NO MORE CRAP

OK, this could be offensive to a few people, but basically, GET OVER IT.

In the past two years I have received regular emails warning me that the Muslims are taking over the world
They have ranged from warnings that "they are breeding more children" to "it is the fastest growing religion in the world" and "they are taking over countries by stealth"

If you can read this, you have access to the Internet, so go and read some truths and get over this scare mongering shit that all seems to be emanating from one country.

From the wording of most of these uninformed warnings, it is obvious that a lot of people read some fairly scandalous articles, totally lacking in credible fact, published in the Readers Digest----ooops, should I say that---oh well.

OK, all of the reports and warnings used to say Muslim Fundamentalists but now it suddenly becomes the Muslim religion.
Fundamentalists----what the hell are Muslim fundamentalists-----well fundamentally they are Muslims.
That's like saying Catholics, Seven Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Orthodox Churches are fundamentally Christians----but so are half of the murders and rapists in gaol throughout the world.
So these terrorists happen to be Muslims---it is an enormous leap to say that every Muslim is a terrorist.

But all of these emails and reports seem to want to make us suspicious of everyone who happens to belong to this faith.
And if they don't want to mention the Muslim religion, they say "men of an Arabic appearance"---- Great disguise guys, but you really need to know that a lot of people of Arabic appearance are Christians.

OK, here are some facts for you----look them up----some of these emails have used these facts but they leave little bits out.

There HAS bean an increase of 235% in the number of Muslims in the world---that's a fact---the bit they miss out is that this has been in the past 50 years---and that is directly linked to the birth rate in 3rd world countries where Islam is the dominant faith---they are not going for the 1.5 children per family and also don't have 25 digital channels on their TV.

Islam is the fastest growing faith in France. Yes, that right, but mainly because of immigration---but also the truth is that only 5% of the entire population of Europe are Muslim.

Islam is in 204 of the worlds 238 countries but Christianity is in all 238

In the United States and Australia, the fastest growing religion is Buddhism---so we had better watch out for those guys in robes sounding those noisy gongs---they could bring our countries down.

In the entire world the fastest growing religions are Baha'i with a 2.28% growth and the Zoroastrians with a 2.65% growth---and no, Zoroastrians don't ride black horses and wear masks.

If the people in the USA really think that they are taking over, look in your own back yards---in your population you have 2% Jews but only 1.4% Muslims----I would be more frightened of the power of the Scientologists or those freaky people in Utah who are still waiting for the second coming 50 years after their prophet said he was coming to Salt Lake City.

That Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world is pure myth at best and at worst a deliberate deception of solid statistical facts.

Stop fueling these myths and forwarding on these emails---reply and tell the senders to check their facts---well, go on--Google it

Maybe you will be a little more tolerant and a little less scared

I DON'T CARE

I don't care if you are Christian or follow any other faith.
I don't care if you don't have a faith to follow.

I don't care what colour your skin is
I don't care if you are young or old, tall or short, male or female.

So I guess that is you---and I have a message for you

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May we all have peace and joy.

Oh, and if you tell me when your special day is, I can celebrate that with you.

Oh, and I love you

NAUGHTY & NICE

Every year I do my naughty and nice lists just like Santa.
But I work it the other way around--geez, maybe I could do a deal with Santa on the lists.
So anyone who has been real naughty, I send a Christmas card and an invitation---and those that have been nice all of the year, well, they get a quick email.
I really do like the naughty girls
Well, at least those who might want to be naughty.

Now where was I going with this---bloody wine---oh, yes, I've got it now
I knew that I had something to say.

So every year, I am the first person to send out the Christmas cards and every year I get the same number back
So I thought---are these people just being kind and sending back card for card.
Are these people really friends---do they actually think about me.

I don't have any immediate family and really only keep in touch with one cousin and one second cousin---the rest of the list are "friends"---some of whom, I only hear from once or twice a year.

So this year I am that guy---only sending back cards as I receive them---and then, knowing when the last deliveries will be, sending out cards to all of those on my list to say at least I thought of you.

It is a great time of the year to remember all of your family---even like me---all of those who are no longer with us.
Remember that you will regret---I'll guarantee this---you will regret not being there for any of your family when you no longer can be.
So be there for them now.
Forgive them for any indiscretions
Send them love and joy
It will cost you little but you will gain plenty.

I am lucky this year because my best mate is here from interstate and I will have lunch with him and his family----but the afternoon I will spend on the beach with my dog and remember my family.

Much love to you all

NEVER TOO OLD ?

It is funny that when you are 16 / 17 / 18 / (insert other here )and you have become sexually active (your having it), you think that sex is the domain of the young and you are going to get what you can.

(Sorry, I forgot the Catholics----when you are 32 and have left your mothers house)

Well, young guys are trying to get all that they can and tell all of their mates how well they are doing (liars)--and young girls, petrified by the first experience, are trying to fight off the young blokes and telling their friends that they haven't done it yet.

The one thing that you never want to think about is your parents having sex---no no no, not never no.
But if you look at it, your parents were mid 30s to 40s when you joined this sexual revolution, so there is little doubt that they were comfortably shagging at home in bed when your spotty arse was bobbing up and down in the back of a car.

And worse than that, your grandparents were in their 50s to 60s and they were probably plonking their teeth in a glass alongside the bed and fumbling around under the sheets---granny may have even been giving grandpa a gummy, oh no, not oh shit, that is sick.

But the older you get, you realise that life didn't stop in your teens, twenties or thirties.

An article published this week in the local statewide paper, said that research has shown that one third of Australian men aged between 75 and 95 are still active between the sheets.
Now I'm only guess that they had a partner, because it didn't make that clear, but 95---oooohhhheeee, there is plenty to look forward to.
A further survey of 3274 men found that the frequency might not be there in the 70s, 80s and 90s but there was activity---about half of those sexually active were satisfied with the frequency---so I'm guessing the other half were getting a knock back here and there.

I showed the article to a friend of mine who is the nursing director of a local nursing home. She laughed and said that I would not believe the sexual activity that goes on in nursing homes.
And the best news that she gave me was that the women out number the men by three to one in most nursing homes.

So if you think that your age group is doing better than any other, then maybe you should think again
And if you are thinking that your sex life is coming to an end, maybe think again---well, unless you are 104

And if you are a teenager, yes, your parents are, your grandparents probably are and great grandad is a stud down at the nusing home.

Of course, if you are Catholic--it started at 32 and its all over by 42, so you'll just have to do for yourself and go to confession

WARNING

WARNING---NAKED PHOTOS MAY OFFEND

It has been the coldest, wettest and windiest spring that I can remember.

Usually by November we are looking at mild sunny days with the occasional day of rain and wind----but this year it has been the other way around.
Eastern Australia is still having storms and floods.

But suddenly it's December and in Central Australia Summer has just appeared---and with summer the warnings have started.
Wear a hat
Wear sunglasses
Wear lightweight clothes with long sleeves.
Wear sunscreen
And make sure with children and those adults who cannot apply it to themselves, that you assist in the application of sunscreen



Now that is all good and well but there are times when you really don't want to assist people to apply sunscreen.

Of course there are those sun worshipers who just cant help themselves---and as soon as the sun is out, they want to lay out in the sun to get a tan.

Some people are lucky to have a pigmented skin and don't tan or burn as quickly as those with a pale skin---but they do burn.
A friend of mine has red hair and very fair skin and seems to break out in freckles before she starts to tan.
Personally, I am not going to lay out in the sun to bake and change my skin tone.

And of course the skin cancer warnings are out there again.
Check your spots, check your moles and if anything has a drastic change of colour or size, go and get it checked.

But I have one more warning for all of the guys.

If you are at the beach or near a pool or anywhere where there is a "young lady" sun baking---and you don't know her----and she asks you if you would mind rubbing some sunscreen into her exposed body parts----THINK----use your big brain, not that little one hidden away in your board shorts---THINK---
Do I know this girl ?
Would my partner like me doing this ?
Why would this girl want my hands on her body?

THINK----BE WARNED

WEDDING NIGHT

We all dream that our wedding night will be something special.

OK, I suppose it is that little more special for those who have chosen to save themselves for the big night---well, I'm not so sure.
A lot of people don't perform too well under the stress of great expectation and to tell the truth, most guys are bloody hopeless without a road map or an operation manual.
Now I've turned a girl or two over in my life and I have yet to find operating instructions tattooed on their arse.

Now ladies, you can stop that chuckling and stone throwing and think back to your first time---come on, who took charge.
I have to tell you that it is painful when you try to drive that thing like a stick shift and doing the five finger shuffle with a hand full of nuts can bring the evening to a painful screaming halt.

So if it's gonna be your first time, take your time to explore the terrain, ask questions and answer them honestly, nothing is out of bounds if you both agree and no, you can't use Vick's Vaporub (mentholated heated chest rub) as a lubricant.

OK, well my bride and I decided on a fairly cheap wedding and spend the money on a honeymoon and a home deposit.
It was a great decision, especially when I found out that her debts were bigger than my savings---
Anyway, we got married in the front garden of her parents house and had the reception in the back garden---the weather gods were kind and, OK, I even cried--well, what do you expect from a guy when he standing there talking to his mates and he turns around to see the most beautiful vision in white walking towards him---I don't know about the rest of you at your wedding or another, but it was breath taking and she was there for me.

The day was fantastic---well there was one hiccup but really didn't take much gloss off the day.
There was plenty of food, plenty of booze and a great casual atmosphere.
I behaved very well and had little to drink and just enough to eat---I knew that we were heading for the honeymoon suite and that it should be a special night.

I thought that we would be the first to leave but it turned out that we were among the last
We arrived at the motel---the place was rocking---every car in the park had "Just Married" on one window or another---you could smell it in the air---hormones were running amok and we were about to join the action.
OK, I have to be honest here---this was not going to be our first time---although we hadn't lived together, we didn't miss too many nights---and of course, you cant drive home in that condition.
But we were now married---this was our wedding night----SPECIAL

My beautiful bride wanted the bathroom to herself and I heard a few stumbles in there but out she came---well, I nearly cried again--it was like Christmas---my best ever present was there in the best wrapping I had ever seen and I was going to enjoy unwrapping that very slowly.
I started to undress when my beautiful bride said to me---"Honey, I'm hungry, I want a yiros"----she grabbed me and held me tight and said ---"I'm sorry--I didn't eat much but I drank a lot and I really need something to eat"
What is a guy to do---his pants are around his ankles, he is as horny as you can get, but his loving bride is hungry.
I could have gone for a quickie to take the edge off, but this was our wedding night, so up with the pants, kiss the bride, find the car keys and head off to get her food.
I was only gone for 20 minutes---that motel was still rocking---there was a low sound of the moaning of satisfaction---so I dashed up to our room.
And there she was---my beautiful bride, passed out on the bed snoring her head off.

Normally, I wouldn't have tried to wake her but this was our wedding night and she was so hungry---
Well, the result was
Me sitting out on the balcony eating a yiros listening to the sounds of sex from every direction except from my room---it was snoring like a buzz saw.

OK, there was very good morning sex but the wedding night had gone and nothing was said---
There was some good times but overall they are right.
It starts heading down hill after the wedding night----well, it did for me
But I still like a good yiros

(Yiros---Greek marinated lamb with salad and garlic sauce in a wrap)

DESTINY 2

OK, let's finish this---I have no idea why I stated---blame the booze.

So I've quit from my first full time job and I'd better get hunting for a new one--I still had in my mind that I wanted something in the Maritime industry and someone suggested the State Government---the Harbours Board---they ran the Ports, the wharfs and jetties throughout the State---so I had to make an application to sit a Public Service entrance examination---I did and it was simple.

I was out with a few friends and we may have got involved in a little underage drinking---we got cornered by a group of fairly large young blokes who were hell bent on fighting us over an altercation the previous night----problem was that it was not me or any of my friends involved, but they didn't want to believe us---
I soon worked out that they were Police Cadets from the local academy and basically told them if they took matter into their own hands, that I would front up at the academy the next day and none of them would have a job----with much grumbling, they backed down.

About a week later I got a message that I had my Public Service job and should report to the Courthouse to start work---Courthouse ?, there is something wrong here so I phoned the writer and was told that you just took a job in the Public Service and looked at the internal notice of vacancies every week til you found the job that you wanted----sounded fair to me so I reported for work at the Courthouse.
Nothing came up in the notice of vacancies in the first year and I had developed an interest in the law.
I had learnt respect for the hard job that the Police did and had found out that the large majority of them were great people----but I had also found out that there was a very small minority who were egotistical and would take short cuts in everything that they did
I had a couple of run ins with a young Police Officer stationed next to the Courthouse--I couldn't work out why until another young officer told me that he was a member of the academy group that I had backed down over 12 months before.

I was just getting out of my car in the courthouse car park when the academy boy yelled out to me--I've got you this time---I just followed and timed you for 2/10ths of a mile in St V street and you were speeding and you are booked---I said, "You have got to be joking--there is no way that I was speeding and there was no Police car following me"---He said "I got you in my own car and you're gone"----I gave him all of my details and went back to work----I wrote everything down from times and places to conversations had.
Two weeks later I got a summons to appear in my own Courthouse to answer the dastardly charges----I could plead guilty in writing and not appear, appear and plead guilty or appear and plead not guilty.

My big day came around and I sat in the Courtroom til my name was called---the Magistrate looked up and before the charge was read he said to me "Clyde, you know that you could have pleaded guilty in writing--if you think that appearing in person in front of me will get you any discount, you are wrong---now read the charge to him". The clerk read the charge and I think everyone in the court was taken back by my not guilty plea.
The Magistrate said "Well, that's a surprise but because we work in the same Courthouse and have had some contact, I cannot hear your trial--but one of the Country Circuit Magistrates will be here tomorrow and I will set it down before him--you will have to take the day off from work and attend here with your solicitor---will your solicitor be able to attend tomorrow ?"----the frown on his face only got worse when I said that I intended to conduct my own trial and would not have a solicitor to represent me.

I had a bit of a chuckle when my trial was called on the next day and half of the court staff and the resident Magistrate were sitting in the back of the court.
I had never met the Circuit Magistrate but he gave me the same speech about no favours just because I worked there then asked the Prosecutor to call his first witness----of course there was only one---Mr narky academy boy Policeman.

Through prompting from the prosecutor, he told the court that he was an experienced patrol officer and had experience in following and timing vehicles and apprehending offenders. He told the court how he had followed and timed me from one point in St V street till I turned off at Com Rd----the Magistrate thanked him and asked if I had any questions of the officer.----of course I did.

"Now officer, you have told the court that you followed and timed me from the N street intersection along St V street til I turned off at Com Rd--is that correct?"----Yes"----" Right, now could you tell the court if you can, did I come from further back on St V street or did I turn onto St V street from N street ?"---Yes, you turned onto St V street from N street"----"Thank you, now could you tell the court what sort of Police car you were driving at the time and if you have certification of the accuracy of the car's speedometer ?"----He glared at me and said "You know that I wasn't driving a Police car--it was my own car and the speedometer is accurate"---The Magistrate looked up but before he could speak, I asked the officer "So officer, do you have a certification of the accuracy of your speedometer?"

The Magistrate stopped me there "Clyde, you know that the officer does not have a certificate of accuracy, but if he is confident of the accuracy, we may have to adjust the speed down a little for penalty---now do you have anything else for this officer ?"
The poor bloody cop had a grin on his face from ear to ear almost laughing at me when I asked him " Well officer, have you ever read the Road Traffic Act?"---He smiled and it was almost a grunt as he said "Yes"----"Well officer under section 49 of the Act, you are required to follow me at a constant speed for 2/10ths of a mile--is that correct?"--"Yes, I know what it says"----"OK, thank you officer so do you know what Section 108 says?"
The Magistrate snapped "Yes Clyde, we all know what it says"---"Well sir, in that case, we all know that you have no discretion in allowing a meter that is not certified to be used in a prosecution".
There was a hush--I could see the Magistrates blood pressure rising---some bloody teenage kid had just questioned him on his decision on the law. I could feel myself starting to sweat but I kept my eyes fixed on him--it was like a little light switched on in his head---his fiery eyes glared at me and he said "Well Clyde, I suppose you know what section 55 of the Criminal Law Consolidation Act says?'---"I think so sir, I think it gives the presiding officer the power of general discretions, but it would not apply here"-----"Oh, you are so wrong Clyde, I can apply it where I think fit----so if you have nothing more for this officer, I think we should move on to any summations"
"Sir, I am reluctant to disagree with you but I do have one more thing of this officer"-----"Officer, you followed and timed me at a constant speed from no further back than N street, because we agree that I turned onto St V street from N street--so in turning I could not have been at the speed you suggest and would have to accelerate to that speed and you timed me from there at a constant speed---is that right ?"---"yes, I have already said that"-----"And officer, you would have to agree that I would have had to slow down to turn off into C road"----"Yes, that's right"
"So officer, how far is it from the N street intersection to the C road turnoff?"---The officer looked at the Magistrate who said "Humour him"---the officer looked back and said "I couldn't be sure"---
I couldn't help but smile when I said to him "Would it surprise you to know that it is less than 2/10ths of a mile from one intersection to the next--so if I was accelerating from one and slowing down at the other and the total distance is not 2/10ths of a mile, how did you follow and time me as you have said---oh, and be aware that I have Local Council measurements in my hand and I have one of your fellow officers outside who has measured it for me---so could you have been mistaken?"
The Magistrate called for my measurements to be handed up---stood the officer down from the witness box and called the other officer from outside---he testified to a measurement very close to the Councils certification---both of which were short of 2/10th of a mile.
The Magistrate dismissed the case but couldn't help but tell be that he could have held me for contempt----"Now Clyde, is there anything else"---"Well yes sir, I had to take a day off to appear here on instructions from one of your brother Magistrates so I would like costs in the amount of my days wage"---before the Magistrate could respond, the Prosecutor agreed to the cost so there was no way that the Magistrate could order otherwise.

I was in the office before going home to celebrate my day off and my victory when I got called into the resident Magistrates chambers----the Circuit Magistrate was there and said to me "Son, you need to show a little more respect to the Court"--I couldn't help myself and said "Sir, I have the utmost respect for the Court and for the Law but I have difficulty in respecting those who place their own interpretations on the law pander to their own ego"
Before the resident Magistrate could come to my defence, the circuit Magistrate laughed and said "Son, you have guts, you have a good knowledge of the law and you will go far if you decide to stay on the right side of the law."

So I never applied for that job in the maritime industry---but I did complete all University Certificate Course in the Administration of Justice
And I still like to go into Court and have a little joust with the lawyers and Magistrates---but only when I know the law and know that I am right
I will treat everyone with the respect that their office deserves as long as they extend me the same courtesy.

And no matter what that Police Officer did, I still believe that the overwhelming majority of Officer do a great job and are fair and honest----I wouldn't want their job.