GOD OF WAR

For centuries, wars have been raged in the name of religion.

I find it hard to understand that all religions teach peace, yet wage wars to exert their superiority.

In the end, most of the conflicts come down to race

It is all a joke

I don't hate you because of your race or because of your religion----I am just totally pissed off because you want to fight me because you think I don't support you

But this takes the cake----two local churches-----
No wonder we have "religious wars"

A WEE DRINK

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Ah, Friday night drinks will never be the same

HEALTH

My doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

REPUTATION SHOT

Ok, I have a reputation of being a nice guy----Duh, yep, I know---nice guys finish last
But I also have a reputation of never missing an opportunity

Now, I will sleep through WW111-----my head hits the pillow, I wont wake til alarm time and sometimes, second alarm time.
But Thursday morning, I was wide awake at 5.15am and could not get back to sleep.

Well, ok, I'll take the pooch for a walk on the beach before work----a little dark when we first got there but oh so peaceful. And that dog was in and out of the water and enjoying life to the max

Hey, I'm getting there---don't be fucking impatient.

So it's daylight and we are heading back home when I hear this yelping from a dog and this screaming from a woman-----
Na, come on---I didn't touch her or her dog----well not yet

So I dash on over---well actually, ambled----other early morning dog walkers were just walking past----and I find this rather cute young lady with a Golden Retriever with blood pouring down its leg.
God, this chick is out of control-----no idea, other than her dog is bleeding---

Of course my pooch is very helpful---she wants to play and lick the blood off the dogs leg----good girl.

Now it's early in the morning, and I'm not a morning person, but I do notice that the young lady is very cute and that on a chilly morning, she has no bra beneath her T-shirt-----ah, come on, her head lights were on---you know, the circuit breakers were popped----arrh, come on, her nipples were hard.

Ok, so I check out the dogs leg and find that it has sliced the centre pad on its foot on a broken bottle----almost sliced it off.
Now it's still cool but for some reason, I have taken my pooch's drink bottle with me.
So I clean up the foot and see all of the damage----
I said to the girl 'Hey, you can't walk this dog off the beach----you need to get her to the Vet ASAP and we have to stop this bleeding.
Of course, by pooch is helping out trying to lick as much blood as she can.

Now here is the total fuck up

I said to her---"We have to bandage this leg and you have to get a car down here to transport her and get her to the Vet.

Now, it's her dog---I need bandage-----she is wearing a T-shirt----no bra----and what do I do-------
Yep, say nothing and tear my own bloody T-shirt and bind the dogs leg---
Then I tell her I will stay there with both dogs while she gets her car.

It's a work day, I'm up early------45 fucking minutes it takes her to get back---
I load her dog into the car and she takes off.

So here it is------
I don't ask for her T-shirt----lovely tits
I don't ask her for her name
I don't ask her for her number
And she has gone
I phone the closest Vet, and she hasn't gone there.

I walk home----half a T-shirt----I have a wet dog with blood over it----I clean her up, dry her off, feed her, shower and head to work
I'm an hour late and they are not impressed------til I tell them

Fuck Clyde, you are getting slow
I'll bet I never see her again

Oh, the dog----
She will be alright----plenty of clean bleeding from the live flesh----they will stitch that up----it will take time, but I bet it's eating as only a Retriever or Labrador can

I'm not sure that I will recover

AWARE & FREE

181


181, that's the confirmed number of deaths in the fires still burning through Victoria.
181 and counting----counting because they are just getting back into some devastated areas and they know that they will find more
They are talking about 100 more

All of these people
Our papers are full of stories
Stories of death, stories of survival
All of these people
Old, young, children, teenagers

But one story made me cry
Nothing to do with people
It was just an observation by a journalist that really didn't seem so important to him---it just added to the descriptiveness of his story-----but it hit me like a brick
The author wrote that as he drove past, there was a herd of cattle in a paddock and they were on fire.
There it was---no horror, no sorrow, just they were on fire

We all have an understanding of how to survive, how to escape, where to run to and we do the best that we can.
But there were these animals, locked in a paddock, with no comprehension of the danger or ferocity of fire, no way to escape and they just burned with a magnificent epitaph-----"They were on fire"

They have my tears

I got some great news today
I have been trying to contact a horse stud in Victoria for four days----it is located in the fire zone-----no one would answer a phone----maybe no one could.
But today they answered
They had been out doing their bit----helping neighbours, relocating horses, fighting fires, but their property was safe.
Their property and my little mare.
I feared that she had gone like that herd of cattle.

I guess that is in some way selfish---with the loss of all of this human life, I was worried about a horse-----all I could think of was her on fire and I had sent her there----

SHE IS ANGRY

Mother nature is on a rampage across Australia.
Where we normally she shows this beautiful face that we are proud to show the world, she is angry.

For those who don't know, this country is split into six States and one Territory.

Queensland, our northern tropical state is noted for being God's waiting room---the retirees from other states move there for the sunshine----it's the sunshine state.
And it is flooding----the result of offshore cyclones
But who fucking cares----we do but

The State that the rest of us love to hate---Victoria----the southern most state of the east coast----is on fire.
My God, they are the most arrogant people----they believe that they are the best at everything----they believe that they are God's own country.



There are at least 85 people dead---others will or have died.
The total of horses, cattle, and wildlife dead is not counted

A fire fighter left home to protect his neighbours and his wife died in the fire
Some of the fires have been deliberately lit

We now don't care what State they are from
They are our neighbours, our friends---they are Australians
We will all be there for them

She may well have a beautiful face
But she can be ugly

Victoria, we pray for you

TAKE IT EASY

I guess the rest of the world just don't know how to take us.

Australians just seem to be able to take a less serious outlook on life. We like to cruise a bit

True Aussie Friendship

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.



2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you then call you a wanker.



3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got a root.



4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you about it every chance I get.



5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit your fucking whining.



6. When you are confused -- I will use little words and talk real slow..



7. When you are sick -- Stay the fuck away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.



8. When you fall -- I will point and piss myself laughing at your clumsy arse.



9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask? 'Because you are my mate'.



Friendship is like pissing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Come on---is life really that serious ?