SUMMER SWIM FASHION

Hey guys, it's nearly summer down here, so you will have to get out there and buy some new fashion swimmers.

Yeh, right
Last years boardies arent totally faded yet and there is only one small reef tear in one leg, so why the hell would I waste good cash on new ones.

So guys, you are ready---you just have to find the boardies in the bottom drawer---but what about the ladies

Well you know that they cant wear last years gear so out they go on the hunt.

Not a big deal you say----hmmm-----well read this and you will realise what terror the change of season can strike in the hearts of the ladies.

Of course I didn't write it----I'm too busy sewing up the crotch on my 5 year old boardies.


"I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation
known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950's, the
bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with
a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as
engineered. It was built to hold back and uplift and it did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can
either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's
Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of
fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?

I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of
horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in
bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets
from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason
for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh
rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The "mature
woman" is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump.
I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view
assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously
from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had
come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtains. "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit...I
replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.


I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard
skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane
pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright
pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows
to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fitted ... a two piece affair with shorts
style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and
bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful
outcome!

When I got home, I found a label that said,

"Material will become transparent in water."

Ha----enjoy the search ladies---we will be watching