Tuesday, 30 November 2010


We all dream that our wedding night will be something special.

OK, I suppose it is that little more special for those who have chosen to save themselves for the big night---well, I'm not so sure.
A lot of people don't perform too well under the stress of great expectation and to tell the truth, most guys are bloody hopeless without a road map or an operation manual.
Now I've turned a girl or two over in my life and I have yet to find operating instructions tattooed on their arse.

Now ladies, you can stop that chuckling and stone throwing and think back to your first time---come on, who took charge.
I have to tell you that it is painful when you try to drive that thing like a stick shift and doing the five finger shuffle with a hand full of nuts can bring the evening to a painful screaming halt.

So if it's gonna be your first time, take your time to explore the terrain, ask questions and answer them honestly, nothing is out of bounds if you both agree and no, you can't use Vick's Vaporub (mentholated heated chest rub) as a lubricant.

OK, well my bride and I decided on a fairly cheap wedding and spend the money on a honeymoon and a home deposit.
It was a great decision, especially when I found out that her debts were bigger than my savings---
Anyway, we got married in the front garden of her parents house and had the reception in the back garden---the weather gods were kind and, OK, I even cried--well, what do you expect from a guy when he standing there talking to his mates and he turns around to see the most beautiful vision in white walking towards him---I don't know about the rest of you at your wedding or another, but it was breath taking and she was there for me.

The day was fantastic---well there was one hiccup but really didn't take much gloss off the day.
There was plenty of food, plenty of booze and a great casual atmosphere.
I behaved very well and had little to drink and just enough to eat---I knew that we were heading for the honeymoon suite and that it should be a special night.

I thought that we would be the first to leave but it turned out that we were among the last
We arrived at the motel---the place was rocking---every car in the park had "Just Married" on one window or another---you could smell it in the air---hormones were running amok and we were about to join the action.
OK, I have to be honest here---this was not going to be our first time---although we hadn't lived together, we didn't miss too many nights---and of course, you cant drive home in that condition.
But we were now married---this was our wedding night----SPECIAL

My beautiful bride wanted the bathroom to herself and I heard a few stumbles in there but out she came---well, I nearly cried again--it was like Christmas---my best ever present was there in the best wrapping I had ever seen and I was going to enjoy unwrapping that very slowly.
I started to undress when my beautiful bride said to me---"Honey, I'm hungry, I want a yiros"----she grabbed me and held me tight and said ---"I'm sorry--I didn't eat much but I drank a lot and I really need something to eat"
What is a guy to do---his pants are around his ankles, he is as horny as you can get, but his loving bride is hungry.
I could have gone for a quickie to take the edge off, but this was our wedding night, so up with the pants, kiss the bride, find the car keys and head off to get her food.
I was only gone for 20 minutes---that motel was still rocking---there was a low sound of the moaning of satisfaction---so I dashed up to our room.
And there she was---my beautiful bride, passed out on the bed snoring her head off.

Normally, I wouldn't have tried to wake her but this was our wedding night and she was so hungry---
Well, the result was
Me sitting out on the balcony eating a yiros listening to the sounds of sex from every direction except from my room---it was snoring like a buzz saw.

OK, there was very good morning sex but the wedding night had gone and nothing was said---
There was some good times but overall they are right.
It starts heading down hill after the wedding night----well, it did for me
But I still like a good yiros

(Yiros---Greek marinated lamb with salad and garlic sauce in a wrap)


Marnie said...

We call them gyro's where I live, and I agree, they are good!!

You were very smart opting for a smaller wedding so you could have a really nice honeymoon and home. If I had to do it over again that's how I'd do it.

Wedding nights...well they are a gamble after all that food and drink ;0)

♥ The Lyrical Designer ♥ said...

Ive never really heard of spectacular wedding nights...( I WANT ONE!!) the entire time i was growing up. I would hear tidbits here and there about grooms falling asleep, or brides who " didnt feel ready" and both people who just didnt know each other well enough to "do" it. LOL!
but... their marriages ended up just great. And they looked more in love each time i saw them... so the wedding night isnt a sign for whats to come. I had a friend who had a really fantastic night and then when i asked her for the juicy details as us gals do.. she said " oh we had a great time playing board games all night and kidding around!" hahahahhahaha!!!! I was speechless!!! well... they have 4 kids now and they STILL play board games!!!

Fanny said...

A disappointing night, I agree.

After a big day, and a few drinks, I know normally I'm too tired to enjoy sex.

My marriage day was in Bangkok. It was stressful just getting the paperwork done that day. I remember we got back to our hotel, newly married, and the last thing I felt like was sex. But I dutifully did it anyway ... like you say, it IS your wedding night. I did it out of duty many more times after that.

Heff said...

Marry a slut, it's NEVER DOWNHILL !

Clyde said...


It was our best option---but in the end, it was our only option when my wife owned up to being a long way in debt----it was still a great day.
I'm guessing that most wedding nights are some sort of gamble but no action--no no, not supposed to happen

Clyde said...

Lyrical Lady

Well, you are talking about Indian weddings--not knowing each other besides no experience would be very daunting---so I would suppose that you would grow into your marriage---hmm, interesting concept--"Hello, I'm your husband, please take your clothes off"
Hey, I probably would have settled for board games instead of a snoring bride in skimpy sexy night atire

Clyde said...


Now that is sadder than mine.
But at least you were awake and willing.
Oh, and I hate duty sex--

Clyde said...


If your only expectation out of marriage is sex, that's fine.
But if your entire marriage is built of sex, you are in trouble from the start---might as well eat the yiros

Danielle said...

This my friend is why you stay single.

Clyde said...


No, this my friend is why you keep on working on your relationships, whatever they may be.
Take nothing for granted---even sex on your wedding night

-eve- said...

have just learnt what a yiros is :-)
i always like your stories... another one to make me think.. :-)

Clyde said...


Just another part of my history and another lesson learned.

Oh, and a Yiros is a fine thing--almost as good as a Char Kway Teow


hahaha I think lots of people don't actually have sex on their wedding night, Clyde.

I did but I married the frigging Everready Bunny.

Clyde said...


That may be so, but not too many brides send their new husband out for food and pass out.

Hey, thet may have been your wedding night but you lowered his output soon after