years ago.

I have always considered my situation to be on the better side of comfortable until I read something on the internasty-----and now I have realised how wealthy I am.

It has nothing to do with my possessions or their substantial monetary value.

I have FREEDOM--------------the most valuable thing of all
I can keep my possessions or I am free to sell them
I can stay in my house by the sea or I am free to move to anywhere in the world.
I am free to write about this or anything else that I want
I am now at an age where I can work or I am free not to
I am free to vote and elect my country's leaders

There are laws in this country that protect my freedoms---they even demand my freedoms.

If you don't think that freedom is of any great value, try living a country ruled by corruption---try living where fanatical religious laws override the laws of the land---try living where you have no rights because of gender

Oh, OK, love ran second

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

For Richer or Poorer

It is supposed to be the most memorable day of your life.
You only do it once so you should really go all out and make it memorable.
The brides parents are going to pay the bill


Oh, OK, some of you have been married forever and your wedding day is so memorable that you still get out the photos and play the video.
OK, I am going to admit that I cried on my wedding day----and it had nothing to do with pain or money.
I got married in the front yard of my inlaws house----we were going for cheap---the inlaws had no money, I had less in the bank than my blushing bride owed and I didn't think that my parents should front up for the lot.
I cried when I saw a beautiful woman in a white wedding gown walk though the crowd on the front lawn to marry me.
Hey, it was a great day and we partied in the back yard forever
Probably the most expensive individual item for the day was the wedding gown---although the kegs of beer cost me a bit.

Later I was to discover that was my wife's third wedding gown---yep, there they were---all along side each other in that locked cupboard
And of course, the guarantee ran out and it was all over and done with---beat the 7 year itch but not by much.

OK, the story

I'm reading the paper last weekend and find some average costs for a wedding.

Wedding---$49,202.---this is an average---
Reception---$10,476.---97 guests at $108 per head----come on--the cheapskates didn't spent that much on a gift and I don't know half of them
Dress----36% of brides spend $2,000 - $4,000----geez, and you are gonna wear it once.
Rings---Average for an engagement ring is $5116 and $1507 for a wedding band
Then there are cars, Grooms suit, bridesmaids dresses, groomsman's suits and the groom might have a wedding ring----a church / hall, a priest / celebrant.

Now that's all OK if you have the money but some people don't but want to impress the relatives and friends and go into all sorts of debt

My advice---cheap out on the wedding and spend it on the house or even the honeymoon.
Geez, you will remember the honeymoon more than the wedding.

But here is the best story
A young bride to be found her wedding dress in a shop in Australia---only $1500.00.
She asked that question---so this is made in Australia then?
When she was told that it would actually be made in China she thought she would go to the manufacturer
Now she was careful and did a lot of research on line before ordering the same dress from China
Result---got her dress---$162 in postage, $5 for insurance---and the dress---3 layers of silk and chiffon with embroidery, beading and the pleats across the bodice for the princely sum of $18.
Geez, maybe it could be a honeymoon in China and get the rest on the cheap

But is it all a rip off

Friday, 14 August 2009


Don't you just love statistics?
Those little figures and percentages that come out of nowhere about all sorts of shit that you have no interest in what so ever.

But then there is one that just strikes you as interesting----well, actually amazing.

Three in the one week, this week

30% of Australian women live in a marriage characterised by violence.
That is an amazing statistic and on face value I am ashamed to be an Australian man---and that would probably be the thoughts of most guys.

But then I thought---hmmmm, live in a marriage characterised by violence
OK, I lived in a marriage characterised by violence-----and before you throw stones---the violent one was the 4'11" woman that I was married to
My ex wife couldn't have a disagreement with me, followed by a logical spirited conversation-----no, it was her way or a slap, scratch, punch, tear clothes, scream and then tears----which, by her account, would always be my fault-----geez, the lies I told when I went to work with a black eye.
Hey sorry, no matter how violent she got, I could not hit back----ya just don't hit a girl.

And then I remembered a beautiful young lady who I worked with who regularly came to work with cuts, scratches and bruises----her partner was a rather large bear but didn't seem like a bad bloke.
Finally I lost my cool and said to her that if she came in with the signs of a beating again, I was coming around to see how tough he was with a bloke.
She begged me not to and told me that it was all her fault----I sat her down and told her that it was never her fault and that he needed to be taught that.
But she convinced me----she told me that she was a bit of a control freak and that she baited and baited him til he lost his cool----and that's how it always happened.
So I went around and saw him and told him to get in the car and come to my place for a beer before he belted her-----he did that for about two years before it all settled down------hey, they are still together and no more beltings and no more baitings.

So what I am saying is----live in a marriage characterised by violence----hmmm, but who is the violent one---and who is baiting who.

Sad-----Don't hit girls----good rule to live by-----if you feel like it, then just come and have a beer with Clyde

OK, well there was another two stats this week----and I love them----and if you put them together, you can make up your own stats.

75% of Brits are too lazy to have sex-----geez, you can do it laying down.

And, 40% of women have never masturbated-----ah, come on--if you have it you have to play with it.

OK, so if you break those stats down, 75% of those 40% of British women aren't even getting into owner operating-----so what the fuck are you ladies doing----are you watching too much TV, eating too many caramel creams, too many G & Ts, over indulging on the iced vovos .

So if we say the British population is 50% male and 50% female and that it is all of the guys that are too lazy and only half the females, then just give me a yell and I'll buy a ticket and come on over
Accuse me of anything, but never of being too lazy for sex

Monday, 10 August 2009


OK, let's finish this story and get on with life.

Things were looking good----having met this "lovely" lady on the beach, taking her out to the marina for breakfast and finding out that her 17 (I was wrong)year old daughter was the spunky young blond dog owner I had met on the beach some months before. And we are going out to dinner

OK, we are up to date.

So there is this magnificent Chinese Restaurant overlooking the lakes with a great piano bar----the food is wonderful. I made a booking and went to pick up the yummy mummy at the prearranged time.
When I told her where we were going she said "Oh, I don't like Chinese food"--well they do have an expanded menu with very good Thai and Indian----"Oh, I'm sorry Clyde, I don't like foreign food---actually, I don't like Asians"
OK, knock me down---a big admission on your first "date" but honest.
I thought that there had to be a very good reason, so I went with the flow even though I have no racial prejudices or preconceptions-----I am a bit worried at this stage.
So on her choice we head for a local pub------hey, this is gonna be cheaper and I don't really mind this place.
We walk in through the front door and some guy talks to yummy mummy---fine, she stops to talk to him but doesn't introduce me----hmm, OK, it's a first date---we head into the dining room and a table full of people says hi to her but we don't stop---the food waitress knows her by name----hmmmmm-----the barman knows her by name and knows what she wants to drink----hmmm, OK, she is a regular.
Now during pre dinner conversation another guy comes over and starts taking to her---she carried on the conversation til he looked at me and said "Sorry mate, my name is Rod"
YM said "Oh, yeh, hey Rod, you wouldn't believe where Clyde tried to take me for dinner---bloody chew and spew"----Rod chuckled and said "He'll learn"

Our dinner arrived and Rod left---we exchanged small talk-----I was busting to ask but left it alone.
The rest of the night was filled with people talking to her and me not being introduced to half of them.
It was late when we got to her house and she had to work the next day so she asked to be excused and said it was a great night and she couldn't wait to see me again.

I was disturbed by the racism and by being ignored while she spoke to so many other people but put it down to a first night a few nerves.
She phoned me the next day to tel me that she had really enjoyed the night---that she was having an early night that night but would love to see me the next night---"what about we go to the pub again--it's a relaxing place"----so why not.

OK, fast forward here a little----you don't need to know---and no, I wasn't getting any---you perverts

It was Saturday night---we are going out-----there are choices---there is no work for her the next day-----dinner, movies, river cruise, trotting races, football match, nightclub, takeaway and DVD, any of the above and a walk on the beach with a bottle of champagne, a cemetery tour.
And the winner is "Clyde, why don't we just go to the pub?"
So we went to THAT pub---didn't want to go to another
Dejavu-----not introduced to another dozen people and ignored while she spoke to half of the people in the pub.
I had decided that this was my last night with yummy mummy---but then she said "Clyde, why don't we go early and go back to your place and fuck".-----come on, not me, that was word for word---YM said FUCK
Now, I have to tell you---Yummy Mummy is very yummy----ok, for those who can't work out yummy, this is one very spectacular looking lady, body to die for----so who am I to knock it back

But here it is----I just cant forget the racist bit of the first night----now, it would have been easy to let it go and had a great night exploring the mountains of Europe and canyons of America looking for the eruptions of a dormant volcano but I can't.
We are in the car and I just have to ask
"So what is this problem that you have with Asians?"---"Is it a war thing to do with Vietnam or the Japanese of WW11?"------"Have you had a very bad experience with someone Asian ?"
"No, I just don't like them or their food---there are too many of them in our country---they're taking over---they are everywhere---them and their fucking restaurants------breeding all their little fucking Asian kids"
But YM "They are people, the same as you and me---they have migrated here the same as most of our forefathers and all of our Italian and Greek communities---they are Australians"
YM said "You have to be joking, them and the bloody Italians and Greeks, they come here and think that they own the place---they should all go home"

Well that was it and home it was
Her home----I pulled up out the front of her house, got out of the car, opened her door and told her how self absorbed she was and that I couldn't be with anyone who was so racially intolerant.
My God, I could have waited one more night----or at least 3 or 4 hours

This morning as I walked the beach the pooch was joined in the water by a golden retriever----I didn't look around---I didn't want to know and then I heard---
"Hi Clyde, you really pissed mum off"
There was the 17yo from that first morning
"Sorry, but I have my reasons and I think I am right"
She snickered "So do I ----she is a racist bitch and she is up herself with all her pub mates----I'm sorry---I hoped it would work out----I would have liked for you to be around"

I smiled----"You know where I am"

Saturday, 1 August 2009


Geez, I reckon it was back in about February---hey, you can check back if you like.
Ok, I had a very early morning walk on the beach with super pooch---she will drag you there any time.
I hear this yelping from a dog and yelling from a girl and being the good guy that I am (was) I went to investigate and found this beautiful golden retriever with a paw pad nearly sliced off from an encounter with broken glass and a very cute well endowed young lady owner in distress
OK, the story goes that I clean up the dog's wound and send her off to get her car to transport the dog----rip my own T shirt as a bandage, not hers----when she gets back and takes her dog, I am left with a ripped shirt and no idea who this absolute spunk is.

Fast forward about five months.

So this morning I cant sleep---hey, I'm retired and it is Saturday but I just cant stay in bed---it's a nice crisp clear morning so I decide to have an early one on the beach with the pooch---hey, and she is not complaining
Pooch had been in the water, I don't know how many times and we had been walking for about an hour, when she is joined by a golden retriever.
Geez, dogs make friends quickly---they were having a ball.

I was oblivious to my surroundings watching these two dogs enjoying each others company and splashing in the cold morning sea when I heard a voice saying "She is a lovely dog"

I turned to see a very attractive woman in her 40s who obviously was with the retriever.
I said "Yes, she is everyone's friend and she really enjoys playing with another dog"
She said "It's funny, my dog is not that friendly with other dogs but she has really taken a shine to yours"
I just smiled and was about to light a cigarette when she said "I don't suppose I could bludge(Aussie for steal, borrow, have) one of those---I don't usually smoke before breakfast but I just feel like one"----of course, I gave her a smoke and we wandered along just chatting about nothing----she was delightful company and I was becoming more aware of how attractive this woman was---looks and conversation.
We got to the point where she would leave the beach and I asked if she would like to have breakfast at the Marina-----of course she wouldn't---but she did---she accepted.

Hmm, Clyde, this early morning stuff is alright
So I arranged to meet her and took my dog home-----hey, who needs a pooch begging for your outdoors eggs and bacon.
I picked her up at the arranged spot and headed off for a delightful breakfast.

She was a lovely lady-----she didn't want to tell me much about herself but the company was great----the trust built a little and I could actually drop her at her house.
We stood outside talking when her daughter (very stunning looking young lady) walked out of the house, looked at me and said "you"
Her mother looked at me like I was some sort of perverted rapist----but then I breathed again and said "Hello, long time no see"
She said "Mum, this is that guy who bandaged Bonny's foot up on the beach and sat with her til I got the car.

Mummy looked at me and said "My god, my daughter has raved about you and has looked for you ever since"

Ok, the moral is that the daughter is only 16---whew, the thoughts I had about her and her tits----but mummy is only 42, very attractive and divorced.

Now I'm not sure where any of this is going but Mum and I are having dinner tomorrow night.

Geez, that bloody dog of mine will pick up anything on the beach