Saturday, 3 May 2008


Yes it is a song-----but you will get the point.

I was 16 years old when I was woken by my Grandmother yelling at the back gate---I brought her into the house before running up to her home to find my Grandfather dead on the floor. My Grandmother died two years later.
They were both in their eighties and not in good health ----- I dont ever remember telling them that I loved them even though I had spent all of my life seeing them on a daily basis.
I didnt cry at their funerals and I really havent ever missed them----I guess I thought their time was up----my paternal Grandparent died before I was 2 so I remember nothing of them.

My only brother and I were great mates til girls came on the scene---then he didnt want his little brother hanging around. But he supported me in everything I ever did.
When he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the arse fell out of my world.
He was at home til three days before he died and we would talk the night away.
He was on morphine for the pain, so I would dose him up in the mornings before I went to work so that he was comfortable and slept most of the day in the care of my parents but only enough to take the edge off at night because he wanted to talk. The things we told each other fade as time goes by but I will forever remember the tears in his morphine clouded eyes when I told him that I loved him---I told him that he was my hero and that I would miss him til the day I died---and I still miss him and I still get very misty thinking about our night time talks.
I was with him when he slipped ito a coma but I still talked to him and kept telling him that I loved him------I was with him in the hospital 10 minutes before he slipped away and I told him again and told him it was OK if he needed to go now.

My heart sank when the phone rang---I had just got through the door, but I knew---
And then I had to hold my Mum and tell her that the son who had lived with her for 44years had just died.
That is he first time that I can remember telling my parents that I loved them----how must they have felt----your children are not supposed to die before you do.
My Dad was just stunned---he had blamed himself because the cancer was hereditary---he had survived two cancer operations in ten years.

From then on, I told my parents that I loved them as often as I thought I should---I think it almost made my Dad uncomfortable because he wasnt a touchy feely bloke--I dont think that there was much love in his family.

I lost my Dad before he died---dementia took him away----I visited him every day in a nursing home----he was happy but I was sad that it was no longer my dad---I got no reaction but I still told him that I loved him.
I'm sad to say that it was almost a blessing when he died----I was with him and said goodbye and told him that I loved him.

Mum and I were great friends and her health was reasonable til she slipped into a coma after a short illness----she came back(apparantley due to being off her regular medications and now on morphine) for about 30 minutes---I'm lucky, I was there with her.
She asked if she was dying and who was I to lie to my mother---she checked that I had everything ready and that I would be alright----told me that she loved me and slipped back to her sleep----
I held her hand and talked to her in many visits over the next three days and always left her teling her that I loved her------
I knew that she wouldnt last that night and that phone call came.

I dont think that I could have got past losing any of them without knowing that they loved me and without me telling them that I loved them.

You never know when you are going to lose someone, so dont have that regret that you never got to tell them

Do it now---do it when you leave for work in the morning----do it before you go to sleep at night-----end your phone calls with it


"Hey, are blokes supposed to cry"
"Yes Clyde, if they have feelings"
"So I'm just showing my feelings then"
"Yes Clyde, and you are not frightened to show them"
"No, I dont mind people knowing how I feel"
"Good, now pour me another Bourbon"

Thank you Rod Stewart



Clyde- You can well imagine my feelings regarding you writing this. I really wanted people to see how amazing you truly are.
When you told me these things, I Knew you were a kindred spirit that I hope to meet one day, and l know that regardless I shall never forget you, and all that is you.

We are in such short supply of people like you. It saddens me greatly that you, who truly knows the meaning of love and family, have lost yours.

T'is a shame you did not have children- you have so much to pass on to them.
I love everything that you are.
Tell anyone I said that- and you DIE! :)

Fanny said...

Clyde, I have tears in my eyes reading your honest post. You should be proud of being able to tell your family about your true feelings before you lost them. They were lucky to have you as their son, and brother.

Aw, c'm'ere ... let me give you a big hug.

Clyde said...

I've written it three times and tried to lighten it up, but it just kept comming out this way.
Had to write this one without a drink but there were a few fags.
I see the real you shining through in your latest rant

Clyde said...

And dont think I didnt write it through tears
So now you all know why I love to have 'me' time on the beach.
My parents ashes and those of my last beautiful labrador,who I shared with them, are spread on the sand


Well, Clyde it came out perfectly!
Yeah, Uber didn't write that one I did. I never really write as me. What do you think?

Sister Christian said...

This post nearly brought me to tears. It was so honest and touchy feely and all that jazz. It takes a lot of cojones to open up about that type of thing, especially something as personal as recounting the deaths of your loved ones.
They must be very proud of you.

Clyde said...

It was wonderful to see the real C shining through although I could see Uber holding her hand.
And it was good to see the subject not involving a personal anger

Clyde said...

It does not take balls to talk about real love.
But what I want some people to read into it is that this guy who had so much more living to do and so much more to give to the world didnt get the choice to live on.
So when I read about very young people not wanting to go on because its all to hard I keep praying that they will make the right choice---please go out there and finish it all off and dont go til you dont have any choice

Spiky Zora Jones said...

clyde...this post made me cry. sweetie, that is so sad. I know how it feels to lose love ones. Both my parents have passed away. I miss my mother so very much.

I don't know if my heart could take seeing any of my brothers or sisters pass away...god, my heart breaks just thinking of it.

We are a close family and always hug and say we love each other.

Even though I am angry with my girl at times...I always kiss her and tell her I love her when she leaves or I leave.

sweetie...hugs and kisses for you babe. xxx

this post show so much of your heart and you have a wonderful heart...But I sensed this already.

ciao babes.

Keshi said...

ok Im crying now.

HUGZ Clyde!

I know wut u mean...when my dad died, I was 16 and he was 44. One day I woke up to find him dead...twas a heart attack. he was so fit we never expected him to die and at that age too.

Life is so unexpected...we can be here today, gone tmrw. thats why I do my best to live one day at a time and show my loved ones how I much they mean to me.

Touching post!


Clyde said...

Spiky Z
It doesnt take too much to see how much you love life and the people in your life.
With my Mum, it was the last of my family---and although she was tired and it was not to be unexpected--- but there is now no one left---
My brother was not supposed to die so young---but it was almost as hard getting my parents through it.
But with all of them you think---what was the last thing that I said to them---I was lucky---how I would hate that it was words in anger

Clyde said...

Dont cry for me---my parents were great people of their era---and I got lucky with my brother that I could be there and could say what I needed to say.
But reading your blog, I have no doubt that you would have told or show your Dad that you loved him.
It is sad when they go so young and so quick----I have no doubt that you miss your Dad---and you will miss him more on your wedding day---Dads are supposed to be there for their little girls---and he will be

Keshi said...

Im glad ur bro is there for ya Clyde.

Abt my wedding..I dun think I'll get married. I dunno, it just feels like that. :)



Harley said...

That is dreadfully sad. I guess you were lucky that you got to say goodbye. I'll take your warning to heart.

And feel free to send me a present! :P

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

That is so sad. Your post is what scares me most of all in my life...losing someone I love.

I've lost all my grandparents but I wasn't very close to them. Really, no one close to me has passed...and I am terrified that I won't be able to handle it if it DOES happen.

I think it's wonderful that you got to say goodbye, no matter how much it hurt to let them go. I would think you've made peace with that. I think I would if I were in your shoes.

And you're absolutely right when you say to always tell those you love that you love them. You never know when they leave for work in the morning if they'll be walking back thru that door ever again.

Allie-gator said...

That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. It made me remember every emotion, feeling, and sence that flooded my body when my Grandmother (whom I was extremely close with) passed.

So happy I visisted your page at the right time.

Wow....(*sniff sniff*)

-eve- said...

Good post, Clyde... I should take it to heart ... that's one of my favourite songs..

Clyde said...

What is sad is we dont get an itenerary for our trip so we dont know when the end will come.
So we should do the best that we can and try to not have regrets---and your bigest regret will be when you lose someone you care about and you havent told them how you feel

Clyde said...

The only real regret that I have was that I didnt get a bit of 'me' time when my brother died because I had to be there and be strong for my parents----lucky I had a beach
Hey, if you say it every day, you wont miss

Clyde said...

Thank you for the visit
I'm glad that it made you think of your Grandmother----and your love for her.
She will live on as long as you remember

Clyde said...

Take it to heart and you will never regret it.
Yes, Rod has some wonderful anthems.----I think Downtown Train is my fav

Pri said...

im really sorry for ur loss clyde and i also know that no amount of time can help heal the loss of a loved one...
u r very right in saying that we should seize every oppurtunity in telling our loved ones how much we love them...because time waits for noone :(

i have no words to say...this post has really left me speechless...


Spiky Zora Jones said...

clyde...i have one regret. When My father passed away i was there to see him with my g/f and my son the prince. Father was angry with me...he had been for severl years. I don't know why...maybe it was because I didn't marry his close friends son...a nice Italian boy. I told father I would rather go out with his sister. That ended that. I then rn off to college.

Anyway my father loved my son and my now girlfriend...he adored them...he just had a problem with me. He was in the hospital and as he lay there in that bed unable to speak now...I went to hold his hand but he moved his hand away. I was hurt but didn't show it.

As I went to leave I kissed him on his check, before he could move away...I wish I knew why he was so angry with me those couple years before he passed away.

ciao babes...I do think this is a fabulous brings tears to well up in my eyes...and makes me want to hug you.

Clyde said...

Hi Pri
I dont think it is so much healing of the loss---sometimes the memories arent as vivid and of course, having no family now, I miss them
But they are always there in memories and photographs and things of their's that I have in my house.
And I got to say goodbye
How hard must it be on someone who didnt get that chance and never said I love you

Clyde said...

Spiky Z
At least you were there babe---you were the bigger person--and you were there and kissed him
Have no regrets

ann said...

Oh my God, you made me cry. I took care of my Dad the last year of his life before he died of lung cancer. That was in '94 and time hasn't eased the pain. I kept two journals at time and wrote down all of the advice, stories, jokes,family history etc. that my Dad shared with me to pass on to any nieces, nephews or children of my own. I make sure that I tell my friends and family that I love them every time I see them. I work with one of my Sisters every day but, I make sure that I hug her every Friday before the end of the day. You are a good man.

ann said...

Also, you inspired me to write about my beloved Grandmother. Thank you!

Wait. What? said...

Clyde this was a beautifully written, expression of love in and of itself. It touched on that one thing that every human needs from family, thanks for posting this.

Clyde said...

I dont think the pain was just your Dad suffering and dying---it was all that went before.
You should be happy that you were there for him and that he no longer suffers
Love them, miss them, but there should not be any pain---because they feel no pain

Keshi said...

Clyde I hope ur latest comment in my post was for publishing? I published it but wasnt sure if u wanted others to see it too. Just let me know.

ty n HUGZ! Im sadder now.


Clyde said...

Don't be sad that I'm alive---because that is what I am


I keep telling ya Clyde- my blog is not about personal anger , but dark comedy. :) Hope that you are well.Getting to be a bit of a lazy blogger though!

Lauren Elizabeth said...

That was very well said. I'm glad you got the chance to tell all of your family members you loved them, and often. A lot of people miss out on that chance.

Clyde said...

Jebus Uber, what do you want from a bloke ?
I notice that you have been busy posting ---not.
Come on, I'm only a novice and you are the experienced woman---oh, and you have been blogging longer to.
Ok, it is Saturday and there could be drinks, so there could be writing---who knows---could be sex---

Clyde said...

Like I said, there is no reason to miss the chance.
Tell them as you leave the house, tell them before you hang up the phone, or tell them as your sign off in an email

Hey, have you got rid of that drop kick of a BF yet ?

Lauren Elizabeth said...

Bah, not yet. Not sure what to do at this point.

On the subject of saying "I love you" I tell him I love him almost every day, and he's never said it back...

Clyde said...

So get rid of him