DEJAVU

Geez, I reckon it was back in about February---hey, you can check back if you like.
Ok, I had a very early morning walk on the beach with super pooch---she will drag you there any time.
I hear this yelping from a dog and yelling from a girl and being the good guy that I am (was) I went to investigate and found this beautiful golden retriever with a paw pad nearly sliced off from an encounter with broken glass and a very cute well endowed young lady owner in distress
OK, the story goes that I clean up the dog's wound and send her off to get her car to transport the dog----rip my own T shirt as a bandage, not hers----when she gets back and takes her dog, I am left with a ripped shirt and no idea who this absolute spunk is.

Fast forward about five months.

So this morning I cant sleep---hey, I'm retired and it is Saturday but I just cant stay in bed---it's a nice crisp clear morning so I decide to have an early one on the beach with the pooch---hey, and she is not complaining
Pooch had been in the water, I don't know how many times and we had been walking for about an hour, when she is joined by a golden retriever.
Geez, dogs make friends quickly---they were having a ball.

I was oblivious to my surroundings watching these two dogs enjoying each others company and splashing in the cold morning sea when I heard a voice saying "She is a lovely dog"

I turned to see a very attractive woman in her 40s who obviously was with the retriever.
I said "Yes, she is everyone's friend and she really enjoys playing with another dog"
She said "It's funny, my dog is not that friendly with other dogs but she has really taken a shine to yours"
I just smiled and was about to light a cigarette when she said "I don't suppose I could bludge(Aussie for steal, borrow, have) one of those---I don't usually smoke before breakfast but I just feel like one"----of course, I gave her a smoke and we wandered along just chatting about nothing----she was delightful company and I was becoming more aware of how attractive this woman was---looks and conversation.
We got to the point where she would leave the beach and I asked if she would like to have breakfast at the Marina-----of course she wouldn't---but she did---she accepted.

Hmm, Clyde, this early morning stuff is alright
So I arranged to meet her and took my dog home-----hey, who needs a pooch begging for your outdoors eggs and bacon.
I picked her up at the arranged spot and headed off for a delightful breakfast.

She was a lovely lady-----she didn't want to tell me much about herself but the company was great----the trust built a little and I could actually drop her at her house.
We stood outside talking when her daughter (very stunning looking young lady) walked out of the house, looked at me and said "you"
Her mother looked at me like I was some sort of perverted rapist----but then I breathed again and said "Hello, long time no see"
She said "Mum, this is that guy who bandaged Bonny's foot up on the beach and sat with her til I got the car.

Mummy looked at me and said "My god, my daughter has raved about you and has looked for you ever since"

Ok, the moral is that the daughter is only 16---whew, the thoughts I had about her and her tits----but mummy is only 42, very attractive and divorced.

Now I'm not sure where any of this is going but Mum and I are having dinner tomorrow night.

Geez, that bloody dog of mine will pick up anything on the beach

WHY NOT THE CAR

Hey, a new computer
Thank you Mr Insurance man----just have to set up the wireless connection
It's been like Christmas
Two new cameras, a new laptop, gift card on a big tool shop and another on a big department conglomerate and a cheque and all from the insurance company.

It is not a nice feeling coming home from work to find that you have been burgled but when they take your virus riddled computer, a film camera that you haven't used for years, a watch that you have worn once and don't really want, a photo printer that is surplus now that you own a multi printer and business clothes and shoes on the eve of your retirement, you have to think it wasn't the worst thing that could happen to you.-----geez, why didn't they take the car---OK, I'll just have to buy a new one myself.
I can feel a KIA coming my way

I cant tell you what retirement is like----so far it's just like being on holidays and they are still paying me from work----I guess that will just keep going because I have been paying into an old Government Superannuation scheme that will pay me 72.5% of my salary for the rest of my life---and it is even indexed against my final wage-----and I don't have to go to work----or I can if I want and get paid another wage on top.

I guess I'm gonna find out

OUT OF TOUCH

OK, the big day is here.
I retire today from a 43 year career.
I'm guessing that there is a big chance that I could have a drink or two with a few people and I may not get home til tomorrow.

I'll probably need a protector later tonight---where is Jimmy when you need him.

Tomorrow will start a new career.
Up about two hours later than normal and off to the beach with the pooch for an hour or so.
Then it will be back home and have a talk to the pooch about what we should do for the rest of the day.
If she doesn't say much, I'll just have to please myself.

Had a call first thing this morning from Miss "I hope she comes here soon"----she had bought me a retirement gift----a $1500.00 show bred puppy.
I am always grateful when people think of me but I had to tell her that, by myself, I don't want another dog but if it was a package deal with her and the new puppy, then come on down.
I doubt that I will see her any time soon.

Anyhow, the title
Well, I have managed a post here and there from my work computer but that ceases today----and I have managed a post from my virus riddled computer at home---well that has ceased----??????
Well I got burgled last Friday
Yep, they took the computer
How sad, I was going to buy a new one in the next couple of weeks but now the insurance company is kindly going to give me a new one.
I'm not sure when but til then, I am OUT OF TOUCH

Stay well
I will catch you soon with stories of my new life

INNOCENT

I've never really thought about it before.

There were so many things that you did so innocently as a child, that if you repeated them today, you would be arrested.

But as I head for what they say is a second childhood for men, can my new found innocence protect me from prosecution.

SHE LOVES ME

All anyone wants in the world is to be loved.

Ok, I've told you that I am now 60 and I have been waiting for this long time friend and that is still a work in progress---oh, and it is progressing

But out of the blue I get this email

"Hello, I like your profile on this Indian introduction service and I like you"
Geez, hang on---Indian what service---I've really gotta to stop drinking and surfing around on the internasty---no wonder I've got this bloody infection.
But then again it was a Saturday night and a little cool so a bourbon or two wasn't going to harm anyone----and if someone sends you an email, ya have to reply.

Ok,well I replied and of course back comes a whole lot of detail, like---
"I'm 24 from The Congo living in a refugee camp in Dakar Senegal and getting access via some christian minister's computer"

Alright---I started it so I replied with a quick---hey girl, take note I'm 60 years old and don't think a 24 year old should be looking my way

She replied again and now it started----
"Age is no problem---my parents were murdered in a coup in the Congo---I'm stuck in this camp---I'm only allowed out on Mondays and Fridays."

After another quick reply I get.
"I need your help--my dead father left me with a statement from a leading European bank and I have his death certificate---I need your help to get access to the $6.5 million in the bank and then we can live happily ever after----here is my photo"



And all I have to do is send her my bank account details and access codes and she will be here with her $6.5 million and she will be eternally grateful.

How lucky can I be

ITS TIME

"OK Clyde, it's time"

Time for what ?

"Well time for another post at least---you have been very slack lately"

OK, I guess I have but this computer is infected----wont hold settings---I've lost all of my contacts, can't access two of my mail accounts---It's time for a new one.

"So why haven't you bought a new one or at least had this one deloused ?"

Well I figure it's not worth having this one deloused if I'm gonna buy a new one and I'm about to get a fairly big pay out from work, so I'm waiting til then.

"Ooh, a pay out---so what is the deal with that ?"

OK, I guess it's time to elaborate on a few personal details

"What details---like what you have told us so far ?"

Yep, that's the ones

"Alrighty then, lets have the goss on Clyde"

Well, I have always admitted to being on the wrong side of 35----well, I am well and truly on the wrong side----I had one of those big birthdays back in April

"So you are 40 then ?"

Nope

"Not 50 ?"

Nope

"Jebus H Christ Clyde, you are not bloody 60 ?"

Yep, scary isn't it ?

"Well OK, but what is this pay out thingy ?"

Alright--well back in the dark ages, when I was 17, I started paying into a Superannuation pension scheme and elected to have it mature at 60----so what that gives me is 75% of my wage indexed for the rest of my life as soon as I retire from work after I turn 60-----
Well, I am now 60 so I am going to retire on the 10th of July
Not retire from life but from my Government employer of the past 43years

"Ah, Government, so you are going to get a big golden handshake then ?"

Hah, the Government will not give me one cent that I have not earned----they don't even pay up for a farewell gift----
No,in Australia, on average, workers get 4 weeks paid leave per year---but on top of that the earn long service leave---so, after 10 years of service with an employer, you get an extra 90 days of leave---then 9 days per year til you have completed 15 years of service and then 15 days per year.
So if you retire and have not taken any part of that long service leave, they will pay you out------and I have 505 days and I get a lump sum pay out for that.
That's my pay out

"So we have to wait til after 10th July for you to buy a new computer ?"

Well, I could buy it now but I want to keep my ready cash on hand because my investments halved in the Stock Market crash.
Any way, now that I have been outed as a 60 year old nearly retired Government worker, I doubt that anyone will be flocking to read the word according to Clyde.

"I'll still be reading Clyde"

Ok, I'll keep trying to write then----but maybe not before July

"See you then"

INFECTED

I am struggling to post anything at the moment with a virus riddled computer.
I's about time I bought another one and that is coming up in the next month

But while I'm here I thought I could throw these in for the lovely Spiky Zora Jones

Ms Jones, I have no doubt that you could turn me into a lesbian---oh, hang on, I already am---I love women








Oh, and I love a good cup cake