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Monday, 5 April 2010

RESURRECTION




OK, a little Clyde history lesson.

I grew up in a loving family of four. One brother and two wonderful caring parents.
My brother died young, never having married and having no children.

I married a beautiful woman who had a child from a previous marriage. Our plan was to have at least one more child----well, that was the agreed discussed plan.
After failing to get pregnant for quite some months, my beautiful lady went off to have some medical tests which resulted in me going off for tests----I passed with flying colours but after a few more months, I was asked to try testing again.
I phoned my wife's doctor to get my result but was told that I was not the patient and they could only give my wife the result.
Although he shouldn't have, my wife's doctor phoned me a couple of weeks later----he said he knew he shouldn't tell me but that there was no way my wife would conceive while she still took birth control pills.
I never confronted her---I just hoped that she would change her mind.

She never did and that plus many more factors resulted in a bitter separation and divorce.

My experience made me a little less trusting but I still wanted children and I hoped for a loving relationship-----I still hope but I think I'm past the children stage---unless the lovely lady already had children to bring into any relationship.

Both of my parents have died since, so I am a family of one---oh, except the beautiful dog laying at my feet.

Eight years ago I had a relationship with a girl 20 years my junior who I had met through work.
It was her instigation---I was reluctant at first but she was very insistent.
Caroline was young, beautiful, forward, horny and I was alive.
The relationship lasted just on 8 months but finished as abruptly as it started---she walked out one day to spend a weekend with her mother and never came back.
There was no explanation, there was no fight----she just left and didn't want to talk----she got angry if I contacted her so I just had to leave it as a mystery of life.

On Friday I ran into an old work mate----I hadn't seen him in 7 or 8 years---we talked for hours when he came up with a great revelation----it was so off the cuff, I don't know where it came from----but there it was.
"So Clyde, are you the father of Caroline's son?"

I had no idea that he knew Caroline or that I had a relationship with her.
Turns out that his partners' sister is Carolines best friend and that he knew everything about us----including Caroline giving birth in a period of time that could count me in for fatherhood.
He also knew that the child's birth was registered without a father and that Caroline insisted that she didn't know who it was and had claimed to have a few partners around the time of our break up.

So tell me where I stand now.
The few times over the years that I have tried to contact Caroline, she has become very angry.
When someone from work contacted her in relation to another official matter, she accused them of phoning on my behalf and accused me of stalking.

I cant force this matter----how much of a stalking wanker would I be to try to interfere with her life now.
How could I join in now even if I was the father of her son-----he hasn't known a father----it would not be fair on him---it's not fair on her----how would she explain it to him.
I am almost a desperate to find out-----even just knowing would satisfy me---but I am sure that she wouldn't tell me now.

I have a lot to think about
I'd given up on fatherhood, but maybe I am.

29 comments:

The Invisible Seductress said...

This breaks my heart. It really does. I am sorry to hear about this and I hope that you get the answers that YOU deserve. You did not say that....you are worried about what they feel/need but YOU DESERVE to know!! In this messed up world I have a son that the father has never seen, never wanted. And I long for him to have that role model. What a shame this kid is going to miss out on having you in his life..

HUGS

Jimmy Bastard said...

Enjoy what you have my friend, not what you cannot.

Clyde said...

Invisible

I don't know if I deserve any more than I have.
I not sure about deserve
How can a father never want to see a child----I don't care about the resposibility aspect---how could you not want to see your blood.
If I can see him from afar it will be better that never at all----and I can make allowance in my estate for him
Thanks for the hug---I needed that

Clyde said...

Jimmy

Good and well, but family wise, I have nothing.
I know you and you would have the same thoughts as me---you have a big loving heart---sorry to blow your cover

Ponita in Real Life said...

Oh Clyde! What a horrible situation to be flung into. She obviously used you to get pregnant and then left when she got what she wanted. She didn't want a father for her child... she wanted a sperm donor.

I can only say, that if it was me in your position, I would try to see the boy. He's your flesh and blood and it's not like you chose to have nothing to do with him. And in the long run, it's only fair that he know where he came from. He'll have questions later in life, of that you can be certain.

Here in Canada, the biological parent has a legal right to be part of a child's life. It's terribly difficult to enforce, I am sure (I know someone who was in a similar situation to yours - he tried to get visiting rights but she kept him away and he didn't find his daughter again until she was 18. Now, at 23, she's a mess just like her mum.).

I don't know what you should do, hon. This is an extremely tough and delicate situation. Even if you don't get in touch with him now, perhaps as he gets a little older you can figure something out.

{{hugs}}

Clyde said...

Ponita

I know that I have rights.
I don't know that I am the father--that makes it even harder to work out what to do.
I don't want to offend anyone---I don't want to upset this boy's life.
Maybe I should just leave it with her best friend, that I am there if he wants to find out

savannah said...

i feel for y'all, sugar. to know what y'all want is out there, but be unable to be part of his life has to be more than heartbreaking. i hope y'all are getting some legal advice. xoxoxo

Clyde said...

Savannah

Oh, I really don't need any advice from anyone else in the law---been there long enogh myself--.
I don't feel it's a question of my legal rights, just what is morally right for this child and his mother

Just telling it like it is said...

Clyde: I am so sorry and feel so bad for you. The weird thing is that she is so insitant that you are out of her life. I can't tell you what is best for you or him..but children need to know where they come from and truthfully she really might not know who the father is thus making her feel guilty and not want to face the truth about her child and who the father is...My heart goes out to you..listen it is never to late and especially for you becaus although men's sperm might decrease in movement as they age they are still able to have children unlike women...women can still have children up to 45 with some possible birth defects but Nothing says that it will happen to you..so I say never give up on a dream!

Ponita in Real Life said...

The only way to be sure is a DNA test.

But yes, your idea of leaving it with her best friend to tell him if he starts asking... that would be the way to go.

Or... You could always get the best friend to snag some hair from a brush he uses... should be a few follicles on there. If they match you, then you have your answer.

It's tough for you, that's all I know...

Sister Christian said...

Wow.
All I can say is that she should have at least let you know what was going on instead of disappearing like that. Totally uncalled for.
As for the stalker thing, I know a thing or two about stalking behaviour and you calling her up a couple times (especially when there's a child that you possibly fathered involved) DEFINITELY isn't stalker behaviour.
If this child is yours, it doesn't matter how many years you've been out of his life. You have the right to see him and spend time with him.
As a person who hasn't known her birth father and having a step-father who walked out after a decade of being with my family, it's not easy.
I know my birth father is out there and he knows I exist. He knows where I live. But he doesn't say a word.
And that weight of a mystery is a burden that only a father can remove.

Sister Christian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mapstew said...

Sorry to hear this pal.

I really would have to think a lot about what to do if I were in this situation.

Clyde said...

Just

I cant really understand the instant change from relationship to out of my life, with no cause in the middle----I'm guessing on the generation gap.
If I had known about her son sooner, I would be insisting on knowing my relationship but he is now 7 years old---what would he think.
As much as I would love to have a child now, I think it would be unfair on a child to have an older father----my father was 40 when I was born--he didn't participate very much in my social or sporting life---I missed that

fingers said...

I suppose you can petition the court for a paternity test and show them your reasonable belief that you are the father but what will it achieve ??
It sure won't float Caroline's boat I'm guessing. Jesus, what a pickle.
I had the same issue with my wife, viz a viz the doctor's results. He told me that XXX had 'an insufficient uterus and that if she had a kid it would be a miracle'.

I wasn't listening properly and thought he said 'a fish in her uterus and that if she had a kid it would be a mackerel'...

Clyde said...

Ponita

I've never been in a relationship that is not based on honesty---so what ever I do will be up-front

Clyde said...

Sister Deb

Well you have the experience to give me the child's point of view.
It has to be hard on you, knowing that your dad knows you exist and hasn't fronted up----what would you do now if he did ?---it's hard.
Yep, I know I'm not stalking and have no intention of doing so.
Hmm, maybe I should be your father---definitely someone I could be proud of

Clyde said...

Stew

Not something I'm going to jump one way or the other very quickly.
A lot of thinking to be done

Clyde said...

Fingers

Exactly right---I can force the issue but should I.
I might end up knowing but what sort of relationship do I end up with.
Hey, a hard thing to find out that your wife can't or won't have your child---but the way our marriages ended up, maybe it was a good thing

Sister Christian said...

If he came around now, I wouldn't walk away. I'd want to get to know him. Wouldn't be easy, but I guess it's better than letting another day go by without having known him for the past 21 years.
You are definitely a sweet heart and anyone would be blessed to have you as a father.
That fatherly pride of yours might be just what that little boy needs.

Clyde said...

Sister Deb

I'm glad that is your attitude.
It doesn't matter what anyone else has said to you, you don't know his story.
There maybe plenty of what he thinks, are good reasons not to be there.
It would be great for you to see the other half of who you are.
He would be a very proud man when he saw who you have become--a very lucky man.
Hmm, if you are ever up for adoption, let me know

tehkorah said...

Clyde,

Man, oh man, have I missed quite a bit, eh? Yes, I'm back for a bit. I have sincerely missed your posts. Unfortunately and fortunately, life has been busy and I have been trying to fill it with all the things I have been meaning to get done. It puts a little damper on my own personal time though, so I take advantage where I can (in this case, at 3 in the morning).

It is frightening how I can read one of your posts and immediately identify with your mood. You have the right to at least know one way or another.

Listen, I'm sorta on the other side of the same coin: I met a man, frightening similar circumstances (he was 10-12 years my major) about almost 9 years ago and he took my breathe away.
He was there for me during a time of great confusion for me; I was unsure of myself but very much ready to learn about my sexuality.

When I came to like him too much, I found out that he was married and that one night of indiscriminate passion can lead to a pregnancy.
I have since then lived my life in peace with my daughter, but politely asked him when I found out not to interfere.

This I did thinking that it was the best for both of us; I didn't want him to leave his wife for me, and I wanted to have a life of my own with my child. Sometimes, I wonder how it would have been had I let him into my life, and threw aside my fears.

Good luck, in any case, and don't let the fear of rejection keep you from hoping to know the truth; just keep in mind, she may not have the truth you want to hear.

Sending you my love, unconditional ~
XO
Caro

Clyde said...

Caro
Good to see you back---you're looking good for a 3am visit.

Sweetheart, it is exactly how I would hop it would go----if she didn't want to know me anymore, at least tell me and give me a chance to financially contribute to her life and the knowledge that I have someone of my blood.
I can't force my way into her or his life----that is not fair and I need to tell her that.
I need for her to know that I wont interfere if she cant let me in.
But I need to make sure that both he and she are provided for in my estate

Hope you don't run away for so long

Thanks for you thoughts n love
Stay safe and love that little girl

Venom said...

I feel for you Clyde, I really do. It's your right to sue for a paternity test and, if it should be so, for visitation with your child. You would be a positive addition to his life - no child wants to go through life without a father. Unfortunately, the person doing the choosing is shorting both your child AND you, and one day that child will resent her for it. If you sue, at least the child will know that you WANTED to be in his life, and you can show an open door to him in case he should decide to walk through on his own at some point in the future.
I'm sending a big ((HUG)) your way Clyde; let us know how this plays out.

p.s. Flash won his first start last week, so up a class for this week and hoping for a 3rd. or 4th.
Cross your fingers for me!!

Dutch donut girl said...

What a horrible, horrible way to find out you (potentially) have a child! Good lord, what a dillema.
Yes, you deserve to know if that boy is yours, but then what?
Is she married? Does her son have a father figure in his life?

Sigh.. every boy needs a father, but do your best to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the possibility that this child isn't yours.

Gosh, this must be terribly confusing, to suddenly have this land in your lap.

Take care and don't give up on that dream of becoming a father. I'm sure you would make a great father.

xoxo

Clyde said...

Venom

You should change your name---too much heart there.
Hey, I have to think that this girl has raised her son without interferance so far and with no fonancial contribution---she has a lot of rights and has been very brave and very loving.
So, suing is not an option
Maybe I am a father and maybe not---I'm not sure after this amount of time I deserve anything.
I would love to know but then again I love to dream--
Maybe I should jus include him in my estate to let him know that someone cared.
Good luck with Flash
I'm looking at buying a horse in my state to send him to another state---he is nearly handicapped out of our limited racing here but has a lot of chances in another stae---and I love to visit that state
My mare produced a magnificent colt for her new owners and is in foal again

Clyde said...

Donuts

No, she is not married, nor does she have a partner----I'm not sure of the father figure bit.
I think every child needs a father figure but I'm not sure of my abilities---I am sure of my love.
I am sure that your father is a very proud man----maybe I can be that proud--
Mine or not, maybe I can assist him to be all that he can be.
Life was simple a few months ago

Just telling it like it is said...

Children can handle change more than you think...hey ...give me your stats...I am looking to have another child before my uterus goes baren

Clyde said...

Just

A lot to consider---not just a child but a mother of a child

Geez, what an offer---but sweets, you should share with someone you love or at least respect as a very good friend---
OOOH, I've gone weak at the knees