MERRY

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN…

Who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red
flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and
laughing away,
While flying around in a
miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer to pull
him along,

Then let's face it...
Your Pissed or you've been smoking some serious stuff!

PUBLIC HEALTH

Once you really look at it, we have a pretty good public health system in Australia.

A free Medicare card issued to residents, allows you treatment at a local doctor for $10 or $20 or even in some cases, no cost at all.
The same card gives you most procedures in a public hospital at no cost to you---but there is a waiting list.
The governments Pharmaceutical Benefit Scheme allows you to purchase prescribed listed medications for a minimal fee------if your Doctor believes that you really need something that is not on the "allowed" list, they can make an application for a Commonwealth exemption for you and you can get that medication at the same minimal fee.
Pensioners receive all medications at a vastly reduced rate.
Wheelchairs, walking frames and other aids to assist in daily living can be supplied free under a Commonwealth scheme.

Private health insurance is not very expensive ----within the reach of the average family.

That all seemed pretty reasonable to me.

But then I read this article from the US
Wow, what progressive thinking

US gun company will market a pistol to elderly Americans that will be subsidised by the government in the same way as a wheelchair or walking frame. The company, Constitution Arms, claims its gun, called a Palm Pistol, has won approval as a medical device for people with arthritis or other disabling conditions who have trouble squeezing the trigger on a normal firearm. Under the deal, seniors who buy the $US300 9mm handgun will be reimbursed by the federal government. Matthew Carmel, president of Constitution Arms in Maplewood, New Jersey, said the gun was "something that they need to assist them in daily living". -- AAP

What next ?
Something for the front yard ?

BURNT

How many of us can say that they haven't been burnt in a relationship or two during their life.

Geez, I've lost a house, block of land, a car, money, furniture and worst of all, a dog.
But hey, what the hell, you keep on trying
I've got all of those things again.------but don't try to take my dog.

But what I have lost in my life is nothing compared to a news story breaking in my city-----it gives a totally new meaning to being burt.

Now let me say first up----I have never---yep, never cheated on anyone in a relationship
Relationships deserve to fail if there is not at least honesty holding them together.

So here is the story
A woman was arrested after a fire nearly totally destroyed a house that she was living in with her husband and two teenage children.
Her husband suffered burns to 80% of his body----------the two teenagers were not seriously hurt.

Of course it is natural to jump to conclusions-----god, she was trying to kill her husband in a house fire-----geez, was she trying to kill the kids too.

But today the rest of the story surfaced
She found out that he was cheating on her.
Her revenge was to pour methylated spirits on his testicles (nuts, balls) and set fire to them while he slept.
Of course he woke up----having your nuts on fire will do that----he jumped up and knocked over the container of metho and was enveloped in the resulting flames which spread through the house.

Now I doubt that I will every cheat in my life-----I have this streak in me called honesty and conscience.
But just in case, I'm moving all flammable liquids out of the house and sleeping with a fire extinguisher under my bed

PIRATES

History is littered with stories of buccaneers sailing the seven seas plundering and pillaging from unsuspecting ships and even land settlements.

There is a romance to the stories----no, not the raping bit----geez, that's not romance----

There is almost a standard to be kept
Sailing Ships
Flying the Jolly Roger
Wearing an Eye Patch
A Parrot on the shoulder
One hand replaced by a Hook
Yohoho and a bottle of rum

And of course, the Pirates Treasure----the Booty

It's always a chest full of gold and jewels and it's always buried on some treasure island
And there is always people searching for these buried treasures.

So forward to the 21st century

It is becoming a regular story in the newspapers of the world----Somalian Pirates
They attack all sorts of ships and end up with all sorts of booty.-----even a tanker full of oil to ransom back to its owners----

Now no one has mention pirates in this story but I just had to think----maybe

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia. Men's magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue. The cargo is worth about $200,000. A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week. The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don't turn up in the next 48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said.-- AAP

Geez, what would you do with them.

THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON

Throughout history, members of the human race have waged wars on other members.

It has always been about control
Who can control more than someone else

And throughout history, man has developed weapons in an attempt to get the upper hand on the foe.
We have gone from rocks to spears to guns to bombs to nerve agents to chemicals.
We have gone from face to face on the great battlefields to traps places in jungles to missiles sent from afar.

Everything that has been invented has been designed to bring our enemies to their knees.

But think about it
It has been there all along
The most powerful weapon in the world and throughout history, it has brought the strongest most courageous warriors to their knees.
But like all weapons of mass destruction, it can be unpredictable, volatile and uncontrollable.
It's a chameleon-----forever changing

All we have to do is learn to harness it
If we can do that, it could lead to world peace.

AND it is----OK, you should have worked it out by now
Those who have it control those who don't

It's PUSSY

Come on----look at the controlling possibilities
Look at how it controls you now

CLITORIS

There, that got your attention.

I keep reading posts and comments about guys not being able to find a clitoris.

So what the fuck is a clitoris----well clinically, it is the erectile organ of the vulva-----Yep, that's right-----erectile organ----it is the female equivalent of a penis. It is the GO button.

So, with guys, the erectile organ is out there for all to see----no one needs any guidance to find a dick----here, its the stiff thing under your nose----OK, you cant miss it.
And it is not too hard to work out how it operates.
You can give it a little hand crank, take it in your mouth and bob up and down or stick it in your vagina and ride it like a rodeo champion.
Persistence in any of or all of these activities will result in an eruption of smegma from the penis and a broad smile on the owners face.
And guys are quite happy to give directions

OK, now the clitoris

It is not out there for all to see-----pants down and it is not a dangly bit so obvious that you naturally gravitate to it.
Get your lady excited and it's not pointing out there for you to grab, devour or ride.
So where is it-----well take your time and search around and if you are not sure, fucking ask
Geez, no wonder girls like playing with other girls

And ladies, if it is so fucking important----draw a map----- get a tattoo with an arrow pointing to it-----get it colour coded
And show him how to operate it

No, you are not going to do that.
Well OK, that's fine----but dont't complain when he spray paints your womb, smokes a cigarette and wipes his dick on your curtains as he leaves.
You have to remember----we don't have one, we dont know how it works, we are not good at asking directions and once we have got our jollies, we are satisfied.

God, at least you get an owners manual with a car.

And yes---I do know----and I know because a lovely young lady gave me directions

CHASTITY

The medieval practise of using chastity belts to protect the purity of your wife and female offspring is making a 21st century comeback----well, so they say.

Now it used to be that you would get your most trusted blacksmith to make up some sort of locking belt with a groin piece to cover and prevent access to the genital area of you wife and precious female offspring-----thus ensuring that no one was touching up the Mrs while you were off battling the heathen hoards and protecting the virginity of your daughter to increase her appeal to wealthy suitors.

There was the story of the nobleman who had his wife's belt made up with a hole in it allowing access for his cheating compatriots, but it had a little guillotine to chop off or at least take a chunk out of the offending tackle.

So now this idea has come into the 21st century----well at least that is what they are touting it as.

The 21st century idea is knickers with a GPS device sewn in.

So now you can sit at home and know where your under age daughter is---
Well you may think so

Come on----how the fuck is this gonna work-----all you know is where the knickers are.
So you know that your daughters knicker are at the ice skating rink
But does it tell you that they are around her ankles and some local stud is up to his nuts in her not so virginal pussy.
And of course when your GPS receiver says that she is at the local dance, it is not until she walks through the door that you realise that those traceable knickers are in her boyfriends glove box.

Some how I don't think there is going to be a big sale for this new invention.
And how the hell can they say it is a chastity belt.

If you really want to know where your daughter is, ask her-----and show some trust.
Do you really want to know that she swallowing knobs behind the sports shed or taking it from behind over the bonnet of her boyfriend's car.

If you really have to know, you are going to have to find yourself a blacksmith so there is no access-----of course she will hate you.
Or when she gets home from a night out, throw her knickers against the wall.--------if they stick, you have your answer.

GPS knickers-----you have to be joking