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Tuesday, 20 May 2008

THE RULES

Sorry, I've got lazy this week so I've just grabbed this from a few things stored on my drives.
The contents are not necessarily the views of this guy






BLOW JOB ETIQUETTE

Blow job Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".



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A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

10 comments:

Steph said...

Dude grabs my head then I grab his nuts..........with my teeth.
Let that be a warning to ya ;)

Clyde said...

Steph
Thanks for the warning but you have enough trouble with once a week rumpy pumpy let alone sword swallowing.
Besides, wees half related cos the Nurse keeps proposin---well she was till she went of air

Fanny F said...

Clyde, I am glad that the contents are not necessarily your views. Nevertheless, I need to rebut a couple of these points:

By a female:

13. It tastes great. Unless you have been drinking 13yo Riesling. Then it tastes like kerosene.

15. Tell anyone.

By a guy:

2. If it smells like a dead fish, ladies, you have a medical problem that can easily be fixed with medication. Do not use soap. It mucks up the PH Balance and you won't smell good. No Soap. Trust me .. it works. And eat lots of fruit & veg and drink water.

5. Bring chocolate, selfish arsehole.

Clyde said...

Fanny
Thanks for the warning on the vintage Reisling.
Oh, I dont really want to tell anyone---I'm just happy to receive and twice as happy to give.
I havent found any dead fish yet just a variety of sweet musky armomas-(sorry, my mouth is watering).
Oh, and you always bring chocolate to a chocolate lover

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair."

And that's a good thing? Hey, some of us LIKE it. ;)

#13 - So true...;)

Tairebabs said...

ROTFLMAO! This was soooo hilarious! I think I need to send it to my friends.

Amazing!

Clyde said...

Now Stacy
You like to have your hair pulled and you swallow---
You are just that perfect woman
I hope PK knowns that

Clyde said...

Tairebabs
Helo legal lady
I didnt think you would comment on this post---more the next one.
Good to see another legal eagle around the place.
If you want it in email form to cut and paste for your friends, just tell me

Keshi said...

hahahahaha!

Keshi.

Clyde said...

Keshi
Ha---the unfortunate thing is that some people believe that these are the real rules for everybody