Tuesday, 7 October 2008


Hey guys, it's nearly summer down here, so you will have to get out there and buy some new fashion swimmers.

Yeh, right
Last years boardies arent totally faded yet and there is only one small reef tear in one leg, so why the hell would I waste good cash on new ones.

So guys, you are ready---you just have to find the boardies in the bottom drawer---but what about the ladies

Well you know that they cant wear last years gear so out they go on the hunt.

Not a big deal you say----hmmm-----well read this and you will realise what terror the change of season can strike in the hearts of the ladies.

Of course I didn't write it----I'm too busy sewing up the crotch on my 5 year old boardies.

"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation
known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the
bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with
a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as
engineered. It was built to hold back and uplift and it did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can
either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's
Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of
fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of
horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason
for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh
rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The "mature
woman" is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.
I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously
from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had
come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtains. "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I
replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard
skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane
pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright
pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows
to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted ... a two piece affair with shorts
style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and
bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful

When I got home, I found a label that said,

"Material will become transparent in water."

Ha----enjoy the search ladies---we will be watching


bunny said...

I hate swim wear. I especially hate bikinis. No better than parading about in your underwear.

I wouldn't be caught dead in one.

Fanny F said...

It's not funny. Last summer I bought a swimsuit top. Size 10. But E Cup - twas $120 for the top, just for something that fits.

Don't worry about sewing up the hole in your boardies Clyde ... I don't mind an extra peep, as long as your old feller doesn't poke out of the hole. Could be dangerous in the surf.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Well, it's still warm enough here to wear our swimsuits but I haven't had mine on yet this year (and probably will NOT wear it). Over the past year, I've put on a little extra weight...most of it in the boobage area, so the top part of my suit no longer holds all of the "top" part of me in. The PK loves it. I, however,....mmmm, not a big fan of my boob popping out while I'm trying to reel in a fish on a party boat with sixty other people around.

Hopefully by this time next year, I'll have lost some of the extra "me" and will only be about 93% horrified and tramatized when I enter that "chamber of horrors known as the fitting room".

Wish me luck! ;)

Clyde said...

Everyone has their own ideas on swim wear.
I suppose Australians living near beaches are more inclined to parade around.
Hey, some of the ladies never get them wet.

Fashion is a bastard
I must admit to liking tankinis on the ladies---or even shorts.

I'm heading north next moth so I think there could be some new boardies on the shopping list

You keep talking about this extra boobage and keep saying there will be photos---but here we are imagining again.

There is nothing wrong with busting out occasionally but on the big fishing boat---no, you had better keep them under contol
I really do like the tank tops and shorts as a swim combo


I use to have the most gorgeous bikini , but after 30 one can't serioulsy wear them.

Clyde said...

Some off the twiggies can
But I understand
Like I tried to tell my ex wife---a now size 14 body shoe-horned into a size 8 teddy, pissed and draped around a door, really deserves a snigger

EmmaK said...

Yeah, one just has to bite the bullet and go maternity wear, not because I am that fat but the regular ones are like two bits of dental floss and I end up looking like a trussed up turkey.

bunny said...

I suppose if I lived in Australia I might feel differently. But the east coast of Scotland is none too sunny :)

Clyde said...

The turkey look is not good.
Quite amazing that a slim naked woman can look chubby when stuffed into a sausage skin

Clyde said...

Dont spoil the image for me.
I was going to wear my boardies when I came to Scotland in 2010.

I might have to rethink my wardrobe

bunny said...

Well you never know :)
2010 might be the year we get a proper summer.

phishez said...

Gah! I don't even own bathers. Haven't since I was forced to do swimming at school. I maintain that its not wroth going to the beach.

Every time I do they try to push me back in!

*sigh* Maybe I should change my name Colin/Colleen.

Clyde said...

It is always worth going to the beach
You dont have to wear bathers and you dont have to go swimming----although if you want to go swimming and you're not wearing bathers, give all of us perverts a yell

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