Monday, 21 September 2009


How confusing is this English language

Now this is my native tongue although you may not think so at times.
If it confuses me at times, how confused are the poor people who migrate to English speaking countries and start learning the language for the first time.

OK, so it's called ENGLISH---so I'm guessing that it originated from England and quite well bastardised in England before being well and truly fucked up in the colonies.
So the language in England is different from the American English and again another language to the Australian version-----oh, and the New Zealanders just changed all of the vowels around to confuse the shit out of everyone.

Well if you are going to learn a language, you can get these little conversion books which will help you with phrases and hopefully phonetic pronunciations----and then you can go onto dictionaries-----now your gonna get confused----one word, three different spellings and twelve different meanings---and then the multiples and the tenses and Jebus, how does anyone learn it.
And then you go from one English speaking country to another and the meaning changes.

But really it is easy
A little Pig is a Piglet---right, you've got that---OK
So a little Ass is -----come on, its easy----Asset-----well, maybe not that easy
Lets try Dog---a little dog---well actually its Doggie but don't ask the girl at the pet shop for one and dogging it in Australia means that you aren't trying but in America it means that you are performing sexual act with strangers in public.

OK, lets try Cat----well a cat is a feline, a pussy, oh hang on, well a pussy is a cat but then again it can be female anatomy----oh, and a cat can be short for Catamite---and that's a guy who plays with his own gender but he doesn't pitch or catch----no, not baseball----oh, lets leave it there.

Oh, Fanny----OK, that's a girls name---well colloquially in Australia it's a vagina, but watch out in America because its a booty-----no, nothing to do with little boots---ah, shit this is confusing.
What ?, you've torn your dictionary now----OK, no worries, I've got some Durex---oh, you had better watch that one ----in Australia Durex is sticky tape--oh, the Americans call that cello tape---but in England, Durex is a French letter----ah shit, lets just try sign language or I'll convert to yours.

Look, if you really want to get a good grip on this language, you should try to do the crosswords in the daily paper-----OK
What---10 down---mild ejaculation----well, an ejaculation is---well look it up in your dictionary---(geez, whats a mild one---you don't pop the wax out of your ears---you don't need too many tissues for the clean up )-----oh, it means that too---OK, so work out mild from there

Oh, and next time I'm in Singapore, for the sake of $6.25, I'm gonna order one of those, just to see what I get.


Scarlet-Blue said...

I'm very confused, but I'm watching my luggage.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Ironically, most non English speakers who learn English will speak better English then most who are born in American. We are the slang capitol of the world. Most people don't utilize proper verb usage in sentences, and text messaging is making the latest generation of teenagers even more illiterate.


That's why I like 4 letter words. The meaning is clear and never changes.

Clyde said...

Miss Blue
Luggage ?---that's a trunk isn't it--oh, that's an elephants nose--oh, like in baggage---ah shit.
Keep on watching it

Clyde said...

Hey our education system here has been letting kids get away with phonetic spelling for years---and it really doesn't matter if you get the answers wrongas long as the process of getting that answer is sound-----I'm having to learn a new language to speak to young shop assistants

Clyde said...

My sweet, I'm not sure of that ---I think the kids are getting hold of them and giving them a "radical" treatment

Ponita in Real Life said...

There's even a difference between American English and Canadian English... and we are on the same continent! I lived in the southern US for 5 years and learned all kinds of new stuff... which I promptly tried to unlearn when I moved back to Canada.

Clyde said...

There is even a difference between the states of Australia---not much but enough--and then there is the accents---not like the US or UK, but subtle.
In New Zealand, there is a slight English accent in the north island and a more Scottish in the south---bloody confusing

mapstew said...

Don't even get me started on the Irish language, where 'dh' is pronounced as 'g' and 'bh' is pronounced as 'w', or 'v' depending on which part of the country you're from, or if it's before or after noon, or if you drink Guinness or Murphy's!


Spiky Zora Jones said...

clyde, Er lost me somewhere in the beginning...damn that tax invoice is small.

Anyway I'm still trying to figure out why all talent shows on television have to have a Brit judge.

oh and sluts are so much cheaper in Singapore than in the states. I'm worth twice that amount. Woo!

ciao sweetie. xxx

Clyde said...

At least they have an excuse---they have the Gaelic language---and Bastardise it into the English.
Hey and join the Scots in and they dinnae ken the Kings language
Hey, I didn't know the dif til I went to school and realised that my grandparents and my mother spoke another language

Clyde said...

Miss Jones

I'm not sure that they have to have a Brit judge----it's just that they would struggle to find a more egotistical arsehole than him.

Hey, and when you work out the currency exchange, that Singapore slut is very reasonable.
I am as sure that you are worth 100 times more than that as I am that no one could every call you a slut.
Unless of course the word has another meaning in the US---like, beautiful, delightful and desireable

Anonymous said...

Well... the same happens to other languages. I've found the same 'problem' in portuguese and spanish 'tongues'. At the end I've decided just to learn all I can, or I'm able to, and make myself as understandable as possible, in a sort of 'general' way, 'cause I know I'll never going speak like a native spanish from Spain not even like the others 'hispanoparlantes' in this huge continent, not a like native english or a native portuguese from Portugal or Brazil... whatever! it's such a PAIN but... err.. amusing. :D

Words are troublesome. :S


What exciting things are you up to now that you're retired , Clyde?

And what of the dog's lady you dined with?

Clyde said...

I guess it is the same in most languages---but English has to be confusing to someone trying to learn it for the first time---learning multi spellings of words, tenses and then the local bastardisation,accents and colloquialisations-----cooee cobber, your an extra grouse sheila

Clyde said...

Retirement isn't overly exciting, just another phase of life---and it has been winter---so things should improve from now on----oooh, I bought a new vacuum cleaner (hoover) yesterday---just waiting for my new car to be delivered.
Hey, I wrote about that "lady"--she was no lady----I still see her daughter occasionally---but only on the beach

Macy said...

Then they had to split the bill - "OK WHO had the slut??"

Presumably the service charge relates to aforesaid slut too..

Clyde said...

And it's on a docket from the Raffles Hotel, so I'm guessing that it's not the cheapest slut in Singapore

-eve- said...

I'm guessing you might just end up with a cheap drink ;-)

Clyde said...

Ah Eve, you've spoiled the dream---but I think that you are right---I think it has something to do with mud---as in mudslide

Sister Christian said...

Hee hee Durex! That's the brand of condoms, so when you say Durex, get it...

Clyde said...

Hey Sister
Yep, in Australia, you ask for durex and you get taped up---a little harder to get off, a little harder to get on and a little bit prickly

*S* said...

I only have trouble with Engrish when I'm half shot.....either that or I'm verbally dyslexic?

Clyde said...

And nobody is taking any notice of wha youse saying cos they are too busy checking out your breasticles