Monday, 27 August 2012


If you have read here before, you will know that I have more than a passion for horses and their problems.
And like every other being on this earth, there is no one size fits all remedy when it comes to problems or quirks.

A couple of months ago, I ran into an old work friend at an other friends house. She told me that her husband had invested in a share in a race horse and that it was racing the next day and that their trainer was very confident of its chances.
Of course, I like racing and I like a bet, so I turned up at the racecourse for the big event.
Even with the assurance of the trainer, I only had a modest bet on the horse and walked down about 200 yards down the track to watch the race.
Their horse was 4 lengths in front as it passed my vantage point and coasting and should have won easily but stopped very badly to finish 4th.

I walked down to the stalls to see my friend and her husband. Everyone was very disappointed and the trainer was at a loss to explain the horse stopping so quickly. He was talking to the syndicate of owners when the strapper brought the horse back from hosing it down and stood him in front of them to show how good he looked----and he did look good except for one thing.
I asked my friend if I could talk to the trainer and she brought him over and introduced us.

I said that it was none of my business but that he should lift the horses tail and look.---he laughed but lifted his tail to find the horses arse open wide----he looked at me and said "What the hell is that?"
I said "Sorry, but that is the sign of a wind sucker and wind sucking will stop a train between stations, let alone a horse under full racing stress"
Wind suckers with gulp down air for relief of stress or stomach complaints and under stress will expel it like an exhaust, weakening their performance.

My friend phoned me a week later to tell me that a vet had recommended that they sew the horses arse up on race days and unstitch it after the race-------of course he did----he can make money every race day----but what happens when the horse wants to poop---and you cant sew it just before a race.
I told her that there were such things as wind sucking pads which are like a big cork with a sponge pad around it and pulled in tight by straps and elastic webbing attached to the saddle----and it can be moved aside for the horse to poop-----but some horses resent it and others will open up even wider and you still get the weakening.
They tried the pad and not only did he resent it, but he opened wider----so they decided to stitch him up for the next run.-----looked good til he split his stitches and stopped even quicker.

My friend phoned me and said they were going to retire the horse---there was nothing left to try.
I couldn't help myself---I phoned the trainer and asked if he would let me try something---it was unconventional but legal and I thought I could stop him opening up for a couple of runs.
He said he had heard of some of my strange methods and that the horse was fit, so he was prepared to give him one more run---but that was it. He asked me what I wanted to do.
Now its hard to convince people to trust in strange things but I talked him into doing his normal thing with his training and letting me into the horses stall on race day.

So we all turned up last Saturday---I told the horses strapper to walk him for as long as he could in the exercise parade ring and hope that he would empty out---and then take him to the urine stall "horse toilet" for one last try.
When he brought him back to the stall, the trainer started to saddle him up ready for his race. I pushed past the trainer, lifted the horses tail and did my trick----the horse shuffled forward and the trainer just looked at me like I was some sort of pervert.
I just prayed that he didn't need to poop again before his race.

He didn't and as he passed me 200 yards from the winning post, he was going strong, and he went strong all the way to the post.
There was much yelling and back slapping and I stood back and watched their celebrations.
There was a lot of talk about the next start and stronger races and next season and all of the dreams of racehorse owners
I didn't want to shatter their dreams, so I walked away

I was in the bar having a drink when the trainer came in. He walked over and bought me a drink.
Finally he asked---"so what were you doing behind my horse?"
I reached in my pocket and gave him a piece of plastic food wrap and said "Smell it"

I had peeled an onion, lightly grated the surface and wrapped it up---and just before he went out to race, I jammed it in the horses arse----with that onion leaching juice, that horse puckered all the way to the winning post.

I said to the trainer "Don't worry, he'll spit it out----and it might work again but it wont keep on working---so it's up to you"

See, who needs a Vet when you can buy an onion at any supermarket---and you can re-use the food wrap
Oh, and it's not the first time I've used that little trick


Chef Files said...

My dear sir, after I peeled each layer of this delightful tale I could hardly hold back from soiling my undergarments with laughter.

Now.... about the money you owe me? It's only right seeing as how I had a 50 - 1 sure thing on the nag in the next stall without the onion up its arse!.

phishez said...

You know, I hve heard about that trick before.

Anonymous said...

Ive said it before these stories should be published, love them. TonyB

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