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Friday, 30 January 2009

LIFE IS FUNNY

So out of the blue I get a phone call from my ex next door neighbour of 7 years.

"Hello Clyde, it's MG---do you remember me ?"
"Of course I remember you M---my god, who would forget a very attractive young lady and I only left 3 years ago"
"Thanks Clyde---I'm sorry what happened between you and your ex wife but I think you are better off out of there"
"Thanks M, I am sure you are right and I am divorced and everything is settled---so how is that arsehole of a husband of yours?"
"Ha Clyde, you never did like him and you will be pleased to know that it is all over between us"

Well my ears pricked up---here was this young divorced cutie phoning me---hmmm, I could be in here.

"So Clyde, the reason I'm calling is that I have this girlfriend who is really nice---quite old fashioned---separated for 6 months and is lonely---she is very religious and doesn't get out to meet anyone and I was telling her about you---that you are a nice guy and I would phone you"
"M, that's kind of you but I am not religious and not really into meeting blind dates"
"Look Clyde, what could it hurt---she has a couple of kids---they are away this weekend---she is not into casual sex but she is fun----come on Clyde, do it for me"

"M, what about we get together instead,---I always fancied you"
"No, not now--come on do it for me"
"Ok, M, for you---but you owe me"

So I go and meet this very religious girl and M is not wrong.
She is a nice young lady---attractive, very old fashioned and was actually holding a meeting for some of her fellow church goers when I arrived.
They left soon after but not before I got the third degree from three women.
Our first meeting only took two hours in which time she told me the story of her life---not a lot to tell---and that she wasn't interested in sex or anything casual.
I left her house cursing M for sending me off to some strange creature and was sure that I would never see her again.

I had been home for less than an hour and the phone rang---it was her---she had got my number from M-----I had created some sort of impression---she wanted to see me again----the next night.
Hey, I wasn't doing anything so I thought why not----just one more time.

I didn't even make it to her front door----she was out, grabbed me and with her tongue down my throat had me pinned to the front wall of the house.
She apologised and said she hadn't kissed a man for a long time----took me inside and started setting ground rules of no sex, no booze and it would take her forever to trust anyone again.
She left the room to get us a cold drink and I was planning my escape when she returned, sat on my lap, forced her tongue down my throat and guided my hand to her ample breasts.
Ok,I was a little confused but when she unzipped me and had my cock in her mouth, I just lost the will to think.
We had sex in every position that I knew, on the floor, on the couch, in the kitchen, in her bed----she was loud, she was athletic and she was willing---I was the one calling for God.
Then she shocked me----"Clyde, I've never had it in the arse---I've always wanted to but it's never happened---so if you want to I want it"

Now who am I to disappoint a lady

Her kids were going to be home in the morning so I left in the early hours
I couldn't help but think about her---really I think it was shock---but hey, she was a nice girl and the sex was great.
She phoned me early
She had been thinking and had decided that we shouldn't see each other again and she asked me not to tell M

Ok---why not----a little weird.

M phoned me and apologised for her friend and asked me around for dinner
We had dinner and a few drinks and talked for hours
She said "Clyde, I'm sorry about my friend---I know you have always fancied me---look, you are not really my type but I owe you"
So I got a long night and half a day of passion with M

Why should I complain----a two for.
I have never seen either of them again.
But M did tell her ex husband about our night----

So he had to phone me----
Stupid bastard wanted some sort of payback
M had told me that he was into call girls

So he said to me "Clyde, I bet you didn't know that your ex wife is on the game"
"Well G, actually yes, I did know"
"Yep, I called a service the other night and she came"
I laughed
He said "What are you laughing at Clyde"
'Well G---you are pissed off that I had a great night with M and you want to tell me about my ex----but mate, what you paid for, I used to get for nothing---and she was bloody good-----oh, and so was your ex wife"
Bye G

23 comments:

EmmaK said...

Ha ha ha - the religious ones are the craziest ones eh?

And that comeback you gave to M's ex husband was absolutely brilliant!!

Kathryn said...

Omg, that's hilarious! I don't get those religious weirdos at all but they must be intense. Crazy shiz! A two-for...haha.

Compulsively Yours...for now said...

this is my third time trying to post a comment I will repeat myself once again.


clyde you are the man - the man indeed

Fanny F said...

See..it's the quiet ones that often go off!!

Great story, Clyde. You are the king of comeback lines.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

OMG, that reminds me of my high school senior year Mormon girl friend. Talk about wild and what was so great about being with her was, she could keep up with my libido.

Fabulously written sweetie.

*sigh*

Sex sounds so good right now. :)

Ciao honey..have a fabulous weekend.

Clyde said...

Em

Yep, I was only thinking about this the other day---and your story about going to church---
Maybe I should hang around a church or two

Kathryn

It was crazy
Fantastic sex---she probably headed for confession and I'm gonna burn it hell

Emily

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Oh, it was a great flow
But I did really enjoy pissing M's ex husband off

Fanny

And M is a redhead---oooohhheeee, ya have to love those redheads---
Hmmmm, and you are very quiet
So Sydney isnt really that far

Toni

Oooh, forgot about the Mormons---and they do door to door---just like home delivery

Kathryn said...

Yes. Redheads are quite lovely, I think!

Clyde said...

Kathryn
Oh yes I did notice
I love freckles too
And you still might come and grace our shores

All of the redheads I have met are quite adventurous-----ok, I have to add it---and they seem to be more horny

UBERMOUTH said...

haaaaahaha I had a great laugh over this one! The only one who seems somewhat normal,besides you,of course, is the religious 'prude'.

UBERMOUTH said...

A friend once said to me ,me being a redhead, 'you know what men say about redheads!'
I said,' No, what?'

No one will tell me-tell me Clyde?

Clyde said...

Ah, Uber
It's like fishing without bait---I knew you would come
There are so many things said about redheads----
Like they should be killed at birth.
But I've always been attracted to them
Is it that they have the porcelain skin--or the mutitude of freckles.
Is it that they are colourfull.
But like I have already said, they are usually adventurous---maybe a little tomboyish but usually horny

Kathryn said...

Haha! They should be killed at birth. Kind of think that's a stretch. Although, it might be kinder for some of us then the agony of being a red-headed child.

UBERMOUTH said...

I am very girly in RL and have never been a tomboy. I am very adventurous though and unflinchingly brave-like a true viking. :)

Compulsively Yours...for now said...

why doesnt anyone want to play when I want to play?

Mark said...

Well played that man.

Clyde said...

Emily
I am here to play any time----but when do you want to play ?
OOOHHHH, and what games do you like ?

Clyde said...

Ah Mark
It's that Scottish blood in me
Gives a little devilment

Sister Christian said...

That story is HILARIOUS! I'm guessing that it isn't true, jsut because it's so out there and crazy, however, people are known for doing crazy and unbelievable things.
Either way, it was an awesome read. I need to come by more often!!

Clyde said...

Forgive me Sister for I have sinned
Hey, sorry, this one is real
Good to see you Debra
I thought that you had left us

Jimmy Bastard said...

See me? I actually laughed out loud when I read your post. Classic.

Scottish blood indeed.

Clyde said...

Jimmy
I dinna ken your frivolity

But it sure gave her ex husband shite

Jimmy Bastard said...

Indeed.. it looks very much as though you can take the man out of Clyde, but not the Clyde out of the man. You're a laing way fae hame pal..

Clyde said...

Ah Jimmy
I am hame
Twas my mother a laing way far hame.------but the blood flows---I have a need to come and walk the banks