Clyde

ALONE AGAIN

2011-12-31T23:32:00.000+10:30

Well here it is, New Years Eve and I'm alone again.

Not really alone, rather I chose to be at home with my dog.
There is always fireworks on New Years Eve and dogs just dont like them.

But I have this strange dog who will sit on my feet and quiver during thunder or fireworks but if I take her outside where she can see the lightening or the sky lit by fireworks, she is quite content.

So we have a bottle of champagne, one glass and a dogs lead at the ready and we will be off to the beach to see the new year in.

Maybe it will be a lucky night
A couple of years ago half my champagne was consumed by teenage skinny dipping girls, running from the water to drink.
My dog didnt mind---she went swimming with them---and of course, I didn't object to the sight of naked young girls.

I doubt that will ever happen again, but I can dream.

Happy New Year to you all----I wish you all well and hope that this next year will bring you health, joy, contentment, and love.
If you wanted wealth, good luck with that---somehow, I think we have to work for it.

If you have love, you are wealthy beyond all dreams

See you on the other side

Party like there is no tomorrow---it will get here---see you on the other side

BELIEFS

2011-12-07T23:53:00.000+10:30

Yes, it is me and my older brother and I did believe in Santa Claus

I'm not sure when I stopped believing or why I stopped.
Was it that I already knew but it was easier to get things from my parents if I asked Santa.
I do remember getting into trouble with a neighbour when I told one of their younger children that there was no Santa.

Are our beliefs only there to comfort us and when they dont work to our advantage, then we change.

I went to Presbyterian Sunday School and had a belief in a God and maybe a Jesus---I really dont recall.

I'm not sure if I had a second comming of belief in my teen years when I went to church youth meetings or if it was just that I just liked a few of the girls there---ok, one girl---hello Julie Pender

A Monsignor of the Catholic Church told me one day, that he thought that a lot of people who went to a "House of God" every sunday, only went to be seen by others and a lot who stayed at home had God in their heart and their house..
Do those who go, think that they are in the fast lane to something good ?

I had some sort of belief in a God until my brother died.
If there was a God, why would he let such a good man suffer and why would he let him die so early.
Why would such a God let bad things happen to children.

So I say that I dont believe---but every now and again, I yell at him on the beach and want answers to some questions----but he never answers.

Dont get me wrong. If you have a belief and that belief gives you some joy, I am happy for you.

It's funny that Chistians and Muslims believe in the same God, but they take their teachings from two diferent books written by men---and because those men had opposing views, then there is two opposing religions----and funny, it is a belief in the writings of men that make two groups have an opposing view on the same piece of history---
Hey guys, I might be right but I respect your right to believe.

If you believe in Santa, may he bring you everything you may wish for.
If you believe in God, may he answer your prayers

But no matter what you believe, may we all have peace, may you all have happiness, but most of all, may you be tolerant of the needs and beliefs of others

PLANNED TO BE LUCKY

2011-11-18T20:24:00.000+10:30

I really dont know why things clicked early in my life, but I had this idea that I needed long term plans and goals.
They all seemed easier and cheaper to achieve if there was plenty of time allowed.

At the age of 17, I chose to invest in superanuation for my retirement and I made a decision to invest in a pension scheme, rather than a lump sum payout scheme. Somehow I worked out that the large lump sum at 17 wouldn't look that large when I reached 60, but if I was paid a fortnightly sum based on a percentage of my retiring salary, then I might be getting value at current day levels.

When my marriage ended, my ex-wife made sure that there was not a lot left for me in divorce property settlement. There was just enough for a deposit on a new house, but I chose to invest that in blue chip shares with dividend reinvest options and took to working four nights a week and weekends, beside my five day a week job.
Two years later I bought a house with a lot bigger deposit and still had my investment

My brother died young and I got a sum of money from his estate. I could have paid it off my house mortgage but chose to invest in another blue chip, reinvest dividend scheme that I was warned against by a financial planner.

Nine years ago, I built a new house. For me, it could have been a lot smaller, but I couldn't help but look at resale value and the off chance of a partner with a family.

Two years ago, I paid my house off and at the age of 60, my superanuation scheme matured and having saved my long service leave entitlements, I could retire from work with a substantial payout for that leave and claim my superanuation pension.

I laughed when I found out that my fortnightly pension with a retirement taxation bracket and no longer contributing to my superanuation scheme, wopuld actually be more than my final working day salary.

I am lucky. Not having to cash my investments actually means that because of the world wide financial crisis, I am accumulating more shares at a lesser price from my dividends and I have no doubt that they will regain their value.

I wanted to be in Scotland by now, to visit my mothers birth place and there is a couple of people there who I would like to meet---and of course, Ireland---there is a guy there I want to meet.
But if I wait two and a half years, I will be at official retiring age and get a government pension and a few worthwhile perks.---And I can cash one of those investments and make it a big trip.

So looking ahead and planning a few things, can make you lucky

And comming here occasionally, I am lucky to meet some very nice people

MY JOB ATE MY LIFE

2011-10-16T22:11:00.000+10:30

All through my life I have never been one to have a big circle of friends.

At school it was always one or two friends, but a lot of school friendships.
From the age of 7, I was always friends with one guy
We went through different sporting careers, ran with different groups but we always came back together as that friend that you can always depend on.

He joined the airforce and was posted to interstate and overseas bases, but we always kept in touch
I went on with life with friends from sport and from work and I had another life with my horses and made friends there, but in the end, they seemed to move on when things changed.
I still see a lot of them but they are more acquaintances than friends.

I got married and moved to another area---all of our friends seemed to be my wifes's family or friends of their family.
For six years I did not see my school mate because of an argument between wives.
I worked two jobs to buy a house and make things more comfortable in my married life.

My marriage ended and so did all of the friendships from that time but luckily my old school friend was there for me----
I lost my house and most of my money in a fairly bitter divorce---bitter I suppose because she wanted everything including my dog and didn't care what she did or said to get it
The only thing that was never mentioned was my retirement insurance (superanuation)----so I never mentioned it and gave her the rest.

My life was turned on it's head so I turned to work to try to re-establish myself and unfortunately got lost in working.
I worked all of the overtime that I could get and worked nights and weekends to get myself back on top.

I made it---I bought a house, I bought a new car and had my finances back in very good order.
The only thing I forgot to do was to socialiize with people from work or make time to find and establish friendships.
Yes, I made a lot of work friends, but they were work friends---friends at work and the occasional work function

My school friend was still there and once out of the airforce, ended up working with me----we drove home every night together.
A strange, lonely married girl came into my life and we became very good friends---she lived close to me and our regular friday night involved a few hours at a local bar with her and my best mate.

My school friend, my best mate, always wanted to move to one of our warmer northern states, but for years we talked about retiring together, playing very bad golf and travelling together---his wife was happy with that because Europe did not interest her and she was happy to get him out of the house occasionally.
But two years before retirement, he bought a block of land in one of those warmer states and ended up retiring a year before me and moving to his new home.
The friday night drinks stopped when the strange girl left her husband and moved away.

I didn't really notice til I retired that working those long hours had left me with no social life and only work mates---and of course, my work mates are still at work.

Yes, I holiday in the northern state with my friend and I often talk to the strange girl, but I realise now that they are my only real friends in life.

Yes, it is a good feeling to own your own home and to have enough money to live on, but it would be a lot more enjoyable with friends.

Dont forget every aspect of your life---money isn't everything

USEFUL INFORMATION

2011-09-14T23:46:00.000+09:30

Q:�Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
A:�Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q:�What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
A:�Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q:�Someone has told me that
menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?

A:�Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass
all the way to Egypt."

Q:�How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
A:�Tell him you're pregnant..

Q:�How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
A:�Take off your glasses.

Q:�Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:�Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q:�Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A:�Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q:�Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:�Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q:�As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:�Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q:�Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:�On their foreheads.

BE PREPARED

2011-09-11T23:24:00.000+09:30

There are so many things in our lives that we have to prepare for.

We start preparing from very early in life----that big preparation to leave your mothers side and go to school----the preparation (study) for exams at school---that preparation of taking the right courses at school to be ready for that chosen profession.

There is nothing more certain in life than death and taxes.
No matter what we do, we will pay some Government levy---hey, they find some way of getting it out of you.

But do we prepare well enough for the biggest certainty in live.

Ok, you're going to tell be that you have a will, but is it up to date and is it good enough to ensure that your intended beneficiaries actually get the desired benefit with the least fuss and cost.
Does your will have a flow on clause on the off chance that a beneficiary actually dies before you.

The fact is in most of the western world, if you die without a will, your estate will go to your nearest living relative.
My brother died without a will, so his estate should have gone to my parents. The problem with that was that they were on means tested government pensions which would have been reduced by a percentage because of their new found funds.
Luckily I could get them to sign away their entitlement to my favour and I could siphon the funds to them as they required anything. But that took some time and me engaging the services of an estate paralegal---luckily I was friends with the Registrar of Probates for my State and did not need a solicitor for my advice.
Because of the experience, I queried that my parents had good binding will and discovered that like a lot of people from their era, they had will made with a trustee company. I other words, these companies administer the estate of deceased and take a percentage fee for doing so---
In my parents case they had what is called reciprocal wills---each left their estate to the other except if their partner predeceased them, then it went equally divided to their surviving children.
That's fine and simple except my mother would have incurred a debt when my father died to pay the trustees percentage fees and I would have a similar debt when my mother died.
It is cheap to do a will with a trustee company but not so cheap on the beneficiaries----and unfortunately they are black and white---so if you have 5 benificiaries to receive equal value and you have not stipulated any other divisions, then all of your estate must be sold and divided equally----so no one gets granny's ring or the piano from the parlor unless they buy it back from the estate public auction.

The first thing I did after my divorce was finalised was to make a will----because it doesn't matter that you are divorced, you ex spouse can claim to be your nearest living relative and claim your estate.

Look, I'm not going to tell you that will kits are dangerous---hell, they are better than nothing and most of us have someone who we can trust to administer the terms of the will and not try to rip everyone off.
But if you dont want the fights to happen and the whys to be asked and debated, get an estate lawyer to draw up your will and for a fairly modest fee, get them to administer it for you----and for god sake, tell your spouse/family/friends where they will find your will.

Oh, and funeral insurance is not worth having---the premiums will increase as you get older to a point where it becomes unaffordable and it is not a savings bond---dont pay a weekly/monthly premium and it is void---
If you want to purchase a prepaid funeral, do it through a reputable funeral director and it will be a dividend earning bond there for a fully paid funeral.
If you have your will in the hands of an efficient solicitor, your family wont have to worry about funeral costs because your solicitor can negotiate that the costs are an equal division for your estate.

Hey, morbid, maybe, but a guarantee that one day your beneficiaries will collect.

Mine---well ok, I'm single and have no children---so the 1st beneficiary is my dog with her own money and I already have someone who will take her with or without her inheritance, then the rest has percentage divisions between friends and a friend's children.

So make sure that you are ready----it doesn't take too much planning

Oh, one of you is in my will

765

2011-09-10T23:10:00.000+09:30

765

Amazing, I could not believe it, but there they were, 765 of them

I have been trying to get my account to operate properly for some time now.
I have been unable to comment on some of my favourite blogs and at times, even reply to comments on my own blog, so I have been tinkering around trying to come up with a solution.

Maybe close down and restart, but why should I-----so yesterday I thought that I would go through by blog from the very start
Hey, I even enjoyed reading a few comments til I came to one post that had 277 comments-----277, never had more than 50 comments ever, so I checked them.
There over a period of time in foreign languages, mainly Asian and Arabic were inane remarks with links to other sites.
I started to delete them singularly at the post comment site but it would have taken forever, so I resorted to the comment section of my dashboard and found 765 of these comment posts littered through three years of posts.

I dont know if any of this will help my situation but I cant help but wonder why people take the time to come to a public forum and litter it with absolute rubbish----and maybe infect the forum

I have removed all 765 posts and please dont worry that I might infect you---I have disinfected my keyboard and I am wearing rubber gloves to type

SIGN OF THE TIMES

2011-09-01T22:41:00.000+09:30

There is no doubt that technology has taken over this world but has it come just a little bit too far.

For those of us who were a little bit shy and extremely inexperienced with those of the female gender, it was a daunting experience to actually ask out that girl who you fancied.

There wasn't the thought of first base or second base, it was more the hope that she might actually go out with you-----
Of course you could phone her but her mother or father normally answerred the phone and put you through the inquisition before you could talk to her and then if she said yes, you had to pick her up at her parents door and suffer the glares of her parents and little brother.

Of course you could approach her face to face but she was usually surrounded by her girlfriends and a knock back was usually amplified by the number of her girlfriends and of course you couldn't ask them out because they knew that they weren't your first choice.

But then technology made it so easy----every girl has her own phone----and you don't even have to talk to her, you just send a text message and see if she replies----the embarrassment factor has gone.

How easy has technology made things for young guys----well even easier when it is now appropriate for a girl to ask a guy out.

But now here it is----you dont phone, you dont send a text message, you sent a photo of your genitals to a girl and if she reciprocates you are at second base before reaching her front door.
And if she doesn't and shows the photo to her friends, you might receive a reply from one of them.
Or you end up with your bits on a facebook page.

Whatever you think, sexting is the new big thing of the world.
Personally, I have never given it a try----some might say at my age that it is just as well.

But I must say that I am not adverse to receiving and mail---oh, except from the guys---no non no

BAD BLOOD

2011-08-29T23:06:00.000+09:30

Health wise, I have lived a pretty charmed life, especially for a guy who still smokes far too many cigarettes.

Unlike most guys that I know, I made a decission some years ago, that it was a good idea to actually go to a doctor whenever I was suffering from unexplained symptoms.
Actually I have always been moderately careful since having a malignant growth cut from my arm at the age of 12------but a lot more alert since my brother died of cancer at the age of 44.

So since that time I have a full check up every year and every three years I let some surgeon take a magical mystery tour through my colon----my father had two bouts of colon cancer and my brother died of secondary cancers to an advanced colon cancer.

Last week I made my appointment with my local doctor to have my check up. He was quite amazed with his initial findings from an aging smokers body but of course was obliged to give me the mandatory anti smoking lecture----I didn't have the heart to tell him that I smoked twice as much as I was prepared to declare to him. He then passed me over to a pathology nurse to take sufficiet blood to do a myriad of tests.

Now this lady was not young and I'm guessing that she had a fair bit of experience in her field, but she had great difficulty in extacting blood from me---said it was my fault---I should drink more fluids and doctors should tell fasting patients to drink plenty of water before presenting to have blood taken---she tried both arms at the inner elbow and my right wrist but extracted a minimal amount---she told me how good she was and divided the sample into three and said that it would be sufficient.

Two days later I received a phone call advising me to come and see my doctor as soon as possible---the caller was the nurse at the doctor's practice so I asked if my blood results were that bad----she said that they weren't good, so I asked her to get another pathology form from the doctor so that I could get more blood tested at another pathology firm---I told her of my experience with the pathology nurse and how small the samples would have been-----she told me to come in straight away and she would take the blood for testing.
She was shocked to see the bruising in both elbows and my right wrist but miraculously extracted plenty of blood for all of the tests to be done.
She called me two days later and asked that I come and see the doctor, but at my leasure.

The doctor was amazed at the two tests----said he was very worried at my acidic levels in the first test and how fast my blood had coagulated during testing----but the second test showed everything was fine except my colesterol levels----funny about that Doc, but I have an underactive thyroid and take medication for it---he looked at my records and smiled.
You see, if you have an underactive thyroid, no matter if you are on medication, your colesterol levels are elevated naturally.

The doctor did tell me that if he was guided by my initial blood test, he would think he was working on a man with kidney and liver failure and that my life expectancy was minimal---
Lucky I had that second test

There is nothing like a second opinion

SIGN OF THE TIMES

2011-08-19T00:20:00.001+09:30

Political correctness has changed advertising and publications over the years, but sometimes I do wonder if it is for the better.

Sure, I dont think that household appliances should be advertised as something for the "little woman" or that cigarettes should be advertised as cool but I do worry about some things that are now agressively advertised that never saw the light of day in the past.

Not so much for the product or the indended audience, but for the children who see these adverts and for their parents who have to answer the child's questions.

How do you explain the uses and needs for condoms to a 9 year old and what do you say to your son about tampons and pads with wings----

Maybe that is not so bad in todays liberal community and I dont believe in lying to children---but OK, try to explain pads for urinary incontinence or what prostate problems are..

Advertising is a great way to get information to people---and can be very comforting to some people who have been suffering in silence, thinking that they have an unusual problem, but in the hands of children can be very confusing.

Did you know that untreated premature ejaculation can lead to impotence ?
Well, to a young guy just starting the adventure of his life, this is a very scary inaccurate statement, but important information for someone later in life.

That is the problem with a lot of advertising today----it is accurate in the right circumstance but can cause unwarranted fear to others who are in another circumstance.

The question to women of "Do you have trouble reaching orgasm?" can have a medical remedy if you are sexually active mature woman--but if you are 16 it is more likely that your boyfriend only last 25 seconds and isn't worried about you.

So its fine to advertise everything, but know that your message is reaching an audience with more questions than you are answerring---and that you are leaving some very uncomfortable parents to answer some of those questions.

Oh, and it used to be that young boys would hide a magazine that they got from some neighbour or friend---it could usually be found under the matress in their bedroom or they would smuggle it into the toilet for some one on one time----but kids today have it so much easier---they just covet the ladies underwear section from the variety chain store.
Ok, the girls probably take the mens underwear section.

At least we are not teaching kids that owner operator action will send you blind----well, I haven't seen that advert yet

COMFORT ZONES

2011-07-29T22:15:00.000+09:30

All through our lives we find situations that allow us to feel comfortable and at peace with the world.

Sometimes it is as simple as a place that we like to visit that we either enjoy or feel at peace by just being there----it can be that place we like to escape to when other things in our life seem to be in a state of turmoil.

If you have had a good relationship with your parents, just visiting them or being in the "safety" of their home can make the worries of the world just disappear.
Of course, your parents visiting you in your home and staying for some time can have another result.

And your home can be your comfort zone
Especially if after turmoil living with others, you live alone and have your own routines.
Sure, at times it can be lonely, but the advantages of being able to do what you want, when you what and even with whoever you want seem to out weigh everything else.

Either you haven't been here before or you are blind Freddie to not know that I get a lot of comfort from walking on the beach with my dog.
Our walks are always relaxing and even though we are usually alone, we are always in great company-----funny how you see more or hear more and appreciate your surroundings more when you are just strolling though life.

Barring a few short relationships, I have lived alone for quite some time.
I am comfortable living alone
I eat what and when I want---I sleep what ever hours I want---I watch whatever television I want----I surf the net and visit whatever sites I want----I walk the house dressed or undressed as I want----I am comfortable in my life and in my house.

A couple of years ago, a girl came to work in my office on a casual basis--although very bright and pleasant, she had a sadness about her which seemed to be tearing her apart.
Being single and attractive, she soon became the target of mostly unwanted attention and enquiries. She seemed to be more comfortable in my company and confided a little of her past history.
She had spent some years in the Navy as a university educated officer but had been subjected to some fairly nasty inuendo because of her gender (nothing like the old boys clubs in the armed forces) and although not discharged, her active service had been suspended on medical grounds.
She had been married and had a child and lost custody of her little girl to her ex husband because of her "navy lifestyle" and those "medical grounds"
She was trying to get her life back together, but was struggling with finances and sharing accomodation with a guy who was not supportive and was basically getting her to spend as she earned.

Although I am very comfortable living alone, I do have a fairly large house with two bathrooms, and I couldn't help but offer her free accomodation to help her get back on her feet.

It took less than a two for things to start going wrong.
Her casual contract in my office expired and her temp agency couldn't find her another contract.
She wouldn't register for unemployment benefits ----she approached the Navy to try to activate her service but they refused on medical grounds---I queried that she should be receiving some sort of invalid pension from the Navy and approached a friend of mine who was the Judge Advocate General for this State who confirmed her entitlement---but she would not apply.
For two months she stayed in my house, smoked my cigarettes, ate my food, used my car and did nothing to earn her keep---no cooking, no cleaning, very little conversation and would hibernate in her bedroom from about an hour after I got home, til I left in the morning.
She made me feel very uncomfortable in my own house.
She didn't want to come with me when I walked my dog, or anywhere I suggested that we went at night, but was critical that I was just like everyone else, leaving her alone all of the time.
Luckily, she had some contact from her father in another State and decided that she should pack up and go "home" for a while----
Funny that she had no money for food or her own cigarettes but found enough for an airfare home----but at the airport, her baggage was 32 kilograms over weight and with "no money", the options were that I took the excess home and frieghted it to her or I paid the $200 excess and was rid of her----there went $200, which she said that she would send me.
But I had my house back and I was comfortable again----oh, and I never heard from her again and never saw that $200 again.

I have just dropped a friend of mine at her cousins house---she will be there for the weekend and with other friends for a few days before going back to her home state-----
She has just left her husband and stayed with me for 10 days----she has her problems, not the least being that she has MS.
From day one she was critical of my lifestyle and asked that I not smoke in front of her---on our first trip to the supermarket she got me to buy plug-in room deodorisers.
Because of her MS, she could not walk very fast or very far but she insisted on comming on my daily walk to the beach and was critical if I left her to go further with my dog.
She lived her disease and wanted to visit other people with the same affliction but didn't want me to meet them because her husband might find out that she was staying with me.
I cooked for her, I washed for her and I cleaned for her----she couldn't wash dishes because I should have a dishwasher, like she does.
My heater was running from morning to night, lights were on during the day because she doesn't like to wear her glasses----she would comment that she could still smell me smoking outside.
I fealt very uncomfortable in my own house.

We have our comfort zones and have to be careful of inviting others in.
Maybe I am too set in my ways, yet most of my friends find me very tolerant and adaptable.
Or maybe I have that sign on me "Use as you wish and treat how you like"

I may be a bit more reluctant the future----
But, ok, I know you---you are ok---you can come and stay.
Thank god I can fart again now

TAKE YOUR CHANCES

2011-07-13T20:16:00.000+09:30

FAMILY

2011-06-28T20:54:00.001+09:30

I was born into a family with one other child---and that's the way it stayed.
My paternal grandparents died in my first 18 months of life and my father was an only child---so I know little about that side of the family, other than my gradfather had two brothers, one who died in his 20s and the other alienated himself from the family.
Growing up, my maternal gradparents lived on an adjoining property and I was raised with all things Scottish, aunts, uncles and ten cousins----there never needed to be an excuse for the whole family to get together at my granparents house, which often spilled over into our yard.
In my mid teens, both of my gradparents died and so did the regular family socializing.
I married but had no children and many problems ended that liason.
My only brother died far too soon and my parents who were great supporters of everything I attempted have gone.

As far as family is concerned, I have some regular contact with two cousins, but that's my lot.----

Well so I thought.

I have searched a little of my paternal side and found that I am named after my paternal great gradfather who migrated alone from Denmark---he was a Master Mariner---a ships captain and was part owner of trading vessels plying the coast line of South Australia----kind of pioneering and romantic---except when I found one of his ships registration, changing it's name because it had been a slave trading vessel from South Africa.

But last week my family became substantially larger.
No, I haven't been breeding----well, nothing productive---well, not that I know of.
I got a phone call from a lovely lady who was tracing her husbands family. I gave her as much information as I had on my paternal grandparents and great grandparents---but she gave me more.
Yes, my great grandfather did migrate from Denmark---and yes, he did produce three sons with my great grandmother---but before that, he had 7 children with his first wife, who he met soon after arriving in Australia-- and of course they have all had families and families and families.
So this phone call has added another 140 plus relatives.
And I wondered what had happened to the old man's money.

I have a dream to visit Scotland and walk in the footsteps of my maternal Grandparents.
My Granfather was one of 7 children. Four migrated to Australia and I met and loved them all----and I do keep in touch with some 2nd or 3rd cousins who all live in another State---maybe it's because thay are a little older than be and when I first met them, they were beautiful teenage girls and I was a hormone driven 12 or 13 year old.
But there must be family in Scotland and I will try to find them before I go.
Yesterday I was sorting through some old stuff of my mothers----in an envelope there was a whole lot of old style computer printouts with names, birth and death details and some addresses for a whole lot of people I had never heard of.
Most of them live or lived in the USA and Canada but as I sorted through them the Scottish trail started to come to the fore until there in front of me was details of my grandmothers family.
It's funny that in all of these years I have found traces of the Robertson family---my gradfathers family, but somehow never thought that my grandmother had a family of her own----and there it was, my grandmother, a Cochrane and one of six children.
It's funny, that with the Scottish trait of allocating mothers maiden names, or grandmothers maiden names, as christian names of children, I somehow thought that my granny's maiden name was Malcolm---but that was her mother's maiden name and she was a Cochrane with half of her family living in the USA----and there is a great mob of them.

So answer one phone call and open one envelope and half the world could be related to me----I guess I'm not alone.

Immediate family, I have none
Fairly close, I have a few
But extended family, it could be you

GOOD OLD REMEDIES

2011-06-15T23:30:00.000+09:30

It really doesn't matter how far medicine and science advances, we keep looking back at some of the good old remedies.

Whenever I got a cold, my mother would always offer to rub some Vicks Vaporub on my chest----so whenever any of my female friends get a cold, I make the offer.

My wonderful old horse trainer used to come up with some wonderful remedies for a lot of things----including boiling up stinging nettles to make a tea to drink to move kidney stones.

A lot of old remedies used with great success have included what we now know as deadly poisons---but in small doses, all poisons are stimulants.

I'm qite happy to try most of these old remedies but there are a few that I will just have to let pass into history

CENSORSHIP

2011-05-26T00:12:00.000+09:30

I must admit to having a fairly liberal view on what we should be able to say or see or do.
But having said that, I most certainly believe in censorship and the protection of children, animals and any adult of a diminished capacity.

I do believe in the freedoms---the freedom of the press, the freedom of religious expression and the equality of genders and races.

Australia has a fairly liberal standard of what can be shown or said in the electronic media (that's TV and Radio)---often only cersored by the time of the broadcast or telecast.
I believe that our standards are shared and accepted by most western nations although some may be a little more liberal.

Of course I will never believe that pornography should be available in any form that minors can access.

But tonight, I heard something on a local TV show and checked it out on line, that actually disturbed me.
It was not something that I thought could or would happen in a country with so much freedom and the rights to so much freedom entrenched in their laws.

In 2004 there was a live telecast of the Superbowl that stopped the nation in the USA and Canada---yes the Canadians love the game, or at least this season ending big game.
Sponsors pay millions of dollars to advertise duing the Superbowl and of course there is alway high class entertainment.
In 2004, part of the entertainment was Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson and you would have to be living under a rock, not to remember that there was a "costume malfunction" and one of Ms Jackson's ample breasts was shown to the world------look, go and search the net and you will find every other bit of Janet Jackson available for your viewing pleasure----but this was just a slip or a pre-planned slip, lasting a matter of seconds---blink and you missed it.
But this was on live television throughout the USA and Canada---so the broadcasting authorities in the USA received in excess of 540,000 complaints------yes, count the zeros---over half a million people in the US took time to register a complaint.
But that is only the US----there was another 50 people in Canada complained to the Canadian Broadcasting Standards Council----yes, that's right 50 and 49 of those were probably border hoppers on holiday from the US.

I have nothing left to say, but I have to wonder how many complaints there may have been if Justin had dropped his pants or if Janet had groped him.
I'm thinking that there is 540,000 phones on speed dial in the bible belt of the US just incase some girl in a blue dress gets her job back at the Whitehouse.

Get a life

HE'S HERE

2011-05-20T23:48:00.000+09:30

The winner is ----AUSTRALIA

The wait is over

The Doomsdayers have nothing left to say
The Mormons can pack up and go home
The Christadelphians are going to have to rethink their "chosen ones" title
And no longer will the Vatican City be the centre of the Christian world.

Jesus is here
Well, not right here but he is in Queensland---our northern sunshine state.
Who would have thought
From my experience of Queensland, I doubted that they could find three wise men or a virgin but I guess that I was wrong.

Now apparently he has lived in my state--he was actually "born" here---ah, we have wise people and virgins----and he was married and has a couple of children---ah, right, Howard wanted him to experience a few things this time---but the marriage ended when he started having memories of his past life---and he has had another name----Alan.
ALAN--no wonder we didn't recognise him before----that would be just like HOWARD, to send him here under an assumed name, just in case we decided on nailing him up again but it looks like we passed the test.

And would you believe it---Mary has come with him---at least she came with her real name but for security sake, she used the surname of Luck---how appropriate and how lucky are we.

A report has said that the Anglican and Catholic churches are alarmed by the pair---well, why wouldn't they be---they haven't aligned themselves to either church, so the two major christian churches are out in the cold.
Jesus has bought a 40 acre property in rural Queensland and his Divine Truth followers have been buying up nearby blocks to be close to him.

Alan, sorry, Jesus has said that there has probably been a million people who have said that they are Jesus and most of them are in asylums.
Well people, our Jesus is not in an asylum, so I'm guessing that he might just be the one and only Alan, son of Howard

HYPOCRITICAL HOLIDAY

2011-04-25T21:49:00.002+09:30

In Australia we no longer have school assemblies to sing our national anthem and salute our country's flag because we may offend those in our multicultural society who object to showing patriotism to this country.
Now don't jump on the "Muslims are taking over bandwagon". The protests and perceived offence have come from a multitude of people, including the indigenous Australian, who want their own flag.

But all of this has come after religious instruction has been banned in all but the church run schools.
That really does not offend me---I lost faith in my christian religion many years ago.
But, I have been a christian by convenience---I was raised in the Presbyterian church and even though I had ceased that association, I always claimed to be Catholic while I was in the Army
There was good reason for that. In the army camps out bush, those who didn't attend church services on Sundays had to work in kitchen duties, the protestant religions attended a service with-in the camp but the Catholics were transported into town and always had about three hours in the town.

Now that may be hypocritical but pretty moderate compared to a lot of people this weekend.
Those who have strayed from their christian faith, those who have never had a faith and those who protested that the faith was being taught in the State schools are all having a paid long weekend built on the christian faith.

I have yet to see any protesters on the street this weekend, pleading their case that their work place should be open for them to attend.

Happy Easter everyone---I guess you will just have to take the Christmas holidays and national patriotic holidays as well

LUCKY SUPERSTITION

2011-04-12T22:36:00.003+09:30

It's funny that when things start to go wrong in life, we say that our luck has run out.
So how much luck do we get and when does it run out?.

Friends say that I am lucky in a lot of ways yet I fail to see their logic.

There is no logic in luck

I have always studied form guides for local harness racing and attended at every pre race qualifying trial that I could get to
I remember the first night that they raced at our new track---8 races and I backed every winner and 7 out of 8 at the corresponding interstate meeting---15 winners in 16races.
Of course at the next meeting, I increased my bets and backed 2 out of the 16 winners--giving back my winnings from the week before.

Yes, I suppose you would think I was lucky, but really, I am only persistent---
I realised years ago that gamblers must be prepared to lose every dollar that they bet and that you can't win every time you have a bet.

Like every thing in life---you can't win 'em all

There is no such thing as the balance of probabilities or Murphy's law---
I have been taking the same two sets of 8 numbers in our lotto for 20 years---I have had some wins but nothing really big.
Mathematically, my chances of winning are in the millions---but I keep on going

I have got two small dividends this week----they say that they come in threes---ha ha ha---who said that----I'm betting there is no third win.

Lightening never strikes twice---ha ha ha---a friend of mine from work won first prize in a State lottery---and three years later, shared first prize with a friend.

I guess that I'll never win a big one because a black cat crossed my path ten years ago and I walked under a ladder last week---at least I have never run over a China man.

Who made up all of these superstitions
And is luck only measured by winning money.

I think that I'm lucky that I have my health---I'm lucky that everyone who chooses to read by blog, takes the time to see what I think----I'm lucky that I have "met" some wonderful people on the Web.

I can do as I want in life because I have no family to think about or care about or be responsible to or for---is that lucky---or unlucky----or is it what I deserve.
I don't have a natural will--in that I have no family to naturally inherit my estate---but a friend of mine says that I should not make a will or I might die----
Ha ha ha---yes, I will die---but I'm not letting the Government or my ex-wife get my estate, so I do have a will--and that friends children get most of it

I feel lucky that I woke up this morning and saw the smiling face and wagging tail of a dog who depends on me and seems to be happy about the situation----oh, and she is in my will
I feel lucky that I have had nearly two years of retirement after 43 years of planning for it.

So my plan for tomorrow is to take a gamble on life---
I'm going to get out of bed---if I see a black cat, I'll let my dog chase it, if there is a crack in the path on the way to the beach, I'll probably tread on it, if there is a ladder I'll go around it or under it--whatever is easiest.
Oh, hell, it's the 13th---ha ha ha---I'll buy a lottery ticket

Hope I'm here tomorrow night to see your smiling faces

CUSTOMS

2011-03-29T21:17:00.003+10:30

I really don't care what your customs and beliefs are.
And as long as they don't cause harm to man, woman, child or beast, I will defend your right to celebrate in any way that you want.

Religions of the world amuse me because they all believe that they are right and obviously, if they don't all come to the same conclusion, there is going to be a lot of disappointed people on "judgement" day.

If they are all so wonderful, so holy, so forgiving, so compassionate, then why do they think that it is just them who will get the big reward.

Just for the record, I don't believe that there is any great reward nor do I think there should be----well, not for those who get a fair chance at life---but it would be nice to think that there was seconds for those who got robbed a little early.

I have got to that age where I have attended a few funerals and the daily newspaper is likely to direct me to more.
It is funny that only good people die---well it seems that every service I have heard focuses on the goodness of a persons life.

I attended a funeral for a man in my ex-wife's family where everyone who spoke told of a good gentle, honest man---yet I know that he beat his wife, molested his three daughters and adopted his brother's war heroics and exaggerated an injury to increase his pension.
Yet I attended a funeral for a young girl from work who was hit by a bus on her way home. She was the sweetest kid that you could meet and lived for her family, her husband and her religion.
Her service was cold and so matter of fact that her death was god's will and that she would be back---even to the stage of telling her young husband not to worry because they would find him a new wife.
The things I learned from her funeral was that this "Christian" religion did not believe in cremation and did believe in reincarnation--not the soul but the body---on "the" day, they shall spring from their graves----gonna be some ugly sights if they are right.

Today I attended a Buddhist funeral/viewing for my mate's father-in-law.
There was ceremony, yet not a structured ceremony
There was laughter yet no one made a structured speech
There was customs to be dealt with.
There was chanting, yet it was recorded
There was candles and incense
And there was money

Money---yes money---the coffin was stuffed with money---but it wasn't real---you buy it in bundles with denominations from US dollars, British pounds, French francs--it's all photo copies. They actually remove the body from the coffin and fill it with "money", put him back in then pad it with "money"--give him some new wrapped clothes and a $2.00 watch and then cover him in in "money".
People approaching the coffin drop in a coin of real money (I wondered if I should make a wish) and there is a coin between his lips---his wife had to wash her eyes before she gazed on him
Once everyone has said their farewells, everyone in procession walks around the coffin three times---I waited for Simon to say that I should hop on one leg, but it didn't happen)

We all left to go to the family home where it was just food and laughter and nothing was said about the old bloke--
But it is not over yet
In a couple of days we go back and get his ashes---yes, they burn all of the fake money---and take his remains to a temple and place them in a wall for the dead.
The best bit about this process is that we have got a whole load of this "money" and we throw it from the car on the way to the temple----of course we will get arrested for littering.

Oh, and if we haven't done it right, he will haunt us tonight.

All of these customs and beliefs will give comfort to his family left behind him.
If they get that comfort, then it is a wonderful belief

Oh, and if you can spend that money Joe, let me know and I'll bring some with me.

If you get some comfort from your beliefs, then they must be right
Enjoy

NAKED HELP

2011-03-23T21:53:00.002+10:30

Now I am the first to applaud anyone who comes up with a new idea for a business--or a new way to make an existing mundane occupation more exciting.

Like when one of those mass produced hamburger multi national franchise groups actually started putting beef in their burgers or a pizza maker actually uses pepperoni instead of some reconstituted crap pizza sausage.

But this week on local morning TV, there was a report on a new business in the USA--yep, really, in the USA---who would believe this.

A young lady has set up a business as a therapist.
Now I have found out since that she is not actually qualified, but her idea of how to make people feel relaxed and speak openly about their problems is certainly novel and has great merit.
I am sure that her clients would leave her sessions feeling a lot more satisfied that with a lot of other therapists.

Her idea is that she either starts the session naked or during the session, she takes her gear off.
Well, she would certainly get my attention and I would probably tell her my life story.

Now just for the sake of research, I did check her site.
Besides many photos of this young lady in varying states of undress, there were a few interesting statements.

1) Naked therapy allows, encourages and respects arousal in the therapeutic context.
OK, so sitting across the room from a naked young lady might get you aroused, but that is fine because it is therapeutic---
Yes, I've found that to be the case.

2) Traditional therapy forbids arousal, yet our world is saturated with arousal, and men aren't stupid.
Yes, I think saturated is a very good word.
Oh, and I've dated a girl or two in my day, who might not agree on the stupid bit.
Oh, and I want to know how the traditional therapists enforce that no arousal rule.

3) During these sessions, I use the power of arousal to help you gain more control over your life.
Well, I have doubts about being more in control when aroused.

You may find this hard to believe, but the majority of this young lady's clients are men--but she explains that more men need therapy and they are comfortable with her--but she does have some female clients.
Oh, and the clients can strip before or during the session themselves.
Hmm, was just thinking of all the bum prints on her leather couch---oh, and does she disinfect the couch between between sessions---or just hose it off.

Oh, and as an extra service, you can actually do your session on line---fancy that---you don't even have to be in the same country as some naked girl, while you are talking about your sex life.

Now you might think that this is a lot of crap---well, go and check it out--Sarah White, Naked Therapist.

Now not being one to miss an opportunity, I thought that being a very compassionate bloke and a good listener, I could start up something similar but with a twist.
Ms White seems to cater for the guys, so I thought that I could complement this service and cater for the ladies.
The twist---well, I always like to have people feel at ease, so in my service, the clients will be naked or can strip.

I will give my live on line address to anyone interested.

And remember--
I will respect arousal in the therapeutic context.

HOT

2011-03-16T23:09:00.001+10:30

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!

So I sent her my ironing.

That’ll keep her busy for a while.

HEART 3

2011-03-09T20:29:00.003+10:30

It was 8 months that I honoured another guy's ring but it was still hard to hear that Jenny had decided marry her interstate fiance.
Although I was in love with her, I couldn't help but think of Red---what now ?
Jenny wanted to take him with her but I couldn't talk my mate into selling him or giving him to a good home----after all, he was 9 years old and retired from the track.
I left him at Jenny's parents til the day after she left
I couldn't take him back to my mate, so I took him back to my trainers property---I was going to find him a good home, no matter what.

We were breaking-in two young horses that had been sent to us----our normal slow quiet process involved tying the youngsters alongside an older horse working in the cart and getting them used to the cart, the track and a horse right next to them.
Our biggest problem was that every horse we had in work, had some sort of problem and it would not be the greatest idea to lead a youngster from their shafts.---so I put old Red in the cart and took him out on the track to see how he behaved.
Compared to every other horse I had driven, he was a Rolls Royce--he answered ever call I made on him with voice or rein---I was in awe of this big red horse who had not been in a cart for nearly two years.
He was fantastic with the young horses--so patient with their buffeting and pushing but all of the time, proudly striding along.

I couldn't stop working him every day even after the youngsters were well and truly broken in----there was only one horse left to work so I was harnessing old Red for his outing when the stable foreman said he would like to drive him and I should take the other horse.
We jogged down to the track together and did our warm up two laps side by side---I moved into the lead and started to work the other horse into a full speed work out---I was expecting to pass old red as I lapped him but I looked over my shoulder and he was right on my back---I couldn't believe he was working at that pace especially without proper trotting shoes but I couldn't worry about him---I had the other horse to work--and as we turned into the back straight, I started to urge my horse along to finish his work in a sprint---but I could still hear him---I sprinted my horse to the finish and heard the old horse gallop under the pressure.

He excited me that much that I had trotting shoes put on him a couple of days later.

I went to see my mate to see if he would lease me the horse on a racing lease--he said no but told me that he actually belonged to his mother, so I could ask her.
I knew his mother well and she knew her son, so she said that she would be pleased if I never brought Red home again and offered to draw up the lease papers if I liked to pick them up in two days. Of course I was there to sign the papers but she then said something strange--"That will be $50.00 please"---now you don't normally pay for a lease other than a fee for registering it with the trotting authorities and an agreed percentage of any prize money won back to the owner---but I didn't mind and gave her the $50.00 and was on my way to the Authority Office-----
I didn't even check the papers, just signed them and handed them in. The office girl said "$50.00, that's cheap"---I laughed and said "well I've never paid for a lease before"---she said "lease, this is a sale---you now own him"---I looked at the registration certificate and admit there was a tear in my eye---he was mine.

I could have sent him to Jenny but he had been back with me for 4 months and I really loved that old horse----he turned 10 years old and I started to doubt what I was doing but my trainer encouraged me by saying "Don't tell him and he will never know--you have him looking and feeling like a 5 year old"---she was right, he was magnificent.
A friend of mine had raced a pacer which just couldn't win a race and had converted him back to a trotter--(trotters are born, pacers are made)--very few pacers know how to pace til you hobble then and teach them the gait. Any way, he was telling me how fast this horse was going and asked me to come and watch him work---I wasn't being cruel when I told him that his horse was not fast enough and that I could beat him with a 3/4 fit old red off their automatic handicap marks---the challenge was on---really I shouldn't have done it because Red had won 14 races and off automatic handicaps, he had to give the other horse 140 metres start---my trainer was not impressed but told me to go ahead--it would give me a real feel of where we were as far as race speed was concerned.
I had to travel old red 200 kilometres to the country track---I thought it was just my friend and I in a match race but there was 8 other horses there and it was a full race trial.
The Authority race steward asked me who was driving Red---I told him that I was only there for track work against a friend and was not prepared to let anyone there to drive him---he laughed and said "Neither would I--and as you are starting 140 behind the front and 110 behind the nearest horse, I'll let you drive him"--hey, I don't have a trotting driver's licence.----
The barrier strands went back---well at least theirs did---they didn't have one for a 140 handicap, so I had a guy to yell go.
Old Red fired into a trot and started chasing like a greyhound--I had to ease him not to break his heart in the first lap but we had passed two horse that had galloped out of the race----half way through the second lap we were up behind another horse that had obviously made a mistake in the run but was trotting pretty well---it gave me a chance to let the old bloke have a bit of a rest but it wasn't long before he was telling me he wanted to go, so we set off after them---with a lap to go we were on the tail of the field and probably only 40 metres from the leader---I wasn't going to push the old bloke to hard but I eased him out three wide and he started his trek around them--I eased as I got along side my friend and asked him how he was going--the look on his face was priceless and he hit his horse with his whip--the horse went into a gallop as he fell further back in the field----I had nothing to prove to anyone so I just let Red have his head--we were third turning for home but the leaders were too far ahead for me to think about--but not Red--it was like he changed gear as he set out after them---no, we didn't win, but we were only beaten by less than a metre
I could not be prouder of him and I think he was proud of himself----we stayed at my friends place for a few hours and Red had a big lunch and a good afternoon sleep before we headed home----my friend retired his horse.

I raced Red vary sparingly over two seasons, with plenty of spells in between---he started eleven times for me--he won 4 races and was placed at the other 7---he won at his last start and was 12 years old.
I had every intention of giving him a home for life but he got bored very quickly and he could jump and I mean jump big fences.
I got back from a two week holiday to a problem---my trainer said that he went missing out of his paddock one day---they could't find him but he was back in the paddock at night---and it kept on happening---they had not caught him going but had caught him comming home.
I let him out in his paddock and hid back near the stables--he watched and once he thought he was clear, he jumped the front fence a headed down the road---I followed in my car and saw him jump into a paddock----there he was with a mare and her foal--and he was babysitting the foal---I went up to the house and was pleased that I knew the owner---he laughed and had no problem with Red being there but was worried like me, that he was comming down the road.
For his own safety, I had to lock him up in a big yard.

A lovely old volunteer lady at work asked if I knew where she could get a cheap horse for her grand daughters---they lived on a rural farm and had one horse between the two of them.
I was hesitant but told her that they should come and meet Red and me the next time they were in town---she arranged it for that weekend---they were really nice polite kids--the oldest was 15---she loved Red from the minute she met him and he followed her like a dog---she took him for a ride and even let her little sister have a turn.
I said that the next weekend I would come to their property to check it out and that they should seriously think about having a horse that big.
Their place was perfect and the stable, yard and paddock that they had ready was wonderful---and yes, both girls wanted a big red horse----their other horse, a medium sized Arab gelding was in very good condition, well fed, well groomed and happy---I invited the girls down for the next day with Red---they loved him and helped out with the other horses---they were happy to get into all of the dirty work.
When their parents arrived, I told them that I couldn't sell Red to them--there was sad faces everywhere---but I told them that I would deliver him the next weekend and they could keep him for as long as they wanted him---but I would check on him from time to time--and if anything went wrong with him, he was still mine and had to come home to me---.
I did check on him fairly regularly for 5 years and decide that they loved him as much as I did---it was funny that he was still my boy whenever I arrived---he would call out to me.
The last time I visited I said that they should remember that he was still my responsibility, and they shouldn't hesitate to contact me when anything happened--he was 18 and even though in good condition, time wasn't on his side.

Well it was actually---there it was in the paper in the horses for sale section---an obituary---To my darling Red Heart 35 years old. I will love you forever. Thank you for being in my life. Michelle.
I could still shed a tear for him.

Oh, and Jenny---well her marriage lasted about 9 years---but I was married by then---she married again and I got divorced---she was diagnosed with MS and she and her husband moved to a warmer climate---she has always kept in touch---
Her husband cannot understand that her MS doesn't allow her to do a lot of things, but she tries---she is a fighter---oh, and so is he---it looks like their marriage is over.
She may be back soon

Oh, and thank you Red Heart for letting me be part of your life---I will never have a more courageous horse.

HEART 2

2011-03-04T18:51:00.005+10:30

I had been working with a little stallion for over 12 months.
He had been sent to my trainer as a last resort after he had nearly torn his hoof off after rearing up and getting his hoof caught between two cyclone gates.
All veterinary advice had been to put him down but his owner wanted to give him every chance to live----so he arrived at the property unannounced followed by a pleading phone call.
Even if the cheques had stopped coming, I think we would have worked on him---he was a lovely horse with so much guts and seemed to have an understanding of his predicament---he helped us help him.
After nearly 12 months of glued on rubber hoofs, hand made leather hoof boots with rubber souls (thanks to my father's leather work skills) myriads of old witch's potions and a very inventive farrier, we had a very cheeky boy on our hands----and his three times a week swimming exercise had him feeling very well.

I pulled up next to the barn with my car and horse float---I had just been to the pool with the little bloke for his big swim----there was a car up next to the house that I hadn't seen before--it had interstate registration plates---
As I got out of the car, a girl walked up to me and said "I'm glad you're back--we were about to leave--let's see him"
Having never seen her before, I just looked and asked her who she might be and what was she talking about-----
Turned out that her father was the owner of the little stallion and she introduced herself as Jenny.
As I let the tailgate of the float down she said "Watch out--he rushes off---you cant stop him"---
I just chuckled as I swung the back bar across, put my had on his rump and said "Steady son---off you come"---and he backed off slowly, stood on the tailgate and roared like the very fit naughty boy that he was.
He pulled away as she grabbed for his lead rope, snorted and reared up over the top of her----she yelled and ducked as I yelled "Aye, that's enough"---he shook his head, snorted and walked up to me---I turned to she that Jenny was OK----she was standing there smiling---her father was with her---she said "He is a different horse--happy, fit but different"

Jenny kept coming out to the property and even came to the races with us
She had a love for horses and wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty.
It wasn't til we went out to dinner one night that I found out that she was actually engaged to a guy interstate but had come back when her parents moved home to work out if she really wanted to marry him.

It had been about 4 months and we were playing the friends game---she still wasn't sure and I wasn't pushing---but she really wanted a horse to ride---wanted to keep it in a paddock next to her parents house in the hills---but she didn't want to buy a horse and then move away.
I went to see my mate, who had horses everywhere-----he always broke his horses to saddle before breaking them to harness---I asked if he had anything, maybe retired or out spelling that he would let Jenny have for a while.
He laughed and said that my timing was perfect "Here, take that big red bastard--he's good under saddle and he's kicking the place down"

I couldn't help myself---he probably wasn't suitable, but I took him---I knew that if I didn't, he wasn't long for this world.
I worked on him every day keeping him hidden from Jenny's eyes---I didn't want to disappoint her but more, I knew that I would find a home for him sometime.
Away from my mate, treated with kindness and fed like a king, he became a pleasure to be with---he had time every day in a paddock with my broodmare, he had an hour tied up and groomed, he followed as I led him on our daily walk and was happy to be led behind the cart of horses that we were working.
He had an awful reputation for tearing and destroying rugs but if he was going to be paddocked in the hills, he would need the warmth of a rug or two.
I had bought an old industrial sewing machine and a lot of canvas pieces at a property sale and had been repairing all of our old stable rugs---I found a couple of rugs that would fit him---sewed webbing belts with Velcro tabs from front to back and got my dad to make a leather bib with light chain work across the front
It was almost like a straight jacket when I put it on him and strapped him in--the bib went across the front and strapped back to the rug---and I stabled him for the night.
I watched his contortionist act while we fed all of the other horses but he gave up and headed for his manger as soon as his feed was poured in----I left him alone for about an hour and went back to give him an armful of hay to keep him occupied.
I couldn't be there in the morning--had to work---but I got a call to tell me that he still had his rug on----he wore it like that for a week, even out in his yard til I changed it---I took off the webbing straps so he could get to the sides of the rug--he left it alone---so I took off the bib and got the same result.

I had long since lost my balance for riding---don't know what it was, but I was not comfortable in the saddle any more. I went to bring big red out of his day paddock to stable him for the night---I don't know why, but we were just walking along the fence line and I walked up a strainer post and slipped onto his back---there was no flinch, no nothing---he just kept walking to the gate.
He surprised me as he backed away from the gate as I undid the chain---let the gate swing clear and walked through heading for the stable---
No sooner had my old trainer yelled "what the hell are you doing" than I was on my arse on the ground with old red looking me in the face---
It was my fault--no bridle, no saddle, no balance and the stable dogs chased chickens out through the door---red only ducked, but I didn't--I was just far too impressed with myself to think---not something you should do around horses.

He was ready---I was confident in him
I knew Jenny would be there in the next 30 minutes---I borrowed a riding saddle and bridle from my trainers daughter----I had to let every strap out to almost full length---he was a big boy.
I brushed him out to look his best, saddled him up and had him tied to the rail when Jenny arrived.
I was harnessing a horse to work when she came over to the rail--we talked for a while---she kept looking at big red and finally she said "He's a nice boy. Who does he belong to ?"
"Oh, him, he's yours"
It didn't sink in at first but then it was all smiles---OK, and kisses---she raced back to her car and grabbed her riding helmet.
She looked to me for a leg up, but I told her that if she was going to take him home, she had better work out her mounting for herself---there was a scowl, a chuckle, a yes well and she scrambled onto his back, adjusted her irons and away they went.
I've never been sure of who enjoyed themselves more but they were both fairly tired when I saw them about 3 hours later.

Thus started a love affair---oh, and I was there too

HEART

2011-03-02T19:18:00.003+10:30

I first saw him early in his life.
There was something about him that made you notice him---not so much imposing, but there was this presence about him.
Some called him ill mannered, some called him mad but that fire in his eyes was not anger, it was fear.

There was no doubt about his talent but under pressure he was unpredictable.
Even though he had proven his ability he was was not well favoured by those around him and his manner soon saw him dispatched into the wilderness of life.

I caught sight of him a couple of years later.
He had changed significantly---yes, he was taller but lighter in frame---he looked beaten--no glow, no presence and a sadness in him eyes.
The talent was still there but there was no zest to his performance---just seeing him saddened me.

A few years later I was at a friend's stables and helping him for a week with a few horses because one of his employees had left. He asked me to get feeds ready and feed the four horses in the outside yards behind the barn because they were not in work---I'm always glad when he leaves me to feed as I am a fairly generous feeder compared to his norm and believe our animals should enjoy meals as much as we do.
I got to the last yard and there he was.
He had put on some condition but his coat was dull and there was still that sadness in his eyes. I walked up to him in the yard but he swung away as I tried to put a hand on him---I poured his feed into his manger and waited for him to come to it but he just stood back----I talked softly to him and sat down next to the manger.
I don't know if it was his stomach or his curiosity that got the better of him first but he finally came over to eat----I just sat and talked to him---he kept an eye on me all of the time and flinched every time I moved a hand---but I stayed and talked til my friend came looking for me.
"Jesus Clyde", he yelled, "what are you doing with that brumby---he bites, he kicks, he tears rugs to pieces and tries to tear his stable down---if my mother didn't own him he would be at the knackery by now"
I got up to walk out of the yard and the big horse swung his rump to me to kick--I just roared "Don't you" and he stopped--he turned and walked forward and let me rub his face as I talked to him.
I spent time with him every day while I was helping my mate and every day was a more trusting day.

I had a full time job and horses of my own at another property so I didn't see him again for over a year. I had asked about him and knew that my mate's mother had made him put the big horse into work.
We were at the race track with two stable horses, neither with much talent but their owners loved them and we did our best to get them to the line. I was harnessing up one of our horses when I was bitten in the middle of my back by the horse being led into the next stall and heard this voice say "Geez, he remembers you"----I turned to see this magnificent big red horse---it was him.
He stomped his feet like a petulant child and roared like a wild beast---he lashed out behind and kicked the backboards of the stall and lunged forward to bite the stable attendants---I was pleased to see him looking and feeling so well and grabbed the stable girls hand as she tried to find his manners with a whip..
I walked up to him talking all of the time---his ears pricked up and he looked and snorted as I help out my hand for him---he stood like a statue and let out with a low murmur as I stroked his face---I looked at my friend and said "Yes, he does remember me"

We had a horse in the next race and after driving him in the parade ring, I walked up to watch him race----we had planned everything out for this horse for months and this was going to be his best chance of winning a race---we told the owners to have a bet on him but not much.
There was a lot of smiles after the race as he won by the shortest of margins but he had won his race--it was almost sad because we had said that he should retire if he won and the owners agreed---but we knew he had a good life ahead.

There was a lot of yelling as we got back to the stalls---there was the big red horse tied to the fence and my mates racing cart in pieces all around him---someone had forgotten to tie the kicking strap behind him as the pulled the cart over him and he lashed out--and once he had started, he kept going til there wasn't a lot left of the cart.
My mate said that he couldn't race now because no one in their right mind would lend him a cart for the big kicking bastard---I laughed and pulled my cart over to him--I grabbed the big horse by the bridle and spoke to him as they tied the cart down and away they went to the track.
He ran a great race without having any luck
Two weeks later he led all of the way in a Cup series race and my mate decided to retire him----not so much for the sake of the horse, but more because they couldn't get on with him----and they doubted him winning in the class he was now in.

more later

QUESTIONS

2011-02-25T20:49:00.004+10:30

It really doesn't matter how or where you meet someone, you always have some questions that you will ask.
Even if they are just acquaintances or friends, you want to know something about them and usually a bit more than they will volunteer----after all, you don't want to be seen to be friends with a mass murderer or rapist----but then again, they are not likely to tell you about that.

I must admit to being a bit of a stickler when it comes to relationships or even the very rare one night/day stand---I actually want to know if the person is single--well at least not married and living with a husband.

My ex wife, so I've found out since, was not so fussy----tried to get a lawyer friend of mine to represent her in our divorce by offering favours----favours that she had offered him before when we were living together in our marriage.---oh, and he wasn't the only one.
I did tell my mate that he should have accepted her offer
1) I would have loved to battle him in court (I did my own divorce and property settlement)
2) My ex wife was very good when it came to bedroom gymnastics.

Any way, the reason for my post
As a relationship develops, there is more and more that you learn and want to know about your partner.

In America recently, a woman was arrested for the murder of her step daughter.
The girl's father was an Australian and had met this woman on line---the relationship developed and the woman came to Australia.
They married and moved to America
He knew that she had been married before and was divorced----but it wasn't until she was charged and arrested that the investigation showed that she had been married seven times before----he didn't know
You would have to be wary of a woman who had been married seven times before---you just cant be that unlucky in love.

But is that a question that you ask ?
Oh, you are divorced---how many times have you been married ?
No, it's not a question you ask and I guess that if you are the woman, it's not information that you volunteer.

I did get a bit of a chuckle at this story.
I really don't know why, but I was looking for something in my wife's robe and saw her wedding dress---well, actually there was two----yes, well I knew she had been married before---oh, hang on, there's three wedding dresses.-----so I had to ask---6 years into our marriage---and yes, I was victim 3----she had forgotten to tell me about number 2---and she was still married to him and living with him when we went out on our first date.---I never knew

You see, I just never asked the question, so she never volunteered the information
My fault
Maybe it is a question you should ask----divorced---lovely--how many times

HONESTY WORKS

2011-02-16T23:17:00.004+10:30

Some people describe dating as a minefield.
They spend so much time trying to impress a new prospect that they lose sight of the truth.
It is not as though they set out to create a total false persona, they just exaggerate to make themselves more appealing or acceptable.

The problem with doing that is that you have to live up to your lies and in the majority of cases, you will get caught out

You may find that you are in a relationship that you like and you live in fear of discovery---or you decide that you should tell the truth.
Which ever way it goes, it is not the way to start a relationship.

If you cant be honest from the start, don't expect anything to last.
It may turn out to be just one date with a hamburger for dinner----or it could be more.
Try it---you never know where honesty will get you

SOCIETY'S APPROPRIATE RULES

2011-02-12T20:58:00.005+10:30

Where did all of these rules of appropriateness in relationships come from ?
Who made these grand decisions on "what looks good" and the "timing" of things ?

I suppose my parents were rebels in their day in as much as my mother was 10 months older than my father

There was this rule that the man should be older and that about 2 years difference was about right.
Then there was this rule that it should be the man asking the lady out and that she should not be forward enough to even encourage him.
And of course there is the rules on the appropriate number of dates before anything should occur.

I guess even through my generation, the age difference rule seemed to apply---most of my friends were in relationships and ended up in marriages where there was a 2 to 3 year age difference.
I got married a little later than most of my friends but the age difference was still the same.
I was so in love with a girl from work but never acted upon it because she was 7 years younger than me----not bad now but 17 and 24 "didn't look good".

I seemed to naturally adopt the rules on the number of dates before there was any sexual activity---it seemed right and it was almost an unwritten rule that at the third date there should be some hanky panky.

But maybe these rules only apply during those years when society expects you to be single and out there dating or in relationships---
Well it seemed that way because my first relationship after my divorce was with a girl 17 years younger than me, who asked me out.
Because of some work constraints (legal issues) I had to refuse her first advance but as soon as those barriers had expired, she asked again and who was I to refuse.
Our first night out dispensed with another of society's rules---a first for us both, but it seemed so right.

Since then, my relationships seem to be with partners at least 20 years younger than me.
That's not something that I have planned---it has just worked out that way---maybe that's why they haven't lasted.

I seem to have a lot of female friends (I don't make enemies too well, even with ex's) and most seem to be from younger generations.

I worked a part-time job for year with bookmakers on the local racecourses--I became friendly with a young girl working for another bookmaker and ended up giving her a ride to and from the racecourse and then to and from our full time jobs in the city. She was going overseas for 12 months and to thank me for my help and support, she took me out to dinner. When I dropped her home she invited me in to meet her parents. She left me with her father in his shed while she went to make drinks. I could see that her father (who was younger than me) was uncomfortable talking to me especially when I mentioned my age. Apparently his daughter talked about me all of the time. I had to laugh and said to him "It's alright John, I'm not fucking your daughter--we are just friends." She was 24 and I was 50.

The 7 year difference girl from all of those years ago has come back into my life but we just cant seem to get our act together and seem to be off with other people when we should be working things out.

I really don't think much about age differences but recently had a rude awakening about what other people think.
I was in the local pet food shop waiting to be served by a lovely young Emo girl. I didn't mind waiting while she was talking to a good looking young bloke but I couldn't help overhear their conversation. Ha was telling her about a girl he had an on-going relationship with and was living with and how she had got upset about him meeting up with an old girlfriend who was back in town. He went out for dinner with the old girlfriend and even brought her home---even suggested a threesome. His girlfriend had kicked him out and now she is going to meet up with some old bloke from America who she had met on line. He thought it was disgusting that this American was 60 years old, so he probably had a walking stick and there was no way that he could get it up to satisfy her.

The shop girl thought it would be a good idea to serve me before this conversation went any further. I thanked her, got my change and I looked at the young bloke---I couldn't help myself---so I said to him "So, this old bloke, he's got a walking stick, or you think because he's 60, he should have one"---He looked at me and said "Well 60 is pretty old and he's probably got one"---I laughed and said "So you think he wont be able to get it up at that age"---He said "No way--maybe with some little blue pills or something"
I had to laugh--I couldn't help myself----I said to him "I guess you haven't got many years to look forward to---but I'll tell you something---I'm that old and my partner is 26 and she is happy with our sex life"
He looked stunned and it was the Emo girl who said "With little blue pills?"
"Sorry", I said "It all works well without medication"

I was kind of stunned by their thoughts on age and when things should stop working. My partner thought it was a great joke.
Unfortunately the joke was on me because two days later after hearing from her parents who had been caught in the Queensland floods, my partner decided that she should go home to help them---when I suggested that I go with her to help she had to explain that I was older than her father and that he wouldn't understand---so she went alone. Her parents property was in the path of the cyclone that hit Queensland two weeks ago and she has decided that she is going to stay and wont be coming back.
Oh, and she has told her parents that I was 40---they were outraged and told her she should look for someone about her own age.
Hey, I understand---I suppose if she was my daughter, I would think the same.
But I also hope that I would understand that love has no age restriction.

A happy ending---OK, I'll tell you.

On Thursday I raced into the pet food shop right on closing time---little Emo girl was there---she looked up and smiled and said "I'll just pull in the signs and close the door before anyone else comes in--it's closing time."
She got my order ready, took my money and as she handed me the change she said "You really surprised my friend a few weeks back. Is your partner really only 26?"
I chuckled, but told her that my now ex partner was 26 but she was now gone and told her why.
She said "Oh, that's bad luck--I guess you will have to find another young one"
I explained that I really didn't care about age and at 60, I had a broad range to pick from.
As I was walking for the door she said "So does it really still work without those blue pills?"
I assured her that everything was still in good working order and that I hope that it would get some use soon.

I admit she surprised me when she said "Show me"

Some of these young people are so forward----I'm sure there's rules about that.

SUMMER SKY

2011-02-04T21:54:00.002+10:30

It has been a very funny summer in Australia

Poor old Queensland, our northern tropical state has been flooded with tsunamis (fucking big waves) in their river systems and damage caused all over the place.
Then they get a category 5 (fucking big ) cyclone cross the coast between two major cities and wipe a lot of people out----few deaths but big damages.

But down south here, we have been having some hot weather.

Now it's not abnormal for dog and I to be up early and getting a good walk on the beach before the heat of the day hits
Both of us have been getting a Nanna nap in the middle of the day to make up for lost sleep.
What has been unusual is the number of late night walks we have had on the beach to cool off before trying for a good night's sleep.

I'm not sure, if you don't have a beach or a desert or a country field close to you, if you have seen the night sky as I have in the past few months.

There is always the same number of stars in the sky but if you are laying flat on your back in the middle of a beach, they seem to change.
The nights of a full moon, there seems to be so much illumination yet the stars are there, but there doesn't seem to be as many, but a crescent moon and the stars are brighter and fill the sky.
Are there more stars or do you just see more or is the glow just brighter when the moon is not so bright.-----can you count them or does your count just run out when a wet dog licks you up your nose.
Is there someone out there?
How far away are they?

And then there is the cloudy nights---the sun sets into a red or golden sea from clouds of fire---the stars are less but still a few.
And then your dog is sitting next to you---wet but leaning against you and you know.

Then there it is----lightning on the horizon---lighting up the cargo ships on the deep sea anchorage---the rumble of thunder and you wonder how she knew.

Every night there is a new sky but unless you are laying on your back on the beach or in the fields or out in the desert, you don't see all of it----but it is the same sky as you that I have never met will see tonight.

See, we are connected
Winter or summer
Enjoy

NEW YEAR

2011-01-19T13:07:00.001+10:30

Dear Universe,

All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body…
please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

UPDATE WITH A SMILE

2011-01-13T18:45:00.002+10:30

It is hard to smile at anything in this flood disaster but late today there is something to smile about.

A news report just showed a real Queensland Horseman and a couple of his mates, in a small aluminium boat, roping and lashing horses to the boat and getting them to high ground.

The best news was that he got the three horses that earlier reports had shown, standing on a second floor deck with their heads on the roof of the house.

Of course with fast flowing water, these horses have suffered substantial injuries, but enter a veterinary team who had heard about these rescue guys and the horses have feed and care.

Another wonderful story of a guy who nearly drowned getting his wife and children up on the roof of their house---but he didn't forget his dogs and went back for them---got all four of them on the roof including what was described as "the big fat old dog"

As the water level recedes in some towns, people are going back to see if there is anything left of their homes----and there it was---good Aussie humour in the face of adversity----someone put a sign on a fence---"Missing---three goldfish. Last seen swimming in their bowl two days ago"

You can take our homes, but you'll never take our sense of humour

THEY DON"T UNDERSTAND

2011-01-13T00:42:00.002+10:30

Australians are renowned for their laid back attitude to life.

Nothing is really too much to do for your mates if they need it----nothing is too much for your country because you should do it.

We live in a country that is regularly beaten down by tragedies that mother nature throws at us, but we just keep coming back for more.

If our neighbours have been ravaged by rain or wind or fire, we just pack up and go and help til they are back on their feet.

We rubbish each other across state boundaries that we are the biggest and the best and there is pure hatred when it comes to sport but when it comes to real life, we are one and there is no boundaries to help our mates.

The fires of a couple of years back seemed devastating and they were----but fire fighters, fully trained and volunteer gathered to stop them as best they could---they crossed state boundaries like they didn't exist---we were one nation---all mates---and we do that.

But now we cant stop it----it's water---it's an inland tsunami----the rains have saturated the land and the water is flowing into creeks and rivers---and the creeks and rivers are emptying into major rivers and it is a rush of water like we have never seen----how do you fight water ?
Towns are in the way of this wave and are disappearing at too greater rate---the roofs are all that can be seen above the water----to comprehend the area, it is bigger than the whole of the British Isles.
The rain has stopped but the water keeps coming, flowing to the sea---and in the way is the 3rd biggest city in the country---it sits on the banks of a tidal river---so twice tomorrow mother nature will deal them a bad hand---with the phases of the moon, Brisbane will have two king tides at 4am and 4pm----so the sea will be trying to push this tsunami back, so where will the water go---right though Brisbane.

We know all of this
We can prepare
Some towns knew the water was coming and evacuated people
All towns now know how bad it is
We understand----
We will deal with it
We are Australia

But today I say news footage of three horses with their heads resting on the roof of a submerged house-----obviously, they were standing on the second floor deck of the house---but where were they to go, what did they understand, what would happen to them, did they know to stay there.
And then there was footage of another horse swimming---people in a boat tried to rope him---I don't know what they were going to do with him---but he panicked and went under and didn't surface again.
We may understand---we may stay on that deck----we would let people pull us into a boat or lead us to safety.

My tears are for the loss of human life---for those who have lost everything---but I cant help thinking of those who don't understand.

My prayers are with the animals----all they know is fear----they don't understand

I phoned a friend today---she said "Oh, we are ok. We've got the dogs up at the house and the caged birds are up high enough-----but the cow got washed away"----she is realistic but I cry for the cow.---she didn't understand.

GOODBYE

2011-01-01T00:14:00.002+10:30

Thank you but

Goodbye

It's been fun but not so much at times.

I'm Glad it's over

There is nothing more to say

So Goodbye 2010

You weren't the best year that I have had but then again you weren't the worst

But I figure I get a fresh start again-----so everything is now forgiven---the slate is wiped clean and we can all have another shot at having a good year---
It's not like Santa---you don't have to BE good, just get out there and enjoy it

Ha ha ha---you were cheering because you thought it was me going
Sorry, I'm here to annoy you for a while yet

So get on with it---enjoy it----it's all fresh and brand new
So don't stuff it up

HAPPY NEW YEAR

NO MORE CRAP

2010-12-27T21:26:00.004+10:30

OK, this could be offensive to a few people, but basically, GET OVER IT.

In the past two years I have received regular emails warning me that the Muslims are taking over the world
They have ranged from warnings that "they are breeding more children" to "it is the fastest growing religion in the world" and "they are taking over countries by stealth"

If you can read this, you have access to the Internet, so go and read some truths and get over this scare mongering shit that all seems to be emanating from one country.

From the wording of most of these uninformed warnings, it is obvious that a lot of people read some fairly scandalous articles, totally lacking in credible fact, published in the Readers Digest----ooops, should I say that---oh well.

OK, all of the reports and warnings used to say Muslim Fundamentalists but now it suddenly becomes the Muslim religion.
Fundamentalists----what the hell are Muslim fundamentalists-----well fundamentally they are Muslims.
That's like saying Catholics, Seven Day Adventists, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Orthodox Churches are fundamentally Christians----but so are half of the murders and rapists in gaol throughout the world.
So these terrorists happen to be Muslims---it is an enormous leap to say that every Muslim is a terrorist.

But all of these emails and reports seem to want to make us suspicious of everyone who happens to belong to this faith.
And if they don't want to mention the Muslim religion, they say "men of an Arabic appearance"---- Great disguise guys, but you really need to know that a lot of people of Arabic appearance are Christians.

OK, here are some facts for you----look them up----some of these emails have used these facts but they leave little bits out.

There HAS bean an increase of 235% in the number of Muslims in the world---that's a fact---the bit they miss out is that this has been in the past 50 years---and that is directly linked to the birth rate in 3rd world countries where Islam is the dominant faith---they are not going for the 1.5 children per family and also don't have 25 digital channels on their TV.

Islam is the fastest growing faith in France. Yes, that right, but mainly because of immigration---but also the truth is that only 5% of the entire population of Europe are Muslim.

Islam is in 204 of the worlds 238 countries but Christianity is in all 238

In the United States and Australia, the fastest growing religion is Buddhism---so we had better watch out for those guys in robes sounding those noisy gongs---they could bring our countries down.

In the entire world the fastest growing religions are Baha'i with a 2.28% growth and the Zoroastrians with a 2.65% growth---and no, Zoroastrians don't ride black horses and wear masks.

If the people in the USA really think that they are taking over, look in your own back yards---in your population you have 2% Jews but only 1.4% Muslims----I would be more frightened of the power of the Scientologists or those freaky people in Utah who are still waiting for the second coming 50 years after their prophet said he was coming to Salt Lake City.

That Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world is pure myth at best and at worst a deliberate deception of solid statistical facts.

Stop fueling these myths and forwarding on these emails---reply and tell the senders to check their facts---well, go on--Google it

Maybe you will be a little more tolerant and a little less scared

I DON'T CARE

2010-12-25T10:12:00.002+10:30

I don't care if you are Christian or follow any other faith.
I don't care if you don't have a faith to follow.

I don't care what colour your skin is
I don't care if you are young or old, tall or short, male or female.

So I guess that is you---and I have a message for you

MERRY CHRISTMAS

May we all have peace and joy.

Oh, and if you tell me when your special day is, I can celebrate that with you.

Oh, and I love you

NAUGHTY & NICE

2010-12-18T23:38:00.002+10:30

Every year I do my naughty and nice lists just like Santa.
But I work it the other way around--geez, maybe I could do a deal with Santa on the lists.
So anyone who has been real naughty, I send a Christmas card and an invitation---and those that have been nice all of the year, well, they get a quick email.
I really do like the naughty girls
Well, at least those who might want to be naughty.

Now where was I going with this---bloody wine---oh, yes, I've got it now
I knew that I had something to say.

So every year, I am the first person to send out the Christmas cards and every year I get the same number back
So I thought---are these people just being kind and sending back card for card.
Are these people really friends---do they actually think about me.

I don't have any immediate family and really only keep in touch with one cousin and one second cousin---the rest of the list are "friends"---some of whom, I only hear from once or twice a year.

So this year I am that guy---only sending back cards as I receive them---and then, knowing when the last deliveries will be, sending out cards to all of those on my list to say at least I thought of you.

It is a great time of the year to remember all of your family---even like me---all of those who are no longer with us.
Remember that you will regret---I'll guarantee this---you will regret not being there for any of your family when you no longer can be.
So be there for them now.
Forgive them for any indiscretions
Send them love and joy
It will cost you little but you will gain plenty.

I am lucky this year because my best mate is here from interstate and I will have lunch with him and his family----but the afternoon I will spend on the beach with my dog and remember my family.

Much love to you all

NEVER TOO OLD ?

2010-12-11T22:21:00.003+10:30

It is funny that when you are 16 / 17 / 18 / (insert other here )and you have become sexually active (your having it), you think that sex is the domain of the young and you are going to get what you can.

(Sorry, I forgot the Catholics----when you are 32 and have left your mothers house)

Well, young guys are trying to get all that they can and tell all of their mates how well they are doing (liars)--and young girls, petrified by the first experience, are trying to fight off the young blokes and telling their friends that they haven't done it yet.

The one thing that you never want to think about is your parents having sex---no no no, not never no.
But if you look at it, your parents were mid 30s to 40s when you joined this sexual revolution, so there is little doubt that they were comfortably shagging at home in bed when your spotty arse was bobbing up and down in the back of a car.

And worse than that, your grandparents were in their 50s to 60s and they were probably plonking their teeth in a glass alongside the bed and fumbling around under the sheets---granny may have even been giving grandpa a gummy, oh no, not oh shit, that is sick.

But the older you get, you realise that life didn't stop in your teens, twenties or thirties.

An article published this week in the local statewide paper, said that research has shown that one third of Australian men aged between 75 and 95 are still active between the sheets.
Now I'm only guess that they had a partner, because it didn't make that clear, but 95---oooohhhheeee, there is plenty to look forward to.
A further survey of 3274 men found that the frequency might not be there in the 70s, 80s and 90s but there was activity---about half of those sexually active were satisfied with the frequency---so I'm guessing the other half were getting a knock back here and there.

I showed the article to a friend of mine who is the nursing director of a local nursing home. She laughed and said that I would not believe the sexual activity that goes on in nursing homes.
And the best news that she gave me was that the women out number the men by three to one in most nursing homes.

So if you think that your age group is doing better than any other, then maybe you should think again
And if you are thinking that your sex life is coming to an end, maybe think again---well, unless you are 104

And if you are a teenager, yes, your parents are, your grandparents probably are and great grandad is a stud down at the nusing home.

Of course, if you are Catholic--it started at 32 and its all over by 42, so you'll just have to do for yourself and go to confession

WARNING

2010-12-04T22:24:00.003+10:30

WARNING---NAKED PHOTOS MAY OFFEND

It has been the coldest, wettest and windiest spring that I can remember.

Usually by November we are looking at mild sunny days with the occasional day of rain and wind----but this year it has been the other way around.
Eastern Australia is still having storms and floods.

But suddenly it's December and in Central Australia Summer has just appeared---and with summer the warnings have started.
Wear a hat
Wear sunglasses
Wear lightweight clothes with long sleeves.
Wear sunscreen
And make sure with children and those adults who cannot apply it to themselves, that you assist in the application of sunscreen

Now that is all good and well but there are times when you really don't want to assist people to apply sunscreen.

Of course there are those sun worshipers who just cant help themselves---and as soon as the sun is out, they want to lay out in the sun to get a tan.

Some people are lucky to have a pigmented skin and don't tan or burn as quickly as those with a pale skin---but they do burn.
A friend of mine has red hair and very fair skin and seems to break out in freckles before she starts to tan.
Personally, I am not going to lay out in the sun to bake and change my skin tone.

And of course the skin cancer warnings are out there again.
Check your spots, check your moles and if anything has a drastic change of colour or size, go and get it checked.

But I have one more warning for all of the guys.

If you are at the beach or near a pool or anywhere where there is a "young lady" sun baking---and you don't know her----and she asks you if you would mind rubbing some sunscreen into her exposed body parts----THINK----use your big brain, not that little one hidden away in your board shorts---THINK---
Do I know this girl ?
Would my partner like me doing this ?
Why would this girl want my hands on her body?

THINK----BE WARNED

WEDDING NIGHT

2010-11-30T22:54:00.005+10:30

We all dream that our wedding night will be something special.

OK, I suppose it is that little more special for those who have chosen to save themselves for the big night---well, I'm not so sure.
A lot of people don't perform too well under the stress of great expectation and to tell the truth, most guys are bloody hopeless without a road map or an operation manual.
Now I've turned a girl or two over in my life and I have yet to find operating instructions tattooed on their arse.

Now ladies, you can stop that chuckling and stone throwing and think back to your first time---come on, who took charge.
I have to tell you that it is painful when you try to drive that thing like a stick shift and doing the five finger shuffle with a hand full of nuts can bring the evening to a painful screaming halt.

So if it's gonna be your first time, take your time to explore the terrain, ask questions and answer them honestly, nothing is out of bounds if you both agree and no, you can't use Vick's Vaporub (mentholated heated chest rub) as a lubricant.

OK, well my bride and I decided on a fairly cheap wedding and spend the money on a honeymoon and a home deposit.
It was a great decision, especially when I found out that her debts were bigger than my savings---
Anyway, we got married in the front garden of her parents house and had the reception in the back garden---the weather gods were kind and, OK, I even cried--well, what do you expect from a guy when he standing there talking to his mates and he turns around to see the most beautiful vision in white walking towards him---I don't know about the rest of you at your wedding or another, but it was breath taking and she was there for me.

The day was fantastic---well there was one hiccup but really didn't take much gloss off the day.
There was plenty of food, plenty of booze and a great casual atmosphere.
I behaved very well and had little to drink and just enough to eat---I knew that we were heading for the honeymoon suite and that it should be a special night.

I thought that we would be the first to leave but it turned out that we were among the last
We arrived at the motel---the place was rocking---every car in the park had "Just Married" on one window or another---you could smell it in the air---hormones were running amok and we were about to join the action.
OK, I have to be honest here---this was not going to be our first time---although we hadn't lived together, we didn't miss too many nights---and of course, you cant drive home in that condition.
But we were now married---this was our wedding night----SPECIAL

My beautiful bride wanted the bathroom to herself and I heard a few stumbles in there but out she came---well, I nearly cried again--it was like Christmas---my best ever present was there in the best wrapping I had ever seen and I was going to enjoy unwrapping that very slowly.
I started to undress when my beautiful bride said to me---"Honey, I'm hungry, I want a yiros"----she grabbed me and held me tight and said ---"I'm sorry--I didn't eat much but I drank a lot and I really need something to eat"
What is a guy to do---his pants are around his ankles, he is as horny as you can get, but his loving bride is hungry.
I could have gone for a quickie to take the edge off, but this was our wedding night, so up with the pants, kiss the bride, find the car keys and head off to get her food.
I was only gone for 20 minutes---that motel was still rocking---there was a low sound of the moaning of satisfaction---so I dashed up to our room.
And there she was---my beautiful bride, passed out on the bed snoring her head off.

Normally, I wouldn't have tried to wake her but this was our wedding night and she was so hungry---
Well, the result was
Me sitting out on the balcony eating a yiros listening to the sounds of sex from every direction except from my room---it was snoring like a buzz saw.

OK, there was very good morning sex but the wedding night had gone and nothing was said---
There was some good times but overall they are right.
It starts heading down hill after the wedding night----well, it did for me
But I still like a good yiros

(Yiros---Greek marinated lamb with salad and garlic sauce in a wrap)

DESTINY 2

2010-11-21T20:56:00.003+10:30

OK, let's finish this---I have no idea why I stated---blame the booze.

So I've quit from my first full time job and I'd better get hunting for a new one--I still had in my mind that I wanted something in the Maritime industry and someone suggested the State Government---the Harbours Board---they ran the Ports, the wharfs and jetties throughout the State---so I had to make an application to sit a Public Service entrance examination---I did and it was simple.

I was out with a few friends and we may have got involved in a little underage drinking---we got cornered by a group of fairly large young blokes who were hell bent on fighting us over an altercation the previous night----problem was that it was not me or any of my friends involved, but they didn't want to believe us---
I soon worked out that they were Police Cadets from the local academy and basically told them if they took matter into their own hands, that I would front up at the academy the next day and none of them would have a job----with much grumbling, they backed down.

About a week later I got a message that I had my Public Service job and should report to the Courthouse to start work---Courthouse ?, there is something wrong here so I phoned the writer and was told that you just took a job in the Public Service and looked at the internal notice of vacancies every week til you found the job that you wanted----sounded fair to me so I reported for work at the Courthouse.
Nothing came up in the notice of vacancies in the first year and I had developed an interest in the law.
I had learnt respect for the hard job that the Police did and had found out that the large majority of them were great people----but I had also found out that there was a very small minority who were egotistical and would take short cuts in everything that they did
I had a couple of run ins with a young Police Officer stationed next to the Courthouse--I couldn't work out why until another young officer told me that he was a member of the academy group that I had backed down over 12 months before.

I was just getting out of my car in the courthouse car park when the academy boy yelled out to me--I've got you this time---I just followed and timed you for 2/10ths of a mile in St V street and you were speeding and you are booked---I said, "You have got to be joking--there is no way that I was speeding and there was no Police car following me"---He said "I got you in my own car and you're gone"----I gave him all of my details and went back to work----I wrote everything down from times and places to conversations had.
Two weeks later I got a summons to appear in my own Courthouse to answer the dastardly charges----I could plead guilty in writing and not appear, appear and plead guilty or appear and plead not guilty.

My big day came around and I sat in the Courtroom til my name was called---the Magistrate looked up and before the charge was read he said to me "Clyde, you know that you could have pleaded guilty in writing--if you think that appearing in person in front of me will get you any discount, you are wrong---now read the charge to him". The clerk read the charge and I think everyone in the court was taken back by my not guilty plea.
The Magistrate said "Well, that's a surprise but because we work in the same Courthouse and have had some contact, I cannot hear your trial--but one of the Country Circuit Magistrates will be here tomorrow and I will set it down before him--you will have to take the day off from work and attend here with your solicitor---will your solicitor be able to attend tomorrow ?"----the frown on his face only got worse when I said that I intended to conduct my own trial and would not have a solicitor to represent me.

I had a bit of a chuckle when my trial was called on the next day and half of the court staff and the resident Magistrate were sitting in the back of the court.
I had never met the Circuit Magistrate but he gave me the same speech about no favours just because I worked there then asked the Prosecutor to call his first witness----of course there was only one---Mr narky academy boy Policeman.

Through prompting from the prosecutor, he told the court that he was an experienced patrol officer and had experience in following and timing vehicles and apprehending offenders. He told the court how he had followed and timed me from one point in St V street till I turned off at Com Rd----the Magistrate thanked him and asked if I had any questions of the officer.----of course I did.

"Now officer, you have told the court that you followed and timed me from the N street intersection along St V street til I turned off at Com Rd--is that correct?"----Yes"----" Right, now could you tell the court if you can, did I come from further back on St V street or did I turn onto St V street from N street ?"---Yes, you turned onto St V street from N street"----"Thank you, now could you tell the court what sort of Police car you were driving at the time and if you have certification of the accuracy of the car's speedometer ?"----He glared at me and said "You know that I wasn't driving a Police car--it was my own car and the speedometer is accurate"---The Magistrate looked up but before he could speak, I asked the officer "So officer, do you have a certification of the accuracy of your speedometer?"

The Magistrate stopped me there "Clyde, you know that the officer does not have a certificate of accuracy, but if he is confident of the accuracy, we may have to adjust the speed down a little for penalty---now do you have anything else for this officer ?"
The poor bloody cop had a grin on his face from ear to ear almost laughing at me when I asked him " Well officer, have you ever read the Road Traffic Act?"---He smiled and it was almost a grunt as he said "Yes"----"Well officer under section 49 of the Act, you are required to follow me at a constant speed for 2/10ths of a mile--is that correct?"--"Yes, I know what it says"----"OK, thank you officer so do you know what Section 108 says?"
The Magistrate snapped "Yes Clyde, we all know what it says"---"Well sir, in that case, we all know that you have no discretion in allowing a meter that is not certified to be used in a prosecution".
There was a hush--I could see the Magistrates blood pressure rising---some bloody teenage kid had just questioned him on his decision on the law. I could feel myself starting to sweat but I kept my eyes fixed on him--it was like a little light switched on in his head---his fiery eyes glared at me and he said "Well Clyde, I suppose you know what section 55 of the Criminal Law Consolidation Act says?'---"I think so sir, I think it gives the presiding officer the power of general discretions, but it would not apply here"-----"Oh, you are so wrong Clyde, I can apply it where I think fit----so if you have nothing more for this officer, I think we should move on to any summations"
"Sir, I am reluctant to disagree with you but I do have one more thing of this officer"-----"Officer, you followed and timed me at a constant speed from no further back than N street, because we agree that I turned onto St V street from N street--so in turning I could not have been at the speed you suggest and would have to accelerate to that speed and you timed me from there at a constant speed---is that right ?"---"yes, I have already said that"-----"And officer, you would have to agree that I would have had to slow down to turn off into C road"----"Yes, that's right"
"So officer, how far is it from the N street intersection to the C road turnoff?"---The officer looked at the Magistrate who said "Humour him"---the officer looked back and said "I couldn't be sure"---
I couldn't help but smile when I said to him "Would it surprise you to know that it is less than 2/10ths of a mile from one intersection to the next--so if I was accelerating from one and slowing down at the other and the total distance is not 2/10ths of a mile, how did you follow and time me as you have said---oh, and be aware that I have Local Council measurements in my hand and I have one of your fellow officers outside who has measured it for me---so could you have been mistaken?"
The Magistrate called for my measurements to be handed up---stood the officer down from the witness box and called the other officer from outside---he testified to a measurement very close to the Councils certification---both of which were short of 2/10th of a mile.
The Magistrate dismissed the case but couldn't help but tell be that he could have held me for contempt----"Now Clyde, is there anything else"---"Well yes sir, I had to take a day off to appear here on instructions from one of your brother Magistrates so I would like costs in the amount of my days wage"---before the Magistrate could respond, the Prosecutor agreed to the cost so there was no way that the Magistrate could order otherwise.

I was in the office before going home to celebrate my day off and my victory when I got called into the resident Magistrates chambers----the Circuit Magistrate was there and said to me "Son, you need to show a little more respect to the Court"--I couldn't help myself and said "Sir, I have the utmost respect for the Court and for the Law but I have difficulty in respecting those who place their own interpretations on the law pander to their own ego"
Before the resident Magistrate could come to my defence, the circuit Magistrate laughed and said "Son, you have guts, you have a good knowledge of the law and you will go far if you decide to stay on the right side of the law."

So I never applied for that job in the maritime industry---but I did complete all University Certificate Course in the Administration of Justice
And I still like to go into Court and have a little joust with the lawyers and Magistrates---but only when I know the law and know that I am right
I will treat everyone with the respect that their office deserves as long as they extend me the same courtesy.

And no matter what that Police Officer did, I still believe that the overwhelming majority of Officer do a great job and are fair and honest----I wouldn't want their job.

DESTINY 1

2010-11-20T21:07:00.002+10:30

I was 17 years old and had flown through my final year of high school---I didn't have to wait for my results, I knew that I had passed every subject and passed them well.
My parents were pointing me towards a University education but I wanted to earn money--I didn't want another 4 or 5 years of a decent degree---I wanted to be out in the world and raking in the big money ---ha, smart kid.
It wasn't that I didn't know where I wanted to work but as to what I wanted to do, that was another thing.
My maternal grandfather was an engineer in the ship building industry in Scotland, my paternal great grandfather was a master mariner---owning and mastering ships that traded along the coast of Australia and my paternal grandfather was a wharf and jetty builder for all of the Ports of this state.
I was born and lived all of my life on a peninsular with magnificent beaches but great views of our deep water port on one side and an ocean fed river and inner port on the other side.
I was always on boats---I just loved shipping--it was a passion---and I was going to work in some sort of marine industry---which one, I had no idea---but one of them.

My parents insisted that if I wasn't going to University to study, that I should be working as soon as possible---and they instilled into me that if I could.t find the job that I really wanted, I should take a job to earn my way and get some experience---seemed fair to me so I applied for seven jobs--none of them in my chosen field but all not far from home.
I got seven call backs / interviews---good deal, it was easy. Six of them were an absolute coast and I was happy that I had done well but the seventh one was strange---they had aptitude tests, psychological tests and mathematical tests--well, it was in an accounting area.
I turned up for my testing thinking that it would be one on one with an interviewer but there I was in a classroom situation with eleven other people---test booklets were handed out, the clock ticked over and we had a maximum of three hours to complete all testing. About an hour in I had finished and sat there staring into oblivion--the testing officer came to me and asked what was wrong---I told him that I was finished---he looked at me and said "I doubt that---very few people can finish these tests in the three hours allowed, so you have done something drastically wrong--maybe you should take the time to look through them again"
Now that panicked me and I started all over again going through one test after another --it took as long as doing the tests but not long after the two hour point I was sitting there looking at the interviewer---he came to me and I told him I had checked everything and was happy with my work---he took my tests and escorted me from the room and told me that I had done something drastically wrong and that I really shouldn't expect to hear from them again----and I didn't think I would.

I decided which of the jobs I wanted---it was with a nation wide airline and could hold my interest for a while.
I got replies from the original six interviews, five of them offering me a job and of course, the airline said I'd finished second so they couldn't offer me a job right then.
The next day I heard from the the seventh--they wanted me to come in and talk about my testing.
I was sure that I stuffed up---well, the interviewer told me---but I thought that I might as well find out where I went wrong.
I turned up for an interview with the managing director of this major electronics company, expecting to be told that I was stupid----he started of by saying that he couldn't offer me the accounting job--even though I had aced the mathematical testing, the aptitude testing said that my abilities should be used elsewhere---I stood up, shook his hand and thanked him but he stopped me---no Clyde, we wont give you this job but what we want to offer you is a cadetship in Electrical Engineering--we will pay you to go to University and you will work with our engineers here and interstate---you will be fast tracked and from what your testing reveals, you should have a 5 year degree in 3 years.
Now that stopped me in my tracks---I had refused my parents pleas to go to University because I wanted money and here I was being offered the only cadetship in Australia and being paid a full wage to go to University.
It was a lot to think about and I asked for a few days to make a decision.

Two days later I had made up my mind.
I had methodically gone through the pros and cons of every job on offer to me and I had made my decision for the best of reasons.

Ten days later I started work with a British based insurance company.
Why ?
Well the receptionist had a great pair of tits.
Hey, I was 17 years old---and what do 17 year old boys think about.

Turned out that she was 26 and hated younger guys

A week after I started, the Airline contacted me and offered me the job---but I chose to stay---
I only lasted 3 months---it was not challenging in the least and those tits just weren't worth it---I quit and went in search of a job in shipping.

Next time

ELEMENTS

2010-11-11T14:52:00.002+10:30

I married into a family who all seemed to suffer from the same flaw---basic stupidity.
But that is in my past and I am well out of it.
Well, I have been divorced for some years but I still get phone calls from various members of the family looking for some sort of assistance with their problems.
It was egotistical of me to think that I am smarter or more logical than them but they keep feeding my ego by phoning me.

My ex sister in law phoned me to see if I could do anything to help her husband (my ex wife's brother). He had been arrested and charged with larceny (stealing) and with a previous indiscretion, had been told by his lawyer that he would probably go to gaol.
OK, I do not have a law degree but have worked in the law all of my life---I do know a fair bit about the laws of my state.
I really didn't want to get involved but I always liked my ex sister in law and they do have a young family----so I told her to get my ex brother in law to phone me.

Of course, straight away, he thought I could use some sort of favour or leverage to get him out of his predicament----told you that they weren't too bright.
His story was that he had taken two shock absorbers from a car on the side of the road and had been caught by a police patrol staking out the car.
OK, that's all pretty simple---he did it---he's guilty---and that's what he thought and that's what his lawyer thought----simple, she is a public defender--free lawyer--and she will help him explain his circumstances to the court and try for the best sentence.
So G, tell me about this car---was this the first time you had seen it---did you have tools with you or did you break the pieces off it ?
"No Clyde, the car was almost a shell---been dumped on it's roof on the side of the road---I had ridden past it for four days going to and from work and only stopped to look on the fourth day---went home, got tools, went back and got the shockers---the cops came from nowhere and grabbed me."
OK, so what did the cops tell you---"They told me it was a stolen car and that I was stealing from it and I was going to be charged---and I wasn't the first one that they had caught."
So G, you saw the car there for four days, who did you think had dumped it there--
"Clyde, I thought the owner had stripped it and dumped it---all of the ID plates were gone so no one could trace the owner"
OK, so when are you due in court---"Tomorrow"
Alright, I will see you there.

I met G at the court and wanted to see his lawyer----she was in the courtroom representing another six people ---she would see him just before his case was called on----G, this is the first time you have been to court on this---"No, I've been twice before, pleaded guilty and I am getting sentenced today"---Shit G, you could have told me that before--I can see this all going wrong but wait here, I'll be back and don't go into court without me.
Knowing a few people in the court office, I got access to a computer, looked up a form, filled it in and printed it off, went back to G and got him to sign it---typical, he signed it and then asked what it was for.
Well G, you are going to sack your lawyer and you are going to seek the leave of the court to have me as a McKenzie Friend---an unqualified friend to speak on your behalf----G is dumb and very trusting, so he decided to go with the flow but sacked why sack the lawyer----well mate, I can't trust her to do what I need her to do--and by the way, you are not guilty of any offence in this case.
The lawyer, being very busy in court or not really caring, did not come outside to speak to G before his matter was called on for hearing----I had to urge him to talk to the Magistrate and to hand up his signed McKenzie Friend notice----the Magistrate was not impressed, asked G if he understood what he was doing and released to lawyer from the case.

The Magistrate was less impressed when I made an application to withdraw the guilty plea and plead not guilty----he insisted that any change of circumstances and admissible facts be presented to the Court before he would even think about allowing a change of plea.

Well your honor, the elements of the offence of larceny include that the offender knew that he had no right to take the goods, that he took the goods without permission of the owner, that he meant to permanently deprive the owner of the goods, and that the offender knew that the goods were owned by another person-----the problem with this case is that the car was dumped on the side of the road, had been there for four days and that my friend thought that the owner had dumped it there and relinquished all rights to it---he thought that the goods had no owner---so you cannot knowingly steal something which you believe does not have an owner or that the owner has relinquished all rights of ownership..

The magistrate allowed the change of plea and set the matter down for a trial.

Two weeks later my G received a letter from the prosecutions branch that the matter had been withdrawn and that the matter would be dismissed in court on the trial date.
Just to make sure that there were no loose ends, we had the matter called on in court later that week and it was dismissed.

I knew what my result would be---within a week, my ex in laws didn't want to know me again----but of course, they will call when they need me---and I can decide if I should help----I'm getting less inclined.
The one thing I didn't tell G or any of his family was that we could have applied for costs against the prosecution and got his four days of lost wages paid---but just for completeness, I did tell the prosecutor -----he roared with laughter and he did tell the public defender lawyer, who actually learned a lesson on the law.

LADY BY PROFESSION

2010-10-25T21:01:00.002+10:30

A few years ago I went to Malaysia to visit a friend of mine who was based there in the Australian Air force.
His Asian wife told him that he should take me on a tour of the "bars".
Now, I'm not naive but this is my mates wife sending us out, so I'm thinking we are out for a night of drinking----but we are in Asia, so yes you are right.

No sooner had we sat down than two girls are sitting at our table and asking us to buy them drinks. I'll buy any lady a drink so of course I bought drinks ----the conversation soon turned to sex and we are being offered everything with a very reasonable (cheap) price tag----we had a good few drinks and I realised that I was alone with this girl---my mate had disappeared with the other girl---married men.
Now I have nothing against the very honourable profession but I will never pay for sex---just something in my head----but I paid my companion, bought her another drink or two and sat there talking to her.
She told me that she got paid a very small amount for each drink that I bought and that she got half of the money that she was paid for sex (so I gave her a few dollars more for herself)----she was from a very poor family and this was the best way that she could make money for her family----her mother had been in the business before her. She introduced me to a very beautiful girl who sat down with us to talk---business was slow----but then she told me that this beauty was her brother.
Brother---no no, sister---no sir he is my brother--"show him"----and he did---he had quite substantial wedding tackle------he told me the same sort of story----that this was the best way he had to support his family----and with a very tidy body, hormone enhanced breasts--he showed me---he was earning a good living giving and taking what he could----and he told me that us Anglo Saxon people enjoy playing with lady boys.---NOT ME BUDDY, but thanks for the show.

My mate convinced his wife that he should take me down to Singapore for a week---and she agreed-----he actually needed to get away for a week because he had an STD from our visit the bars.
On our second night he took me to the Offshore Club---at least he told me that we were going to a place full of lady boys-----I admit that it was a great night and neither of us disappeared to a dark place to be tugged or swallowed by the stars of the show----but I spotted who I thought was my neighbours daughter---I walked over, tapped her on the shoulder and said "Elizabeth, what are you doing here"----the answer was in a very deep voice and after explaining myself, I had a friend for the night-----we left at 5 in the morning and my "Elizabeth" jumped in the cab with us and directed us to the best place for breakfast----her/his name was Marina---we had breakfast with the other lady boys and grabbed a cab back to the hotel---Marina came with us because she lived that way--so I paid the cabby to take her home.
Around midday, we were having breakfast/lunch and Marina turned up---this beautiful woman/man showed us around town--places my mate had never seen and the cheapest shopping ever---I tried to buy her dinner at one of the better hotels but she wouldn't come in because her sister worked there----her story was the same as those in Malaysia---this was the best way he/she could earn money to support his/her family---but he made sure that his sister followed another life. We wanted to eat there so without embarrassment to my new friend, I paid him/her for a great time, with no sex---wished her/him good luck and it was over.
Marina did tell me that they were called Shims and there was a yearly competition to find the Queen of the Shims---the winner received the option of an all expenses paid sex change operation in Denmark----ooh, what a prize---you have just won having your dick chopped off---be still my heart.

Well here I am in Asia, so my mate drove me up and across the Thailand border----no sooner are we in our hotel and the lift/elevator driver is offering us everything from his 16 year old sister to his 12 year old brother.
OK, I'm an Australian and pretty broadminded, but offering your whole family up between the ground floor and the tenth floor seemed pretty sad to me----I spoke to the lift driver later and basically, this was the only way that his family survived and they were lucky because he had his contacts in the hotel and they all got plenty of work.
I was not surprised to go to the bars and find the lady boys in action---and god some of these guys/girls are bloody stunning----and what is it about me that I end up talking to them----and would you guess---yep, same story---poor family and the best way of earning a dollar.

OK, I've finished my tour but then on line I see this thing about Futanari Dolls in Japan-----it's the same thing all over again but nothing is said about being from poor families---more it is an honourable profession---OK, I'll believe that---the families must be so proud---my son is pretty and has breasts and does things with men---oh, and with unsuspecting women.---Japanese

So this week I hear from an old work mate I haven't heard from in years---he has been running a bar in the Philippines for the past five years----his girls earn an average wage of $4 a day but get paid extra per drink bought by their customer and they pay a premium on anything that they earn by taking a customer off site---hmm, must be tour guides----he told me that his biggest earners were lady boys--and told me the same story about them---
But what he did say, that totally astounded me, was that as the girls get older, they want to get pregnant---because their children are their superanuation---those kids will play the same game and support their parents as they get older.

Lets just finish this off----I saw this documentary about six months ago about the big earners in the sex industry in India were lady boys----I think they were called Hindras----and the most beautiful could win competitions and end up with a full sex change operations----and guess what---they were from poor families and it was the best way of earning money.

I want to go to Vietnam in the near future and I have seen some of the locals portrayed as cheap sex workers---it is not my intention to look for sex workers but am I going to find lady boys working their hearts out for poorer families
I love Asia---it is great to be and see somewhere that has a completely different lifestyle to my own. Most Asians are very gentle people and very proud of their countries and way of life.
Is it sad that they find a way of life offering sexual services to Anglo tourists---is it sad that young boys become women by profession---but what would their life be if they didn't make this choice

Oh, and I have payed plenty of sex workers in Asia money but none for sex---but I have learnt a lot.

CONSENTING

2010-10-02T22:13:00.002+09:30

A good friend phoned me last week in a real panic.
His young son had just been arrested and charged with having sex with his under age girlfriend-----as young couples are inclined to do.

Now my friend called me because I have worked in the law all of my life. He wanted to know what he should do---which lawyer he should go to----would his son go to gaol---would a conviction be on his record for the rest of his life.

I laughed at him, told him to keep his head, not to get angry with his son and that I would be at his home in an hour.
My first question to his son was "How did the Police get involved--who told them ?."
It was the girls Father who had caught them in the act---embarrassing to have a parent wander in while you are nuts deep in their daughter----ah, but I didn't say that.
Second question was "How old is your girlfriend ?"-----Just turned 16----And "How old are you ?"----come on Uncle Clyde, you know I'm 16, you were at my birthday party.
Now for the big question---"Did you force her or did she want to do it ?"----It was her idea--she wanted to try it and so did I.

Now the age of consent in my State is 17-----very confusing country---the laws are mainly State Laws---other States have an age of consent of 16---one State has 16 but you have to be 18 to try anal sex---now that's confusing----and there is one State that we all joke about saying it's OK at any age as long as it's your sister and you have tried it with a sheep first----
OK, back to the serious story.

So with all of the information that I needed, I phoned the arresting officer---I know him---He said "Clyde, you know I cant talk to you about this.---the father has complained to us, we have a statement from the girl, your mate's son has admitted it, so we had to charge him"-----Yep, that's fine--you have a statement from the girl, you have a statement from the boy, so have you arrested and charged the girl?.

There was a strange silence on the phone then a "What do you mean--the girl---why"
Well, the boy is under the age of consent, you have these statements, so she is as guilty as he is, you have the same evidence against her, why isn't she arrested and charged ?
He laughed--but realised that I was right---"What are we going to do with this Clyde--what do you suggest ?".
Well I would suggest that you go and tell her father what you have now discovered and that the boys father is happy that no charges be laid against his daughter if he reconsiders the charges against his son.

It was all a done deal within an hour and all charges were dropped---but my mates son is not allowed to see his girlfriend anymore---well not officially.

But it got me thinking---what is an appropriate age of consent---is it 16 or 17 or maybe some other age.

OK, so I checked on the Web----just to see what was the go in other countries.
Scandinavian countries are quite famously liberal in their views yet they varied from 15 to 18.
American States are as bad as Australia---a variety of ages
Yet sneak across the boarder to Mexico and its 14
India intrigued me---it's 14 if your married and it can be lowered, but 16 if you are not married----married at 14 or younger---come on.

It was an interesting list---there was even provisions in some countries that are the targets of sex tourists that the age alters if there is money involved or there is coercion by a much older adult.

BUT here it is---yes it was on the list---look it up if you like---
Through all of Europe, the youngest age of consent was 15 except for--
Oh, I don't believe it
No wonder we have trouble all around the world from people associated with this State

The lowest age of consent in the world is 12---yes, 12 years old and it is The VATICAN STATE----yes, look it up
No wonder the Pope doesn't want to get involved with Priests having sex with children---it's OK in the VATICAN

CRIMES & STARS

2010-09-22T21:17:00.005+09:30

Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone----well, it went something like that---and hey, you, stop chucking those rocks---we know what you've done.

I worked with a man a good few years ago who gave me a good piece of advice---
"Clyde, there's two types of people in this world---those that are in gaol and those that could have been"
I laughed at the time but realised that he was telling me to take everyone on face value and to let them prove me wrong.

But literally, maybe he was right.

We have all ----well, at least me---done something in our lives that could have landed us on the wrong side of the law.

OK, I'm going to admit to having a sexual relationship with an under age girl---and that could have put me in gaol
The fact was that she was a little more under age than I was, but the guys always get it in the neck and if we had been found out, I probably would have ended up in court and maybe gaol.
I did do a little drunken driving in my early days and of more recent times, I may have threatened an obnoxious neighbour with some rather unusual bodily bodily harm.

Probably the worst thing I have ever done in my life was to throw someone in front of a train---OK, well I was 11 years old, he was the school bully and he was picking on my brother who had polio-----no police, no gaol time and we have been friends for life.

OK, that's the crime bit----

I was reading the free little local paper and came to that page--you know--connections---the dating column.
I love to read them and admit to answering a couple of adds a few years back--
They are sad, pathetic, funny and mostly unrealistic.
54 year old woman wants man, must be tall, slim, non smoker, non drinker aged 30 to 35.-----come on mum, put the children down
Now I really don't care if you call yourself young at heart because your bust line is now where your waist used to be-----I don't care if you call yourself buxom because you talking bathroom scales yell for one at a time---
Oh, does easy going mean that you put out and does nice gentleman mean, but not with me ?

But, I'm looking for a nice Taurus or Libran guy---or want a loving Pisces girl.
Come on---since when did your star sign maketh the man.
I know of 5 people born on my birth day and a few born under the same star sign and I don't really relate to any of them.
I share a birth date with Shakespeare---enough said---me, a poet, playwright--insecure---never
Adolph Hitler shares my star sign---now I may be guilty of a conquest or two, but never a country and I'm not racist.

So what the fuck---oh, there's that word again---descriptive----so what the fuck does your star sign have to do with who or what you are.

A great little skit from Billy Connolly---young man dancing with a strange girl at a local dance and she asked him what his star sign was---"Ah, Sagittarius, half man, half horse, licenced to shit in the street"

And that's about what I think of star signs---oh, hang on, it says I'm going to come into some money----yeh,right, like I'm gonna wank in my wallet.

Oh well, you know more about me---scary

QUESTIONS

2010-09-12T20:51:00.002+09:30

Over a year or two of blogging and emailing, friends have sent me questionnaires on all sorts of subjects and I have ducked them with a passion.
But the Irish Connection, Mapstew, just completed one on his blog and shouted out for me to do the same----and being the very polite young man that he is, he added--only if you want to.

OK, it's taken me a while but I thought, just this once, I would complete one. Just the 8 questions.

1. WHY DID YOU START BLOGGING.

OK, a friend of mine started to write a blog and gave me the link. I commented on her posts anonymously. When I tried to comment on Steph Shaws blog, I couldn't without a Blog Account--so Clyde was born. It was the lovely Ms Shaw who encouraged me to post my own stories after seeing something in my comments--she thought I had something to say. Thank you Steph and hurry back.

2. I YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WITH NO RESTRICTION ON COST, WHERE WOULD IT BE AND WHY ?

My mother was born in Scotland and I love all things Scottish, so I would be off to Scotland tomorrow. But of course, while I am in that part of the world, I have to go to Ireland to see a beautiful country and to meet up with Stew for a pint or two--and he's going to get me a Corr.-----I'm almost duty bound to go to Britain & Ireland.
But---I do love all things Asian. I've been to Malaysia and Singapore and want to go back but I really want to see Vietnam, China, Korea and Japan---I guess it's lifestyles completely different to mine.

3. DID YOU HAVE A TEACHER AT SCHOOL WHO HAD A GREAT INFLUENCE ON YOUR LIFE ? IF SO, WHAT ?

Oh yes. Her name was Colleen Davis. She was my history teacher in my first year of high school--aged 13---she was also the sports mistress--and quite often she would come to teach our class in a very short little tartan skirt---she had a habit of sitting on the front of her desk while she lectured.
I failed history but learned every way to be in the right position to see up her skirt and had more erections in that hour lesson than any other week in my life---I think I learned a lot about raging teen hormones.

4. IF YOU COULD SPEND THE DAY WITH A FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO ?

Should I say Pamela Anderson because I want to look at her tits--but they're plastic and will melt one day----or George W Bush to just ask him why---or Monica Lewinsky to ask if she really thought it was a good idea----but no---I would love to spent a day talking to Billy Connolly. Billy has an opinion on everything in life and can see the fun in the world---amazing for a man who had a very sad upbringing

5. TOILET PAPER. UNDER OR OVER ?

Thank you Ponita for telling me what this meant.
Well I never really cared and it always used to be under so that you pulled it away from the wall---but then the best paper---you know --the one that your fingers never go through--nasty---but the best started to put a printed pattern on it so you should mount it over---it looks better
Things were so simple when it was just white or a pastel peach colour.

6. NAME ONE THING IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU WOULD DO OVER IF POSSIBLE ?

I have often thought about this and it is always the same.
I had been going out with this beautiful girl for about four weeks when my best mate came home from an Air force posting---he wanted to go to an Air force party and needed me to drive. Instead of telling my girl the truth, I told her a lie and went to the party. Rosalind Fox, I'm sorry--it was the dumbest thing that I have ever done--I should not have lied
Note: he is still my best friend but I will always wonder what could have been.

7. TELL US ABOUT YOUR PETS, IF ANY

I'm a dog person---always have been. I have a beautiful golden Labrador girl who walks the beach with me every day---she runs my life.I have a budgie--little Australian parrot---I hate birds in cages---they should be free---but I am looking after him for 6 weeks---well I was---he has been here for three years--his owner is in a nursing home---I cant let him free--born in captivity and he would die.
And of course a horse---she now lives at a breeding farm and has a foal due in about 4 weeks.

8. DO YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN OR A LARGE TOWN ?

I live in the seaside suburbs of the capital city of my State--I'm close to the sea, not far --30 mins---from the city and less than 30 minutes from the edge of suburbia.

OK Stew, Ive done it---so the deal now is that I should nominate other people to do the same things so that I know more about you---but I don't like doing these things, so I'm not going to start naming people to do the same.

But if you don't the bluebird of happiness will fly up and shit all over your shoulders-----and you are probably not that interesting in any case

CELEBRATING SORROW

2010-09-05T23:17:00.002+09:30

Today is Fathers Day in Australia

A day when so many people celebrate having or being a father.
A day of respect for fatherhood.
A day when families get together. A family day.

There are a few family days during the year and hopefully some of them are the reasons for families forgetting about anger and fear and getting together and remembering that they are a family.

The weather has not been kind over the past week but this morning the sun shone and I walked the beach with my dog.
I spoke to my father and told him that I loved him.
And as a tear rolled down my cheek, I told him that I missed him.

My father died some years ago and I spread his ashes on the beach he loved to walk.

I have no family, so these family days are not so happy but they are a good reminder of the wonderful people who have passed through your life.

It's my Mum's birthday soon.
I'll talk to her and tell her that I love her.

She is on the beach with Dad---

Sometimes I want to stay with them

COY ABOUT CONQUESTS

2010-08-25T22:12:00.002+09:30

We all know that guy
You know the one---the guy who brags about his conquests with the girls. You know---the one who has a new conquest every week yet he has never had a relationship.
You know---that guy who says "why buy a book when you can join a library"

Personally, I think that most of them have joined a library and are home every night reading a book----but they call them studs.

And we all know that girl
You know the one---the girl that all of the guys talk about and they have all been "with". You know---the one who has a great personality an talks to everyone but they never seem to be in a long term relationship.

Personally, I think that they are usually great people and can be friends with both guys and girls and don't need to be in love or in a relationship----but they call them sluts.

How judgemental are we ?
Guys get a medal that most of them don't deserve.
Girls get a label that none of them deserve.

But then you get into a relationship---a relationship that you want to be in with a partner you would really love to spend a long time with---maybe a life time, and then you become very coy about previous conquests.

It's one of those tricky quandaries. If you admit to too many previous partners then you might appear more than a a little promiscuous.
Your reputation as a stud wont impress your prospective partner and of course, that double standard labelling you as a slut, definitely wont impress any one.

But then if the number that you admit to is too small, then you might be perceived as an inexperienced prude or inadequate lover.

Some recently released research--(geez, who does this research--I've never been asked) shows that there is a split between the genders when it comes to answering that embarrassing question.
Of course most men lie---but most of them increase the number.
But only about a third of women lie but the greatest majority of those reduce the number.

The average number of sexual partners, according to this survey was seven for women and thirteen for men.
The one thing that they didn't make clear was were these figures for a lifetime of for the past year.
Now world population figures say that there is 52% females and 48% males, so you have to say that some of these "studs" are yet to pop the wax in their ears and there could be a "slut" or two who has been around the clock a few times.

But who really wants to ask these questions---who cares---who really wants to know.
Doesn't a partners sexual life begin from the day that you met them--?----after all, aren't you the best root ever ?

I've gotta stop reading the papers

HORSE OF ANOTHER COLOUR

2010-08-05T23:45:00.004+09:30

There is an old English saying--"That's a horse of another colour"---basically meaning that it is a whole new story---or it is something else completely-----but this is the literal meaning

OK, if you have read here for a while, you would know that I have been tied up with racing horses from one code or another for far too many years.
My first foray into harness racing / trotting involved becoming a client of an 84 year old female trainer.

Now this lady had come to Australia from England with her husband and family, bringing an English thoroughbred stallion to our shores.
She was a brilliant horsewoman who had a great love of horses.
She had been involved with show riding all of her life and working thoroughbred gallopers for so many years----she was from an era where harness horses were not just for racing but were an accepted way of transport.

OK, so I had been with her for a few years and had been well educated by her and her 65 year old stable foreman, in racing harness horses and the respect for and caring for horses----they were people who had a great respect for the animals in their care and I had almost become part of their stable team.

Now here's the story----
I had my own horse transporting float
Now we had three horses racing at one of our country track in a midweek races---
So, Clyde, can you take a day off work and transport one of the horses for us ?---of course, I'm going to do it.
Now I get to the stables ready to go and my lovely old trainer tells me to take the horse that is in the first race---he is not a good traveller and that I should head off as soon as I can to give him time to settle in on the race course---
It was a nice warm day and I had brushed this magnificent looking grey horse out and had him ready to go----but as I loaded him, my old trainer yelled out that I should travel him in a woolen rug---get one out of the trunk in the harness room---a good one, a clean one-----so of course I did----this beautiful red English rug with contrast trimmings.

OK, so they told me that he travelled badly but it was a horror trip to the racecourse---this horse kicked out and moved around the float every mile of the trip.
I got to the course and unloaded the horse----I noticed that the bottom of the float was wet, not only from his urine but from sweat---I took the horse to his tie up stall and took off the red rug----there it was----oh shit.
The dye had run from the red rug and I had a pink horse on my hands.
It was before mobile phones, so I was alone with this pink horse, due to race in about 90 minutes.

I went to the chief racing steward and asked for a veterinary inspection and a stewards inspection on the horse----
All they could do was laugh but there was nothing wrong with him and he was cleared to race.
I was harnessing him up when the chief steward came down to see him----sorry Clyde, I had to come down when they told me he was pink----and walked off laughing.
I couldn't help but think of what my dear old lady trainer was going to say when she saw him but that turned out to be the least of my worries----
The other car and float carrying my trainer, her daughter and the stable foreman had broken down, so I was left to get this pink horse into the parade ring and onto the race track.
His race driver came to take him from me in the parade ring and all he could say was---fuck Clyde, he's pink, he is actually fucking pink----
Great observations, but I gave him his instructions and let him head off to the track---my instructions could have been to hide the big pink bastard in the field but he had not won in 14 starts, so it was all about confidence.
I saw my trainers car arrive as I left the parade ring and went to help them unload the other two horses---they were more worried about how I had got on with the big grey---I said nothing other than he was on the track and ready to go.

Now luckily my trainer had this superstition thing about not watching her horses race, so it was only the stable foreman and I who walked up to the mound to watch the race.
The first thing he said was, fuck, that horse looks pink, now where is Pookie----I've gotta tell you something Jim----and I told him the whole story
Now Threyshun, stable name Pookie, had never won a race and we weren't too confident after his trip and change of colour, but of course he just had to stand out to the crowd and jump to the front.
The course commentator had to make comment on his colour which confused my poor old trainer who was listening in----
I think it was the only time on a racetrack that I was almost hoping for the horse to drop out and finish in the middle of the field and old Pookie had never won a race, but of course he lead from start to finish.

My dear old trainer was extatic until she saw Pookie heading back to the stall---and when the chief steward turned up, she thought we were going to be swabbed for drugs and tried to explain the colour-----but the chief steward laughed and congratulated her on the first pink horse to race and indeed win a race.

She would never again let me leave home with a horse until she had inspected it and its rugs.
Threyshun's owners lived interstate and commented when they got his racing photo that he looked a little pink----my trainer said it must be some tint in the photo.

Never before and never again has a pink horse raced on any track in Australia---maybe I hold a world record that will never be broken.

Oh, Threyshun---he never won another race

NOW I'VE HEARD IT ALL

2010-07-26T21:08:00.002+09:30

How many times have your heard that---I've heard it all.
And a lot of times that you will say that in your life will be after hearing some new rule in relation to schools and / or children.

I will never agree with child abuse or with parents badly beating their children but I am afraid that I will always agree with some sort of corporal punishment administered by a fair minded parent or teacher.

The Government Child Services Departments of the world seem intent on empowering children to become self regulating and with more rights than any adult.

It is now not acceptable for parents or teachers to speak harshly to or embarrass children in front of anyone.

But what will happen when these kids grow up and get a job ?
Will they be allowed to act as they like in the work place ?

Well, they probably will because if admonished in any way, it will be against Equal Opportunity Regulations, or Workplace Relations Rules.

Don't laugh, I can see it coming---these regulations for kids are going to carry forward to adulthood.

OK, so here it is----carry this one forward

You are not going to believe it, but yes, I read it in an interstate paper.

Child psychologists and school counsellors have suggested that it is OK and indeed healthy, for year 1 and year 2 children to masturbate in class.
What the fuck ?
We are talking about 5 to 7 year old children.

Now I don't know about you, but I didn't get into tampering with myself until I was much older----at least 12 or 13..
And basically the story around at the time was that if you did it, you would go blind and end up with hair on the palms of your hands---I now wear glasses but the hands are smooth.
We were discouraged from hiding in our bedrooms or behind the shed and tampering with ourselves, now they want 5 to 7 year olds to beat one off in class and teach everyone else how it's done.
Maybe in the end they will get graded on their performance and the teachers will hand out tissues.-----hmm, maybe they will supply a little towel with their uniforms

The worrying thing is that some professional has suggested this-----
Then you have to worry that it's gonna happen----then that those 5 to 7 year olds will want to carry it on into teenage years
I can just see that----a 16 year old boy beating one off in class next to a 16 year old girl----or over a 25 year old teacher----

And then carry it forward----those 5 year olds are going to be adults working in an office---well, they let me do it at school, why cant I do it in the office---I have rights.

NEXT

BOYS CLUB

2010-07-16T20:19:00.002+09:30

I cannot believe that any respected organisation in the western world is allowed to discriminate against women.
But here it is-----this week, July 2010, it was announced by one of the biggest employers in the world, that the board of directors and the chief executive officer (pictured below) have met and decided that they will not allow any woman to hold an executive position within the organisation

Indeed, the announcement from the Vatican this week is that they have decided to declare it as a SIN to ordain any woman within the Roman Catholic church.

OK, if you are at all genteel in your outlook, this is the stage you should stop reading and leave this site.

Right, now they've gone I have to say

How fucking dare they
Who the fuck do they think they are

They keep on proving to the world that they are living in the past and they are quite content to do so.
This mob, as an organisation, raises more money in charitable donations than any other charity in the world.
And compared to any other religion in the world, spend more money on their own infrastructure, executive officers and stored riches.
Admittedly, they spend plenty on charitable deeds, but when you have a look at the people on the front line performing valuable services, the majority are women.

But it doesn't matter how much work these women do under sometimes atrocious conditions, they cannot work their way up through the organisation---well maybe they can to a certain degree but now that it has been declared a sin to ordain women, they can never work their way into the inner sanctum of the executive officers.

With this edict being an unashamed public announcement from the chief executive officer, maybe it is about time that someone took this organisation to courts of equal opportunity in any western county, or maybe in every country and tested the legality of their rulings.

How can these men think that this is fair---and more than that, how the fuck can they make it a sin.
What do they think will happen if woman become priests?
Do they think that woman will not be able to resist their sexual urges and end up sinning with the choir boys ? ----oh no, we cant have any of that going on---not sex between males an females ---oh no no no, heaven forbid.

We have been breaking down the boys clubs in every industry in the world---but I'm betting that this one will never be broken

WORLD CUP / WORLD SERIES

2010-07-08T20:19:00.005+09:30

You would have to be hiding in the wilds of Outer Mongolia not to know that the World Cup of Football / Soccer is being played in South Africa

A magnificent meeting of the countries of the world on the sporting fields of South Africa.
Of course I supported the Australian team---hey, I'm an Aussie and it was a team representing my country.
But they weren't there for too long---the world football game or soccer as we call it in Australia, is not our number one football game.----but we are improving and in 4 years time, we could be more competitive.
Once Australia was out, my allegiances changed to The Netherlands and I'm hoping they can go all the way---all the way in the World Cup to become champions of the world.

But who ever wins, they will truly be the World football Champions.

Now to all of my friends from the USA.
Your team has just competed in this world championship and have done extremely well and you should be justly proud of your players.
Hopefully, like Australia, your country will be more competitive in four years time and one day, even be world champions.

But I will never understand the mentality of a sporting nation that runs an internal competition, not playing against any other country and lays claim to it being a world series championship.
I have little doubt that if there was a true world series of baseball, open to all nations, that the USA would win more games than they would lose and that they would probably be world champions more often than not----but until you are playing against the rest of the world, how can you have a world series.

WITHOUT A TRACE

2010-07-03T21:37:00.002+09:30

I am the end of the line

My father was an only child but produced two sons
My brother died young without having married or produced children and you know my story---no kids, so I am the end of the line.

My father told me that he did not want to be buried when he died---he wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered on our local beach.
My brother asked me to have him cremated and his ashes scattered at the State Athletics track----he was a coach, a national coach who had devoted his life to his sport---he had been appointed to the Olympic coaching panel about a month before his cancer was diagnosed and died before he could live his dream.
My mother decided that she wanted her ashes spread on our beach with the ashes of my old Labrador but with a smirk on her face, asked that I move them down the beach a little from where my fathers were spread.

As part of my inheritance, I gained control of my father's family burial plot at the local cemetery and thus the fate of the remains of my paternal great grandfather and all of those who followed---a total of nine.

So of course, the year after I take control, the 99 year lease on the plot expires and I am asked to renew the lease or the plot will be resumed by the cemetery trust.

Resumed, what does that mean---well they will take it back and any remains buried there will be buried deeper and the plot used by someone else.
OK, that's easy, I'll lease the plot again for another 99 year---but no----leases are now for a maximum of 25 years.
So I have this responsibility to my family and I haven't visited the grave for 10 years, so I go to see what I should do.
The headstones that were there were faded and unless you knew the history, they were unreadable-----those of a great uncle and three children were missing.

Well, my parents aren't there and my brother has his place and I can only get a 25 year lease and then what----so I decided to exhume all of the remains, have them cremated and spread them on the beach----great plan Clyde til I am told that it will cost $1500 per person to dig them up---that's nine times $1500---then each must be removed by a funeral director individually and they must be cremated individually ---got a bulk deal there---$5,000 for the lot----and I have to get a health inspector there for the day and pay his wages, get Court Orders supported by the Attorney General---do it yourself, around $2,000---
So it's going to cost me $20,000 plus and I only met two of these people and don't even remember them------that plan was dismissed, as was a new 25 year lease because there was no one to continue with it after me.

My friends / executors know that there should be a gathering at the local pub for all of those who would like a last drink and that my ashes should be on the beach with the rest of the clan---that's fine and I am content with that.
But with no monument stones at the cemetery and the rest of us being on the beach, who will ever know that we have been here---a whole family gone without a trace.
A man from Denmark took a chance on life and came to Australia alone and started his own new world legacy and no one will remember.---I can't let that happen

So that $20,000 that I can't spend now can come out of my estate and I have done a deal with the local council that they will erect two beach front seats, overlooking my beach, with all of my family's names on little brass plaques on the back of the top rail.
Maybe no one will read them but maybe someone will and remember that we were here

BESTIALITY OR NECROPHILIA

2010-06-25T19:05:00.009+09:30

I had to wonder about the state of mind of a young lady who reviewed the world Twilight phenomena as a "Girls battle to chose between bestiality and necrophilia".

At first I couldn't believe what I was reading, then I laughed but then I could see what she meant.

Twilight's reoccurring story line is the battle that the leading lady has, torn between two lovers.
One lover--a Vampire---the living dead.
The other a Werewolf---the beast.

That should have been the end of the story but it's me---my mind---I couldn't help but think---why do I know the meaning of these words---and more than that---why are there names for these sort of activities.
Are they that popular that they have to get their own special name.

Having spent a lot of my recreational life at a horse property which had the diversity of a breeding stud, race training facility, riding school and rented out stables and paddocks for recreational horses, I have witnessed minor bestiality.
Minor to the extent of teenage girls taking more than a healthy interest in the genitalia of the stud stallions---more than a healthy interest---touch.

Now I'm a guy--yep, and guys will on the odd occasion take an interest in porn----ah, come on---you can't throw stones,---I know you have run into those sites by mistake when you googled toys for cats----yep, OK----but my point is, I have run into sites dedicated to activities with dogs and horses.
So, maybe not a mainstream activity for the family to get involved in on the weekend, but it has a name and it does exist----sorry, don't invite me, I'm sure I'm painting my nails that weekend.

Necrophilia---no, sorry, I know nothing and I can't see it being a popular pastime in any circles and I'm not about to canvas the local undertaker to see if the party in the cool room.
.
Well, I'm off
I've got a letter to write to a little bloke in Rome. He thinks he is in charge of the worlds most popular book and I think it needs a rewrite.---you know the bit.
"Thou shalt not covet thine neighbours wife or Labrador, or German Shepherd, or Beagle or Corgi"

GROWING FASHION

2010-06-17T19:33:00.004+09:30

Every season, yep I mean season---so that's four times a year, there are releases of new fashions for the stylish to empty their wallets and fill their wardrobes.
It seems like a girl into fashion has to have at least one new item every season and that's not counting the shoes or the underwear.
Underwear has become a fashion of its own and even though most of it will never be displayed to anyone who will appreciate it, it just makes a girl feel good.

Of course, if you are a hoarder / collector, you will notice that fashion that is old will make a comeback and you are back in fashion again with that stuff you have stored in the spare room.

OK, I know that guys are fashion dags---we will wear everything til it wears out and even then, keep on wearing it with a rip or tear because there is some fashion to the ripped or torn.

But it is not just clothes that maketh the man or the woman.
Just have a look at your family photos----it's the hair styles or lack there of.

For years the ladies have been heading for the hair stylists and reinventing their look on a regular basis but most guys have stayed with the regular neat and trimmed hair.
But now it seems that the guys are joining in on the hair fashions---but the fashion seems to be minimal.
No longer are there the comb overs or the heads of thinning hair around town.
Now it's the shaved heads or or very close cuts taking over----and the clean shaved is giving way to the three day growth of facial hair-----all of a sudden, I am fashionable.

But now it's going all the way.
It used to be just the ladies waxing legs, armpits and any other region that may be exposed by the latest fashion in swim wear--or shaping it up as a fashion statement, or removing it all.
Now it's the guys---
I can understand that the guys who look like they're wearing a King Kong T-shirts would want to get the mower out on their back and chest hair----who wants to look like a primate---but going all the way with a back, crack and sack seems to be going overboard to the name of fashion----or is it fashion.

OK, I don't mind neat and tidy and I am not that hairy that I need the chest or back wax but I have no intention of letting someone loose with wax around my dangly bits.
And I really don't have any fixed views on how far anyone else should go in the name of fashion or comfort.
Ladies, all I know is that defoliated legs and armpits do look better---what you do with the rest is fine and fashionable with me.
Guys, well if you are closely related to king kong, I would think about either keeping your shirt on---but that foliage over the top of your collar does not look good----or maybe keep up with the latest in fashions and get the grass mowed.

Oh, head hair for the ladies----long, short, shaven, blonde, brunette or redhead, whatever is fine with me
Fashion--well, I have always measured a lady by the way she can wear a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt---simple

EPIDEMICS

2010-06-11T19:02:00.007+09:30

There is two epidemics sweeping the world and although no one else has said so, I think that they are related.

But then again, maybe they are not sweeping the world but more so what they like the call the "western world"

Obesity seems to be taking over our communities.

On a daily basis people send me emails of "the people of Wallmart"---and every one of them has photos of these extra large economy size people who don't seem to realise that they are obese. They have bits hanging out of their clothes, front, back and side and it is not a sexy or titillating look.
There are G-strings/ thongs on both males and females, with the T-bar clearly shown and you just have to wonder, between fits of vomiting, where the hell that string is and will it hold.
You only have to walk the streets to see these people in tracksuit bottoms / sweat pants and tights / leggings, to get this view of something that looks like two rather large animals fighting in a sack----of course, the shirt has to be long enough to prevent the protrusion of excess stomach that dangles over the top of the waist band of the pants.

The saddest thing is that we see their children hiding under a pile of fries and burgers, trying to avoid the sports coaches who might press gang them into some healthy sporting pastime.
Just imagine the finished product at 25 with a start like that

Geez, China has this one child per family ruling----The "Western World" could to do something similar but limit it by a maximum of kilograms or pounds of offspring.

OK, so I said there was a second epidemic and that it could be related---well, you've got the remote control, start channel surfing.

Where the fuck did all of these cooking shows and Chef competitions come from on free to air television.
Is this it's own subliminal epidemic luring the sedentary food voyeurs---lip lickers--midnight grazers.
We used to have the occasional mother of four, showing her skills at cooking breakfast lunch and dinner to satisfy her family and backing a few biscuits of cakes for special treats---but now.
Now they are "celebrities".
We have an arrogant Scotsman who has a limited command of the English language and substitutes the word fuck for all and sundry meanings. I doubt that Scotland claims him being that he was raised in England from the age of five, but he has won so many awards.-----but I have never been fascinated by his cooking and none of it seems to be overly healthy.
The Naked Chef has been applauded for trying to get health menus into British schools but every time I see him cooking up a storm it seems to consist of loads of meat cooked under gallons of animal fat products with three varieties of potatoes and a few wilted greens
Then we have the competitions---amateur chefs competing against each other under the watchful eyes of abusive overweight professionals, producing menus of calorie exploding, sugar coated, chocolate filled goodies for the chunky judges to taste.

Wouldn't it be nice if they could produce something that didn't include a Mars Bar salad with chocolate fudge topping.

Even the food we cook at home is fast food---ah, the microwave oven---the destroyed of anything green or orange. When did vegetables have the consistency of mush and all have that same taste of paper glue.

OK, I'm not the thinnest guy in the world and I do love a feed of that tasty fast food, but I limit it to a weekly treat---and I walk the beach every day ---and I take notice of how my waistline feels in my jeans.
Sport was something that was not only on offer to me at school but one full lesson a week was compulsory
Although not great sporting people, my parents made sure that fresh air and exercise were part of my daily menu.

I am horrified to think that we have come this way, but more I can see it getting worse.

I can see it being the end of the human race. Unless the future brings proportionately larger dangley bits, I can't see the sexes being able to get together to breed another generation.

OK, I'm off for a chocolate wagon wheel and a thick shake---or maybe that delightful Dutch girl will come visiting with some donuts

NOTHING

2010-06-03T20:13:00.002+09:30

OK, that's what I've been doing.
Geez, you're off line for a few weeks and people start reading the obituaries and start lining up for their share of your porn collection.

Well, sorry kids but I'm still here
I haven't got anything to say other than you should never buy an Acer computer.

Less than 12 months old and after cleaning it's own litter box of all records it shut itself down without even a fuck you Clyde----
And the Guarantee service agents in each State of Australia have been amalgamated to one centralised agent in another state.

So after that first phone call with that automated answering service---you are number 47 in the cue---which lasted 84 minutes, they offer to email me a shipping slip so that I can send this heap of shit back to them.
Now, can you see what's wrong with that---no, well they couldn't---email me a slip--hey, my computer is stuffed so I don't have email access

"Ok sir, we will Fax it to you"----ha, I don't have access to a fax---"oh, I guess we could post it to you"----yep, that will work---but before you run away, I have to ask about the battery in this thing---it wont hold a charge for any longer that 3 minutes, which isn't quite long enough when I want to watch porn in bed---"OK sir, send the battery with the computer and we will replace it."

I doubt that the had used the postage system before cos it took 5 days for the shipping slip to get here.

Ok, the rest of the story is as bad and boring as the first bit but suffice it to say, all up, I was off line for four weeks and I missed you all.
Oh, I still cant watch porn in bed because they forgot to send the battery back---ha, and when they did, it was my old battery.

Yes, get yourself an Acer

I need another drink

FOREVER

2010-05-05T21:58:00.002+09:30

When I fell in love, I thought it would be forever--I think it is because I remember every girl I ever fell in love with and they all have a place in my heart.

I'm a giver, a provider, lover
I want to give the girl I love everything that I can.
I want to provide everything to make her feel as special on day one thousand as she is on day one.
I want her to know that she is loved forever.

I have not succeeded in love---I'm probably not good enough---I'm probably doing it all wrong---but I want to keep on trying---I want to get it right.

I met an old man while I was working for a bookmaker on the racecourses on the weekends to earn enough money to buy a house for my love.
He used to bet with us on every race---he was there every Saturday.
He seemed so miserable and I could never engage him in any conversation---he seemed so lonely.

I lost my father nearly 12 months before he died---his mind went before his time and my mother could not care for him----I had to find him full time nursing care in an old age facility.
It was hard--I visited every day on my way home from work---he would know me one day and not the next---we would talk for hours one night and the next he would turn away from me.
I never knew if it was anger or his mind but I just had to love him and be there for him.
I would take my mother to visit on weekends---he would not talk to her---she visited with a friend during the week but he never spoke---but she kept on going because this was the man she loved.

Dogs were allowed to visit the facility, so on the second weekend I took my Labrador to see her dad---he used to care for her while I was at work---they walked my beach every day.
My dad was in the day room lounge and that beautiful dog was glad to see him but he pushed her away---he had forgotten her. While we talked my dog wandered across to people who called her and then across the lounge to the far corner and sat in front of a woman in in a reclining bed/chair---she had a man with her---he was dealing cards--two hands and playing both because she couldn't move he hands---there was no verbal communication, just eyes but her eyes were on my dog.
I called for her to come back but she just sat---so close to this lovely lady---it was almost hypnotic between them.
I went to get her and the old man looked up and said, "It's OK, my wife loves dogs and she loves that one"---it was the miserable old man from the racecourse---he looked at me and said "Please don't tell anyone"----I thought I knew what he meant----that he didn't want me to tell anyone about his wife.

The nursing staff told me later that his wife had been there for seven years and that he visited her for four hours every day except Saturdays---they wondered what he did on Saturdays----I knew then what he meant---he felt bad taking one day for himself and not visiting his wife.
We spoke a little more at the racecourse---he would smile occasionally, not often.
He would nod in acknowledgement when he saw me at the facility, but no more.
My dog would go and sit with them when she visited

He loved his wife and it was a love that lasted forever

How privileged are we to find someone to love and that someone who loves us.
How wonderful it must be when it lasts forever

TOO YOUNG

2010-04-25T19:31:00.004+09:30

The drinking age in Australia was 21

He was too young to drink, too young to live the life of a man, yet he was old enough to enlist in the Army.
It was not a chosen career, it was not something he wanted to do but he thought that he should.
There was a war in Europe and we were part of the Commonwealth.
Our soldiers were going and they needed more.
There was no conscription, it was voluntary and he volunteered

He was a boy----not tall or robust. He had never seen a gun or owned knife. He hadn't finished his trade apprenticeship but he signed up---he thought it was right--he thought that he should.

He had never been lucky, things never seemed to go his way yet he was prepared to gamble with his life.

Basic training was over and he was heading for the war---the last day in Australia, and it could be the last day he ever saw his country.
His luck did not improve when he and a mate were placed in charge of loading luggage onto the troop ship---the rest were allowed to have time with family and friends and even drink---yes, they were now soldiers and the age law did not apply to them.
A little luck turned into the luckiest day of his life.
They had finished loading the luggage and supplies, so his mate convinced him that they should have a drink for a good job done ---why not---there was two hours til departure time and they were legal---the wharf workers directed them to a local hotel and away they went.
They weren't gone that long but it was too long---departure time was an hour before what they had thought and back at the wharf they saw their ship sailing away---they were quickly reassigned and and sailed three days later.
What they didn't know til after the war was that their original ship sailed into Singapore Harbour not knowing that Singapore had fallen to the Japanese---the troops were prisoners without firing a shot in anger.

He saw action in North Africa and the Middle East and survived to be sent back home to Australia but his war was not over.
He didn't get back to his State or his family before his battalion was posted to New Guinea.
He never told me but I know he walked and crawled the Kokoda Trail, I know that he suffered badly and that he came home with mental images and memories that no one should ever have.
He never spoke of the war in terms of battle
He found no glory in anything that had happened.
He would talk of the wonderful people in Palestine and how beautiful he found the country to be---how wonderful the jungles of New Guinea smelled and how friendly the natives were, but no more.
He had no hate in him for the men he fought---they were doing no more of a job than he was.

Today is Anzac Day in Australia---a day we remember all of those who have fought to protect the liberties of this country and it's allies.

But I remember him every day---he is my hero.

I miss you dad, I love you

RESURRECTION

2010-04-05T20:41:00.003+09:30

OK, a little Clyde history lesson.

I grew up in a loving family of four. One brother and two wonderful caring parents.
My brother died young, never having married and having no children.

I married a beautiful woman who had a child from a previous marriage. Our plan was to have at least one more child----well, that was the agreed discussed plan.
After failing to get pregnant for quite some months, my beautiful lady went off to have some medical tests which resulted in me going off for tests----I passed with flying colours but after a few more months, I was asked to try testing again.
I phoned my wife's doctor to get my result but was told that I was not the patient and they could only give my wife the result.
Although he shouldn't have, my wife's doctor phoned me a couple of weeks later----he said he knew he shouldn't tell me but that there was no way my wife would conceive while she still took birth control pills.
I never confronted her---I just hoped that she would change her mind.

She never did and that plus many more factors resulted in a bitter separation and divorce.

My experience made me a little less trusting but I still wanted children and I hoped for a loving relationship-----I still hope but I think I'm past the children stage---unless the lovely lady already had children to bring into any relationship.

Both of my parents have died since, so I am a family of one---oh, except the beautiful dog laying at my feet.

Eight years ago I had a relationship with a girl 20 years my junior who I had met through work.
It was her instigation---I was reluctant at first but she was very insistent.
Caroline was young, beautiful, forward, horny and I was alive.
The relationship lasted just on 8 months but finished as abruptly as it started---she walked out one day to spend a weekend with her mother and never came back.
There was no explanation, there was no fight----she just left and didn't want to talk----she got angry if I contacted her so I just had to leave it as a mystery of life.

On Friday I ran into an old work mate----I hadn't seen him in 7 or 8 years---we talked for hours when he came up with a great revelation----it was so off the cuff, I don't know where it came from----but there it was.
"So Clyde, are you the father of Caroline's son?"

I had no idea that he knew Caroline or that I had a relationship with her.
Turns out that his partners' sister is Carolines best friend and that he knew everything about us----including Caroline giving birth in a period of time that could count me in for fatherhood.
He also knew that the child's birth was registered without a father and that Caroline insisted that she didn't know who it was and had claimed to have a few partners around the time of our break up.

So tell me where I stand now.
The few times over the years that I have tried to contact Caroline, she has become very angry.
When someone from work contacted her in relation to another official matter, she accused them of phoning on my behalf and accused me of stalking.

I cant force this matter----how much of a stalking wanker would I be to try to interfere with her life now.
How could I join in now even if I was the father of her son-----he hasn't known a father----it would not be fair on him---it's not fair on her----how would she explain it to him.
I am almost a desperate to find out-----even just knowing would satisfy me---but I am sure that she wouldn't tell me now.

I have a lot to think about
I'd given up on fatherhood, but maybe I am.

SUSPICION

2010-03-29T21:33:00.006+10:30

You look like you are from Persia---I don't trust you

You have a suntan, a scruffy beard and your wife has a hood over her head and I cant check out her tits so you have to be a suicide bomber or some sort of terrorist. Your children look different and I don't want them mixing with mine.

You want to face the East and pray at certain times of the day---I don't know anything about that so I am suspicious of you.

How sad is our world
We live in fear of what we don't understand but because someone claims it to be Muslim, our level of fear increases.

They talk about terrorists being Muslim fundamentalists but if ask your average follower of the Muslim faith and they have no idea of of what a fundamentalist is or may look like.

OK, it took a bit but I decided to read the Koran / Quoran-(fuck you Microsoft on your spelling).
Now according to this book of faith, this religion has nothing against the Christian religion and suggests nothing about waring with the infidels.

So what is this shit.

Is it no more than some "persons" radical interpretation of a religious book.
Is this like the Catholics versus the Christadelphians versus the Jehovah's Witnesses versus the Anglicans----but this is another book.
Is this book any worse than the Book of Mormon or anything published by those weird cunts, the Scientologists ----oops, sorry--4 letter word, but tell me there is another description for them.

Was there not a world war started by some little Austrian born German dictator with an agenda to wipe out those of another religion in Europe.

Are we going to be intimidated by people who are strong in their beliefs, or are we going to be suspicious of them because of their beliefs, just because the rebels against our beliefs happen to have the same religion as they do.

The people threatening our way of life are terrorists----gutless morons who attack innocent people because they don't have the bravado to come out and fight in hand to hand combat.
They hide behind a peace loving religion and make us suspicious of all who follow that faith.
Love your neighbour because they are your neighbour, not because they are Catholic, Muslim or Buddhist.
Hate your neighbour because they are arrogant, ignorant, antisocial morons, not because of their race, colour or religion.

I hope we can fix it---why not try---tolerance and understanding

Amen

GET YOUR KIT BACK ON

2010-03-23T20:36:00.006+10:30

OK, Summer is over, so could you put your clothes back on and stop frightening my dog.

I live 100 yards from a beautiful white sandy suburban beach.
It is not a popular beach because you can't park on it and there is not a lot of parks close to it---so people being lazy choose to go to other beaches----please do.

The Local Government Regulations allow me to walk my dog on the beach, off the leash before 10am during the warmer months and all day for the rest of the year.

OK, I just have to add in some facts here---this is a suburban beach---close to houses, families and children----my dog is a golden Labrador and everybody loves Labradors. And I walk my dog on that beach nearly every day of the year.

It doesn't matter how many health warnings the authorities issue about sunbathing, it seems that young girls believe as long as you do it before noon, there is no health risk.

Now I'm not going to knock this---the beach is a beautiful place in the morning but the vision of the occasional fit young lady, topless or not, laying on the sand enhances the wonders of nature.
Most of the topless girls cover up / roll over as people get closer or as my dog wanders over to introduces herself----but some just ignore the intrusion and enjoy the rays.
There are small sand hills a little further down the beach from my house.
It is a fairly regular occurrence that my dog will flush out a nude sunbather---most cover up very quickly but occasionally they just yell at her and flash me.

Really, I don't care----enjoy your sunbathing as long as you are not offending any families or children.
BUT---yes BUT----what does bother me is those ladies those who are a fair bit older than their teens, 20s or 30s and are carrying far too much condition to suck in to impress the passers by and those 40s, 50s guys who strut up and down the beach in their skimpy swimmers, sucking in their guts------for gods sake, go away, you are frightening my dog.

Why is it that people who are totally out of condition or have reached those droopy years, think it is acceptable to show their wares on a public beach.

I have never been to a nudist beach but those people that I know who frequent them are not people I want to see with their kit off. Don't some of these people have mirrors

So summer is over---I'm gonna miss the cute little sunbathers til next year but I'm certainly not going to miss the crinkly wrinkly wannabes.

My dog and I will still enjoy this beach til next summer

MONSTER

2010-03-16T21:46:00.002+10:30

The green monster will eat you right up.

OK, for the guys who just got a twitch in their jocks and the ladies who just had a quick flaps down landing, I have to explain this eating.

I'm not sure if all parts of the English speaking world understand that the "Green Monster" is a euphemism for jealousy.-----Geez, who knew that I could spell euphemism.

From my experience of life, which is fairly considerable, jealousy tears into more psyches than any other emotion.

Of course we all suffer from petty jealousies----some of them caused by varying degrees of vanity.
I don't want to get sexist here but I think that the ladies suffer with a few more of these petty jealousies than the average guy.----better shaped, smaller, bigger, perkier chest flesh----longer legs, firmer arse, hair colour. It is funny that those with the most insecurities have the most.

Guys really only have two common jealousies / insecurities / vanities----they want more to fill their jocks and a better car------there used to be a third---hair---but now a shaved head is a fine thing---the comb over is dead.

All of these insecurities will nag at us to certain degrees until we really start to obsess over something and then all logic goes out the window.
In relationships, jealousies cause a loss of trust and without trust, there is no basis for the relationship to survive.

I had no idea how insecure, obsessive, controlling and jealous my ex wife could be until I married her-----of course I didn't, I wouldn't have married her--right.

Well, maybe---sometimes we see these things but because of out trust, belief and love, we ignore them.

The night before my wedding, my best mate told me that his wife was uncomfortable about all of the questions my future bride was asking about my previous relationships----especially one-----one that had ended some three years before.
I laughed about it at the time----I would have told her anything that she wanted to know.
The day after the wedding, driving to an interstate honeymoon, the subject came up---she brought it up----it was like an inquisition---and then accusations because I hadn't volunteered a blow by blow account of every day of my life.
For 9 years of marriage, that green monster ate the love, ate the trust but until it ate my soul, I thought we could survive.

Be careful of the green monster---it will eat you all up

Hmm, this started off so well, but I'm not sure that it was worth writing----but I had to post because some pushy woman told me---god, and she hasn't even showed me her bits

THE PASSING

2010-03-10T21:05:00.003+10:30

There is this myth or is it an utter lie contrived by genteel ladies, that women don't fart.

OK, I know that as a young boy and even as a young man, I thought that volume and sound were very good things and should be cultivated to impress all within earshot.

That is was a great achievement to ease out that silent but deadly expulsion to a captive audience of a crowded lift

And as a young soldier, learning how flammable that gas was and burning the hairs off your arse in the name of manly fun.

But the girls----they never did----you know, they just don't fart.

A friend of mine explained to me that women don't actually fart until they are married----cos until then, they don't have an arsehole.

But now I have a very feasible explanation for why it is a rarity for women to be heard blurting out a thunderous fart.

They like to talk----OK, I know that
There are sometimes when they want to talk and you just want to get on about your business---OK---
So with all of this talking, they don't built up enough pressure for a decent fart.

OK, ladies, there it is---so less talking and more farting and your guy will be happier

LAW

2010-02-28T21:42:00.002+10:30

OK, I'm gonna use a four letter word or two, so if you are so sweet and innocent that it may offend you----fuck off, cos it's my blog and I'm gonna do it.

I cannot fucking believe the laws of this bloody country

But then again there are probably not too many of you would know more about the law than me.
There are so many rules and regulations hidden from us that we don't know anything about them til we actually run in to them.

Alrighty, we have established that I am a fairly knowledgeable bastard when it comes to the laws of this country---OK, you are just gonna have to believe me.

So my last post was about organ donations and me being a donor and why aren't you.
All pretty simple shit and who needs the bits when the day has come.

According to my drivers licence, I am a donor
According to all of my friends (cos I don't have any family), I am a donor because I have told them, and they have to deal with it.
According to me, I am a donor and have been for a lot of years.

According to the Donor Register, I am not a donor.----I don't fucking believe this.

OK, here is how it fucking works in this stupid, over governed country.

I get a renewal notice for my drivers licence.
There it is----do you want to be an ORGAN DONOR----tick here.
So you tick----and when your licence is produced, there it is---in bold letters---ORGAN DONOR----and that is my State Government issued licence.

So here it is, organ donors week, so I go on line to check out all about it and find a Commonwealth Government donor registration form.
OK, just to be sure, and there could be two donor lists, I fill out the form.
The system tells me that I have already registered my intention to donate and that I should phone this donor line number.

OK, so I'm already registered----my State Government registration on my drivers licence gets registered on the Commonwealth Government list----that's fine----why phone ?.
But of course, being a nosey prick, I phone.
The guy on the phone started work there yesterday and keeps getting information from other people----that's fine, but I'm not liking this information----it's late and he asks if someone can phone me back the next day.
Sure----someone from the Government phone you back----ha.

Alright, I shouldn't say that----I worked for the State Government and was very anal about returning calls and keeping people informed----and, yes they phoned me back.

So here's the deal----my drivers licence tick and the on line form are just registering an intent to donate-----but until you actually turn up at a Medicare (Government Health Insurance) office and sign a form, your intention cannot be acted upon.
Oh, and when you tick your licence renewal form or fill out the form on line, you do not get told that you are only registering an intention and have to go and sign this form.
Fucking wonderful

But now, here it is-----between the State Government and Commonwealth Government rules, regulation, laws----you have registered your intention, your wishes, your will but some member of your family can at that last minute, object and by the time their objection goes to court, your organs are not viable.

What a fucking joke

So if you live in this fucking country, go to Medicare and sign your form and tell your relatives and friends that if they object, you will haunt their arses for eternity

Now, you are a donor
And here it is----

GIFT

2010-02-15T22:07:00.004+10:30

This week in Australia is Organ Donor Awareness Week.

Now I'm not exactly sure what this means but we have a week of it.

My drivers licence is marked DONOR----so if I get killed in a road accident, there is a record ready for the hospital to allow them to harvest any organs they think viable.
I love that word harvest.
What are they going to do----lay me down in front of a tractor and combine harvester and drive over the top of me.

My will makes it clear that they can have what they want and my executors are clear that it is my wish to donate.

So yes, I will be a donor----not quite yet I hope, but I am still trying to work out why we are having an awareness week

Should I run around with a sign on me "I'm One"
Or should I offer an organ to any young lady passing by---hmm, maybe not, but then again, you never know what works.

Are you a donor?
You've never thought about it
Well don't think---do it
It could be the greatest gift you will ever give

WORTH THE PAIN

2010-01-30T21:44:00.003+10:30

I was 12 going on 13 and off to the big school----girls were still icky and not to be spoken to.
But it was different---they were so much older there----most of them had breasts or were very quickly developing them and suddenly became interesting.
Even the girls that went to the same lower school were sprouting noticeable chest flesh.

My brother was a year ahead of me and was not impressed that his little brother was now hanging around-----we had made this agreement that I wouldn't hang around him at school but his girlfriend from the lower school days had developed into a beautiful 14 year old and her friends were the popular girls.

One in particular, Mary, just seemed a class above every other girl at that school. She was beautiful, athletic, outgoing, popular and had this wonderful personality that drew everyone to her. She knew who I was and would always smile when she caught me staring at her but never spoke.
She really was my first crush but I have always been realistic and considered her out of my league.

Mary was there for 4 out 5 of my years at that school and for those 4 years I had the pain of a schoolboy crush and then a year of school with no Mary.

Fast forward 4 years and I was working and being the typical young guy, spending my money at the bar as often as I could.
I struck up a friendship with a scruffy looking lad who was one of two "bikers" in the area. I could never understand how he had the best looking girlfriend in the district. She was still a school girl and her parents did not approve of John and she was forbidden from seeing him---but she would sneak out on a regular basis.

I had just broken up with my girlfriend when John asked me if I would take him to the drive in movies.----"It's like this mate, I don't have a car and my girlfriends sister doesn't mind me, so she is going to bring her to the drive in and give us some time together"
What the hell---he was a good guy and I could get a few vodka mix cans and have them while he was off with the girlfriend.

No sooner did I park the car and he was off looking for their car.
I'd just settled in with a cigarette and a vodka can when the passenger door opened and in jumped Mary----my heart skipped so many beats as she smiled at me.
"Long time Clyde"----"Hey, she is my little sister and when he told me who had brought him, I wasn't going to sit there and watch those two, so if you don't mind, I thought I'd join you."

We didn't see much of the two movie program but for no other reason than we talked and laughed for the three hours plus.
We talked about school days and me staring at her---about what we had both done since those days and the school mate we would still see or keep in touch with.
Mary had rebelled against her parents and had moved interstate---she was home for a month to patch things up.

The night ended all too soon and she leaned across the car a kissed me on the cheek----I laughed and said "Well that started it over again---you caused me pain at school and now you are off into the night"----she laughed and said those cutting words---"You are a good guy Clyde"

Two weeks later I was at a local Pub Disco with a few friends when Mary walked in.
She smiled at me and joined a group at another table. I noticed her a few times during the night but she was with friends and I still thought that she was well out of my league so I didn't approach her.
It was an hour before closing time when she walked over to our table. My back was to her and she tapped me on the shoulder and said "Well are you ever going to dance with me"---my mates faces dropped---the best looking girl in the place is asking Clyde to dance.
The music slowed and Mary spent the next hour in my arms---I was in heaven---we talked, we laughed, we looked deep into each others eyes, we kissed---the pain was gone.
She asked if I could take her home----I had been drinking but would have risked driving for her but she said walk---she said "When I walk out of places like this alone, I get followed and pestered".
We didn't go straight home---we walked to the end of the fishing jetty---we talked, we kissed, we laughed, we held each other tight and made promises with all good intentions. We walked barefoot along the beach to the top of her street, we stood before a glowing moon and held on forever.
She laughed as I brushed her feet and fitted her shoes---there was a "Cinderella" reference as I took her hand and we walked to her door
She was like that little schoolgirl again as she giggled---we shared that long last kiss and she was gone.

I have never seen Mary since that night.
I had all of my fantasy with my fantasy girl----I wanted no more

WHY ?

2010-01-17T21:24:00.002+10:30

You work with a lot of people in your life time.
You develop friendships and acquaintances----you just know all of these people to certain degrees.

They are work "mates"----

You may not really like them or what they do in their private lives, but you feel some attachments.
I had a very strange relationship with this guy
He could always make you laugh---he always had something to say
He had a great interest in photography and motor racing---he combined the two.

I got an email from old workmates that he was in trouble.
He had been caught out trying to photograph female employees in their change room, using his mobile phone.
Of course the photos had been deleted by the time they grabbed his phone.
I had spoken to him before about inappropriate associations with young female employees.

They shifted him to another location while things were investigated---
But the investigation is over

He hung himself in his home work shed.

He had a wife and two young children

Why would you do that
How could you
It is going to be your family to find you
How ?
Why ?
Is it the ultimate selfish act ?

Besides his family, the woman who he tried to photograph feels guilt---why ?
And some of his workmates look at her like she has some responsibility.

Why ?

WAY TO GO

2010-01-09T21:03:00.003+10:30

There will always be people in your life who you will like from the moment you meet them

I have been involved with harness racing for far too many years but had the luck to be involved with some very knowledgeable horsemen. Horsemen who taught me to watch and listen---taught me to actually see what a horse was doing and to know why they were doing it.

I met Colin a good few years back----his personality was infectious---his horses not very talented----but he had a love for his horses and for what he was doing.
He was always willing to listen when someone gave him some advice and was always willing to try something new.
You just couldn't help but like the guy and be infected by his love of life and his lifestyle.

He laughed at me when he got up and beat my horse in a photo finish after trying something that I had suggested----I was pleased for him and he understood that I was just as pleased that my advice had worked as I would have been if my horse had beaten him.

My horses beat him home in a lot of races and he was gracious about it, but always reminded me of his conquest.

Colin had to stop driving horses after suffering a heart attack at a very young age.
His interest in harness racing never wained and he put his heart and soul into pony racing, with his young son driving the family's team of ponies.

The years passed and Colin's son outgrew the ponies so Colin established a team of horses the lad to drive.
His health had improved and he was passed to race drive himself.
He did very little driving, preferring to give his son as much experience as he could get.

Just before Xmas I watched one of his horses race----the horse was a pacer and intrigued me the way that he went---he was not rough in his stride but unusual----
I couldn't stop thinking about the horse and drove out to Colin's property early one morning to watch the horse work----the more I watched, the more I saw it and I had to tell him.
"Mate, that horse is trying to trot in his hopples----take them off and I'll bet he doesn't pace"-----he took the hopples off and the big horse trotted but needed balancing in his feet and shoeing.
Two weeks later, after a few visits and Colin's son following my shoeing instructions, the big former pacer was really starting to look like a racing proposition as a trotter.

Colin took the horse to the racing trials and in a field of 10, the big bloke behaved himself and finished 4th
It may have been a bit soon, but Colin couldn't wait to race him and nominated him for a race last Friday week.

I had to go to watch it happen----Colin's son had to work so Col was driving the horse himself.
He was like a kid with a new toy----he was excited about the horses prospects in the race.
I helped him harness up and sent him out----you could see the life in the man---he was proud of his horse and had a pride in himself to be back race driving-----it was his life, his enjoyment.

It might have been a fairytale
We will never know
There he was---the big horse and Colin running fourth with a lap to go----the horse was going well---maybe it could have been----but the horse slowed dramatically, Colin slumped forward in the cart and tumbled to the track.
The track attendants raced to his side----the paramedics were there in seconds----the race went on, the big horse was lose on the track.

Colin died that night----a massive heart attack.

No matter how sad, I can't hep but think that it was a great way for him to go---doing what he loved and with a chance to win that race.

He will be missed by a lot of people

YOU DON'T KNOW ME

2010-01-04T20:08:00.002+10:30

Here we are writing blogs in countries all over the world.
The chances of us meeting up are pretty remote, so we can write what we like.

The truth is that I am a 16yo black girl living in Indonesia.
I sit naked in front of my computer playing with my ample breasts while reading your posts.

I have no idea how accurate your persona's are

Jimmy Bastard could be a 25yo gay florist from London
Mapstew is actually my dream girl playing in an Irish family band.
Sister Deb is actually a 6'9" male basketballer from Detroit
Scarlet is a redheaded 84 yo grandmother with chin hair
Donut Girl is really a 16yo school boy virgin---so I could be in love because he lives next door
Of course Spiky is real---no one could make up that life
And of course, Steph is real---no one else could have a shoe collection like that and not be exactly Steph

Me. OK, I am who I say I am
If I was gonna make it up, I would be younger, better looking, have a lot more money and have a much more interesting life to tell you about.

No I am not a 16yo big breasted girl from Indonesia, but I could be

You would never know

Jimmy a florist---yer, right---ha ha ha

Yes, I typed it left handed

MAY YOUR WISHES COME TRUE

2009-12-31T22:58:00.002+10:30

I would love to write more but I am right handed and that is in a splint at the moment.
Some unkind people have suggested that it may be as a result of my frequency of wanking but my doctor says it is a long term thing finally coming to a head---oh, hang on---long term----hmmm, maybe.
But being right handed---yeh, OK, it's my wanking hand, but it is also my dominant hand-----alright, OK, it has dominated me on the odd occasion----but my typing with left only is bloody slow---so
Oh, it's a torn wrist cartilage----maybe surgery and drugs---OK, now you know---but

I couldn't let is pass----

May you all have a great celebration for the passing of the old and the coming of the new

May the New Year bring you joy
May you receive all that you may wish for
May there be peace in your life and in this world

Happy New Year

Hmm, I wonder if I can do it left handed----type, you perverts

FAMILY DECEMBER TIME

2009-12-23T21:06:00.002+10:30

It's on the way
It's nearly here
That day when most families in the world get together for varying reasons.
Those with some sort of christian belief get together to celebrate the birth of a child---those that have deviated from those beliefs use it as a holiday and get together to celebrate the holiday----and those not of a christian belief use it as a time just to get together.

So no matter what it is a family time----time when all of the sins for the year are forgiven over some sort of feast or celebration.
If we are too far from our families, we try to contact them if we can

It is Christmas

I never knew my paternal Grandparents and even though my Grandmother gave birth to more children, my Father was an only child----the family cemetery plot records a brother and a sister by name but others who died before even being named.

My maternal Grandparents lived very close---the back of their block ran into the side of ours. My Mother had two sisters and one brother.

Christmas day always brought a gathering at my grandparents house---their four children with their partners and all of their children----eleven in all at the end.
As it got bigger and my grandparents got older, the gathering shifted to our house---all of the kids would head for the beach during the preparation and while the adults rested after stuffing themselves full.
Great times

I was 17 when my grandfather died two days before Christmas----my grandmother couldn't stay in the house----we cancelled the gathering---it was a very sad year.

My Mother tried to organise the next year but some of the family members weren't interested and had another side of their families to go to.
That year Christmas dinner was our family---my parents, my brother and me.
And that is the way it was til I married and it became extended family with my wife and her daughter from a previous marriage.

After my divorce, it became four of us again----the family.
My brother died two years later and then there was three.

My brothers death broke my fathers will--- his family line was riddled with colon cancer and dad had beaten it twice----my brother didn't----he made it his fault.

My father died a broken man, withdrawn into himself and not communicating with mum or me.
And then there was two

The year that my mother died was her time----she was old, she was frail and she had fought every battle a woman should ever have to.

I didn't realise til Christmas that year what it meant.
It meant--and then there was one.

I still feel that it is the family time of the year. I can't bring myself to join in with the family of friends---it's my family day.

Please, be with your families if you can----if you cant, please contact them---tell them that you love them.

Me, OK, I'll be with mine. Their ashes are spread on my beach along with the ashes of my last dog that they all knew.
I'll be on the beach with my dog to wish them all a Merry Christmas.

May you all have a great family time.
May the love of your families warm your hearts.
May Christmas bring you all that you need.
And may the New Year bring you all that you deserve.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

KARMA ?

2009-12-16T16:34:00.003+10:30

We only had one horse entered to race that night---he was a bad horse to transport so he was in a two horse float by himself and I rode in the float with him.----I had to---just to keep him occupied and stop him from scrambling and climbing the walls.

I could hear the crashing and banging before we pulled into the park ----people were yelling and a woman was running around the park wailing and screaming "Tarses is down, Tarses is down, Tarses is down".
My horse was getting stirred up by the commotion so I unloaded and got him settled in the horse stalls before thinking about what a Tarses was.
My old mate Jim said to me "I'll look after him, go and see if there is anything you can do out there---that horse has fallen in the float transport and they cant get him up or out---but watch yourself, he has kicked three blokes so far"----he was chuckling as I walked towards the park.

Well, there he was, Tarses, a big black stallion laying on his side, thrashing around and lashing out at anyone who dared come near to help.
They had tried everything, so they said---tried to pull his head up to make him get up---tried to get ropes on him but he had lashed out and kicked everyone who got near--they had tried with a neck rope and head collar but without him making any effort, they were frightened that they would damage his neck

I watched for about ten minutes and finally fronted up and said to the bloke who owned him "Have you got any water in a container?"----he looked at me like I was stupid----"well, have you got any water----has anyone here got any water or a can of drink"?-----
All of the people around just looked at me but no one came up with the water---
So I climbed in the front of the float and could basically stand out of danger with one foot either side of the hoses head-----I just looked at the people at the back of the float and said "Well, if no one has any water, would you mind getting out of the way and take any women away, I'm a little shy"

Lucky I needed a piss, so with the best aim I could in the circumstances, I pissed in Tarses ear----
Well, crash, bang, heave, and scramble, he was on his feet and half way off that float.
His trainer looked at me and said "You pissed on my horse"----I said "Well you wouldn't get me any water---and I've never known a horse yet that will lay down with an ear full of water"
There was not a word of thanks----they just couldn't believe that I had pissed in its ear.

Old Jim laughed his guts out when one of his mates told him what I'd done---and was still chuckling an hour later as we harnessed our horse for his race.
We walked up to the track as the race driver warmed the horse up in his preliminaries-----I went into the betting ring to have a few dollars on our bloke--we thought he had a good chance.----I couldn't believe it---there was Tarses in our race and still racing---surely the stewards would have scratched him on a Vets inspection----not my problem.

Our horse Bushman's Song, put up a great performance to be beaten by a nose in a photo----by, yep, you guessed it----TARSES

The owner trainer had not reported the incident in the car park and had not had the horse inspected by the Vet----a bloke told me that he hadn't even washed my piss off him.

KARMA, Ha

STOP THE CONFLICT

2009-12-09T14:00:00.003+10:30

I may have worked with horses for the best part of my life, but I'm not the biggest fan of a lot of Country and Western music.

There has been some very talented singers from the "Country" ranks and some very good songs that have crossed to the "Pop" charts and been applauded by all

I'm sorry but I can't handle the hokey "My best dog has just died"--"My girl left me for a rodeo clown" message songs -----but most "Country" songs seem to have some message

But those with a strong message ---a message that I would like to send myself------a message strong enough to evoke audience participation---well, I will yee ha along with the best.

I hope this guy wins an award

TOO HARD

2009-12-03T20:10:00.002+10:30

Sometimes we think that life is too hard and we just cant do things

Maybe we can't but we will never know until we have a go.

But in the end there will be things that we can't do and things that we have no control over.

You can't fail unless you have a go but you can't be restricted by the fear of failure.

So if life knocks you down, just get up and have another go---bruises, breaks and scratches to body, ego or heart are just badges of honour for someone who had a go

A HORSE OF ANOTHER NAME

2009-11-23T23:10:00.008+10:30

I had a love for horses and a love for competition but I couldn't stay in thoroughbred racing after my experience with a cruel man.
Knowing my of love and how I handled horses, a friend took me to a little hobby farm just out of town---I say hobby but they ran a herd of Jersey milking cows and trained Harness racing horses.

I was introduced to the trainer---an 87 yo woman who had brought a thoroughbred stallion from England to Australia, trained a polo string for the rich and famous and knew more than I could ever learn. Her "foreman", a WW11 veteran who shook hands with his left because his right arm had been nearly shot away during the war--he had worked Clydesdales on the wharves of the local Port, had ridden buck jumpers and could read a horse from first sight. And the trainers daughter, a very plain woman, divorced and bitter from a war time marriage to a US soldier---and accomplished track rider and show ring competitor.

We spent the day talking about horses and watching the foreman, virtually one handed, harness up and work the racing horses.
By the third, I helped him unharness, cool down, clean up rug, water and turn the horse out in a yard to play----he said "You learn fast"

His name was John, they called him Jim---I still don't know why----I asked if he was working another----I would get it out and help him harness up.
He looked at me and said "Son, you will learn a lot and you could be of great help around here but you don't need to touch this next one"
My friend knew what Jim was talking about but said "Let Clyde bring her out---he will be OK"

I went to the stall and looked over the door and ducked as a wide open mouth full of horse teeth lunged at me---her ears were flat back on her neck, her eyes were glazed and her head shook daring me to try to touch her.
Jim laughed and said "her name is Granite Rose---we have her and two full brothers and they are all like that---she's the best behaved"
I opened the door and she charged as I waved her off---I spoke softly to her and told her that if she bit me that I would bite back---Jim laughed---I stroked her neck and waved away her flashing teeth, she stomped her feet as I scratched her behind the ear and patted her chest (girls like that)---and slipped a halter (head collar) over her nose and buckled it up-----Jim yelled that she would try to knock me down coming through the door, so as I opened the door and she charged, I side stepped, let her out the door and led her back in.
I stood with her---she was quivering----I held her close by the rope and collar and said "right, we are going out but you are going with me at my pace"----we walked forward, talking every inch of the way, her chest hard against me ready to knock me down but we talked, we stopped, we talked, we stopped and then we walked out of the door together----
But then I had to let her win---I gave her enough rope, flicked it at her and let her rear up over me----told her she was a good girl and walked her to the harness tie up rail.

I helped Jim harness her up with the warning that "she kicks with every leg"---and she did---he was like me---don't raise your hand, raise your voice.
Once in the cart, she was a professional----worked like a machine----it was like watching a butterfly float----I had seen many harness races but she was different.
Old Jim told me that she could be a good horse but she was a barrier rogue and only got away well at the starts one out of twenty.

That weekend we took Granite Rose to the official race trials----she had been banned because of her barrier manners so she had to qualify to race again.
She played up very badly at the barrier and missed the start by a long way----every one was so down in the mouth---she was working so well but she just would not go away with them----the stewards would not lift the ban.
I asked if she could try again later that morning----the stewards re entered her for the last trial----old Jim looked at me like the new boy is mad but said we might as well try again.

She was in the parade ring with old Jim driving her as a warm up when they called for the horses to come to the track-----I grabbed her by the bridle as the driver took over from Jim but before I let go, I threw a hand full of dirt in her mouth.
Jim looked at me and said "What the fuck was that"
I had just thought that if she was so worried about trying to clear the shit out of her mouth, she wouldn't be thinking about the barrier-----and she didn't----she charged out as they said go and they never saw which way she went----she won the trial and the stewards lifted the ban.

One week later she was at the races---Jim said to me not to get caught throwing dirt in her mouth----he was down in the mouth himself when she left the parade ring with no dirt----"she will gallop away and get banned again" he said----I laughed and told him to have faith----she stepped away and won as she liked.
When she returned to the stall with a very jubilant crowd around her I said to Jim "take that rubber band off her ear before it cuts of the circulation"----he looked and realised that it was just another way to take her mind off the barrier.
Granite Rose retired two years later winning 13 of her next 21 starts

She was a bitch but we respected each other-----of course she had the last laugh---I still have the scar of the biggest love bite a guy has ever had--oh, and as promised, I did bite her back

Jim and I never told anyone what we did----It was different nearly every time and we used the ideas over and over with barrier rogues

IN HIS EYES

2009-11-14T21:03:00.004+10:30

I heard him before I ever saw him
I heard him screaming, I heard the scrambling in the horse transport as it pulled up.
I was helping a "friend" (Gordon) run his Thoroughbred stable near the beach.
I heard him scramble down the tailgate of the transport and heard him skidding on the bitumen road----I heard him squealing like he was in pain.

I ran out of the stable to see this unruly little beast rearing and backing away from a man who held his lead rope
I saw the fire in his eyes, but it was the fire of fear.

There was an argument going on----"I don't want him, take him home"---"But you said you would take him and I've driven 150 miles to get here"----"He looks like a fucking pit pony, you told me that he would make a jumper"---"He can jump, he's qualified to race in hurdles"-----"I don't care, I don't want the little shit, he's a brumby, take him home"
All of the time this poor little beast was running around on the end of the rope and screaming his lungs out.

I walked up and grabbed the rope and said to the two blokes "look, you argue it out, I'm taking him inside for a drink and a feed"

The little horse looked at me like Satan had taken him by the tail but I grabbed him close and said to him "Come on son, we can give you something for your trouble"
He snorted and pulled back, the fire of fear in his eyes, but with me talking to him all of the way, we wrestled our way to the water trough----I think he nearly drank it dry---I let him loose in the sand roll yard and he was playing hard and rearing when I came back with an armful of lucerne hay"
I thought he was going to eat me as he pushed me out of the way and tore into the hay in front of him"
He was quieter but kept his eye on me---the fear was still there---there was no trust----he was small for a thoroughbred and those feet---they looked the size of dinner plates.
I left him to his feast and joined in on the argument still raging in the street.

"Look, Gordon, I know that you don't want him, but there is something about him that I like, so if you won't take him, I will"
Gordon looked at me like I had betrayed him to the enemy---"Clyde, you don't know what you are talking about---I told you that I would get you a horse, but not this little fucking pit pony"
I looked at his owner and said "Will you lease him to me and one of the stable riders---I'll give him a chance"
The war was over----it was agreed that he could stay and that I would pay his keep along with one of the stable riders.

My first horse---I went back to him, and he turned his rump on me and lashed out---"Hey Hey, little fella, come on, we have to get along or you might be going home"--he looked at me and snorted---his eyes were still full of fear----I stood there til he approached and stroked his face---he tried to savage the fingers that soothed him---I clipped a long lunging rein to his head collar and walked him out to the street.

"Changed your mind Clyde"----"no no, if he's gonna work on the beach he had better see it first"
No one rode him for a week---I led him to the beach every day and lunged him on the end of the rein on the sand and walked him up to his chest in the water---he was getting to trust me and I needed him to.

At the end of the week I put a bit in his mouth with a light bridle and took him deeper into the sea---he wasn't sure and pulled back but I kept encouraging him and talking to him til he finally kicked off and was swimming----I slipped onto his back and rode him back out of the water----we walked and talked for a good five miles, in and out of the water----he was starting to relax----there was another week of this and all of the time filling him with as much as he would eat.

My partner, the stable rider (Gary) came back from his holiday to the news of his new horse----he took one look at him and wanted out----it took some time but I talked him into giving the little bloke 12 weeks and if he showed nothing in ability, we would send him home.
The next morning I saddled him and sent him off with Gary to slow gallop him for five miles to the breakwater and plunge and rush him though the water on the way home.----he dumped Gary in the water and came home himself----I caught him on the beach and he seemed very pleased with himself----he acted like a naughty little boy.
Next morning it was the same work and he tried to get rid of Gary again but they came home together.
He developed a trust in Gary and I was his best friend but he would try to savage anyone else who went into his yard----oh, he hated Gordon (my mate the trainer)---the poor woman who owned the stables was on the end of some of his tantrums.
His 12 weeks was up and Gary wanted to see some results for his money---
Gordon had a good staying mare going to the track for a good searching training gallop----I borrowed another horse float and took the little bloke to the track

Gary had to ride Gordon's mare so I grabbed a jumping jockey friend of mine and sent the little bloke out to work with the mare.
Gordon had arranged a gallop with another horse from another stable----was not happy, but as long as the little bloke didn't get in their way, he could tag along.
They all warmed up just bowling along for a mile up to the 12 furlong start---they jumped out and warmed into their work---the little bloke tagging on behind---5 furlongs from home they started to get serious---the mare and her work partner side by side into the straight and two furlongs from home they really turned it on and sprinted to the post----both trainers very happy with their charges and oblivious to the fact that the little bloke had finished right on their tails.

I had unsaddled the little bloke and was hosing him down when Gary appeared and said that he didn't think that we should go on with the little bloke---before I could answer the jumping jockey said "what are you talking about son, I could have pulled out around both of you but Clyde told me to just let him run to the line"
Gary changed his mind and we went on.

We had a problem---the trainer only held an owner trainers licence, so if the little bloke was to race from his stable, Gordon had to be a part owner and had to sign the lease papers as a part owner and as the trainer.
I got the papers from the jockey club, filled in my part and Gary's part and gave them to Gordon with the registration fees to complete his part and register them with the Jockey Club.
I looked though the racing program and saw a race that I thought would suit the little bloke----he was qualified as a jumping horse and there was a jumpers flat race (a flat race for qualified jumpers with jumps jockeys to ride) in two weeks.
I got Gordon to nominate him with my friend the jumps jockey as his rider.

I checked the nominations on the Monday and there we were----but there was a lot of horses nominated---we probably wouldn't get a run---Thursday morning came and there it was---we were in-----I could not have been more excited----I grabbed my brother and my best friend and told them to be there because I thought that the little bloke had a good show.
Saturday morning I got to the stable at 5am---I gave the little bloke some breakfast and took him for a walk in the water------hosed him down and had him brushed out and tidied up ready to go
I transported him to the track myself and walked the stable parade ring for 30 minutes with him to calm down---he hadn't raced for two years so had to go through an inspection that upset him and had him very much on the toe-----
I was walking the parade ring with him when my brother caught my eye---he told me that the opening betting had him at 40/1---I told him not to worry til late and to have $100 each way on him just before the jump.
The saddle arrived from the weight room so I stabled the little bloke and saddled him up----they were ready---he was due in the mounting enclosure parade ring----he was snorting, he broke out in a sweat, he reared like his old brumby self---the others scattered away from him.
My jockey came out to mount up and said "Christ Clyde, will he get to the barrier or am I going for a rodeo ride"----I said to him "Hey, he knows you, just stand with me and talk to him til the stewards get shitty and make you mount up, then talk to him all the way to the barrier----and then he's yours---and remember how he worked that morning with the mare---well ride him like that but make him run home from the two furlongs and we will be in this"
He mounted up and I led my little bloke onto the track---I talked to him, I patted his neck, I walked him for 100 yards til they told me that I had to let him go and left him to the jockey.

I met my brother in the grandstand and he told me that he had my bet on at 60/1---but then he said "Look in the race book----look at the owner of the horse"
I looked and there it was---the only owner in the book was Gordon the trainer---Gary came over and asked what was going on---I said that we would sort it out after the race, that it must have something to do with Gordon's owner/trainers licence.

The fairy tale came true---Club Spirit (the little bloke) sprinted past the leaders to win by three lengths running away
In all of the excitement, the ownership issue didn't get raised til we were back home at the stables----Gordon explained that the horses owner wanted to lease it to him only but the prize money would be handed over to Us when it arrived.

It never happened and there was nothing that we could do about it----everyone involved except Gary and I, thought that he was Gordon's horse.

The little bloke hated Gordon and I stayed at the stables for the horses sake.
Club Spirit won the three biggest Steeplechase races in South Australia and ran second in the two biggest chases in Australia, getting an invitation to race in Japan and England----he never went.
He made Gordon into a public trainer with horses sent to him from wealthy owners.

I had to leave---I just couldn't stay with a man like that anymore.
He retired Club Spirit to what I thought would be a good home----the little bloke had made him a trainer and had won him a lot of money.

Gordon's daughter rang me and told me that the little bloke had been sent to Anna Creek Station---it was like a salt bush desert----just enough food to survive but Gordon didn't have to pay for him.
I rang the station owners who told me that Gordon had given them the horse---I bought him from them and sent him to a friends irrigated farm and paid for his keep for the rest of his life---of course he lived for another 12 years

Club Spirit---thank you for the trust---I'm sorry that I left you with that bastard but I'm glad that you enjoyed retirement----and you will be glad to know that Gordon actually has a heart---well had one, because he had a heart attack and died 10 years before you.
You were a champion

RETURN FIRE

2009-11-12T19:17:00.004+10:30

Now my last post was an attempt to let guys know something about womanspeak and try to interpret some of the common "speak" responses.
But now out of the blue someone sent me the rules according to men---
I have modified them a little but basically it will give ladies some idea of how men think.
You may say that your guy has never said anything like this to you but I'm betting that he is thinking it but just to keep the peace, he has gone out to the shed to start a handyman project(substitute beer here)

These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered ' 1 ' because not one has a priority over another

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
And if you leave it down, don't complain that we pissed on it because we left it up last time.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides or girls nights. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or how hot your sister is.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Hey, there are some of them I can't agree with but then again I can see the reasoning behind them

LEARN TO SURVIVE

2009-11-09T12:06:00.003+10:30

The English language is hard enough with two or three different spellings for a word and nine or ten different and sometimes contradicting meanings.

Of course we have the original language and spelling, then we have the Americanisations brought to us by 52 states and Microsoft and the bastardisations from Scotland and Australia.
But it doesn't matter what English speaking country you are from or who published your dictionary, there is not a publication anywhere that will give you that lifesaving incite into womenspeak---it is a language of its own and a lack of comprehension can have disastrous consequences

For the guys, a little look into Clyde's survival guide

NINE THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR FROM A WOMAN

(1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

(2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

(4) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just
say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not
thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a
'whatever').

(8) WHATEVER: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) DONT WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement,
Meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Learn and live longer

SEPARATED BY FAITH

2009-11-02T20:30:00.003+10:30

We shared a love of the sea and the shore

We would walk for hours leaving bare footprints in the sand and tell each other every little thought.

We shared secrets that no none else knew and I have never told to this day

There were more sand dunes then---we would climb to the top and watch the world as it passed us by.

We shared a love of horses, the power and the beauty as they worked along the beach in the early hours.

I would dream of her at night---we were going to be together forever

Her father didn't like me---he thought that I was to old for her and that she was too young to be in love.
Her mother always told us when her father would be there and aided us behind his back.

I never contemplated us being separated but how could it be so far and why did she have to go.
Her family followed the Mormon faith and like so many world wide had been convinced of the second coming in Salt Lake City----they sold everything and went---they had to be there for the event.
She told me that they would be back after the event

I never saw her again---and I doubt that any member of her family or faith saw any great event in Salt Lake City.
But I will remember her to the day I die

Maybe her father was right---maybe I was too old----after all she was only 5yo and I was 6yo

If you are out there Barbra Chambers, I hope you found comfort in your fathers faith, I hope you found someone who would love you as much as I did---I hope you have had a wonderful life.
But just in case, I still walk that beach and I have never told our secrets

WHY DO THEY TRY

2009-10-28T22:33:00.003+10:30

I can never understand why women go to extraordinary lengths to prove that they are equal to men.
Well, actually I can.
Because so many guys call them the weaker sex and actually believe it.
And I suppose that they are right if you are comparing muscles.

I am lucky that I was raised in a family where it was never in debate.
My parents were partners and both "played" to their strengths.
I never really noticed but now I can see it.

My mother lost an eye in a playground accident as a three year old----as a twelve year old she was torn from her extended family and emigrated to Australia with her parents and three younger siblings----she was the fat plain girl who helped her mother with the pretty young sisters and a little baby brother.
The only member of her family who held a job during the great depression and willingly supported them through hard times.

The same girl who fell in love with a man from a dysfunctional family who was torn away from her by a world war.
She was there for the young men returning from atrocities they should never have seen but when her man returned he was sent away again----he fought in the Middle East and North Africa, only to be sent off to Papua and New Guinea when Australia was attacked.

He came home but he could never talk of what he had seen----he never did----but he was proud that he had fought for his country, our freedom and that he had sent every penny of his pay home to start a new life with his love.
They didn't marry before he left because he didn't want to make her a widow---so his pay came home to his mother who spent every penny on her family who never served.
He never spoke of that
She had saved enough----they married and here I am.

Most women didn't work when the had a family but my beautiful mother became a teacher so that she would be there when her children were yet financially contribute to our lives.
My father was not good with children ----he could not relate---but my mother credited him with support beyond his contribution. He was a tradesman who I admired but couldn't understand my choices in life.
My mother supported me in every harebrained thing I every tried and was there to pick up the pieces.

Funny, I think all mothers do that yet there bloody stupid sons believe that males are stronger than females.
Is it because they think that while mum is there holding your hand that dad is never worried and happy to have a pint with his mates.
He cared but couldn't show it
Not til his dementia took him back to a childlike, non macho existence.

I saw the pain he went through that he hid from----the pain that hurt him later in life that he complained of.
I saw them both lose a son and she dealt with it better and supported him
I saw her go through the crippling pains of age with never a complaint.

I never understood the day to day and regular discomfort and pain that women went through until I married.
My wife put me through a lot of mental pain an anguish but I had to play that off against her perceptions and her actual pain.

I have no doubt that women are the stronger sex.
I have great admiration for a man who recently wrote about the discomfort and embarrassment of a finger in the bum from a doctor----the fear that men have of going to doctors----the fear that their image will be diminished.
My God---OK girls, feet in the stirrups, knees apart and smile with your girly bits---and that's fine----that's women's business

Just remember guys, besides being stronger than you, they have memories of everything that you have ever said in your life and they love you---so they have you by the balls.

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

WHY THE FUCK DO THEY TRY TO BE EQUAL-----they are in front now

TOO YOUNG

2009-10-21T22:19:00.005+10:30

I can't believe it
This world has gone fucking mad

A father cannot show affection to his daughter because it could be misinterpreted by some nosey fucking neighbour with a very perverse mind.

A grandfather cannot bounce his granddaughter or grandson on his lap because some weird fucker might find it sexual

The dear old bloke in the Santa suit has to get a police clearance and is under constant scutiny by every weird brainwashed do-gooder

But here we have it---the ultimate fucking Government interference and acceptance of grubby fucking minds.
My local Primary School (that's 5yo to 12yo) has banned hugging between year 6 and 7 students (that's 10 year olds to 12 year olds) because it might give the wrong impression to the younger students.

Get fucked you perverted old prudes----these are children
I don't care if the age of puberty is falling rapidly, this is hugging between friendly children, this is not sexual

God next thing they will be banning smoking and rooting behind the shed on the school oval.

How far is our advanced society going to go

CONTEMPT BY FAMILIARITY

2009-10-18T20:31:00.005+10:30

My paternal great grandfather emigrated to this area as a master mariner, sailing trading vessels along the shores of my State.
My maternal grandfather emigrated to this area to a fledgling ship building industry on the port's river, which actually didn't exist.
I have walked the sands, fished from the jetties, dived from the wharves and sailed on sail and motor powered craft from the inner river port, the outer harbour port and the white sandy beaches of this maritime wonderland but I have never really seen it all.

Oh, yes I have looked at it and I know about it and I have lived a lot of it but I have not appreciated what I have seen.
Not until I see it again through the eyes of others
I know the history---I have lived through some of it.

So Clyde, "Why did the build these jetties---just for people to walk out to sea a little or for the local recreational fishermen"

Well actually no----they are not as long as they used to be----they have been destroyed by angry seas over the years but the used to be outer port freight off loading jetties for the small sailing freighters that plied the coastal routes,
That tower on the foreshore used to be a semaphore signalling station to bring ships in from outer moorings at the right time.

I have started to realise that I know things----where the sand hills went and why they went. Why there is an inner and outer port, why there are beacon lights out to sea marking a channel, that the larger international ships need a pilot to guide them into port through that channel and that the last light is named the farewell
beacon.------and that I have been to the farewell beacon many a time on the pilot boat to pick up the pilot from the departing craft or take one to an inbound freighter.
Visitors wonder at my local pub on the marina----

They would wonder more if they knew that pub, surrounding townhouses and the marina were built on land reclaimed from a sea swamp that I used to ride race horses through to strengthen their legs.

I am starting to see more of my environment through the eyes of others and starting to see it again----it is as beautiful and intriguing as it always was.
I love this place---I love the history

Just look around
You never know what you will actually see for the first time---or remember

Oh, shit--a mirror, no, no, I don't need to know anymore there----I know the history

TAKING THE PISS

2009-10-10T23:43:00.003+10:30

Now I'm not sure if "Taking the piss" is an exclusively Australian saying but just in case, it's meaning is "having a joke at another persons expense".

Geez, funny language----take the piss is a joke but kick the shit is not----no, no, I'm not getting into the language again.

Now, I am not taking the piss here---no---but a lot of women in the world are.
It has a totally new meaning---

So here is the facts for you
Most Estrogen prescribed to menopausal women is derived from the urine of pregnant mares (female horses).
No bullshit---this is real---go on, google it.

Now obviously there is a lot of laboratory work and it comes in tablet or capsule form, but as per usual, you will be paying big money to some pharmaceutical company.

So what I am saying is that, if you need this medication, why don't you hang around the horse studs with your own bucket, take it home and put it in the fridge, mix it with your gin or vodka or just have a pint with your lamb chop on the BBQ.

Helpful---much

NO LAUGHING MATTER

2009-10-06T22:51:00.002+10:30

You just have to love statistics
Who the hell surveys all of these things

But sometimes, when you can run two of them together, they do create some interest, or raise another question.

1. The average person farts 14 times per day

Now, I'm a bloke and I've gotta say that some days I know that I'm up on that average but I'm sure that most days I don't reach the average.
Should I go to the doctor and tell him that my fluffer valve is not operating the requisite number of times each day or just eat more fibre and try to catch up.
OK, more baked beans for me----so

2. The average person laughs 15 times per day.

Well OK, if you are farting 14 times, there has to be a few that you chuckle about---the one in the elevator at work just before you get out.
But are you laughing at every fart and if you are, well that's only 14 so what is number 15----was it that over productive fart that you really don't count as a fart---more like a whoops.
And if you are not chuckling about your farts---well what is so fucking funny 15 times a day

I'm just getting a chuckle out of thinking about these little blokes with clipboards, running around collecting all of this information.

So next time you hit the dunny (toilet---bloody English) and there is some bloke there with a clipboard, don't worry, he is only the statistics collector

HIRSUTE

2009-09-28T20:45:00.001+09:30

OK, look it up----if you don't know the language-----HAIRY

I don't think that I have any less hair than I had 20 years ago but it has shifted a bit.
I have no idea how much hair I had when I was born.
Geez I have seen some nude nut babies who seem to sprout hair very quickly, some that sprout hair fairly slowly and some that wouldn't be out of place in a litter of Cocker Spaniels but lose the hair and grow it again.
What ever colour it is, the hair is on the top of your head and that is it---and it is straight, curly, wavy or frizzy naturally.----luck of the draw

But then you get to be "that" age and hair starts to grow in other regions----
Now if you are female it is only three areas (hopefully) but with guys it can be anywhere---well OK, "those three girly areas plus your face, chest and some even on the back.

It really doesn't matter if your head hair is straight or curly, the hair in your nether regions is curly-----why ?----I have no fucking idea---work it out for yourself.

OK, a few years into this more hirsute life, some people start to trim, shave or wax this hair-----guys shave their faces, girls have a go at the armpits and legs and then start to have a little trim of the bush----some keep on trimming, some shape, some shave completely some wax----all a personal choice----OK, and there are those who have to chop a gap in the mono brow and give the top lip a little grooming.

Of course there are those guys who who look like they are wearing King Kong's T shirt who decide to get the chest and back defoliated-----give them a few years and it becomes the back, crack and sack

Now here is my point------and mainly for guys-----you get to about half way through your life span and that hair on the top of your head starts to thin out----why---geez, I don't know---but it does-----and people start to say "Hey are you losing your hair"
Well I have to tell you----it ain't happening---you're losing nothing---it's just relocating--cos all of that hair that isn't growing on your head is finding other ways out----it's coming down your nose, out of your ears, its on your knuckles and I reckon there is a bit more around your but.
All of a sudden you are plucking and trimming more than your lady

Now one thing here guys-----I have never seen a good comb over---it might look OK to you and you might think that you are fooling everyone but you are not.
I have never seen a good rug yet.
If it gets to a stage where a regular hair cut just doesn't do it, have a number one all over or shave it.
And those eyebrows----if you can comb them, trim them---get your barber to do it

Ladies---just keep on doing what you are doing----you are beautiful---

WATCH YOUR LAGUAGE

2009-09-21T20:51:00.004+09:30

How confusing is this English language

Now this is my native tongue although you may not think so at times.
If it confuses me at times, how confused are the poor people who migrate to English speaking countries and start learning the language for the first time.

OK, so it's called ENGLISH---so I'm guessing that it originated from England and quite well bastardised in England before being well and truly fucked up in the colonies.
So the language in England is different from the American English and again another language to the Australian version-----oh, and the New Zealanders just changed all of the vowels around to confuse the shit out of everyone.

Well if you are going to learn a language, you can get these little conversion books which will help you with phrases and hopefully phonetic pronunciations----and then you can go onto dictionaries-----now your gonna get confused----one word, three different spellings and twelve different meanings---and then the multiples and the tenses and Jebus, how does anyone learn it.
And then you go from one English speaking country to another and the meaning changes.

But really it is easy
A little Pig is a Piglet---right, you've got that---OK
So a little Ass is -----come on, its easy----Asset-----well, maybe not that easy
Lets try Dog---a little dog---well actually its Doggie but don't ask the girl at the pet shop for one and dogging it in Australia means that you aren't trying but in America it means that you are performing sexual act with strangers in public.

OK, lets try Cat----well a cat is a feline, a pussy, oh hang on, well a pussy is a cat but then again it can be female anatomy----oh, and a cat can be short for Catamite---and that's a guy who plays with his own gender but he doesn't pitch or catch----no, not baseball----oh, lets leave it there.

Oh, Fanny----OK, that's a girls name---well colloquially in Australia it's a vagina, but watch out in America because its a booty-----no, nothing to do with little boots---ah, shit this is confusing.
What ?, you've torn your dictionary now----OK, no worries, I've got some Durex---oh, you had better watch that one ----in Australia Durex is sticky tape--oh, the Americans call that cello tape---but in England, Durex is a French letter----ah shit, lets just try sign language or I'll convert to yours.

Look, if you really want to get a good grip on this language, you should try to do the crosswords in the daily paper-----OK
What---10 down---mild ejaculation----well, an ejaculation is---well look it up in your dictionary---(geez, whats a mild one---you don't pop the wax out of your ears---you don't need too many tissues for the clean up )-----oh, it means that too---OK, so work out mild from there

Oh, and next time I'm in Singapore, for the sake of $6.25, I'm gonna order one of those, just to see what I get.

DOESN'T FIT

2009-09-09T22:00:00.006+09:30

Today's daily paper Crossword
28 Across

Sexual acts between people too closely related-----
Six letters and the third letter is "C"

Exciting---no, one too many letters
Taboo----of course not, there is no C
Uncle---no, only five letters and a silly answer
Dirty---no C again and only five letters
Threesome---well, they didn't mention how many
Pastime---nope

Well OK, what is too closely related ?
Now there is no Mother, Father, Son, Daughter----that is nasty----I don't care if you say that the family that plays together stays together---that is not on---no, no, not never, no.
And get past the grandfather stuff---too old, too nasty

But from there, where is your relationship
Your Aunt is only your Aunt because she married your Mothers brother----so there is no blood for you----but you could piss your uncle off
Your cousins----well they do share the half blood of you so it's probably not a great idea (and all of my good looking female cousins were a fair bit older)

OK, so we are at second cousins---geez, where is the relationship---how are they blood related to you-----do you know them----could you meet them on a night out and not know til they mention Great Aunt Mary.

What is closely related ?

Hey, not that I want to go there but it was a question in my crossword---
And there is the British Royals----a bit of cross pollination going on there---look at those ears.
Italians are still into marrying cousins (Geez, Church of Rome)
Small remote tribes---well you have to bonk someone.
We have a saying in Australia----pointed at one little island State----"Well, if he's not good enough for his own family, he's not good enough for ours"

Ah, your sister's best friend is fair game

What a stupid clue
Now 11 Across-----Skin irritation

BONKING RELIGION

2009-09-03T20:22:00.003+09:30

You may have realised before that I am not a great fan of the Catholic Church interfering with marriages and giving advice on the hows, whys, whens and wheres of sex.
Their greatest weapon over the centuries has been guilt and the number of unwanted children brought into this world because of their edicts on contraception and abortion, could populate a small country.

But NOW---now they are trying a new one.
Now I reckon this one is trying to get you to think of GOD more often (more often than never in my case)
I haven't heard of it before or anywhere else before, so it might not be a new ruling of the Papal Father----ooh, I know the jargon---not bad for a lapsed Presbyterian.

The Catholic Church in Britain has said that good Catholics should pray before sex---OK, well I'm used to begging, but praying ----and why the Brits
Do they figure that the Brits are having more sex than saying prayers---geez, I don't know what the deal is.
And what would the prayer be----what are you going to say ?
I'm thinking that it could be something like saying grace---"May we be thankful for what we are about to receive"

OK, it's got me beaten as to what the church could be thinking about but I for one congratulate the Catholics and would like to see this edict come to my country.
Why ?
Hey, anything that can get a good Catholic girl down on her knees has to be a good thing.

Oh, and thank you Michelle---I think I stole the photo from you

OF GREATEST VALUE

2009-08-31T19:38:00.002+09:30

I own quite a large house near the sea valued valued well into the hundreds of thousands of dollars------------but I'm never going to sell it.
So it's actual value to me is as a roof over my head, a home for my dog and that it is very close to that beach I love to walk.

I have just bought a new car but its value to me is no more than that of my old car because it will get me to the same places and I'm not about to sell it.

I have heritage jewellery handed down for hundreds of years through my parents families but the value to me is only sentimental----my insurance company would beg to differ.

I have a small collection of Australia's most famous red wine but it's value is not what it would realise at auction but only that it belonged to my only brother who died 17 years ago.

I have always considered my situation to be on the better side of comfortable until I read something on the internasty-----and now I have realised how wealthy I am.

It has nothing to do with my possessions or their substantial monetary value.

I have FREEDOM--------------the most valuable thing of all
I can keep my possessions or I am free to sell them
I can stay in my house by the sea or I am free to move to anywhere in the world.
I am free to write about this or anything else that I want
I am now at an age where I can work or I am free not to
I am free to vote and elect my country's leaders

There are laws in this country that protect my freedoms---they even demand my freedoms.

If you don't think that freedom is of any great value, try living a country ruled by corruption---try living where fanatical religious laws override the laws of the land---try living where you have no rights because of gender

Oh, OK, love ran second

For Richer or Poorer

2009-08-19T19:47:00.002+09:30

It is supposed to be the most memorable day of your life.
You only do it once so you should really go all out and make it memorable.
The brides parents are going to pay the bill

Bullshit

Oh, OK, some of you have been married forever and your wedding day is so memorable that you still get out the photos and play the video.
OK, I am going to admit that I cried on my wedding day----and it had nothing to do with pain or money.
I got married in the front yard of my inlaws house----we were going for cheap---the inlaws had no money, I had less in the bank than my blushing bride owed and I didn't think that my parents should front up for the lot.
I cried when I saw a beautiful woman in a white wedding gown walk though the crowd on the front lawn to marry me.
Hey, it was a great day and we partied in the back yard forever
Probably the most expensive individual item for the day was the wedding gown---although the kegs of beer cost me a bit.

Later I was to discover that was my wife's third wedding gown---yep, there they were---all along side each other in that locked cupboard
And of course, the guarantee ran out and it was all over and done with---beat the 7 year itch but not by much.

OK, the story

I'm reading the paper last weekend and find some average costs for a wedding.

Wedding---$49,202.---this is an average---
Reception---$10,476.---97 guests at $108 per head----come on--the cheapskates didn't spent that much on a gift and I don't know half of them
Dress----36% of brides spend $2,000 - $4,000----geez, and you are gonna wear it once.
Rings---Average for an engagement ring is $5116 and $1507 for a wedding band
Then there are cars, Grooms suit, bridesmaids dresses, groomsman's suits and the groom might have a wedding ring----a church / hall, a priest / celebrant.

Now that's all OK if you have the money but some people don't but want to impress the relatives and friends and go into all sorts of debt

My advice---cheap out on the wedding and spend it on the house or even the honeymoon.
Geez, you will remember the honeymoon more than the wedding.

But here is the best story
A young bride to be found her wedding dress in a shop in Australia---only $1500.00.
She asked that question---so this is made in Australia then?
When she was told that it would actually be made in China she thought she would go to the manufacturer
Now she was careful and did a lot of research on line before ordering the same dress from China
Result---got her dress---$162 in postage, $5 for insurance---and the dress---3 layers of silk and chiffon with embroidery, beading and the pleats across the bodice for the princely sum of $18.
Geez, maybe it could be a honeymoon in China and get the rest on the cheap

But is it all a rip off

STATISTICS

2009-08-14T20:24:00.004+09:30

Don't you just love statistics?
Those little figures and percentages that come out of nowhere about all sorts of shit that you have no interest in what so ever.

But then there is one that just strikes you as interesting----well, actually amazing.

Three in the one week, this week

30% of Australian women live in a marriage characterised by violence.
That is an amazing statistic and on face value I am ashamed to be an Australian man---and that would probably be the thoughts of most guys.

But then I thought---hmmmm, live in a marriage characterised by violence
OK, I lived in a marriage characterised by violence-----and before you throw stones---the violent one was the 4'11" woman that I was married to
My ex wife couldn't have a disagreement with me, followed by a logical spirited conversation-----no, it was her way or a slap, scratch, punch, tear clothes, scream and then tears----which, by her account, would always be my fault-----geez, the lies I told when I went to work with a black eye.
Hey sorry, no matter how violent she got, I could not hit back----ya just don't hit a girl.

And then I remembered a beautiful young lady who I worked with who regularly came to work with cuts, scratches and bruises----her partner was a rather large bear but didn't seem like a bad bloke.
Finally I lost my cool and said to her that if she came in with the signs of a beating again, I was coming around to see how tough he was with a bloke.
She begged me not to and told me that it was all her fault----I sat her down and told her that it was never her fault and that he needed to be taught that.
But she convinced me----she told me that she was a bit of a control freak and that she baited and baited him til he lost his cool----and that's how it always happened.
So I went around and saw him and told him to get in the car and come to my place for a beer before he belted her-----he did that for about two years before it all settled down------hey, they are still together and no more beltings and no more baitings.

So what I am saying is----live in a marriage characterised by violence----hmmm, but who is the violent one---and who is baiting who.

Sad-----Don't hit girls----good rule to live by-----if you feel like it, then just come and have a beer with Clyde

OK, well there was another two stats this week----and I love them----and if you put them together, you can make up your own stats.

75% of Brits are too lazy to have sex-----geez, you can do it laying down.

And, 40% of women have never masturbated-----ah, come on--if you have it you have to play with it.

OK, so if you break those stats down, 75% of those 40% of British women aren't even getting into owner operating-----so what the fuck are you ladies doing----are you watching too much TV, eating too many caramel creams, too many G & Ts, over indulging on the iced vovos .

So if we say the British population is 50% male and 50% female and that it is all of the guys that are too lazy and only half the females, then just give me a yell and I'll buy a ticket and come on over
Accuse me of anything, but never of being too lazy for sex

NO FUTURE THERE

2009-08-10T19:22:00.003+09:30

OK, let's finish this story and get on with life.

Things were looking good----having met this "lovely" lady on the beach, taking her out to the marina for breakfast and finding out that her 17 (I was wrong)year old daughter was the spunky young blond dog owner I had met on the beach some months before. And we are going out to dinner

OK, we are up to date.

So there is this magnificent Chinese Restaurant overlooking the lakes with a great piano bar----the food is wonderful. I made a booking and went to pick up the yummy mummy at the prearranged time.
When I told her where we were going she said "Oh, I don't like Chinese food"--well they do have an expanded menu with very good Thai and Indian----"Oh, I'm sorry Clyde, I don't like foreign food---actually, I don't like Asians"
OK, knock me down---a big admission on your first "date" but honest.
I thought that there had to be a very good reason, so I went with the flow even though I have no racial prejudices or preconceptions-----I am a bit worried at this stage.
So on her choice we head for a local pub------hey, this is gonna be cheaper and I don't really mind this place.
We walk in through the front door and some guy talks to yummy mummy---fine, she stops to talk to him but doesn't introduce me----hmm, OK, it's a first date---we head into the dining room and a table full of people says hi to her but we don't stop---the food waitress knows her by name----hmmmmm-----the barman knows her by name and knows what she wants to drink----hmmm, OK, she is a regular.
Now during pre dinner conversation another guy comes over and starts taking to her---she carried on the conversation til he looked at me and said "Sorry mate, my name is Rod"
YM said "Oh, yeh, hey Rod, you wouldn't believe where Clyde tried to take me for dinner---bloody chew and spew"----Rod chuckled and said "He'll learn"

Our dinner arrived and Rod left---we exchanged small talk-----I was busting to ask but left it alone.
The rest of the night was filled with people talking to her and me not being introduced to half of them.
It was late when we got to her house and she had to work the next day so she asked to be excused and said it was a great night and she couldn't wait to see me again.

I was disturbed by the racism and by being ignored while she spoke to so many other people but put it down to a first night a few nerves.
She phoned me the next day to tel me that she had really enjoyed the night---that she was having an early night that night but would love to see me the next night---"what about we go to the pub again--it's a relaxing place"----so why not.

OK, fast forward here a little----you don't need to know---and no, I wasn't getting any---you perverts

It was Saturday night---we are going out-----there are choices---there is no work for her the next day-----dinner, movies, river cruise, trotting races, football match, nightclub, takeaway and DVD, any of the above and a walk on the beach with a bottle of champagne, a cemetery tour.
And the winner is "Clyde, why don't we just go to the pub?"
So we went to THAT pub---didn't want to go to another
Dejavu-----not introduced to another dozen people and ignored while she spoke to half of the people in the pub.
I had decided that this was my last night with yummy mummy---but then she said "Clyde, why don't we go early and go back to your place and fuck".-----come on, not me, that was word for word---YM said FUCK
Now, I have to tell you---Yummy Mummy is very yummy----ok, for those who can't work out yummy, this is one very spectacular looking lady, body to die for----so who am I to knock it back

But here it is----I just cant forget the racist bit of the first night----now, it would have been easy to let it go and had a great night exploring the mountains of Europe and canyons of America looking for the eruptions of a dormant volcano but I can't.
We are in the car and I just have to ask
"So what is this problem that you have with Asians?"---"Is it a war thing to do with Vietnam or the Japanese of WW11?"------"Have you had a very bad experience with someone Asian ?"
"No, I just don't like them or their food---there are too many of them in our country---they're taking over---they are everywhere---them and their fucking restaurants------breeding all their little fucking Asian kids"
But YM "They are people, the same as you and me---they have migrated here the same as most of our forefathers and all of our Italian and Greek communities---they are Australians"
YM said "You have to be joking, them and the bloody Italians and Greeks, they come here and think that they own the place---they should all go home"

Well that was it and home it was
Her home----I pulled up out the front of her house, got out of the car, opened her door and told her how self absorbed she was and that I couldn't be with anyone who was so racially intolerant.
My God, I could have waited one more night----or at least 3 or 4 hours

This morning as I walked the beach the pooch was joined in the water by a golden retriever----I didn't look around---I didn't want to know and then I heard---
"Hi Clyde, you really pissed mum off"
There was the 17yo from that first morning
"Sorry, but I have my reasons and I think I am right"
She snickered "So do I ----she is a racist bitch and she is up herself with all her pub mates----I'm sorry---I hoped it would work out----I would have liked for you to be around"

I smiled----"You know where I am"

DEJAVU

2009-08-01T23:18:00.002+09:30

Geez, I reckon it was back in about February---hey, you can check back if you like.
Ok, I had a very early morning walk on the beach with super pooch---she will drag you there any time.
I hear this yelping from a dog and yelling from a girl and being the good guy that I am (was) I went to investigate and found this beautiful golden retriever with a paw pad nearly sliced off from an encounter with broken glass and a very cute well endowed young lady owner in distress
OK, the story goes that I clean up the dog's wound and send her off to get her car to transport the dog----rip my own T shirt as a bandage, not hers----when she gets back and takes her dog, I am left with a ripped shirt and no idea who this absolute spunk is.

Fast forward about five months.

So this morning I cant sleep---hey, I'm retired and it is Saturday but I just cant stay in bed---it's a nice crisp clear morning so I decide to have an early one on the beach with the pooch---hey, and she is not complaining
Pooch had been in the water, I don't know how many times and we had been walking for about an hour, when she is joined by a golden retriever.
Geez, dogs make friends quickly---they were having a ball.

I was oblivious to my surroundings watching these two dogs enjoying each others company and splashing in the cold morning sea when I heard a voice saying "She is a lovely dog"

I turned to see a very attractive woman in her 40s who obviously was with the retriever.
I said "Yes, she is everyone's friend and she really enjoys playing with another dog"
She said "It's funny, my dog is not that friendly with other dogs but she has really taken a shine to yours"
I just smiled and was about to light a cigarette when she said "I don't suppose I could bludge(Aussie for steal, borrow, have) one of those---I don't usually smoke before breakfast but I just feel like one"----of course, I gave her a smoke and we wandered along just chatting about nothing----she was delightful company and I was becoming more aware of how attractive this woman was---looks and conversation.
We got to the point where she would leave the beach and I asked if she would like to have breakfast at the Marina-----of course she wouldn't---but she did---she accepted.

Hmm, Clyde, this early morning stuff is alright
So I arranged to meet her and took my dog home-----hey, who needs a pooch begging for your outdoors eggs and bacon.
I picked her up at the arranged spot and headed off for a delightful breakfast.

She was a lovely lady-----she didn't want to tell me much about herself but the company was great----the trust built a little and I could actually drop her at her house.
We stood outside talking when her daughter (very stunning looking young lady) walked out of the house, looked at me and said "you"
Her mother looked at me like I was some sort of perverted rapist----but then I breathed again and said "Hello, long time no see"
She said "Mum, this is that guy who bandaged Bonny's foot up on the beach and sat with her til I got the car.

Mummy looked at me and said "My god, my daughter has raved about you and has looked for you ever since"

Ok, the moral is that the daughter is only 16---whew, the thoughts I had about her and her tits----but mummy is only 42, very attractive and divorced.

Now I'm not sure where any of this is going but Mum and I are having dinner tomorrow night.

Geez, that bloody dog of mine will pick up anything on the beach

WHY NOT THE CAR

2009-07-27T17:16:00.004+09:30

Hey, a new computer
Thank you Mr Insurance man----just have to set up the wireless connection
It's been like Christmas
Two new cameras, a new laptop, gift card on a big tool shop and another on a big department conglomerate and a cheque and all from the insurance company.

It is not a nice feeling coming home from work to find that you have been burgled but when they take your virus riddled computer, a film camera that you haven't used for years, a watch that you have worn once and don't really want, a photo printer that is surplus now that you own a multi printer and business clothes and shoes on the eve of your retirement, you have to think it wasn't the worst thing that could happen to you.-----geez, why didn't they take the car---OK, I'll just have to buy a new one myself.
I can feel a KIA coming my way

I cant tell you what retirement is like----so far it's just like being on holidays and they are still paying me from work----I guess that will just keep going because I have been paying into an old Government Superannuation scheme that will pay me 72.5% of my salary for the rest of my life---and it is even indexed against my final wage-----and I don't have to go to work----or I can if I want and get paid another wage on top.

I guess I'm gonna find out

OUT OF TOUCH

2009-07-10T09:19:00.002+09:30

OK, the big day is here.
I retire today from a 43 year career.
I'm guessing that there is a big chance that I could have a drink or two with a few people and I may not get home til tomorrow.

I'll probably need a protector later tonight---where is Jimmy when you need him.

Tomorrow will start a new career.
Up about two hours later than normal and off to the beach with the pooch for an hour or so.
Then it will be back home and have a talk to the pooch about what we should do for the rest of the day.
If she doesn't say much, I'll just have to please myself.

Had a call first thing this morning from Miss "I hope she comes here soon"----she had bought me a retirement gift----a $1500.00 show bred puppy.
I am always grateful when people think of me but I had to tell her that, by myself, I don't want another dog but if it was a package deal with her and the new puppy, then come on down.
I doubt that I will see her any time soon.

Anyhow, the title
Well, I have managed a post here and there from my work computer but that ceases today----and I have managed a post from my virus riddled computer at home---well that has ceased----??????
Well I got burgled last Friday
Yep, they took the computer
How sad, I was going to buy a new one in the next couple of weeks but now the insurance company is kindly going to give me a new one.
I'm not sure when but til then, I am OUT OF TOUCH

Stay well
I will catch you soon with stories of my new life

INNOCENT

2009-06-30T16:55:00.003+09:30

I've never really thought about it before.

There were so many things that you did so innocently as a child, that if you repeated them today, you would be arrested.

But as I head for what they say is a second childhood for men, can my new found innocence protect me from prosecution.

SHE LOVES ME

2009-06-25T21:26:00.002+09:30

All anyone wants in the world is to be loved.

Ok, I've told you that I am now 60 and I have been waiting for this long time friend and that is still a work in progress---oh, and it is progressing

But out of the blue I get this email

"Hello, I like your profile on this Indian introduction service and I like you"
Geez, hang on---Indian what service---I've really gotta to stop drinking and surfing around on the internasty---no wonder I've got this bloody infection.
But then again it was a Saturday night and a little cool so a bourbon or two wasn't going to harm anyone----and if someone sends you an email, ya have to reply.

Ok,well I replied and of course back comes a whole lot of detail, like---
"I'm 24 from The Congo living in a refugee camp in Dakar Senegal and getting access via some christian minister's computer"

Alright---I started it so I replied with a quick---hey girl, take note I'm 60 years old and don't think a 24 year old should be looking my way

She replied again and now it started----
"Age is no problem---my parents were murdered in a coup in the Congo---I'm stuck in this camp---I'm only allowed out on Mondays and Fridays."

After another quick reply I get.
"I need your help--my dead father left me with a statement from a leading European bank and I have his death certificate---I need your help to get access to the $6.5 million in the bank and then we can live happily ever after----here is my photo"

And all I have to do is send her my bank account details and access codes and she will be here with her $6.5 million and she will be eternally grateful.

How lucky can I be

ITS TIME

2009-06-09T20:37:00.002+09:30

"OK Clyde, it's time"

Time for what ?

"Well time for another post at least---you have been very slack lately"

OK, I guess I have but this computer is infected----wont hold settings---I've lost all of my contacts, can't access two of my mail accounts---It's time for a new one.

"So why haven't you bought a new one or at least had this one deloused ?"

Well I figure it's not worth having this one deloused if I'm gonna buy a new one and I'm about to get a fairly big pay out from work, so I'm waiting til then.

"Ooh, a pay out---so what is the deal with that ?"

OK, I guess it's time to elaborate on a few personal details

"What details---like what you have told us so far ?"

Yep, that's the ones

"Alrighty then, lets have the goss on Clyde"

Well, I have always admitted to being on the wrong side of 35----well, I am well and truly on the wrong side----I had one of those big birthdays back in April

"So you are 40 then ?"

Nope

"Not 50 ?"

Nope

"Jebus H Christ Clyde, you are not bloody 60 ?"

Yep, scary isn't it ?

"Well OK, but what is this pay out thingy ?"

Alright--well back in the dark ages, when I was 17, I started paying into a Superannuation pension scheme and elected to have it mature at 60----so what that gives me is 75% of my wage indexed for the rest of my life as soon as I retire from work after I turn 60-----
Well, I am now 60 so I am going to retire on the 10th of July
Not retire from life but from my Government employer of the past 43years

"Ah, Government, so you are going to get a big golden handshake then ?"

Hah, the Government will not give me one cent that I have not earned----they don't even pay up for a farewell gift----
No,in Australia, on average, workers get 4 weeks paid leave per year---but on top of that the earn long service leave---so, after 10 years of service with an employer, you get an extra 90 days of leave---then 9 days per year til you have completed 15 years of service and then 15 days per year.
So if you retire and have not taken any part of that long service leave, they will pay you out------and I have 505 days and I get a lump sum pay out for that.
That's my pay out

"So we have to wait til after 10th July for you to buy a new computer ?"

Well, I could buy it now but I want to keep my ready cash on hand because my investments halved in the Stock Market crash.
Any way, now that I have been outed as a 60 year old nearly retired Government worker, I doubt that anyone will be flocking to read the word according to Clyde.

"I'll still be reading Clyde"

Ok, I'll keep trying to write then----but maybe not before July

"See you then"

INFECTED

2009-05-08T17:41:00.004+09:30

I am struggling to post anything at the moment with a virus riddled computer.
I's about time I bought another one and that is coming up in the next month

But while I'm here I thought I could throw these in for the lovely Spiky Zora Jones

Ms Jones, I have no doubt that you could turn me into a lesbian---oh, hang on, I already am---I love women

Oh, and I love a good cup cake

FAVOURITE VIDEO

2009-04-22T23:05:00.003+09:30

Hollywood can keep on producing all of the films that they like but but they will never come up with anything that will beat this.

I don't know why---I haven't seen it for years

For all of these years it has never been so entertaining

But then I played it backwards----Oh, how wonderful it is
Nothing could give me so much joy.

Oh, it's my wedding video

Play it backwards and my ex takes off her ring, goes back down the aisle, climbs in the car and fucks off.

Great ending