WATCH YOUR LAGUAGE

How confusing is this English language

Now this is my native tongue although you may not think so at times.
If it confuses me at times, how confused are the poor people who migrate to English speaking countries and start learning the language for the first time.

OK, so it's called ENGLISH---so I'm guessing that it originated from England and quite well bastardised in England before being well and truly fucked up in the colonies.
So the language in England is different from the American English and again another language to the Australian version-----oh, and the New Zealanders just changed all of the vowels around to confuse the shit out of everyone.

Well if you are going to learn a language, you can get these little conversion books which will help you with phrases and hopefully phonetic pronunciations----and then you can go onto dictionaries-----now your gonna get confused----one word, three different spellings and twelve different meanings---and then the multiples and the tenses and Jebus, how does anyone learn it.
And then you go from one English speaking country to another and the meaning changes.

But really it is easy
A little Pig is a Piglet---right, you've got that---OK
So a little Ass is -----come on, its easy----Asset-----well, maybe not that easy
Lets try Dog---a little dog---well actually its Doggie but don't ask the girl at the pet shop for one and dogging it in Australia means that you aren't trying but in America it means that you are performing sexual act with strangers in public.

OK, lets try Cat----well a cat is a feline, a pussy, oh hang on, well a pussy is a cat but then again it can be female anatomy----oh, and a cat can be short for Catamite---and that's a guy who plays with his own gender but he doesn't pitch or catch----no, not baseball----oh, lets leave it there.

Oh, Fanny----OK, that's a girls name---well colloquially in Australia it's a vagina, but watch out in America because its a booty-----no, nothing to do with little boots---ah, shit this is confusing.
What ?, you've torn your dictionary now----OK, no worries, I've got some Durex---oh, you had better watch that one ----in Australia Durex is sticky tape--oh, the Americans call that cello tape---but in England, Durex is a French letter----ah shit, lets just try sign language or I'll convert to yours.

Look, if you really want to get a good grip on this language, you should try to do the crosswords in the daily paper-----OK
What---10 down---mild ejaculation----well, an ejaculation is---well look it up in your dictionary---(geez, whats a mild one---you don't pop the wax out of your ears---you don't need too many tissues for the clean up )-----oh, it means that too---OK, so work out mild from there

Oh, and next time I'm in Singapore, for the sake of $6.25, I'm gonna order one of those, just to see what I get.